Posts Tagged ‘ice cream’

1. 

   Half-baked ice cream meets my half-baked idea for a divinely inspired, holier-than-heck, frozen dessert. 

   Amish Barn Raisin’ – A very sober version of Rum Raisin

2. Quakers ‘n Cream – Vastly superior to Quakers ‘n Oats
3. Chunky Catholic – Ben & Jerry say they conceived of this ice cream immaculately. It’s filled with chunks of guilt, ribbons of redemption and dollops of dogma. Made from the milk of baptized cows, this ice cream is so decadent that eating it is actually a confessable sin: “Bless me father for I have licked.” 
4. Episcopal Popsicles – A tasty treat for the Frozen Chosen
5. The Nifty Swifties – No one can resist our new Overlord. She comes plain or dipped in sequins.
6. Televangelist Dough – Oh they’re rollin’ in it.
7. Pralines ‘n Puritans – You can tell which are which by licking them
8. Amish Garcia – Get your pious Grateful Dead fix satisfied with a sober scoop of this clear-eyed version of Cherry Garcia
9. Pentecostal Pecan – So good you won’t bother speaking in tongues; you’ll start licking in them
10. Rosicrucian Crunch – Mostly Boneless Ice Cream. An acquired taste. Like most religions, it’s usually acquired from your parents.
11. Rocky Road to Heaven – ♫You’re going to find your way to heaven is a rough and rocky road, if you don’t stop and smell the Rose-icrucians along the way♫
12. Heathen Heath Bar Toffee – Popular with Atheists. It’s topped with a blast of blaspheme and tastes positively sacrilicious.
13. Amish Cheesecake – I never thought the two could mix (the austere and the temptress). Comes with a racy Amish calendar in which some of the women appear bonnetless.
14. Russian Orthodox ‘n Hydrox – A smash up of the Eastern Coptic Church and proto-Oreos. A precursor to Oreos ‘n Cream. Not advised for those who are Putin-intolerant
15. Branch Davidian w/Cashews, Walnuts, Pecans etc. – As you might expect this Branch Davidian sect is absolutely filled with all kinds of nuts
16. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ice Cream – A frozen confection for disbelieving atheists
17. Double Dutch Reformed Church – This tasty little number is served in a little wooden shoe
18. Blended Mormon Clusters – Somehow manages to marry several individual flavors into one big happy family
19. Creaminess Is Next to Godliness – A heavenly ice cream from God’s lips to your cone
20. Hedonism – When the only thing you can’t resist is temptation.
21. Romulus and Remus Ripple – Rome’s founders will melt your heart and all over your hand if you don’t slurp them up lickety-split.

The following flavors are in the planning stages:

1. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
2. Jehovah’s Goiter
3. Jehovah Falls Down Goes Plop
4. Seventh Day Adventist
5. Third Trimester Adventist
6. Second Semester Dentist
7. Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please post on my wall a jpg of a whale with the comment, “I think Cephalopods have a swell head,” then (and only then) can we remain friends.
8. Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears, Oh My!
9. The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians…and the women who love them.
10. OMGs – filled with Emojis and acronyms
11. Vanilla Sex – Try it. A classic. It’s made with Love 

Alright, 21 full-fledged flavors and 10 flavors in the formulation stage is probably enough ice cream for one sitting. If you can find more flavors, that will be a scoop.

Better than Disneyland, and with much shorter lines.

While others write graphically about their soft-serve escapades in steamy lick and tell exposés, my soft-serve affair involves more telling and less licking. Ice cream holds no special place for me. And what little ice cream I do consume is of the rock hard, scoopable variety. Although my preferred ice cream might be a high-cost, high-butterfat product, I’m not a snobby connoisseur of craft ice creams served at micro-creameries. In my world lactose is not something you enjoy. Lactose is something you tolerate – like that thick and sour Greek-style yogurt which has become all the rage with hipster Milklennials. They “partake” of the grassy, Grecian yogurt to inject a little culture into their colon – 6 billion lactobacillus acidophilus cultures.

I’ve always thought cow’s milk should be for baby cows. That’s what nature seems to have intended for mother’s milk. It’s for baby whatever’s; and not meant for race car drivers who’ve just won the Indianapolis 500. But what if the nipple was on the other teat. Suppose there were entrepreneurial cows who froze human breast milk, ground Oreos into it and then served it to their calves? Read the rest of this entry »