Posts Tagged ‘movie’

1. The truth I can handle. Your breath is another story.
2. Houston, we have a polyp.
3. Now do you understand why there’s a Sawzall on my nightstand?
4. If they make Ferris Bueller’s Day Off 2 ” Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and do laundry once in a while, you could run out of pants.”
5. Doggone it! If you can’t lend me a hand, then how about a paw?
6. But I don’t need a third nostril.
7. If they make The Wizard of Oz in Alaska: “There’s no place like Nome. There’s no place like Nome.”
8. Now you’re telling me we’re out of toilet paper? It’s too late.
9. You’re an *sshole because every time we talk you manage to work in the word “rawdogging.”
10. Abner! Get away from that teat now. That milk is for baby ocelots, not for you.
11. You had me at, “I’m a millionaire.”

These following movie sequels just didn’t have the big budget their more lavish progenitors did. And due to these budgetary constraints, the sequels suffered greatly. Below is a list of the cut-rate sequels and an explanation of where corners were cut.

1. Thawed — A low budget sequel to Frozen. Disney had hoped to at least call it Slushy, but they simply could not keep the temperature on the set below 32° and everything that was frozen, thawed.
2. A Few Things, Many Places, at Various Times — This sequel to Everything, Everywhere, All at Once tried, but failed to achieve the penetrating ubiquity of its originator. So instead of everything being everywhere, all at once, the best they could muster was a few things being many places, at various times.
3. Gone with a Gust — One strong blast of Southern air changes everything for Rhett and Scarlett. After that one powerful gust blew the set away (the blowing of Atlanta), the movie kinda peters out and came in at an economical 41 minutes instead of the original GWTW’s 3h 58m. Some said it should’ve been longer. Others said 41 minutes was enough. If you ask me, “Frankly, I don’t give a damn.”
4. Goodfella — De-pluralizing Goodfellas meant the sequel had to pay only one criminal. By focusing on one lone Goodfella instead of many needy Goodfellas, allowed them to save a bundle in catering, wardrobe and fake blood expenses.
5. (The Terrestrial) — No ETs (Extra Terrestrials) in this sequel. Just one inexpensive, low maintenance terrestrial.
6. 6 Annoyed Guys — This was the diluted sequel to the classic 12 Angry Men. With only 6 jurors, it wasn’t even a legal trial, but the producers just couldn’t afford to pay a room full of 12 Angry Men – let alone trying to sustain their anger at fever pitch for such a long shoot. The best they could do in this sequel was to keep 6 guys kinda annoyed for a while.

 

Now might be a good time to visit the lobby for a 1 lb. box of Milk Duds

 

7. The OK, the Not OK and the Homely — Moviegoers had trouble finding the good, the bad and the ugly in this Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western sequel to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
8. Mary Poppin — Maintaining the thin premise to this de-pluralized sequel to the Disney classic was difficult. Super nanny Mary Poppin visits her charges, but doesn’t stay long. She just pops in, hence the name Mary Pop-in. The movie didn’t do well, but they did make a fortune in merchandising jet-powered umbrellas.
9. Le Vert Kilometer (French sequel to The Green Mile) — Producers were able to save beaucoup Euros by only having to travel a kilometer (.625 of a mile) instead of the full green mile.
10. The Mildly Elated Pugilist — He wasn’t a Glad-iator, but he was happy enough
11. Neurotic — A very tame version of Psycho. Plot: A nerdy guy (Norman Bates) has a fascination with toucans and keeps boxes of long ago expired Froot Loops in a rocking chair in the attic. He’s harmless really and by no means crazy – just very neurotic. For example, instead of taxidermy his favorite hobby is scrapbooking pictures of Laurie Metcalf from Roseanne. Fairly benign stuff really, consequently there’s very little tension in the movie. There’s the obligatory shower scene where, after a her pickle ball tournament, Norman’s wife Beatrice cleans up real nice and Norman thoughtfully hands her a towel to dry off before they go out to dinner at Spago.

 

Visit the lobby for a movie-sized 2 lb. box of Sno*Caps that expired in 1999

 

1. Jerusalem Jones and the Temple of El Shalom — Don’t know if we needed this Semitic swashbuckler. But for those who do enjoy getting their swashes buckled, we see our Hebraic hero “Indy” trade in his battered fedora for a reverent yarmulke. And instead of fearing snakes, Jerusalem Jones has a strong aversion to ham.
2. Arm’s Length Encounters of the 4th Kind — Talk about an alien experience, these encounters are neither close, nor of the 3rd kind. This movie is the opposite of out of this world.
3. Bottom Chef — Doomed sequel to the TV show Top Chef. Talk about weak sauce. These chefs can’t boil water without burning it. The only thing well done on this show are the closing credits. The winning chef’s best recipe was calling Grub Hub.
4. UnTru — This sequel reimagines Truman Capote as a barrel-chested WASP, bedding down societies’ dames with a stroke of his mighty pen. And according to the ladies, his pen is mighty. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is completely miscast as the effete writer. And due to copyright infringement laws scriptwriters were only able to refer to Capote’s masterpiece as Brunch at Tiffany’s.
5. Back to the Present Time — Doc and Marty McFly travel in a 2019 Subaru Forester from the present time, to the present time. This lack of time travel makes no sense at all in this sequel to Back to the Future.. But since keeping it in present day makes set-building unnecessary and special effects practically nonexistent, costs were kept to a minimum.

 

Hey the lobby is empty now. Enjoy an 84 oz. Coke served in a popcorn tub.

 

1. It’s a Mad, Mad World — In this sequel, the world had gotten 50% saner so it was no longer a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
2. To Nurse a Mockingbird — The Harper Lee classic To Kill a Mockingbird as told through the eyes of an idealistic veterinarian Atticus Finch who nurses an injured bird back to health in the Deep South. This sequel is just a bird-brained idea.
3. Arbor Day — Everyday Bill Murray wakes up in a tree, until he finally learns the true meaning of pruning
4. 1001: A Space Odyssey — Not a lot happening in this turn of the 2nd millennium sequel. After the opening scene where the ape tosses the bone skyward, they cut to some sooty hovels in the Black Forest where dwell the Visigoths or the Vandals or some such grimy neanderthals near what is now present-day Stuttgart. An errant Starbucks cup left on a blacksmith’s anvil and enough contrails to play tic-tac-toe on, ruin any sense of Dark Ages realism.
5. Some of the President’s Men — By the time they got around to filming the sequel, not All the President’s Men were still alive
6. 38 Dalmatians — Much cheaper to produce and clean up after 38 dogs than after 101 of these purebreds
7. Little About Eve — They pretty much covered it in All About Eve, and there just wasn’t much more to dish in this unenlightening, patchwork sequel.
8. It’s a Tolerable Life, No Really — In this follow-up to Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey tries to convince himself that his “meh” life is one he can put up with – especially if he can convince Mrs. Bailey to wear the new push-up bra he bought for her.

25. Rosemary’s Cabbage — A devilishly good sequel. After years of trying, Rosemary finally gets pregnant at the hands of her husband (it wasn’t technically his hands, but you get the point). However, because Rosemary is such a dedicated vegan, genes get crossed, and she gives birth to a cabbage.

 

Did you know that America’s largest trading partner is Mexico? Yes. Our commerce with Mexico is both Good & Plenty.

 

1. Higher Noon — This modern-day sequel to High Noon takes place at a marijuana dispensary called “We’d Love.” In the background we hear proprietor Seth Rogen saying, “Dave is not here man.”
2. 3 Shades of a Grey Ink — Far from the erotic vibrancy of 50 Shades of Grey, this monastic sequel takes place in a medieval abbey where monks sworn to silence handwrite biblical passages in 3 shades of grey ink. Of the 300+ monks at the monastery only one – a friar named Gregor – is permitted to talk. And even at that they only let Gregor chant.
3. The Codfather — Most of the so-called action takes place on the outer banks of Nova Scotia where underworld sharks vie for marine supremacy. The Codfather dismisses the sport fishermen in their fancy boats as a bunch of “air breathers.” In the end the entire school becomes the Codfather’s family and, out of respect, kiss his gills. A few hoodlum barracuda are whacked for trying to spawn with the halibut.

29. Sons of Beaches — Grittier sequel to Beaches.
30. Apocalypse Later! — A lazy, dawdling remake of Apocalypse Now. As one reviewer said, “Armageddon delayed is Armageddon denied.” In this sequel they just keep procrastinating the apocalypse. It’s infuriating. Here’s some typical dialogue:

Capt. Willard: Apocalypse Now?

Col Kurtz: Nah, apocalypse later.

Capt. Willard: OK, how about now?

Col. Kurtz: Nope, too soon.

 

And finally, in your last trip to the lobby, may I suggest an appetizing high mileage hot dog that’s been spinning on the same roller since bell bottoms were in

Very Sensitive Viewers.

Very, Very, Very Sensitive Viewers.

While practicing good manners and respectful behaviors have their proper place in a high-functioning society, some have grown hypersensitive to mild offenses or perceived slights. These overly empathetic souls have little tolerance for coarse behaviors. Full disclosure: While I consider myself woke, I’m also very groggy.

 

Whether this inability of certain people to take things in stride is set at the factory or is a learned disposition I’ll leave to the sociologists. Suffice to say, that for whatever reason, many individuals take umbrage at the gentlest of affronts. Rather than us being outraged by their uber compassion or misguided benevolence, I say we pack them in cotton and coddle them further. And it’s with this faulty premise in mind I’ve taken the time to highlight some coarse content in movies these souls might find concerning or want to avoid altogether.

 

 

Shows that May Depict Scenes that are Inappropriate for Uber Sensitive Audiences 

The following shows may contain content that an overly sensitive viewer might consider offensive. And they may want to avoid such brazenly boorish behaviors so as to not disturb their delicate disposition:

 

1. The documentary A History of Stringed Instruments: Sensitive viewers should be forewarned there’s a lot of gratuitous violins in it. Some say too much violins at the expense of the cellos. I don’t mean to harp on this and I’m not a lyre, but you could save some lute by going to another movie.
2. Be advised French director François Truffaut’s Fahrenheit 451 (the temperature at which paper ignites) features moldy cheese (Roquefort), women with unshaven armpits and many French words spoken in a heavy French accent. It is recommended you should avoid this movie if you are either lactose intolerant, pit averse or just plain Francophobic. And don’t be fooled; the European title of Fahrenheit 451 is Celsius 232.8
3. Nudity Warning: In Matt Damon’s We Bought a Zoo, many, if not all of the animals appear completely naked and walk around just like it’s nothing
4. Rapacious Consumption Alert: In Jurassic Park, some of the park’s visitors walking in the background (extras) are believed to have eaten fish that were caught unsustainably. If you can’t stomach people who’ve eaten non-farmed fish it is best to avoid this movie.
5. Noxious Nicotine Potential could leave you fuming: In Sophie’s Choice, in a scene where Meryl Streep must make a momentous decision, a pack of unfiltered cigarettes (Gitanes) can clearly be seen on a table, as if to condone, if not promote its addictively lethal vapors
6. Cautionary Tail: In Lassie Comes Home, the titular canine wags her tail in a highly suggestive manner, possibly indicating Timmy fell down the well, or maybe that Timmy is outback of the bunkhouse swilling moonshine with Betsy.
7. In Jack Ass 8 there’s an abundance of Full-Frontal Idiocy. It’s so in your face.
8. Scandalously Titillating Topography: In David Attenborough’s Our Planet, in a segment on Australia’s Koala bear, a mountain in the background appears to suggest naked female hips, causing a modest person to wonder why she’s not wearing panties Down Under.
9. Clever Coarse Language Alert: Cover your ears from the profane. In the documentary The Construction of the Empire State Building, the word “erection” is used in congratulatory reference to the newly constructed building: “Your company has managed a truly marvelous erection that shall stand for a thousand years.”
10. Avert Your Eyes if Able Warning: In the TED talk Dentistry in Estonia, you’ll be aghast as you witness the presenter with an errant piece of spinach covering almost 2 of his incisors.
11. Mile-High Misogynist Club Warning: In Top Gun, while playing pool, a cocky, gum-chewing pilot indirectly comments on his appreciation of a nearby woman’s buttocks. Is there no shame?
12. Geriatric Sorrow Alert: In the movie Cocoon, several arthritic women attempt to open a jar of pickles to no avail. Viewers will feel their pain when the seniors are forced to eat their sandwiches pickleless.

1. The Lambshank Redemption – After a disastrous Thanksgiving dinner, prison cook Kyle Porter redeems himself with a Christmas lamb shank dinner all the inmates praise.
2. Petty Woman – Julia Roberts presides over a book club of small-minded women who read and discuss one-star Yelp! reviews
3. 

   Yeah, somebody else got there first, but I came by my thoughts honestly and these were all original ideas so you’re getting something in short supply these days – Trith. I mean Truth.

   Plump Fiction – Tarrantino blows the lid off the weight loss industry

4. Fat and Furious: How Roseanne Barr Lost Her TV Series – Weight waits for no one
5. Apocalypse Later – In this dilatory sequel to Apocalypse Now moviegoers felt cheated. They said “Armageddon delayed is Armageddon denied”
6. Batman: Dark Chocolate – A very sweet picture where Ghirardelli and Cadbury vie for global chocolate supremacy. Cadbury sets the bar low, so children can reach it. Ghirardelli sets the bar high, to attract adults with money. How low can they go? – that question is in limbo.
7. Triassic Park: Algae-geddon – In this slow-moving thriller set 225 million years ago, red and green phyto-planktons vie for chromatic dominance in the primordial ocean. In a stunning reveal at the 3-hour mark, they penetrate each other’s membranes only to discover they’re each other’s fathers. In the end a unifying Algae Bloom appears to be reddish-green confirming the truth that all single-celled life matters. It’s a movie only a microbiologist historian could love – all 9 of them.
8. When Harry Met Larry – A recent widower (Harry) seeks counseling from an LGBTQA? group. He gets the acronym all jumbled-up and somehow falls in love with his grief counselor (Larry).
9. Hairy Poppins – Robin Williams in his last role. A hairy and magical male nanny brings great cheer into the joyless lives of sheltered children. Songs include: Just a Spoonful of Nutella and SuperDisneydocious
10. The Sound of Mucous: Life in a Tuberculosis Ward – A light-hearted look at respiratory distress. Patients find the songs an inspiration before their expiration.
11. Melted: Life in a Globally Warmed World – It’s Frozen warmed over. All the action figures are damp.
12. Close Encounters of the Worst Kind – How COVID has upended dating
13. Close Encounters of the Wurst Kind – Weinerschnitzel deals with a contaminated batch of brats.
14. Close Encounters of the Aryan Kind: Hitler Gets a Massage – After a superlative massage given by an archetypal, bare-chested Rhine maiden, the Fuhrer has an epiphany. He’ll pursue hedonism, pleasure and love instead of world domination, genocide and war. The term Nazissage is introduced. All it took was one positive experience with a caring, giving woman and boom; 40 million people get to live. Funny how the world can turn on the slimmest of events.

And the Oscar Goes to: These Make-Believe Movies in Make-Believe Categories

1. Diluted Sriracha – Won for Best Weak Sauce
2. Butterscotch Sundae – Won for Best Week Sauce
3. Friday – Won for Best Week Day
4. Judas – Won for Worst Weak Link
5. Weinerschnitzel – Won for Best Wurst
6. Weinerschnitzel – Won again for Best Hot Link
7. Chimpanzees – Won for Best Missing Link
8. Link – Clarence Williams III won for Best Former Mod Squad Character.
9. Blynken – Won for Best Link between Wynken and Nod.
10. Lincoln – Won for Not Joining LinkedIn. Bad optics: Lincoln in LinkedIn
11. Weakest Link – Won for Breaking the Chain

I’ve enjoyed writing this for those who enjoy reading it. So to you who got this far and would like to send me money, send it to the World Food Programme https://www.wfp.org/.  Mr. Hardiman is not a paid spokesman, nor does he receive any food from the World Food Programme. I’m telling you the Trith.