Posts Tagged ‘It’

You Never Have to Tell Us Again

1. We no longer need to be reminded that “X” was formerly known as Twitter
2. I’m not concerned if the book I’m reading was printed on equipment used in processing tree nuts
3. Conversely you never needed to change Datsun to Nissan, Bombay to Mumbai or Betty Persky to Lauren Bacall
4. Safety in the Wild: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by a Grizzly Bear you should start singing YMCA; it confuses the bear. Conversely, whenever I’ve been approached by an elephant I befriend him by saying, “How you got into my pajamas I’ll never know?”  
5. Safety in the Wild II: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by an angry snail, you should make yourself look really big, so it’ll think twice about attacking you. Conversely, if you’re approached by an aggressive ground squirrel you should roll yourself up into a submissive ball and offer to hold its nuts.
6. More Safety in the Wild: And how many times must we be told that if you’re out walking among Mormons you should make yourself look like you already have 2 wives, that way they’ll be less likely to propose. They say, when in Morm, do as the Mormons do – right? Conversely, if you’re ever confronted by a Jehovah’s Witness you should make it appear that you have poor powers of observation. That way they’ll avoid you because they know you’d make a very bad Witness.
7. To all websites: Unless I’m at a bakery, I don’t want any of your damn “cookies”
8. We all completely understand that if we’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency, we’ll call 9-1-1. We’re not going to call our optometrist or dentist after hours if we’re losing consciousness.
9. No one except Julius Caeser has ever had to “Beware the Ides of March.” Retire the phrase please.
10. Even though we know our call matters to you, no one will ever listen closely just because “some of your options may have changed.”
11. No one ever needs to open any letter addressed to Current Resident. Or has ERCLOT or Electronic Service Requested printed on it. But especially if it has Personal and Confidential on the envelope. If I ever send something personal and confidential to someone, I’m never going to advertise that it’s personal and confidential to potential prying eyes.
12. No one will ever, ever take a shower before getting into a pool unless it’s with a naked loved one, in which case who cares if there’s a pool

This is what it is? I don’t think so. My advice: Don’t settle. Go beyond so-called questioning authority. Be the answer and rest comfortably in knowing it’s never what you think it is.

We often rely on the bedrock cliché “It is what it is” to armor ourselves against IEDs – Idiotic Earthly Dilemmas. We need its unerring guidance to help us navigate through the mental minefield of wondering just what in tarnation is going on around here (italicized phrase should be read with a thick southern accent). To maintain some semblance of an equilibrium we humans need to be very accepting of our predicament and resorting to that age old explainer-awayer “It is what it is,” goes a long way to maintaining our stability in an uncertain world.  In times of stress a quick visit to the mental medicine cabinet for a handy dose of “It is what it is” often provides immediate temporary relief for minor existential pain. So what if it’s just a placebo masking the anxiety-producing effects of gnawing, insoluble challenges. This brings to mind the unlaunched man-child who finally realizes: “Jesus, I’ve got to move out of this basement for so many reasons. The first one is because the people living upstairs don’t even know I’m down here. Oh well, it is what it is.”

And as much as I belittle “It is what it is” I wouldn’t want to exclude it from our coping repertoire. It’s important to make some kind of informed decision and then act upon it. I mean we don’t want a lot of quibbling philosopher-Kings running around spouting-off, “Yes, but why does my toast burn when the universe knows I’d prefer it otherwise.” We don’t need that level of self-absorption. We need people to keep their noses to the grindstone so the rest of us can enjoy the freedom of going to a 7-11 at 3 a.m. for a Slurpee fix. Let us all stay engaged and directed. We know life is at its best when it’s uncomplicated, and saying “It is what it is” helps to keep it that way. Read the rest of this entry »