women | davidhardiman.com

Posts Tagged ‘women’

Hardiman Just Doesn’t Understand Women

  • Until recently he thought Angina was a heart ailment only women suffered from


  • Until recently he thought a Vulva was a very safe Swedish car.


  • Until recently he thought a Menstrual Cycle was something schoolgirls rode from period to period


  • Until recently he thought a Clitoral Hood was a place where very sensitive people hung out


  • Until recently he thought Labia Minora and Labia Majora were constellations


  • Until recently he thought the Ozone was a very sensitive spot on a woman. The O-zone.


  • Until recently he discovered people were actually saying “At your service ma’am.” when all along he thought they were saying “At your cervix ma’am.”


  • Until recently he thought Hymen was a greeting you might say to a bunch of workmen you’re walking by


  • Until recently he thought Urethra was the first name of the Queen of Soul. Urethra Franklin


  • Until recently he thought FallopianTube was a video-sharing service for women


  • Until recently he thought a Tipped Uterus was a gratuity given to a womb that provided really great cervix. “Thank you for your cervix ma’am.”


  • Until recently he thought Clitoris was a breath freshening chewing gum. Wrong. It was Clorets. The guy must be suffering from Cloret’s Syndrome.


  • Until recently he thought Estrogen was a citizen of Estrogenia


  • Until recently he thought a Hysterectomy was when you removed the laugh track from a sitcom


  • Until recently he thought an Ovary was that little accent mark atop the letter é. An over é. 


I’m not convinced Mr. Hardiman is even trying to clarify these misapprehensions. Sometimes I think he just pays them lip service. Meanwhile, for some reason, he refuses to eat at any Black Angus restaurant.


Newly Hacked: 1st Draft of Harvey Weinstein’s Resignation Letter

Harvey Weinstein is so ugly that when he was born they slapped his mother.

This is the 1st draft of embattled producer Harvey Weinstein’s resignation letter. “Embattled” meaning he’s guilty of whatever it is he’s battling. Mr. Weinstein’s letter was obtained before his female defense lawyer had an opportunity to sanitize it for public consumption. Loutish schmucks like Weinstein always hire a female lawyer to perfume their transgressions with a sense of “this will never happen again and see, even a girl supports me.” And many of these lady lawyers are happy to turn the tables on these serial schemers by becoming the fig leaf for their ill deeds at $1700 an hour plus expenses. It’s poetic justice really; whereby the guy who took coercive advantage of women is now being similarly taken advantage of by a woman. Through the Freedom of Information Act I obtained Mr. Weinstein’s 1st draft (alright I got it from Igor my Russian IT hacker) and disclose it here in the hopes readers will marvel at its’ self-centered obliviousness.


Dearest Friends, Colleagues and that tattletale Gwyneth Paltrow,

On this somber occasion when I’ve been caught with my pants down and my robe open, it pains me to announce my resignation from Weinstein Productions (a division Casting Couch Industries). You can imagine my disappointment in having to step down from such a carefully crafted female trap that took me decades to perfect. It wasn’t easy forging a foolproof method where an inflated, hairy ogre like myself was able to take advantage of some of Hollywood’s most vulnerable beauties – before they had any leverage in the business. People should know that for every woman who rebuffed my “offers of love” another 3 quietly submitted to them. So in my mind I’m batting like .750. Those are Hall of Fame numbers – not bad for a graceless toad from Queens who women wouldn’t bother with if, instead of being a powerful Hollywood mogul, I was a pinsetter at an Amish bowling alley. But for now it’s all over and it’s back to escort services and massage parlors for me while I pretend to get the help I don’t want.   Read the rest of this entry »