Posts Tagged ‘epitaph’

Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed

Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time

1. If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
2. You should see the other guy
3. Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
4. What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
5. Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
6. Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
7. What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
8. Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
9. If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
10. I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
11. I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
12. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
13. If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
14. All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
15. We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
16. (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
17. Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
18. It’s nice being able to sleep in
19. It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
20. Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
21. I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
22. I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
23. As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
24. Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
25. Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
26. Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
27. The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”

1. 

   Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

   They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.

 

2. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!

 

3. Is it me or are you really that tall?

 

4. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.

 

5. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler

 

6. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.

 

7. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”

 

8. Death is the ultimate mic drop

 

9. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.

 

10. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.

 

11. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.

 

12. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”

 

13. Was privileged to see America made great again.

 

14. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.

 

15. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.

 

16. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.

 

17. Thanks a lot Obama!

 

18. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}

 

19. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.

 

20. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”

 

21. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya?