Posts Tagged ‘marijuana’

1. I’m organizing a 2-Mile Run to promote Metric System Awareness
2. I’m tellin’ ya…Chuck Norris has no safe word
3. They asked the Marquis De Sade’s wife why she stays with him.

What did she say?

Beats me.

4. They asked the married cannibals why they stayed together.

What did they say?

Eats me!  

5. Remember what Narcissus said to himself before bed: “You had me at me.”
6. What are you reading?

Oh, it’s the poorly selling sequel to The Little Engine That Could

Really? What’s it called?

The Little Engine That Threw a Rod

7. Do you know he was never sick a day in his life. Nope, he did all his puking at night.
8. That little girl scout out front selling her cookies– she sure knows her market
9. I’m jittery, like a squirrel, about ready to cross a busy highway. If only I remembered where I buried my nuts.
10. I’m tellin’ ya…Chuck Norris has no bucket list items
11. I never feel quite right watching a Thursday Night edition of Monday Night Football. Those are weak days.
12. I have it on good authority that when you die, they ask you to take a brief “How did we do?” survey. And I didn’t think they cared.

1. Wavy Gravy – A stoner classic. It’s a regular gravy lake you stare at, and then you swear it becomes wavy.
2. Ham-murmurs and Hot Gods – A hallucinogenic take on America’s favorites. Dyslexilicious. Laminated menu with glossy pictures makes it easy for space cadets to point and order.
3. Sue Nami’s Tsunami of Tzatziki Sauce – Who cares how it looks. It spells great.
4. 

   ♫Take a sad brownie, and make it better♫

   Smorgasbord of Marshmallow S’mores – As good tasting as it is hard to say

5. Limp Biskit Infused with Viagra – With this special batter you can now pour yourself a stiff one.
6. Endless Loop of Froot Loops – One simply cannot eat it alone, but toucan.
7. Kraft Mellowroni & Cheese – Talk about your comfort food. This soothing dish is a favorite with low budget college kids.
8. The Candy Man Did – We always knew the Candy man could. Well, now he has: Everlasting Gobstoppers.
9. Lobster with Mother Jones Special Herbs – So good you’ll swear you’re molting.
10. MC Escher’s Bottomless Bowl of Tiny Cookies: A  jar full of increasingly Tiny Cookies that gradually dissolve into imperceptible granules. Then almost undetectably the cookie crumbs coalesce and start to grow progressively larger as the process repeats itself you come to realize you’re confined to a crummy oscillating universe.
11. 22/7 of a Pizza Pi – An irrational, irreducible pizza. In theory it can never be eaten, but it’s fun to try.
12. Who Cares What It Is, I’ve Got Serious Munchies – Just know that it’s chewable and non –toxic.
13. Beer Battered Bear Balls – You’ll never actually eat one. You’ll just convulse in laughter trying to say, “Please pass the Beer Battered Bear Balls.”
14. Kentucky Fried Corn – Makes a kernel proud. You’ll appreciate the play on words in your mouth even if it is kinda corny.
15. Tears in My Eyes Maui Onion – Hotter than Kilauea magma, this onion will bring tears to your already red eyes both for its chemical irritant and its superlative, layered beauty.
16. Cake – Just generic cake. Eat the whole thing and shut up. You know you love it. Simple carbohydrates will have you chasing prey on the Serengeti like a cheetah. Comes in chocolate and Wildebeest flavor
17. Peanut Butter and KY Jelly Muffwich – Again, just eat it and shut up. You know you love it. Comes with a side of Benadryl.
18. LGBTQ Rainbow Sherbet – So stunning in its colorfully icy plumage that most just stare slack-jawed until it melts.
19. Bacon Grease with Dippy Bread – Artery-hardening liquid joy. Must make out Will prior to eating.
20. Denny’s Slam Bam Grand Slam Ham & Clam Jam – Filthily spreadable. Comes with hairless buns.
21. Dinfast – That thing when you need to eat continuously from dinner to breakfast. We call it Dinfast. Depending on the time of day we also serve Fastlun and Lunner. Note: Brunch not available

Girl Scouts of America (GSA) have taken what was traditionally a little charitable bake sale and transformed it into a sophisticated glucose delivery system. Frantic sales scenes like the following have been reported all across America as a kind of cookie-mania has swept over our nations medical marijuana dispensaries.

 

Near the entrance to Pot Shots in Portland, OR, 9-year old Becky Galvin was all dressed up in her freshly pressed Girl Scout uniform when she looked up at red-eyed Eddie Miller and observed, “You look like you could use a box of my Thin Mints.”

“How much for a box,” blurted-out a fidgety Mr. Miller?

“Five dollars sir,” politely answered Becky.

“I’ll take 20.” Mr. Miller quickly tossed a C-note on the portable plastic table Mrs. Galvin had purchased recently at Costco and in the span of 2 minutes, 19 boxes were loaded into the meshed netting of his 2008 Honda Element. He reserved one box for his personal use in the front seat.

“This box’ll be empty before I ever get home,” Mr. Miller remarked before mistakenly wishing Becky good luck on her new religion.    Read the rest of this entry »

Reefer madness is back in a big and legal way and agribusiness (or the Agri-ceutical Business as I call it) is scrambling to expand their market share by creating more designer strains of weed than you can shake a ganja stick at. In appealing to recreational users in underserved niches growers have formulated some highly customized experiences bordering on the absurd. Accordingly, this sincere satirization of those formulations also borders on the absurd and is in keeping with the general weirdness of marijana experiences to begin with. So even though this is a work of fiction, it’s never too far from reality.

My purported purpose (yes – a purported purpose) in writing this piece is to help the uninitiated select a designer pot that’s right for them. Having said that (I love to say that), my real purpose is to generate the knowing smirk we all exhibit when we become momentarily free from years of accumulated struggles. For some it takes the power of an NDE (Near Death Experience) to convince us that all is not as it seems. But usually this knowing smirk is generated more prosaically.

For example sometimes this kind of liberating interruption visits us when we’re right in the middle of doing something very human – as in this case, optimizing our reefer choices. Perhaps your knowing smirk may appear between sentences, or maybe as you look away from the words and all your pretense vanishes. It may not come at all even though you know it’s there. Sometimes you just can’t get there until you’ve plowed through enough of life’s buffeting experiences and finally surrender into, “Alright. Enough already. I get it.” And then we may get that window on the marvel behind all creation – and this isn’t the pot talking either.

I’m holding out for a lot here, and the medium I’ve chosen (a silly faux review of designer pot) is perhaps not the most direct route to this level of self-awareness, however rest assured, whether you feel it or not, it’s all happening anyway – is this coming through? Alright I’ll get on with it. Read the rest of this entry »