Archive for July, 2023

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News of the Universe is a weekly digest of newsworthy events materializing in the entirety of our Cosmos. It is published by the Powers that Be – a subsidiary of the Almighty. News of the Universe has been covering everything in God’s creation since before the Big Bang. Yes, they’ve been reporting ever since that lesser publicized, but very enabling Little Bang got the whole singularity expanding in the year 3000 BBB (Before the Big Bang).

 

As one might expect, News of the Universe (NOTU) is a star-studded publication with a stellar reputation and an astronomical reach to its far flung, extra-terrestrial audience. It’s available everywhere except on Rigel-7, where Wi-Fi is spotty owing to disruptions in the space-time continuum courtesy of renegade Black Holes that simply refuse to play by the settled laws of physics. News of the Universe is a decorated periodical that has won a Parsec Pulitzer Prize for blowing the lid off unseen, hypothetical matter and exposing the truth about this invisible material in their spotlight series Dark Matter Matters.

 

The following article is the second most popular article from this week’s publication with over 38 X 10⁶⁵ hits. In case you were wondering, the most popular and ogled section was the Alien Illustrated Swimsuit issue. 

 

From News of the Universe May 4th 2023:

 

 

Miracle in the Milky Way

 

~ Billions of Humans Found Alive on Planet Earth! ~

The planet earth, previously believed to be incinerated in the Milky Way’s supernova of 1054, has been found intact and teeming with 8 billion so-called humans, living unsupervised in something they call a “society.” The cosmic hierarchy was stunned to find these orphaned children of God mostly healthy and seemingly insensible to their predicament. The rediscovery was made quite by accident when heavenly accountant Coopers & Lybrand’s was performing their annual inventory of the 2 trillion galaxies for the Almighty. Read the rest of this entry »

Very Sensitive Viewers.

Very, Very, Very Sensitive Viewers.

While practicing good manners and respectful behaviors have their proper place in a high-functioning society, some have grown hypersensitive to mild offenses or perceived slights. These overly empathetic souls have little tolerance for coarse behaviors. Full disclosure: While I consider myself woke, I’m also very groggy.

 

Whether this inability of certain people to take things in stride is set at the factory or is a learned disposition I’ll leave to the sociologists. Suffice to say, that for whatever reason, many individuals take umbrage at the gentlest of affronts. Rather than us being outraged by their uber compassion or misguided benevolence, I say we pack them in cotton and coddle them further. And it’s with this faulty premise in mind I’ve taken the time to highlight some coarse content in movies these souls might find concerning or want to avoid altogether.

 

 

Shows that May Depict Scenes that are Inappropriate for Uber Sensitive Audiences 

The following shows may contain content that an overly sensitive viewer might consider offensive. And they may want to avoid such brazenly boorish behaviors so as to not disturb their delicate disposition:

 

1. The documentary A History of Stringed Instruments: Sensitive viewers should be forewarned there’s a lot of gratuitous violins in it. Some say too much violins at the expense of the cellos. I don’t mean to harp on this and I’m not a lyre, but you could save some lute by going to another movie.
2. Be advised French director François Truffaut’s Fahrenheit 451 (the temperature at which paper ignites) features moldy cheese (Roquefort), women with unshaven armpits and many French words spoken in a heavy French accent. It is recommended you should avoid this movie if you are either lactose intolerant, pit averse or just plain Francophobic. And don’t be fooled; the European title of Fahrenheit 451 is Celsius 232.8
3. Nudity Warning: In Matt Damon’s We Bought a Zoo, many, if not all of the animals appear completely naked and walk around just like it’s nothing
4. Rapacious Consumption Alert: In Jurassic Park, some of the park’s visitors walking in the background (extras) are believed to have eaten fish that were caught unsustainably. If you can’t stomach people who’ve eaten non-farmed fish it is best to avoid this movie.
5. Noxious Nicotine Potential could leave you fuming: In Sophie’s Choice, in a scene where Meryl Streep must make a momentous decision, a pack of unfiltered cigarettes (Gitanes) can clearly be seen on a table, as if to condone, if not promote its addictively lethal vapors
6. Cautionary Tail: In Lassie Comes Home, the titular canine wags her tail in a highly suggestive manner, possibly indicating Timmy fell down the well, or maybe that Timmy is outback of the bunkhouse swilling moonshine with Betsy.
7. In Jack Ass 8 there’s an abundance of Full-Frontal Idiocy. It’s so in your face.
8. Scandalously Titillating Topography: In David Attenborough’s Our Planet, in a segment on Australia’s Koala bear, a mountain in the background appears to suggest naked female hips, causing a modest person to wonder why she’s not wearing panties Down Under.
9. Clever Coarse Language Alert: Cover your ears from the profane. In the documentary The Construction of the Empire State Building, the word “erection” is used in congratulatory reference to the newly constructed building: “Your company has managed a truly marvelous erection that shall stand for a thousand years.”
10. Avert Your Eyes if Able Warning: In the TED talk Dentistry in Estonia, you’ll be aghast as you witness the presenter with an errant piece of spinach covering almost 2 of his incisors.
11. Mile-High Misogynist Club Warning: In Top Gun, while playing pool, a cocky, gum-chewing pilot indirectly comments on his appreciation of a nearby woman’s buttocks. Is there no shame?
12. Geriatric Sorrow Alert: In the movie Cocoon, several arthritic women attempt to open a jar of pickles to no avail. Viewers will feel their pain when the seniors are forced to eat their sandwiches pickleless.

Stonehenge, the most overbuilt monument to ancient calendaring ever created, would’ve been one of the Seven Wonders of the World if its boosters had only been a bit more spirited. Instead, their efforts flagged and the richly deserving, colossal chronometer landed at #8. It was squeezed out of the coveted 7 spot by the underwhelming and easily curated Hanging Gardens of Babylon. It hardly seems fair.

 

In 800 BC, Mesopotamia wasn’t so much a nanny state as it was a nursery state. This trifling Wonder of forced landscaping was really nothing more than Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar II ordering his duty-bound subjects to dangle floral greenery from public buildings like so much Banksy graffiti. Then they all genuflected in dutiful awe at the Royal Gardener’s 40,000 drooping spider plants. “Our King has the greenest thumb in all of the Fertile Crescent.” they crowed in mandatory praise. Big Deal I say. Growing thousands of house plants on patios in warm weather is no Wonder.

 

Compare this leisurely horticultural jamboree to the triumphant feat of the underfed and overburdened Druids. They built a massive sun-earth clock by heroically hefting 25-tonne stones in a precise geometric configuration that is still accurate today. Yet as great as Stonehenge’s celestial clock is (and don’t tell the Druids this), I hear it’s about 10 minutes fast. But still, they accomplished this zodiacal timekeeping in 2500 BC, using only rudimentary tools and without any Claritin to be had in all of the shires. They withstood such hardships with stoic grace and drippy noses. And in the end, nobody wanted to vote for the achievement of a bunch of snot-nosed hooded pagans. Instead, the 1878 Seven Wonders Committee chose Middle Eastern couscous over Middle England’s mucous.

 

Stonehenge’s exclusion seemed preordained owing to the clout of the 19^th century Nursery Lobby (you can’t make this stuff up – although I am). Stonehenge’s supporters were few and feeble – just some Quarrymen from Liverpool who threw their inconsiderable weight behind Stonehenge. Plus, their marketing pitch was less than stellar: Visit Stonehenge: The Gloomiest Place on Earth.  Because of marketing blunders like these on the part of Stonehenge’s boosters, it’s no wonder it’s no Wonder. Read the rest of this entry »

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Except for BC, if someone knew when Christ was coming.

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The advent of Competitive Eating, where cuckoo contestants see how many hot dogs, pies or pancakes they can cram into their gizzards, has ushered in a new era of other dubious sporting events; usually sponsored by greedily aligned corporations and gaudily presented by ESPN 16 – a channel reserved for just such idiocy. I’ve taken the liberty of curating them for you and offer the following list of these supposed sports:

 

1. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – Chowboy Joey Chestnut won his 16^th hot dog eating championship despite suffering from pink eye. It had no effect on his performance, promoters just wanted to add drama to Mr. Chestnut’s insane scarfing of 76 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes (true). In this one contest, nutritionist believe he consumed the equivalent of a 4-lifetime supply of animal lips. Sponsored by Nathan’s Hot Dogs.
2. Naked and Catheterized – Naked contestants must conquer Mt. Kilimanjaro while holding their urine bag. First to the top is treated to all the hot dogs they can eat…in 10 minutes. If you like this sport, urine luck. I meant to say, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
3. Rolling in Attic Insulation – Sure it itches, but contestants can make 10 American dollars a day by sleeping in Johns-Manville’s prickly, pink insulation – if they can make it to 10 days. This sport may contribute to Pink Eye, as well as pink every place else.
4. Paula Deen’s Fried Cakes Murder Mystery “A Who-Donut!” – Contestants have to find who’s been killing all the donuts on her plantation. Whoever unmasks the evil dough-nutter is released from involuntary servitude. Sponsored by Hostess Indentured Services.
5. Solitaire Lollapalooza – All solitaire games are played by yourself in isolated and remote Zoom meetings. Most avatars are Eleanor Rigby, Henry David Thoreau or a Black Dog. The winner is shunned worse than an Amish heretic. Sponsored by Zoloft.
6. How Bald Can My Tires Get? – Car owners see if they can drive on just the steel belts. Sponsored by Rogaine.
7. Sentenced to the Crawl Space – Disturbed contestants see how long they can go over to the dark side in a creepy subterranean crypt of silverfish, spiders and scorpions. Sponsored by no one. Larry David says it’s, “Not a thing. And will never be a thing.”
8. How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet – Shouldn’t be “a thing” but it is. Homeowners risk the dreaded overflow, in a race to unseat their neighbors. Sponsored by Hoover Wet/Dry Vacuums.
9. I Can Eat Just Oatmeal for 2 Weeks – Open only to those who, on the advice of their physician, are complete idiots. It’s a rough sport. In fact, it’s the roughage of sports. Not recommended for people competing in How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet. Sponsored by Quaker Groats.
10. Eating Food 2 Months After Its Expiration Date – Lots of Risk with absolutely no Reward. Sponsored by the movie Jack-Ass 8.
11. How Much Salt Water Can I Drink Before My Kidneys Fail – Good to know in case you’re ever shipwrecked. Sponsored by Dialysis Solutions.
12. Let’s Become Siamese Twins – “Volunteers” gather at a safe, public space then are herded into vans and taken to a secondary location where they submit to being conjoined with people who lost on Paula Deen’s Fried Cake Murder Mysteries “A Who-Donut!” Sponsored by the movie Twins II.

Everyone thought this batch of newly birthed jokes were unrelated – orphaned one-offs tossed out into the jokesphere by any number of anonymous quipsters. However, through forensic jokenetic testing, 23 and Me proved beyond a cackle of doubt that all these jolly jests had a common ancestor – me. Each quip had my unique comedic markers: too clever for their own good, amusing without being actually funny and mildly offensive without being redeeming.

 

I was initially chagrined by the charges brought in the Joketernity suit. And I vowed with insincere legalistic platitudes to “Vigorously defend my innocence and show that blah, blah, blah…” But now, having read the outstanding material contained in the suit, all I can say is…guilty as charged. I accept 23 and Me’s ironclad verdict. And since I am a responsible comedy writer, I’ll raise them as my own and pay joke support for each and every gag my fertile mind conceived. I don’t want these orphaned witticisms growing-up out on the streets, hustling for cheap laughs or getting enticed into a van by an evil jokenapper and being taken to a secondary location for hours of meaningless canned laughter.

 

As part of a joke-bargaining agreement I reached with the Court Jester, the court sentenced me to the opposite of a Gag Order. I was issued a Publicize Order, so my offspring jokes would see the light of day and be broadcast to as many people as possible. I’ve consented to take my offspring out on visitation days and expose them to a polite and chuckling society. In keeping with the spirit of this sentence I herewith, forthwith, and with withering wherewithal present my witticisms to the world.

 

Like a vegetarian mathematician, may these jokes be fruitful and multiply:

 

These are All My Children

 

The Lambshank Redemption

 

Lambshank Prison: Prison dieticians who fed prisoners shredded coconut found their recidivism rate no different from prisoners who were fed slivered almonds; thus concluding, “They’re both kinda nuts.” Read the rest of this entry »