Archive for the ‘The Stories’ Category

Chang and Eng: Siamese twins before Siamese twins were cool.

The “There but for the grace of God go I” wince-factor associated with the misfortune of conjoined twins, often morphs into a head-shaking, disbelieving giggle when confronted with the sheer absurdity of 2 people sharing one belly button or the same eardrum. As is the case with many strange things in life, this condition is a very unfunny cosmic joke. The closest we stand-alone creatures come to experiencing this involuntary merge is when we run in a 3-legged race or file joint tax returns. Conversely the closest Siamese twins come to experiencing separateness, is when they’re happily dreaming about deftly slipping through a revolving door all by themselves.

Oh well, “There but for the grace of God go I,” said the author, shaking his head while stifling laughter.   Read the rest of this entry »

Think this afterlife scenario is wishful thinking? It probably happens to dearly departed people millions of times a day – billions of time if you include bugs and stuff.

Professional sports leagues provide the best euphemisms for those souls who’ve dearly departed the playing field. For example, the NFL describes death as being placed on the “Permanently Unable to Perform List.” If you do not go gently into that good night, Major League Baseball will put you on the “Involuntary Retirement List.” And to the NBA death is that strange thing where you suddenly find yourself playing for the 6 feet and under league. And while some run in terror from the Grim Reaper, others see an opportunity in being Reaped by His Grimness. For instance, after your body has been repossessed by the Grim Repo Man, you no longer have to watch in disbelief while it slowly delaminates and its once sculpted contours begin to look like something you’d see in a Funhouse mirror. Death also makes you very easy to shop for at Christmas. I mean what do you get for the person who has no pulse? – Defibrillators? Read the rest of this entry »

We’re doing what? Who knew?

Judaism, a 4000 year old monotheistic religion whose deepest expression can be found in the music of Neil Diamond, has decided to call it quits citing: “Enough already.” It’s just the latest case of a major institution opting out of the global hierarchy in what some religious scholars are calling a “Jewxit.” Jews from holocaust the world…I mean Jews from all across the world decided to shutter their religion after almost 4000 years of unleavened success. It seems a slow-forming consensus had developed among Temple elders who advised followers to, “stop being so damn Jewish and get on with your lives already.” In a surprising show of solidarity, Zionists applauded the move by throwing in their yarmulkes and snipping off their curly little side ringlets as they began a process of moving to a new Promised Land where they hoped to buy lots wholesale – proving once again that old habits do indeed die hard. The closure becomes official once everyone gets back their deposits on the Bar Mitzvah halls. Read the rest of this entry »

“That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for…hold it! What’s that dog doing in the picture? Never mind. I can see what he’s doing.”

It is often said that “dog is man’s best friend.” And although he’s recently been replaced by the iPhone, our faithful little buddy is still a very popular app. Their loyalty and devotion is unquestioned. We are humbled by a dog’s gratitude for the simplest of pleasures; like that plastic spaghetti spoon thing we use to launch a tennis ball a mile and a half with a simple flip of a wrist. Dogs possess a deeply embedded pack instinct, so it was no great surprise to Mission Control when Neil Armstrong’s dog Astro bounded out of the VIP grandstand enclosure at Launch Control and onto the Sea of Tranquility just as Mr. Armstrong was about to take his historic moonwalk. I mean is it really any wonder that when his master went for a walk, the dog would follow. Read the rest of this entry »

One bite of this forbidden hot dog and I’ve had 43 years of indigestion. I finally found the antidote.

Why would I reveal a perfectly executed petit larceny committed at the tender age of 12 while working the portable hot dog stand at our end of year elementary school celebration? Because I want to redeem myself for my wretchedness. I’m not confessing so much to exorcise my demons, as I am taking the advice of the band Heart, who encouraged us to “♫Even it up, even it up, even it up♫.”

It is often said that justice delayed is justice denied. And that may be the case in this instance. But what choice do I have in correcting something 43 years after the fact? I’m just trying to restore things to their original equilibrium and this self-correcting expose is as good a starting point as any. Perhaps my bite-sized, youthful indiscretion can be remedied with the same ease in which it was committed. I sure hope so. When it comes to appeasing the exacting justice of the Lord of Karma I hedge my bets. For example, I donate to a couple of food banks and I’ve always made a point to tip 20% even when the service was only 15% worthy. In this particular case I’m attempting to “unscrew” something I so blithely screwed-up in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to the exciting world of ushering. May I help you find your seat so you can sit back and relax while you read my autobiography?

“Ushering is not a choice. I was born this way. I’ve always fancied people’s seats.”

Author’s Note: My cellmate says I should be careful in writing this “Sit and Tell” autobiography. He said if I expose the names of individuals I’ve put in their seats I’ll bring dishonor unto the House of Usher. I should point out, a “cellmate” is just a friend I speak with on my cell phone.

My Story Begins
I consider myself a man in full. However about 90% of that fullness comes from the stature I’ve gained in my career as an usher. I love ushering. Which is just another way of saying, “Aisle of ushering.” Either way I can’t explain my attraction to it. Early on I had a strong interest not only in picking my friends, but also in picking their seats. I’ve always wanted to be a professional escort, and ushering has allowed me the honor of being a paid escort. Read the rest of this entry »

Memorandumb

From: Human Resources Dept. – a division of HP Primate Services

Topic: Hiring Procedures

Attention: Hiring Supervisors

Security Level: Eyes only. Do not circulate or copy document. Especially no copying since even we can’t afford our own ink cartridges.

Attention Hiring Supervisors,

In an effort to ensure a high-caliber workforce (high-caliber in terms of achievement and not weaponry), Hewlett-Packard’s Human Resources Dept. (or HP’s HR) has created this determinative questionnaire to screen prospective litigants employees for suitability. Applicants must answer all questions, after which they can expect to have their wallet returned. Read the rest of this entry »

Aaaahhh. Remember when.

Sometimes the mountain is so high and my spirit is so low I wonder if I’ll ever make it to the summit. That fabled summit where I hope to find the almighty perspective I’ve been promising myself ever since 4^th Grade. That’s when I was shaken from my adolescent cocoon by the 5^th Dimension’s mystical song Aquarius. This portentous anthem heralded a new age of possibilities. I really thought it was “the dawning of the Age of Aquarius” for everybody. Everybody, everywhere. It was the late 60’s and we were all going to take the Marrakech Express into the 5^th Dimension where “♫peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars♫.” It was a simple calculus formulated by a mercifully simple boy then known as David. And he still is a simple boy known as David except he’s covered by all these words you see before you. Oh to be naïve again – or at least simple, without being a simpleton.   Read the rest of this entry »

These Fashion Week hats are so derivative. And yet they’re all the rage.

It’s 1969. AD. I’m 8 years old and happily ensconced all alone in the cozy confines of my downstairs game room where I’m playing pool and groovin’ (yes, groovin’) to Beatles music on our state-of-the-art Magnavox Quadraphonic stereo. I’m the best company a boy can have. And the beauty part is I’m never without me. And while I appreciate the company of other people, I especially like mine. I always seem to know exactly what I want to do and I never have to wait around for me to show up so I can do it. I’ve always been there for me. I have no choice. And being with myself in this special way (in the basement shooting pool and listening to the Beatles) was like a divinely choreographed yogic practice. Read the rest of this entry »

The Lord thinks of everything, but if he only remembered to add more brimstone to his firewall, he wouldn’t have had his identity stolen.

Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote The Almighty. Believers began to have suspicions when so many of their prayers went unanswered. Atheists seemed to be unaffected by the theft. After burning around the bush, our Lord announced today (through a spokesman as usual) that for a brief period of time his identity had been stolen. His oracle went on to remind his minions that, “His Eminence is not responsible for any karmic debts entered into by his impersonator during the period of the usurpation.” Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating from Immaculate to Cash Only; stating, “While we recognize God is too big to fail, we believe that until his true identity is confirmed creditors should not accept any more of his Covenants because right now we don’t know him from Adam.”
Read the rest of this entry »