Author Archive

1. Marcel Tourette…The F-Bomber
2. Picasso…Artie
3. Jesus Christ…L’il Lord Jay-C
4. Pope John Paul II…Ringo
5. Prince…</}_{\>
6. Joe Biden…Joe Biden
7. Tuesday Weld…Ash Wednesday
8. Rock Hudson…Gaylord
9. Andy Warhol…Whitey (but only for 15 minutes)
10. Queen Elizabeth II…Cuddles
11. Calvin Lindbergh (Charles Lindbergh’s younger, less successful brother)…Unlucky Lindy
12. Cherilyn Sarkisian…Cher (This is the only true nickname listed)
13. Hitler…Herr Trigger
14. Geronimo…Sitting Bull
15. Sitting Bull…Geronimo

The swirling mass of localized consciousness known as David Hardiman has enlisted us (Survey Monkey) to gather actionable intelligence so he may improve both the character of his being and the content of his platform. He believes your participation in this survey will, “enable me to rebrand my retail presence so my legion of followers might possess a deeper understanding of the universe I inhabit.”

Yeah, it’s obvious – the man could use some humanizing. By responding to this survey, you’re helping Mr. Hardiman humanize his aloof demeanor and weaponize his killer humor. Having turned 60 recently he now recognizes mortality as something that applies to him – and not just his “legion of followers.” Motivated by the preciousness of time and the majesty of love, he has grown vitally interested in the take-aways from this survey; before he’s taken away from all he surveys.

 

So please take a moment to help us do what many believe is impossible: to improve the David Hardiman brand. David Hardiman (herein referred to as “DH”) aspires to provide a better DH experience with more pertinent content featuring a greater sensitivity to the needs of all 3 of his followers. So whether you enjoy the Thin or Ultra-Thin version of DH, you are invited heartily to complete this carefully constructed survey designed to foster his self-discovery. 

 

This Survey/Questionnaire should take about 6 minutes, but it goes by like 40. By agreeing to participate in this survey, you are certifying that you are not a robot. But if you are a robot and have gotten this far, maybe your intelligence isn’t so artificial after all. If, however, you’re unsure of your android identity, just pick one of the choices in LGBTQ?R2D2 and get on with it.

Please Note: Creditors, family and urologists of DH are ineligible to participate without the expressed written consent of the CHUBB Group – which is ironic because DH is so thin.

 

The DH Survey/Questionnaire

1. Based on your experiences with him so far, would you recommend DH to a friend? 
2. In the unlikely loss of cabin pressure, did you know it’s your duty to help DH on with his mask first, before you even think about putting on yours?
3. (Cannibals Only) If you were preparing a stew containing DH, would you remove his fat cap and silver skin, or leave them on for flavor? Do you even realize he’s so thin he doesn’t have a fat cap?
4. Did you know that because DH expects the worse, he suffers from PTSD – Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
5. How would you feel if you discovered DH shaved with Occam’s Razor?
   1. Fine, because it is the most logical conclusion based on the facts.
   2. A man’s shaving is his business.
   3. WTF is Occam’s Razor?
6. Did you know DH does not wear cologne? Why? – because he smells so good.
7. Did you know DH can sense a flower shop 100 yards away? Why? – Also because he smells so good.
8. On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you think DH weighs? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 or 10? It’s a very peculiar scale.
9. Oddly enough, did you know that DH’s favorite time of day is also 1 to 10 (aka 9:59)?
10. In the unlikely event of an unscheduled water landing, did you know that DH may use any passenger as a flotation device?
11. Which word best describe him: Missionary, Cheugy, Atwitter, Fluoridated?
12. When pondering a vital life decision, do you find yourself asking WWDHD?
13. Finish this sentence. “DH has…
    1. …an actual banana in his pants just in case he’s not especially happy to see a particular person, and that person asks him “Are you happy to see me or is that a banana in your pants?” In this way he can produce the banana and honestly say, “I’m not especially happy to see you and yes, I do have a banana in my pants.”
    2. …joined the Mile High Club – while soloing.
    3. …eaten the rind of an orange and found it a peeling.
    4. …a special toupee he wears, but not on his head.
    5. …been called a complicated man – like Shaft. John Shaft. Can you dig it?
14. Do you spend an unhealthy amount of time imagining what DH would look like in your ceiling mirror?
15. How likely is it that life is a box of Cracker Jack and DH is the prize?
    1. Very Likely
    2. And yes, they still make Cracker Jack?
16. Did you know that because DH suffers from Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder, he travels with Arnie, his calming service aardvark?
17. Is it part of an Intelligent Design that when doing a Google search for God, DH’s picture appears regularly?  
18. If some of the options on a corporate phone tree had changed, would your fist thought be, “I wonder how this might affect DH?”  
19. What 3 attributes of DH do you find most appealing. His…
    1. Invincibility
    2. Immunity to Body Shaming
    3. Susceptibility to Body Praising
    4. Opposable thumbs
    5. Opposable kidneys
    6. Disposable diapers
    7. Self-waxing thighs
    8. Ability to blink in unison
    9. Recognition of Hank Aaron as the true home run king
    10. Peculiarity as the only person on the face of the Earth who showers before entering a public pool.
20. If you experienced shortness of breath how likely would it be you’d call DH instead of 911?
21. If you experienced longness of breath how likely would it be you’d call DH instead of the Guinness Book of World Records?
22. Do you include “I’m Facebook friends with DH” on your resume?
23. How strongly do you agree with this statement: It was important for global cohesion that the CDC allowed DH to jump the line and get his COVID shot prior to everyone?
    1. Very Strongly
    2. Why are you asking such an obvious question
    3. I was told there wouldn’t be math
24. Is DH an original thinker or does he repeat himself?
    1. Yes, he repeats himself
    2. Yes, he repeats himself
    3. Yes, he repeats himself
25. Which is preferable: referring to DH as Dear Leader or simply the All Being?
26. How strongly do you support the following statement: The entire exit row of an airplane shall be reserved for DH – even if he’s not on the plane. 
    1. Strongly Support
    2. Strongly Support
    3. Yes, he repeats himself
27. Did you know that DH is researching whether a couple has ever had sex in outer space (aka geosynchronous humping)? Nothing definitive yet, but he has pretty much ruled-out any hanky-panky on the Apollo missions, gruffly concluding “Nah, those guys dug chicks.”
28. How strongly do you agree with this statement? If I was in Hospice care and DH needed my morphine drip, I’d be happy to take an aspirin instead.
    1. Agree strongly
    2. I’m too zonked-out on morphine to care 
    3. Calgon take me away
29. Let it be Known: You do recognize your duty to keep silent if DH were to steal your catalytic convertor and sell it on the Black Market.
30. Let it be Known: It is important to understand that what drives DH is that he was once shown a vision of what he’d look like if he never brushed his teeth.
31. Let It Be Known: DH believes that when someone says, “myocardial infarction” – they’re swearing?
32. Let it Be Known: If DH thinks he’s being clever, you must do all you can to perpetuate his illusion and support him. Even if he’s not on your plane, or Pre-Traumatically Stressed or with his service aardvark Arnie, or even with Jiminy – his new rescue cricket.
33. Let it be Known: DH believes STDs can be transmitted over the phone.  

(40 minutes later) Well 6 your minutes are up.

Thank you for investing in America’s future by investing your time in our Dear Leader, DH.  An appreciative note will be sent to you Shortly. And yes, I’ll stop calling you Shortly, unless of course for some reason your name really is Shortly. But Shirley no one is named Shortly. This is all short of true. Well short of.

 

 

This survey was powered by Survey Monkey.

Survey Monkey – We’re here when you absolutely want to pay a fortune for discovering something you already know. We’re kinda like religion that way, but much more expensive.

1. Karl: Call me sentimental, but I always carry some of my mother’s ashes with me.
    Hans: I thought you said your mother was still alive?
    Karl: Oh, she is.
2. Boy oh boy, my probation officer can really go through a roll of toilet paper.
3. Harold: Phil, what did you mean by I’d “look good in a halter top”?
     Phil: Let’s just forget I ever said that OK Harold?
4. George: Hey Calvin, I’m really sorry about your bathroom in the basement.
    Calvin: There is no bathroom in my basement.
5. It makes perfect sense that the Flemish are snotty. And if they can’t take a joke then phleg-m

Sponsored: Today I’m raisin awareness for National Dried Grape Day! Honor this day by purchasing some dried grapes or spending an hour in the bathtub.

Notes from the Self-congratulatory

1. Glenn Close lost for Best Supporting Actress. She was close though. She always is. After all, she is Glenn Close.
2. It was later revealed she declined a marriage proposal from Glen Campbell because she didn’t want to be known as Glenn Campbell.
3. The rudderless, host-less ceremony had former hosts Bob Hope, Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal spinning in their graves. And even though Billy Crystal is still alive, he was so offended he went out and bought a casket just so he could spin in sympathy with Hope and Carson.
4. WTPC (Way Too Politically Correct): If you looked closely you could see that all the Oscar statuettes were wearing little tiny masks
5. In what can only be recognized as the 2^nd sign of the apocalypse, the queen of cinema, Meryl Streep was neither nominated nor in attendance. Be worried. Be very worried.
6. Best Picture winner Nomadland surprised, but did not anger little children, who when asked their thoughts said, “Me surprised, but no mad.”
7. Maybe I’m getting old (alright I am getting old), but I didn’t know 90% of the attendees in the audience. I’ve never seen so many strangers on camera since they showed a crowd shot of the Super Bowl. Would large print name tags be so god awful?
8. Sir Anthony Hopkins, who won for Best Actor, was a no-show. Rumour (yes, the English spelling)…Rumour has it he was holed-up with Ms. Streep. Now I’m just in outright panic mode.
9. I propose next year’s show be more of an extravaganza hosted by the descendants of Hollywood mogul Louis B Mayer. That way it would be an Oscar-Mayer production. Hot Dog! Now I’m in picnic mode.

Archaeologists theorize that humans have been having sex since man began walking erect. The following is an analysis of the many flavors of sexual expression: 

1. Vanilla Sex – No known cure for this wildly popular and traditional flavor. Sex is a hunger that can only be satisfied temporarily, even though when it is satisfied, it feels like you’ll never be hungry for it again. Sexual archaeologists call this absurd choreography of human love, “the feelgood act of the last 200 million years.” As bad as things can get in this world, one can always point to sex and say, “Well, there it is in all its inexplicable ecstasy; and the beauty part is, it’s free (usually).
2. Cumin Sex – Cumin together is a rare and powerful moment
3. Pumpkin Spice Sex – Seasonal friskiness perfumed with the aroma of Autumnal Splendor. Available in Hallmark or Lifetime
4. Posh Spice Sex – It’s what David Beckham & Victoria Beckham enjoy
   

   Bend it like Beckham and maybe you’ll also wind up Posh. 

   4.5 Ginger Sex – Now that Marianne has left us one can still fantasize about Ginger

5. White Claw Sex – It hurt so good it made me spritz
6. Aural Sex – I’ve heard it’s good. Maybe a little earie, but good.
7. Consensual Sex – It’s how people in text books have sex
8. Heinz 57 Varieties Sex – Although variety is the spice of life, most people stop at #27 because they usually pull a muscle.
9. G-Rated Nerd’s Description of Post-Coital Sex – “My, my Rowena, that escalated and deescalated quickly”
10. Franken Sex – Not what you think, you monster. Franken Sex is when you have sex w/Al Franken
11. Love Potion #9 Sex Spell – A great hex for great sex
12. Nutmeg Sex – Happens if the partner is a nutty woman named Meg. Also true with Hazel.
13. Red Clover Sex – We suggest you try it repeatedly until it becomes Crimson and Clover, over and over.
14. Shamrock Shake Sex – So sweet and so satisfying, it leaves others green with envy and saying, “I rish” I had a Shamrock Shake.
15. Squishy, Squishy, Squishy – I don’t really know what I mean here, I just like to say, Squishy, Squishy, Squishy.

1. The Museum of Unionized Worker Bees – Feel all warm and fuzzy watching Worker Bees toil, knowing they’re earning a living wage and have weekends off. Testimonial: Sting says, “Hive visited it and the buzz is justified.”
2. The Museum of Onionized French Soup – If you think this museum is cheesy, you’re right. From age 6 to 12…I mean…Fromage 6 to 12 months old is used.
3. The Museum of Ants that are Aunts – Genealogical arthropod wranglers pair ant nieces and nephews with their ant aunts. This museum has more personality than North Korea. Carpenter ants say, “They nailed it.”
4. Museum of Monkey’s Uncles – Slated to close. Curator taken aback by surprise announcement saying, “Well I’ll be a Monkey’s Uncle.”
5. The Museum of 64 Year-old Vanna White’s 1987 Playboy Pictorial – This Museum is guaranteed to turn heads. Everything is done to the letter.
   

   If this picture bore some relation to the list, I might have something. As it is, I’m just an American Idle.

6. The Museum of How Jesus Christ Might Appear if He Were Alive Today – Spoiler Alert: It’s Bradley Cooper
7. The Museum of Subatomic Particles – Are they even trying here? It’s just an empty room. You’re told they’re all in there (muons, quarks, bosons). The docents just keep encouraging visitors to, “Squint really hard.” Highlights include random Dust Bunnies that frolic as haphazardly as Einstein’s hair.
8. The Museum of Tom Jones’ Concert-used, Sweat-stained Handkerchiefs – Straight from Caesar’s Palace to your museum’s refrigerated display cases. When Mr. Jones was asked if this arrangement was a bit peculiar, he emphatically replied, “It’s not unusual.”
9. The Museum of Torn Ticket stubs – Includes torn tickets from Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice concerts. In a ridiculously redundant practice, it even has torn ticket stubs from The Museum of Torn Ticket Stubs.
10. The Museum of Game Worn….I ran out of ideas on this one. Make up your own joke and get back to me.
11. The Museum of Discarded Starbucks Cups – They’re all there: Generic seasonal Holiday cups that all but cancel traditional Christmas, Pumpkin Spice cups that all but make us want to hang up and dial 911.
12. The Landfill Museum – Warning: Don’t be fooled. It’s not a museum. It’s really just the Truxton Landfill charging you money to come in and tramp around. It is said that the landfill’s owners are white trash. They call the accusation, “Garbage.” The entire enterprise stinks to high heaven.  
13. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Medical Advice – Listen to hours of recordings of businesses unrelated to health care, advise callers that “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.”
14. The Museum of Outtakes from the Audio Museum of businesses with nothing to do with health care saying, “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and put your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.”
15. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Phone Tree Navigation Advice – Listen to hours of recordings where businesses advise callers to “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.”
16. The Museum of Remembering to Love One Another…Consensually – And to remember: We’re all just visitors.

1. Vitamin B3.14 – This appetite-suppressing vitamin reduces the desire for pi
2. Vitamin B911 – This newly synthesized B-Complex memory-blocker, helps a person to live a normal life after accidentally seeing their grandmother naked.
   

   10 year-old boy after ingesting these newly discovered vitamins and minerals.

3. Vitamin Bat Sh*t – This Common Sense Logic-blocker allows the weak-willed to attach themselves to any number of discredited conspiracy theories and believe them as gospel. Vitamin Bat Sh*t is found in abundance in the South’s municipal water systems.
4. Xanthan Gum – Not a necessary nutrient. I just like to draw attention to words that begin with X, but are pronounced as “Z.” Do you copy what I’m saying? – Xerox. My son Xavier, who plays the xylophone, feels similarly. Note: Xanthan Gum is chewy. I’m sorry. I meant to say that Xanthan Gum is available at Chewy.
5. Plutonium – Scientists are unclear as to the function of this unstable, fissile element. The PAL (Plutonium Advisory League) recommends a daily nano-dash of this radioactive material to help build patchy hair and bulging goiters. Note: Plutonium supplements should only be taken with a glass of heavy water
6. Mother Marium – Not a significant source of solace. Studies show it may lessen the severity of hammertoe.
7. Copper – Also not a significant source of solace. In fact it’s really just a slang underworld term for a 1930s policeman.
8. VitaminD – Not Vitamin D, but VitaminD. This cerebral accelerator allows the consumer to see through walls and even meet their inner child. Note: May contain LSD. Note to the note: Probably is LSD. Note to the note to the note: Alright, it is LSD – now go and enjoy.
9. Vita Vini Vidi Vici – Allows unsophisticated rubes to sound like they know how to speak Latin
10. ItaminVa – Same a Vita Vini Vidi Vici, but with Pig Latin
11. Vitamin See – Promotes superior vision. Some anti-vaxxer types avoid it, but it prevents scurvy if you’re nervy.
12. Frolic Acid – Sister compound to Folic Acid. Frolic Acid is reported to make older couples friskier. In Mayberry, it was the go-to supplement for Aunt Bea whenever Mr. Whipple visited.
13. Iron-E – A placebo iron supplement contains neither Iron nor Vitamin E, hence the irony of Iron-E
14. Molybdenum – No known benefit for this rare earth element. I just like to celebrate a word that contains the consecutive letters l-y-b-d. It’s remarkable that those random consonants “l-y-b-d” could somehow be a connective bridge for an actual word. This alphabetic kink of mine is not unlike the Xanthan Gum “Z” thing in #3. My Holy Grail of alphabetic curiosities however, is to find a naturally occurring word that contains the consecutive letters L-G-B-T-Q. Maybe Molgbtqenum? – a rare gender-identity element. It is theorized that people with too much Molgbtqenum could impregnate a statue.       And you’re right – It’s not easy being me, but it is a whole lotta fun.
15. Love Beam – Get on it. Stay on it. Don’t look back. Duality may be gaining on you.

1. Ventriloquism for Dummies
2. Gas Stations and Restaurants: Are They Both Filling Stations?
3. “I’m Spending My Children’s Inheritance and They Don’t Even Know It.”
4. The Creepy Widow Who Spends Way too Much Time with Her Dog
5. Neanderthals in Our Midst: Dealing with People Who Say, “What I want to know is, why isn’t there a White History Month?”
6. Betty White’s “Let’s Keep it Clean Seniors”: The Joy of Sponge Baths, The Sorrow of Walk-in Bathtubs
   

   Farmer Dave says, “Plow thru these titles.”
   Erudite Dave says, “Plough through these titles.”

7. When I Pee Now, It Sounds Like Morse Code. Is that Bad? – Depends.
8. Psychology Today’s “Anger Management.” (Chapters Include):
   1. This is bullsh*t! I only agreed to Binding Arbitration if they decided in my favor.
   2. I Love the Disabled, But 38 Empty Handicapped Parking Spaces Next to the Costco’s Entrance Isn’t Helping Anybody
   3. I Hate Myself and It’s Your Fault
9. Marvel’s ElderHeroes: Tom Selleck and Joe Namath – Geriatric Overlords
10. Trolling for Dates at Butcher Shops: Are they meat markets or meet markets? Do you want your beef tender or Tinder?
11. Don’t Overthink It: When the alarm goes off, it’s just a morning wake-up call. Not a life-changing WAKE-UP call.
12. Coping with Coping Saws
13. I Just Know My Dog Thinks I’m Fat: What to do when Fido gets all judgey
14. Model Homes Mischief. (Chapters include):
    1. Tour with a “partner” and become a member of the Walk-in Closet, Mile High Club.
    2. Unbolt the Master Bath Toilet Lid and Toss in a Couple of unwrapped Baby Ruths
    3. Tape a body outline on the laundry room linoleum floor. Add yellow “crime scene” tape and ketchup for a ghoulish flourish.
15. Coming to Terms with the Q in LGBTQ. (Chapters include):
    1. What to do when your 8-year old son Lane says, “But dad, I like playing with dolls.”
    2. What to do when your 18-year old son Lane says, “But dad, these gender identity issues just won’t go away.”
    3. What to do when your 19-year old daughter Lanie says, “Hey dad, these gender identity issues have finally gone away.”
16. Whirlpool’s How to Get Your Dishwasher Loaded. (Chapters include):
    1. Binge-washing with 90-proof Cascade
    2. Adding gin to the soap dispenser, vermouth to the rinse reservoir, and sticking a couple of olives on toothpicks in the silverware basket
17. Inconvenient Truths: There is such a thing as “New Car Smell,” but there’s no such thing as “New Bus Smell.”
18. People, It’s Time to Stop Grieving: The Beatles are not getting back together…At least not in this world
19. Don’t Worry, It’s Just Peanut Butter.
20. Is There Such Thing as New Train Smell? If Amtrak ever orders one, we may find out.
21. Learning to Pass Time in Creative and Healthy Ways By Writing Lists of Rejected Books and Rambling On and On About How we’re All Absolutely Connected, But Just Don’t Realize It Right Now. Maybe Soon Though Because That’s the Way It Is. Peace and Love, Ringo

I can’t believe book #20 would be rejected. I’d read that. Sounds like a real page turner. BTW, my Literary Agent’s name is Paige Turner.

That is all.