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Posts Tagged ‘hardiman’

Hardiman Just Doesn’t Understand Women

  • Until recently he thought Angina was a heart ailment only women suffered from

 

  • Until recently he thought a Vulva was a very safe Swedish car.

 

  • Until recently he thought a Menstrual Cycle was something schoolgirls rode from period to period

 

  • Until recently he thought a Clitoral Hood was a place where very sensitive people hung out

 

  • Until recently he thought Labia Minora and Labia Majora were constellations

 

  • Until recently he thought the Ozone was a very sensitive spot on a woman. The O-zone.

 

  • Until recently he discovered people were actually saying “At your service ma’am.” when all along he thought they were saying “At your cervix ma’am.”

 

  • Until recently he thought Hymen was a greeting you might say to a bunch of workmen you’re walking by

 

  • Until recently he thought Urethra was the first name of the Queen of Soul. Urethra Franklin

 

  • Until recently he thought FallopianTube was a video-sharing service for women

 

  • Until recently he thought a Tipped Uterus was a gratuity given to a womb that provided really great cervix. “Thank you for your cervix ma’am.”

 

  • Until recently he thought Clitoris was a breath freshening chewing gum. Wrong. It was Clorets. The guy must be suffering from Cloret’s Syndrome.

 

  • Until recently he thought Estrogen was a citizen of Estrogenia

 

  • Until recently he thought a Hysterectomy was when you removed the laugh track from a sitcom

 

  • Until recently he thought an Ovary was that little accent mark atop the letter é. An over é. 

 

I’m not convinced Mr. Hardiman is even trying to clarify these misapprehensions. Sometimes I think he just pays them lip service. Meanwhile, for some reason, he refuses to eat at any Black Angus restaurant.

 

Survey Monkey Presents: The David Hardiman Survey/Questionnaire

The swirling mass of localized consciousness known as David Hardiman has enlisted us (Survey Monkey) to gather actionable intelligence so he may improve both the character of his being and the content of his platform. He believes your participation in this survey will, “enable me to rebrand my retail presence so my legion of followers might possess a deeper understanding of the universe I inhabit.”

What’s the hold up?
Hardiman making like Atlas and supporting the world (at least his little corner of it) in his own way.

Yeah, it’s obvious – the man could use some humanizing. By responding to this survey, you’re helping Mr. Hardiman humanize his aloof demeanor and weaponize his killer humor. Having turned 60 recently he now recognizes mortality as something that applies to him – and not just his “legion of followers.” Motivated by the preciousness of time and the majesty of love, he has grown vitally interested in the take-aways from this survey; before he’s taken away from all he surveys.

 

So please take a moment to help us do what many believe is impossible: to improve the David Hardiman brand. David Hardiman (herein referred to as “DH”) aspires to provide a better DH experience with more pertinent content featuring a greater sensitivity to the needs of all 3 of his followers. So whether you enjoy the Thin or Ultra-Thin version of DH, you are invited heartily to complete this carefully constructed survey designed to foster his self-discovery. 

 

This Survey/Questionnaire should take about 6 minutes, but it goes by like 40. By agreeing to participate in this survey, you are certifying that you are not a robot. But if you are a robot and have gotten this far, maybe your intelligence isn’t so artificial after all. If, however, you’re unsure of your android identity, just pick one of the choices in LGBTQ?R2D2 and get on with it.

Please Note: Creditors, family and urologists of DH are ineligible to participate without the expressed written consent of the CHUBB Group – which is ironic because DH is so thin.

 

The DH Survey/Questionnaire

  1. Based on your experiences with him so far, would you recommend DH to a friend? 
  2. In the unlikely loss of cabin pressure, did you know it’s your duty to help DH on with his mask first, before you even think about putting on yours?
  3. (Cannibals Only) If you were preparing a stew containing DH, would you remove his fat cap and silver skin, or leave them on for flavor? Do you even realize he’s so thin he doesn’t have a fat cap?
  4. Did you know that because DH expects the worse, he suffers from PTSD – Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
  5. How would you feel if you discovered DH shaved with Occam’s Razor?
    1. Fine, because it is the most logical conclusion based on the facts.
    2. A man’s shaving is his business.
    3. WTF is Occam’s Razor?
  6. Did you know DH does not wear cologne? Why? – because he smells so good.
  7. Did you know DH can sense a flower shop 100 yards away? Why? – Also because he smells so good.
  8. On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you think DH weighs? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 or 10? It’s a very peculiar scale.
  9. Oddly enough, did you know that DH’s favorite time of day is also 1 to 10 (aka 9:59)?
  10. In the unlikely event of an unscheduled water landing, did you know that DH may use any passenger as a flotation device?
  11. Which word best describe him: Missionary, Cheugy, Atwitter, Fluoridated?
  12. When pondering a vital life decision, do you find yourself asking WWDHD?
  13. Finish this sentence. “DH has…
    1. …an actual banana in his pants just in case he’s not especially happy to see a particular person, and that person asks him “Are you happy to see me or is that a banana in your pants?” In this way he can produce the banana and honestly say, “I’m not especially happy to see you and yes, I do have a banana in my pants.”
    2. …joined the Mile High Club – while soloing.
    3. …eaten the rind of an orange and found it a peeling.
    4. …a special toupee he wears, but not on his head.
    5. …been called a complicated man – like Shaft. John Shaft. Can you dig it?
  14. Do you spend an unhealthy amount of time imagining what DH would look like in your ceiling mirror?
  15. How likely is it that life is a box of Cracker Jack and DH is the prize?
    1. Very Likely
    2. And yes, they still make Cracker Jack?
  16. Did you know that because DH suffers from Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder, he travels with Arnie, his calming service aardvark?
  17. Is it part of an Intelligent Design that when doing a Google search for God, DH’s picture appears regularly?  
  18. If some of the options on a corporate phone tree had changed, would your fist thought be, “I wonder how this might affect DH?”  
  19. What 3 attributes of DH do you find most appealing. His…
    1. Invincibility
    2. Immunity to Body Shaming
    3. Susceptibility to Body Praising
    4. Opposable thumbs
    5. Opposable kidneys
    6. Disposable diapers
    7. Self-waxing thighs
    8. Ability to blink in unison
    9. Recognition of Hank Aaron as the true home run king
    10. Peculiarity as the only person on the face of the Earth who showers before entering a public pool.
  20. If you experienced shortness of breath how likely would it be you’d call DH instead of 911?
  21. If you experienced longness of breath how likely would it be you’d call DH instead of the Guinness Book of World Records?
  22. Do you include “I’m Facebook friends with DH” on your resume?
  23. How strongly do you agree with this statement: It was important for global cohesion that the CDC allowed DH to jump the line and get his COVID shot prior to everyone?
    1. Very Strongly
    2. Why are you asking such an obvious question
    3. I was told there wouldn’t be math
  24. Is DH an original thinker or does he repeat himself?
    1. Yes, he repeats himself
    2. Yes, he repeats himself
    3. Yes, he repeats himself
  25. Which is preferable: referring to DH as Dear Leader or simply the All Being?
  26. How strongly do you support the following statement: The entire exit row of an airplane shall be reserved for DH – even if he’s not on the plane. 
    1. Strongly Support
    2. Strongly Support
    3. Yes, he repeats himself
  27. Did you know that DH is researching whether a couple has ever had sex in outer space (aka geosynchronous humping)? Nothing definitive yet, but he has pretty much ruled-out any hanky-panky on the Apollo missions, gruffly concluding “Nah, those guys dug chicks.”
  28. How strongly do you agree with this statement? If I was in Hospice care and DH needed my morphine drip, I’d be happy to take an aspirin instead.
    1. Agree strongly
    2. I’m too zonked-out on morphine to care 
    3. Calgon take me away
  29. Let it be Known: You do recognize your duty to keep silent if DH were to steal your catalytic convertor and sell it on the Black Market.
  30. Let it be Known: It is important to understand that what drives DH is that he was once shown a vision of what he’d look like if he never brushed his teeth.
  31. Let It Be Known: DH believes that when someone says, “myocardial infarction” – they’re swearing?
  32. Let it Be Known: If DH thinks he’s being clever, you must do all you can to perpetuate his illusion and support him. Even if he’s not on your plane, or Pre-Traumatically Stressed or with his service aardvark Arnie, or even with Jiminy – his new rescue cricket.
  33. Let it be Known: DH believes STDs can be transmitted over the phone.  

(40 minutes later) Well 6 your minutes are up.

Thank you for investing in America’s future by investing your time in our Dear Leader, DH.  An appreciative note will be sent to you Shortly. And yes, I’ll stop calling you Shortly, unless of course for some reason your name really is Shortly. But Shirley no one is named Shortly. This is all short of true. Well short of.

 

 

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