Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

In July, punctilious Professor Silas Havisham bought a $750 bookmark from Tiffany and Company – marked down from $850. He thought he got a great deal on the cobra-skinned, diamond-encrusted bookmark and was very excited to take it home and start using it. By August however, he had returned the faulty placeholder and asked for a refund claiming the bookmark was defective. Prof. Havisham explains:

 

The dog-gone thing doesn’t work. I mean it works just fine when I put it in between the page where I’ve finished reading, but later, when I go back to start reading again, it’s always moved itself to another page. It won’t stay still. Neither myself nor Mrs. Havisham can explain it. Who needs a self-aware book mark? Stay inanimate, damnit. Now I have to dog-ear pages just to keep my place in a book, which really defeats the whole purpose of a bookmark to begin with – especially one that costs $750. I have a simple plastic bookmark I got for free at our annual Lion’s Club Pancake breakfast right here in Half Moon Bay. I never find it wandering amongst the pages of the book I left it in. It works great and didn’t cost me a cent. You’d think for $750 they’d have solved the problem of the “migrating bookmark.”

 

Tiffany’s, where he bought the pricey place keeper, said the bookmark was working just fine when it left the store and that they missed this particular bookmark saying, “That bookmark will always hold a special place for us. I just wish it could do the same for Mr. Havisham.”

 

Tiffany’s said that, because this $750, one-of-a-kind bookmark had been taken out of its sleeve and used, it had depreciated to $69.99 and therefore company policy prevented them from issuing a refund. As company spokesperson Kate Nagelmackers explained to Mr. Havisham, “Sorry Professor. Since your fingerprints are all over this thing, the bookmark now has very little resale value, so we can’t offer a refund. We do however, depreciate your business very much and as testament to that we offer you a certificate for breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

 

Mr. Havisham said he was surprised by the bookmark’s malfunction: “Tiffany’s desk set accoutrements are close to perfection. Some say I overpaid for my $9500 letter opener and $3500 paperweight, but they both do the job magnificently. Tiffany was right when they marketed the set as ‘The last letter opener and paperweight you’ll ever have to buy.’ It’s strange though; we have noticed our aging paperweight is starting to put on a few extra pounds. How could it not? It just sits around all day oppressing our paper. Weight! That’s it’s job. It’s completely sedentary and gets no exercise. Anyway, we can barely lift the little guy these days.”

 

Mrs. Havisham concurred, “Usually Tiffany’s products are flawless. To me, our $12,000 tea cozy is worth twice the price. And my $300 tiny, little support table that goes in the middle of a pizza box to prevent the box top from collapsing into the pizza, probably works beautifully, even though we haven’t come close to using it in the 12 years we’ve owned it. We do lean a little ballerina next to the $300 miniature table and then when we walk by we say, ‘Hold me closer tiny dancer.’ But even that is starting to get old now.”  

 

Mr. Havisham then digressed, “Mark my words on this (just don’t use my $750 bookmark to do it). Remember that Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney hit song The Girl is Mine? That really was a Silly Love Song wasn’t it? How could those 2 legends actually sing the lyrics: ‘the dog-gone girl is mine’’? Well, we know one thing these days – the dog-eared book is mine.”

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Very Sensitive Viewers.

Very, Very, Very Sensitive Viewers.

While practicing good manners and respectful behaviors have their proper place in a high-functioning society, some have grown hypersensitive to mild offenses or perceived slights. These overly empathetic souls have little tolerance for coarse behaviors. Full disclosure: While I consider myself woke, I’m also very groggy.

 

Whether this inability of certain people to take things in stride is set at the factory or is a learned disposition I’ll leave to the sociologists. Suffice to say, that for whatever reason, many individuals take umbrage at the gentlest of affronts. Rather than us being outraged by their uber compassion or misguided benevolence, I say we pack them in cotton and coddle them further. And it’s with this faulty premise in mind I’ve taken the time to highlight some coarse content in movies these souls might find concerning or want to avoid altogether.

 

 

Shows that May Depict Scenes that are Inappropriate for Uber Sensitive Audiences 

The following shows may contain content that an overly sensitive viewer might consider offensive. And they may want to avoid such brazenly boorish behaviors so as to not disturb their delicate disposition:

 

1. The documentary A History of Stringed Instruments: Sensitive viewers should be forewarned there’s a lot of gratuitous violins in it. Some say too much violins at the expense of the cellos. I don’t mean to harp on this and I’m not a lyre, but you could save some lute by going to another movie.
2. Be advised French director François Truffaut’s Fahrenheit 451 (the temperature at which paper ignites) features moldy cheese (Roquefort), women with unshaven armpits and many French words spoken in a heavy French accent. It is recommended you should avoid this movie if you are either lactose intolerant, pit averse or just plain Francophobic. And don’t be fooled; the European title of Fahrenheit 451 is Celsius 232.8
3. Nudity Warning: In Matt Damon’s We Bought a Zoo, many, if not all of the animals appear completely naked and walk around just like it’s nothing
4. Rapacious Consumption Alert: In Jurassic Park, some of the park’s visitors walking in the background (extras) are believed to have eaten fish that were caught unsustainably. If you can’t stomach people who’ve eaten non-farmed fish it is best to avoid this movie.
5. Noxious Nicotine Potential could leave you fuming: In Sophie’s Choice, in a scene where Meryl Streep must make a momentous decision, a pack of unfiltered cigarettes (Gitanes) can clearly be seen on a table, as if to condone, if not promote its addictively lethal vapors
6. Cautionary Tail: In Lassie Comes Home, the titular canine wags her tail in a highly suggestive manner, possibly indicating Timmy fell down the well, or maybe that Timmy is outback of the bunkhouse swilling moonshine with Betsy.
7. In Jack Ass 8 there’s an abundance of Full-Frontal Idiocy. It’s so in your face.
8. Scandalously Titillating Topography: In David Attenborough’s Our Planet, in a segment on Australia’s Koala bear, a mountain in the background appears to suggest naked female hips, causing a modest person to wonder why she’s not wearing panties Down Under.
9. Clever Coarse Language Alert: Cover your ears from the profane. In the documentary The Construction of the Empire State Building, the word “erection” is used in congratulatory reference to the newly constructed building: “Your company has managed a truly marvelous erection that shall stand for a thousand years.”
10. Avert Your Eyes if Able Warning: In the TED talk Dentistry in Estonia, you’ll be aghast as you witness the presenter with an errant piece of spinach covering almost 2 of his incisors.
11. Mile-High Misogynist Club Warning: In Top Gun, while playing pool, a cocky, gum-chewing pilot indirectly comments on his appreciation of a nearby woman’s buttocks. Is there no shame?
12. Geriatric Sorrow Alert: In the movie Cocoon, several arthritic women attempt to open a jar of pickles to no avail. Viewers will feel their pain when the seniors are forced to eat their sandwiches pickleless.

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Except for BC, if someone knew when Christ was coming.

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The advent of Competitive Eating, where cuckoo contestants see how many hot dogs, pies or pancakes they can cram into their gizzards, has ushered in a new era of other dubious sporting events; usually sponsored by greedily aligned corporations and gaudily presented by ESPN 16 – a channel reserved for just such idiocy. I’ve taken the liberty of curating them for you and offer the following list of these supposed sports:

 

1. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – Chowboy Joey Chestnut won his 16^th hot dog eating championship despite suffering from pink eye. It had no effect on his performance, promoters just wanted to add drama to Mr. Chestnut’s insane scarfing of 76 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes (true). In this one contest, nutritionist believe he consumed the equivalent of a 4-lifetime supply of animal lips. Sponsored by Nathan’s Hot Dogs.
2. Naked and Catheterized – Naked contestants must conquer Mt. Kilimanjaro while holding their urine bag. First to the top is treated to all the hot dogs they can eat…in 10 minutes. If you like this sport, urine luck. I meant to say, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
3. Rolling in Attic Insulation – Sure it itches, but contestants can make 10 American dollars a day by sleeping in Johns-Manville’s prickly, pink insulation – if they can make it to 10 days. This sport may contribute to Pink Eye, as well as pink every place else.
4. Paula Deen’s Fried Cakes Murder Mystery “A Who-Donut!” – Contestants have to find who’s been killing all the donuts on her plantation. Whoever unmasks the evil dough-nutter is released from involuntary servitude. Sponsored by Hostess Indentured Services.
5. Solitaire Lollapalooza – All solitaire games are played by yourself in isolated and remote Zoom meetings. Most avatars are Eleanor Rigby, Henry David Thoreau or a Black Dog. The winner is shunned worse than an Amish heretic. Sponsored by Zoloft.
6. How Bald Can My Tires Get? – Car owners see if they can drive on just the steel belts. Sponsored by Rogaine.
7. Sentenced to the Crawl Space – Disturbed contestants see how long they can go over to the dark side in a creepy subterranean crypt of silverfish, spiders and scorpions. Sponsored by no one. Larry David says it’s, “Not a thing. And will never be a thing.”
8. How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet – Shouldn’t be “a thing” but it is. Homeowners risk the dreaded overflow, in a race to unseat their neighbors. Sponsored by Hoover Wet/Dry Vacuums.
9. I Can Eat Just Oatmeal for 2 Weeks – Open only to those who, on the advice of their physician, are complete idiots. It’s a rough sport. In fact, it’s the roughage of sports. Not recommended for people competing in How Long Can I Go Until I Flush My Toilet. Sponsored by Quaker Groats.
10. Eating Food 2 Months After Its Expiration Date – Lots of Risk with absolutely no Reward. Sponsored by the movie Jack-Ass 8.
11. How Much Salt Water Can I Drink Before My Kidneys Fail – Good to know in case you’re ever shipwrecked. Sponsored by Dialysis Solutions.
12. Let’s Become Siamese Twins – “Volunteers” gather at a safe, public space then are herded into vans and taken to a secondary location where they submit to being conjoined with people who lost on Paula Deen’s Fried Cake Murder Mysteries “A Who-Donut!” Sponsored by the movie Twins II.

Notes on June 21st:

I just don’t get it. How can this be the longest day of the year? Don’t they all have 24 hours in them. Is there some leap hour I don’t know about?

I understand the shortest day of the year is only 4’8″. That I get. And I know when workers want shorter hours you start by shortening their lunch hour to 30 minutes. For me the longest day of the year has always been when the in-laws visit.

Solstice, equinox, either way I feel I should be wearing a robe and milling about Stonehenge with the rest of the Druids. Or maybe listening to the song “Aquarius.” Those pagans – God lov’em.

If a letter makes it to your mailbox with any of the following phrases, acronyms or hieroglyphs on it, you may send this JUNK straight to recycle:

1. ECRLOT – ECRLOT stands for Enhanced Carrier Route Line Of Travel. This is an internal code used by the USPS and designates a discounted postal rate for junk mailers. Although if you’re interested in “commemorative” orangutan plates from the Kingdom of Siam, maybe this letter is for you.
2. Electronic Service Requested – Junk mailer wants this vital mail forwarded to the correct person. Screw them and the air mail they flew in on.
3. Time Sensitive Material Enclosed – Junk mailer is attempting to promote a sense of urgency in marketing Urology Today’s new streaming service
4. Hand Deliver Only – All mail is hand delivered (unless it’s email). It’s part of the job. Don’t bother with this method, unless you’d prefer a hand job.
5. Whoever knowingly and willfully obstructs or retards the passage of the mail shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than six months, or both. (June 25, 1948, ch. 645, 62 Stat.) – This is supposed to legitimize and imbue the mailer with the imprimatur of authority by quoting a 75-year-old statute. Toss it.
6. You Poor, Dumb Sap. You Need to Buy this Crap We’re Selling – Points for honesty, but chances are you don’t need the elbow deodorant they’re peddling.
7. Doctors Without Bladders Fundraising Drive – Borders yes, bladders no.
8. From the Desk of Kanye West – Ye are not amused. Can it.
9. These Bible Foods Will Double Your Lifespan – Double your waistline maybe. Cast this mailer out into the darkness.
10. Resident, Occupant or Felon – Wouldn’t bother opening it. Of course if you are a felon, it might be of interest. Just sayin’.

1. What do you call fake Vietnamese soup? – Faux Pho
2. What do you call fake witchcraft? – Bogus Hocus-Pocus
3. Which craft is the source of sorcery? – Witchcraft
4. What do you call fake cold cuts? – Phony Bologna
5. What do you call silly chatter on a cell call? – Phone-y Baloney
6. What do you call the distance from the sun to the earth? – 1 Astronomical Unit (Not all of these are supposed to be funny folks)
7. When does a thing become a thing? – When Larry David says so
8. If Larry David was dyslexic, would he be David Larry? – Bropably
9. What would happen if everyone was named Otto? – Otto know.
10. Is it extra difficult for claustrophobic gay people to be closeted? – Otto know.

 

And finally, this Pee Wee Herman quote sums it all up:

“There’s a lotta things about me you don’t know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand.”