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Lesser Known English Royalty – Parts I & II

God Save Everybody, but especially QEII

Part I

  1. Lady Calgon of Bath
  2. Lord Fishinchips
  3. Princess Caitlyn – Formerly the Earl of Bruce
  4. Catherine of Arrogant
  5. Jane of Cleavage
  6. Catherine of Kissage
  7. John Longfellow of Shrinkage
  8. Duchess Beatrice Higginsbottom of Titwhistle
  9. Lord Camby Fetlock of Derbyshire – Although a Fetlock, he was a real horse’s arse
  10. King Henry the Alligator – I know. Ridiculous, but when Parliament was looking for a new Monarch they decreed, “Bring us Henry the Alligator…and make it snappy.”

Part II

  1. Lord Hartwick Chamberpot of Bladderpool
  2. Briles “Bertie” Anspach of Stroke-upon-Head
  3. Dame Cynthia Natwick the MILF of Heavenscleft
  4. Sir Giles Dipshit of Pickwick – The Nitwit of Pickwick
  5. Sir Spencer Feckless – The Coward of the County
  6. Earl Earl Earlton of Earlton – Redundancy is his middle name (actually it’s Earl)
  7. Dame Margaret “Bootie” Riles of Pisspiddle
  8. Sir Randy Bottoms of Randy Bottoms
  9. Osgood Maggot – Lord of the Flies
  10. Sir Richard “Dickie” Twickencock – First Adjutant Martyr of the Royal Withstanders
  11. Mycroft Tweedmouth of Worcestershire (Worcestershire is pronounced “Hullabaloo”)
  12. Marquis of Queensbury – His rules rule
  13. Lord Mountbatten of Bat Mountain
  14. Sir Charles Vermin of Rottingham
  15. Dame Cecily Pissnipple of Hardpass
  16. Count Basie of Ellington
  17. Duke Ellington of Basie
  18. Colonel Sanders of Kent
  19. Duke Paisley Park – The Duke was formerly known as Prince
  20. Duchess Cordelia Drywall – Born Emily Plaster, she married the Duke of Drywall after he got plastered
  21. Princess Purrsalot of Cheshire – She’s the cat’s Meow
  22. Laird Matthew McConaughy – The Fifth Firth of Forth
  23. Lady Constance Always of Evermore – Left an enduring legacy
  24. Baron of Clothes
  25. Count of Hands
  26. Duke of Patty
  27. Duke of Kale – the Plant-based alternative to the Duke of Patty
  28. Queen Elton John
  29. R2D2 – Queen of Bots
  30. Bluddy Hackett – A Noted Court Jester
  31. Sir Penzasword – The 1st part of his name is mightier than the 2nd part of his name
  32. Damn Judi Dench – Mother of Dame Judi Dench
  33. Dame Edna Pantaloons of Cavendish – Known as the craven dish from Cavendish
  34. Lord Gloomypants of Prozac Prospect
  35. Sir Thinxalot – A smart & cunning royal who some say was the inspiration for a Dr. Seuss character
  36. Sir Dumasdirt – Much beloved, but couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel
  37. Sir Reginald Bolus of Excrement
  38. Lady Winifred Butterscotch of Scoopage
  39. Lady Prudence Digby of Rigglesworth (of the Northumberland Rigglesworths’)
  40. Lord Albumen of Egg – Descended of the Egg Yorks
  41. Sir Thomas Libertine of Taint-upon-Arse
  42. Earl of Appalachia – Yeah, that Earl
  43. Lady Muffet of Tuffet – She had a way with whey
  44. Dam Eloise of Ipswich – Not a Dame but an actual Dam named Eloise in Ipswich
  45. Penelope Faithful of Reliance – May have dated Keith Richards
  46. Lady Prunella of Nutella
  47. Niles “Whitey” Heathcliff of Fluffernutter
  48. Astrid Ascot of Crackage
  49. Thurston Howell III – a 3-hour tour, a 3-hour tour
  50. Lady Douche – Born Summers Eve
  51. William the Constipated – A real tight ass
  52. Jane Seymour – The Exhibitionist
  53. Jane Seeless – The Prude
  54. Henry the Ate – Eviler twin of Henry the 8th. Defying the Pope, Henry the Ate legalized cannibalism and ate six of his wives.
  55. Earl of Sandwich
  56. Earl of Manwich
  57. Duke of Sloppy Joes
  58. Cleopatra Jones – Quentin Tarantino’s favorite Royal
  59. Earl of Pearl’s Mom – More commonly known as Mother of Pearl
  60. Henry the Abdicator – Crowned King on 3 separate occasions, but he abandoned the throne each time
  61. Richard the Lyinhearted – Wrong lion. This fibbing Monarch simply could not tell the truth
  62. Lord Pigsford of Hammingham
  63. King Harry the Ejaculator – Best to stand to the side of him
  64. Lady Ovary of a Certain Age – Lives in West Eggless
  65. Teh Dkue of Dyslexia
  66. Prince Charles – The Prince of Wales
  67. Prince Harry Styles – The Prince of Wails
  68. Prince Greenpeace – The Prince of Whales
  69. Sire Sanford Smitch of Suffern Succotash
  70. Lord Marlboro of Emphysema – Always joked, “What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coffin?”
  71. Jacques Cousteau – The Dauphin of Dolphins

Lesser Known Catholic Saints (and a small lesson in parallel universes)

Maybe I’m attempting too much here, but I’ve only got so much time left and I’m determined to spend it like a drunken sailor.

~ Presenting 6 parallel introductions of the same topic. Each with its own inherent bias ~

  1. The Generous and Funny Introduction: In all of Christendom, the revered Catholic Church is far and away the most consequential. For millennia the resolute Church has provided a dependable sanctuary and a loving interpretation of Christ’s moral philosophy. And even in the darkest of ages, it has been a beacon of hope and a light unto the world. And I use the phrase “unto the world” instead of “in the world” because “unto the world” smacks of greater religious authority. In order to generate even more gravitas in the future, I might rollout out a “thee” or a “thou” and maybe even a few “thines” but I’ll try not to be holier than thou (see, it works). What can you say about an exemplary religion that’s spawned more copycat wannabees than Madonna did in her heyday (and here I’m referring to Madonna the singer, not to Madonna Jesus’s mom)? Sometimes spin-offs work (Doritos begat Nacho Doritos) and sometimes they don’t (Catholicism begat the Amish). Not to disparage the Amish, but my idea of horsepower and their idea of horse power are two very different things.

 

  1. The Damning with Faint Praise Introduction: Of all the Christian sects, the glamorous Catholic Church is far and away the most Hollywood. Tinseltown’s glittery flair seems to have informed the Church’s practices and even decorated their Christmas trees. What can you say about a steadfast religion that’s resisted secular relativism and spawned more spinoffs than Fast and Furious? Sometimes spin-offs work (Chevrolet begat the Corvette) and sometimes they don’t (Chevy also begat the Chevette). Not to disparage Chevrolet, but my idea of horsepower and a Chevette’s idea of horsepower are two very different things.

 

  1. The Contemptuous Zoological Introduction that Goes Off the Rails: Of all the animals in the Christian Zoo, the outsized Catholic Church is the elephant in the room no one wants to clean-up after. In the menagerie of Christian denominations masquerading as the ultimate path to God, Catholicism has the biggest footprint – and why wouldn’t it? It’s the elephant in the room with 4 huge stamping feet that parishioners hope will walk softly and carry a big trunk. What can you say about a religion that’s spawned more spinoffs than an RC Cola accidentally set on a Tommy Dorsey record played at 78 rpms? Make that a Jimmy Dorsey record. In fact make that a reference from less than 80 years ago that people might possibly understand or appreciate. Clearly, I’ve got work to do and I implore you to stay with me and keep reading. You can get back to the familiar satisfaction of your iPhone in 10 minutes, I promise. Hmmmm…but what if you’re on your iPhone now reading this. Suddenly it’s Alice through the looking glass and a tsunami of anxiety overwhelms me. This is no time for a panic attack and yet this fretful, disjointed introduction is a panic attack just waiting to happen. Check that. Oh sh*t! It’s not waiting. It’s happening. Right now…to me. Jesus, where’s writer’s block when you need it. As I hyperventilate and begin rocking back and forth, a semantic question pierces my anxiety: Did writers who lived behind the Soviet’s Iron Curtain suffer from Writers’ Bloc?  

 

  1. The Vacuous, Out-to-Lunch Introduction: Of all the Christian sects, the Catholic Church is one of them. It’s a big one. Elephant big. The Church knows it’s important to be good (or at least to not get caught doing anything bad). But if you are caught, you are invited to confess to a priest and all is forgiven. The idea of being good seems to have informed their practices and is somehow indirectly responsible for all the glorious decorations on their Church ceilings. What can you say about a legacy religion that’s spawned more spinoffs than Pepperidge Farm has with their cookies? Sometimes spin-offs work (Darth Vader begat Luke Skywalker) and sometimes they don’t (Hamburger Helper begat Pancreas Helper). Not to disparage all other religions, but…oh forget #4. I’m just relieved my panic attack is over.

 

  1. The Unforgiving Malevolent Introduction: Of all the Christian sex, the unpoliced Catholic Church has far and away screwed everybody the most. Unvetted priests have groomed and corrupted impressionable followers in the most irreligious ways imaginable. Self-serving silence seems to have informed their practices, even at the cost of millions in settlements and untold psychic harm. What can you say about a religion that spun-off a Hall of Fame to enshrine its most luminous players – they call it Sainthood? Sometimes spin-offs work (The Pirates of the Caribbean ride begat The Pirates of the Caribbean movie) and sometimes they don’t (The Pirates of the Caribbean ride begat The Pirates of the Caribbean movie). I guess it all depends on your perspective in judging whether something works or not. Not to disparage Johnny Depp, but his imitation of Keith Richards as Capt. Jack Sparrow gives no Satisfaction.

 

  1. The Even-Handed, Glossed Over Introduction (so we may finally get on with our entertaining little story): The Catholic Church has done its god damned best to attend to its needy flock. Sometimes they’ve fallen short, but not for a lack of good intentions. Whether Crusading through Europe, or just gently interrogating the Spanish to make sure they were really, truly Catholic, the Church always had its heart in the right place. Sometimes that heart had only 2 creaky chambers distributing the milk of human kindness stingily and unevenly, instead of 4 robust chambers pounding out truth and justice equally to all seekers. What can you say about an institution that’s produced more copycat religions than there are copycat Beatles tribute bands? Not to disparage these tribute bands, but my idea of revolution and their idea of Revolution are two very different things. At any rate, our evolution can only happen at a speed we can handle. Godspeed everyone!

And Now We Begin Our Story

Similar to the way Steven “Book of” Jobs founded Apple by tinkering in his dad’s garage, Jesus started writing code for his start-up cult in his dad’s stable. Sometimes Joseph would poke his head in and suspiciously inquire, “Jesus Christ, what’s going on in here?”

To which his exasperated son would reply, “Daaaad! I told you, I’m formulating a moral philosophy for mankind to live by.”

“Yeah sure son. Every night for 6 months?,” Joseph would huff in Aramaic. “I’m not sure what’s going on in here, but I smell frankincense.”

“I told you dad. I got that as a gift when I was born. It helps me to think.” Jesus explained. Read the rest of this entry »