Archive for May, 2018

No Joke: This is Lapland’s Coat of Arms. Why he’s almost naked is beyond comprehension as is the cold up here in “The Land that Heat Forgot.”

Hallå, my name is Dàvvet Østend and I live in Lapland – the frozenest place on earth. Actually “live” might not be the operative word to describe existence here. “Survive” might be a better word. Lapland is an icy and forbidding landscape located on the fringes of Scandinavia, well north of the Arctic Circle, where nothing should be located except imaginary lines and Norse mythologies. Lapland is not a God forsaken land. It’s just a forsaken land – God doesn’t even bother with us. Neither does Google. They won’t even map us. Then again, aren’t God and Google really the same thing, except Google knows more about you than God does?  

Lost in Frost

Growing up here in “the land that heat forgot” my body temperature never rose above 95°. Hypothermia was the norm and 95° was the new 98.6°. I lamented the depths of my frozen plight to wise old Uncle Anders. And this esteemed tribal elder bestowed upon me his Nordic wisdom, born of years of frigid deprivation: “You see Dàvvet, up here in Lapland, we’re all just in between bowel movements. No more, no less.” As I slowly backed away from my dear old uncle I realized that the constant cold had left both his philosophies and his potatoes half-baked. Read the rest of this entry »

1. 

   Costco: A bulwark against consumer timidity. You know you love us.

   Whirlpool Water Hardener: Who wants soft water when these days you need all the minerals you can get. So what if your hair is always sudsy.

2. An actual size Map of the United States in 1:1 scale. A must when 100% accuracy is required. Folds neatly and fits into most any airplane hangar. Also comes in a thin sponge version you can soak in water to expand.
3. 12-pak Brunswick Bowling Balls: Makes a great stocking stuffer…if your stocking is made of tungsten-carbide chainmail. Possibly the last bowling ball 12-pak you’ll ever buy…and probably the only one too.
4. 5 gallon drum Visine Eye Drops: Comes with matching eye-drop cozy. “Visine. It gets the Red out.” Very popular in the dispensary community.
5. $500,000 Applebee’s gift card for $499,900 – a $100 savings! Note: Card expires 3 months after purchase.
6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plutonium: Try our trendy new Plutonium substitute and you won’t be able to tell the difference either. Comes with a lead codpiece.
7. Fresh from our in-store bakery: Above ground pool-sized Apple Pie. This economical deep dish pie comes in 1, 2 and 3 foot depths.
8. Drive-thru Artificial Insemination. Choose from a variety of heirloom quality baby batters. Complimentary turkey baster is yours to keep. Returns not allowed on this product.
9. 42 gallon barrel of Embalming Fluid. Don’t be caught short this season.
10. Gucci Shoe Lifts: Don’t be caught short.
11. Guccione’s Penis Elongater: Don’t be caught short.
12. Black & Decker’s Burglary Tools for Dwarfs: Don’t be caught short.
13. Hane’s Long Johns: Don’t be caught short.
14. Don’t Be Caught Short: A fun new board game from Milton Bradley.
15. 35 lb. lifetime supply of Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast. It’s dry and active – like an Alcoholics Anonymous member who exercises regularly.
16. Drive-thru Cremation for Pets. Pet must “no longer be with us.” Use your Frequent Cremators Card and get the 3^rd pet incinerated for free. Your choice of cinder granulation: Smooth or Crunchy. Tupperware Urn included.
17. Lifetime supply of Flintstone Vitamins. Note: This is a lifetime supply if your life were to end in 60 days.
18. Bariatric Surgery. Must weigh at least 450 lbs. naked, however clothing is greatly preferred.
19. Kirkland’s 13-foot Sub for $1.50. A highly versatile sandwich. You can eat it or operate the sub underwater.
20. Assisted Suicide Kit. Possibly the last assisted suicide kit you’ll ever have to buy. For obvious reasons, financing is not available. Guaranteed results otherwise we send over a guy named Vinnie to finish the job.
21. Book: TSA Frisking for Dummies. Frisk anyone without offending them. Or, if they want to be offended, learn that too. You’ll start by frisking yourself, then your pets and eventually you’ll graduate to the Air Fargo Passenger Hangar in North Dakota.
22. 88 lb. family-sized Wetzel Pretzel. This novelty pretzel comes with 6 lbs. of yellow mustard and a pretzel dolly for transport.
23. Give your kidneys a break with a Hasbro’s Personal Dialysis Your kidneys work hard 24/7. Why not giv’em a little vacation and let someone else do the blood filtering. Comes in regular or menthol for those who prefer minty fresh hemoglobin. May bundle with Mattel’s Go Anywhere Ventilator^© for even greater savings. Why should you have to do all the breathing all the time?
24. 45-pak Gillette Moustache Combs. These handy little combs can be used in grooming any number of bodily areas featuring short curly hair.
25. Space Tourism at down to earth prices. For $1,000,000 reserve a seat on an Elon Musk Space-X Rocket that takes you to the moon and back. Experience weightlessness while dining on Gordon Ramsey’s out-of-this-world cuisine. Note: $25 surcharge per bag (even when it’s weightless). May upgrade to a full space suit instead of just breathing from the little margarine cup mask that drops down once you leave earth’s orbit. Kosher meals available. Must be able to pass a zero-gravity bathroom activity test.
26. One metric ton Chex Party Mix. It’s the last metric ton of snacks you’ll ever have to buy – and probably the only one too. Great for bomb shelters and other apocalyptic living spaces.
27. Pallet of Trident Chewing Gum forklifted directly from our warehouse to your garage. Make great stocking stuffers…if for some reason you have to stuff 48 million stockings.

1. 

   Bumper sticker seen at a Renaissance Faire.

   Make Sparta Great Again!

2. You Have to Admit, Vlad the Impaler does make some good points
3. Pyramids are for Squares
4. Serf Lives Matter
5. Sodom is for Lovers
6. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults
7. It’s all Olaf’s Fault
8. Eating Rotten Apples Contributes to Global Worming
9. I got my rocks off at Stonehenge
10. My other wagon is a Cadillac
11. OK Renaissance…we’re waiting.
12. Enough with the spices already. Maybe we could spend less than 95% of our GDP in the search for seasonings and invest a little in sewage control.
13. DaVinci Fondled Me. #Et tu Leonardo
14. Question Charlemagne
15. Robin Hood is a Socialist Income Redistributor
16. Galileo thinks He’s the center of the universe
17. I visited BarbarianLand. The happiest place on God’s flat Earth.
18. I got debauched at Pirates of the Mediterranean.
19. All We Are Say-ing, Is Give Huns a Chance
20. If blunderbusses are outlawed, only outlaws will have blunderbusses
21. I never sleep alone…thanks to my bedbugs
22. May your fireplace always be sooty and your stool forever compacted
23. Make Soap, Not War
24. We really need the soap, what with all the soot and everything
25. Occupy King John! You try eating turnips 11½ months out of the year. No more tubers…Magna Carta now!!!
26. Occupy Valhalla! It’s almost 1063 and to date only a total of 3 Vikings have had any fun at all. Being Norse sucks.
27. The Plague is Gods Way of Punishing Free Thinkers
28. Does the concept of “germs” mean anything to you Neanderthals?
29. If blow darts are outlawed, only outlaws will have blow darts
30. Pat Paulsen for President
31. A heavier than air machine? It’ll never fly.
32. Queen Elizabeth the 1^st is a Royal pain in the arse
33. Guillotine has lost his head
34. When it says Libbys Libbys Libbys on the label, label, label, you will like it, like it, like it on the table, table, table.