known | davidhardiman.com

Posts Tagged ‘known’

Lesser Known English Royalty – Parts I & II

God Save Everybody, but especially QEII

Part I

  1. Lady Calgon of Bath
  2. Lord Fishinchips
  3. Princess Caitlyn – Formerly the Earl of Bruce
  4. Catherine of Arrogant
  5. Jane of Cleavage
  6. Catherine of Kissage
  7. John Longfellow of Shrinkage
  8. Duchess Beatrice Higginsbottom of Titwhistle
  9. Lord Camby Fetlock of Derbyshire – Although a Fetlock, he was a real horse’s arse
  10. King Henry the Alligator – I know. Ridiculous, but when Parliament was looking for a new Monarch they decreed, “Bring us Henry the Alligator…and make it snappy.”

Part II

  1. Lord Hartwick Chamberpot of Bladderpool
  2. Briles “Bertie” Anspach of Stroke-upon-Head
  3. Dame Cynthia Natwick the MILF of Heavenscleft
  4. Sir Giles Dipshit of Pickwick – The Nitwit of Pickwick
  5. Sir Spencer Feckless – The Coward of the County
  6. Earl Earl Earlton of Earlton – Redundancy is his middle name (actually it’s Earl)
  7. Dame Margaret “Bootie” Riles of Pisspiddle
  8. Sir Randy Bottoms of Randy Bottoms
  9. Osgood Maggot – Lord of the Flies
  10. Sir Richard “Dickie” Twickencock – First Adjutant Martyr of the Royal Withstanders
  11. Mycroft Tweedmouth of Worcestershire (Worcestershire is pronounced “Hullabaloo”)
  12. Marquis of Queensbury – His rules rule
  13. Lord Mountbatten of Bat Mountain
  14. Sir Charles Vermin of Rottingham
  15. Dame Cecily Pissnipple of Hardpass
  16. Count Basie of Ellington
  17. Duke Ellington of Basie
  18. Colonel Sanders of Kent
  19. Duke Paisley Park – The Duke was formerly known as Prince
  20. Duchess Cordelia Drywall – Born Emily Plaster, she married the Duke of Drywall after he got plastered
  21. Princess Purrsalot of Cheshire – She’s the cat’s Meow
  22. Laird Matthew McConaughy – The Fifth Firth of Forth
  23. Lady Constance Always of Evermore – Left an enduring legacy
  24. Baron of Clothes
  25. Count of Hands
  26. Duke of Patty
  27. Duke of Kale – the Plant-based alternative to the Duke of Patty
  28. Queen Elton John
  29. R2D2 – Queen of Bots
  30. Bluddy Hackett – A Noted Court Jester
  31. Sir Penzasword – The 1st part of his name is mightier than the 2nd part of his name
  32. Damn Judi Dench – Mother of Dame Judi Dench
  33. Dame Edna Pantaloons of Cavendish – Known as the craven dish from Cavendish
  34. Lord Gloomypants of Prozac Prospect
  35. Sir Thinxalot – A smart & cunning royal who some say was the inspiration for a Dr. Seuss character
  36. Sir Dumasdirt – Much beloved, but couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel
  37. Sir Reginald Bolus of Excrement
  38. Lady Winifred Butterscotch of Scoopage
  39. Lady Prudence Digby of Rigglesworth (of the Northumberland Rigglesworths’)
  40. Lord Albumen of Egg – Descended of the Egg Yorks
  41. Sir Thomas Libertine of Taint-upon-Arse
  42. Earl of Appalachia – Yeah, that Earl
  43. Lady Muffet of Tuffet – She had a way with whey
  44. Dam Eloise of Ipswich – Not a Dame but an actual Dam named Eloise in Ipswich
  45. Penelope Faithful of Reliance – May have dated Keith Richards
  46. Lady Prunella of Nutella
  47. Niles “Whitey” Heathcliff of Fluffernutter
  48. Astrid Ascot of Crackage
  49. Thurston Howell III – a 3-hour tour, a 3-hour tour
  50. Lady Douche – Born Summers Eve
  51. William the Constipated – A real tight ass
  52. Jane Seymour – The Exhibitionist
  53. Jane Seeless – The Prude
  54. Henry the Ate – Eviler twin of Henry the 8th. Defying the Pope, Henry the Ate legalized cannibalism and ate six of his wives.
  55. Earl of Sandwich
  56. Earl of Manwich
  57. Duke of Sloppy Joes
  58. Cleopatra Jones – Quentin Tarantino’s favorite Royal
  59. Earl of Pearl’s Mom – More commonly known as Mother of Pearl
  60. Henry the Abdicator – Crowned King on 3 separate occasions, but he abandoned the throne each time
  61. Richard the Lyinhearted – Wrong lion. This fibbing Monarch simply could not tell the truth
  62. Lord Pigsford of Hammingham
  63. King Harry the Ejaculator – Best to stand to the side of him
  64. Lady Ovary of a Certain Age – Lives in West Eggless
  65. Teh Dkue of Dyslexia
  66. Prince Charles – The Prince of Wales
  67. Prince Harry Styles – The Prince of Wails
  68. Prince Greenpeace – The Prince of Whales
  69. Sire Sanford Smitch of Suffern Succotash
  70. Lord Marlboro of Emphysema – Always joked, “What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coffin?”
  71. Jacques Cousteau – The Dauphin of Dolphins

Strange, Little Known Coincidences You and I Share

  1. I’ve written something you’ve read.       See, told ya.
  2. We’ve both gazed upon the vast cosmos and wondered, “Is the pizza guy ever gonna get here?”
  3. We’ve assembled brand new BBQs using just the Spanish instructions. Now the only thing it grills well is Carne Asada.
  4. We have overheard show dog breeders say, “Looks like we’ll need to anal bleach the Rottweiler.”
  5. We both wonder if instead of giving GEICO 15 minutes to save 15%, we could give them 50 minutes and save 50%
  6. We do more with less, but at campfires we do s’mores with s’less
  7. We believe there’s a God someplace…probably in the Witness Protection Program
  8. We believe Chevy Chase is no longer funny and is probably in the Witless Protection Program
  9. Whenever we eat alphabet soup it seems to only contain the letters LGBTQ
  10. Growing up we believed that Noble Gases were something emitted by royalty
  11. We believe in Global Warming, but not in Global Parming. For example, no one should ever eat Liver Parmesan.
  12. We’ve picked our friend’s seat – but only at a baseball stadium
  13. By combining song lyrics we’ve both managed to ♫look at clouds in our coffee from both sides now♫
  14. We forget the all-encompassing truth about…ummm…y’know…that thing…about love…y’know…c’mon, I know you know it