Archive for May, 2024

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1. Remembering your first kiss. So what if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
2. The caramelized golden crusted corners of macaroni & cheese. Amirite?
3. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for that fraidy cat “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
4. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
5. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
6. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer franchises.
7. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes episode. Alright watching back-to-back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. I’ll admit it. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.

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We take a break for an 8-second uplifting chant: Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmm, Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm
and Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm

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8. After a shower, slickin’ back my hair and rockin’ the white man’s overbite while playing nude air guitar in the bathroom mirror. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
9. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
10. Costco: $5 for a whole cooked chicken, $1.50 for a 2 ft long hot dog and enough free samples to qualify as lunch
11. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low. Oh yeah.
12. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman costume. I know I’m not alone in that one.
13. Seeing Kevin Hart in a onesie. I’m sure I am alone on this one
14. Seeing the invisible man…at all
15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of Hollywood understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and presenter Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then BOOM! You realize…My God, she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.

Auuuuuuuuummmmm

1. Sophocles – A great Greek playwright
2. Testicles (rhymes with Sophocles) – A not-so-great maker of sacs

 

1. Pythagoras – A great mathematician and discoverer of a²+ b² = c²
2. Esophagus – This one may be a tough one to swallow, but he was a not-so-great chef.

 

1. Zorba the Greek – Broke plates and partied like it was 1999 BC
2. Zorba the Freak – Ate plates and partied like it was Y2K BC

 

1. Archimedes – Another great mathematician. Archimedes was so screwed.
2. Diabetes – He and his brother Pancreas were always slipping into not-so-great comas

 

1. Odysseus – Great Greek king and warrior of the Trojan War
2. Peristalsis – A not-so-great Greek. You may find this hard to digest, but Peristalsis was the mortal enemy of Vomitus.

 

1. Prometheus – A great Greek who brought fire into the world
2. Bursitis – A not-so-great Greek who brought rheumatism into the world  

 

1. Herodotus – A great Greek historian. Herodotus wrote in exquisite detail about the Persian wars.
2. Platypus – A duck-billed Athenian. Always in debt. He’d say. “Just put it on my bill.’
3. Platypussy – Platypus’s wife. Also known as Connie.

 

1. Anthony Quinn – He wasn’t even Greek although he starred in Zorba the Greek
2. Annette Funicello – I don’t even know what she’s doing in this list.

 

1. Moussaka – A great Greek dish of layered eggplant, ground beef and potatoes
2. Moose-saka – Same dish but with antlers. Not-so-great.
3. Meese-saka – More than one Moose-saka