Posts Tagged ‘bucket’

In America there is no Orient Express. I call it the Occidental Express. That’s Occidental, not Accidental – if you’re oriented properly.

Nowadays they just call me crazy to my face. And why? Maybe it’s because I enthusiastically purchased a $480 one-way AMTRAK ticket for me and my wife on a scheduled 26 hour 36 minute journey from Reno to Denver – a ticket that would cost half as much and take 24 fewer hours if we were to travel by air. You remember AMTRAK don’t you? They’re the ones that use those bright and shiny, parallel metal thingies we all drive over at railroad crossings. Oh, how quickly we forget. For 100 years these track-borne conveyances (often referred to as “trains” if I remember correctly) were this country’s life blood – connecting people and businesses in a generative web of travel and commerce. It was the original World Wide Web. The World Wide Web of wailwoading. Railroading’s antique charms beguile me. Though you may have relegated train travel to the dust bin of history, I have elevated train travel to the must spin of this-story.  

If life is about the journey, this is a journey I long to take. Think of it as the road less traveled. The rail road less traveled. As Robert Frost wrote with such evocative homespun eloquence in his poem The Road Not Taken:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

And I am eager to take that road less traveled – the railroad. Read the rest of this entry »

Perfuming the World with a Potpourri of Applied Madness

1. Man’s Rolex dies an untimely death. He’s in denial stating, “Not on my watch.”
2. I’ve always marveled at the work of the Early Impressionists: Frank Gorshin, Rich Little and of course Claude Monet. Gorshin imitated Kirk Douglas, Rich Little mimicked Nixon and Monet did a fabulous impression of various Lily’s.
3. You decide: Is this a Ghoulish Idea, or a Humane Method of eliminating miscarriages of justice? – Instead of the death penalty, guilty parties will be sentenced to life in a medically-induced coma. That way if exonerating evidence surfaces, the comatose prisoner can be revived, given a really big apology, and sent back into society with a crisp C-note and a new suit.
   

   Can you tell I was a Caesarean?

4. For the Legume Identificatory Challenged: I accidentally bought Crunchy Peanut Butter. Again. I hate when that happens. Couldn’t the Crunchy jar realize my imbecility and announce: “Hey Stupid! I’m the crunchy one. Put me back. The smooth one is right next to me. It says ‘Smooth’ on the label.”
5. Uncommon reactions to the COVID Vaccine (contraindications):
   1. SleepFarting – A nighttime side effect similar to Sleepwalking, but much, much gassier. The clinical term for this affliction is SNFS – Spontaneous Nocturnal Flatulence Syndrome. It’s also known by its more grittier street name: Trigger-Happy Blowhole. These emissions can be startlingly louder and exponentially stinkier than simple snoring. It’s a 2-pronged attack on the senses of your spouse: their ears and their nose. A spouse will not only have to wear earplugs, but also a gas mask in order to neutralize their lovable little stinker. Ironically, SleepFarting leaves the calmly snoozing instigator, fuming.
   2. 180° Knee: A rare but troublesome side effect whereby the knees start to bend the other way. The problem arises when the sufferer doesn’t know whether they’re coming or going.
   3. SCS – Sistine Chapel Syndrome: Whereby the newly vaccinated develop an insatiable need to paint the ceiling of their bedroom with scenes of empyrean splendor
   4. HHS – Hugh Hefner Syndrome: Whereby the newly vaccinated develop an insatiable need to put mirrors on the ceiling so they may watch scenes of Sodom and Gomorrah
6. Love this John Mullaney line: “Growing up, I always thought quicksand would be more of a problem.”
7. Former NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been hit in the head 333 times by low-hanging ceiling fan blades. Two times by low-flying airplanes and once by an angel, he didn’t know, could fly, so low. That angel was Phyllis Diller.
8. The poor guy has no luck with money. He put all his life savings in a cloud bank. Then the sun came out and it evaporated. He should’ve saved for a rainy day. This is the same guy who thinks Bitcoin is something you do to your money to make sure it’s not filled with chocolate.
9. The guy has no luck with women. In fact, he can’t even get a date from a date tree – or a hand job from a palm tree. He has, however, gotten really good cone from a pine tree.
10. Charles “Lucky” Lindbergh flew his aero plane wearing an old-fashioned leather helmet. It’s true. You can Goggle it – the helmet that is. You can also Google his goggles. And if you’re a fan of Lady Gaga, you can Google Gaga. I luv baby talk.
11. I found out the hard way that drinkable SPF doesn’t work because you apply it “where the sun don’t shine.” Spray-on Gatorade doesn’t work either. But spray-on Gatorade is an effective birth control because if you do use spray-on Gatorade, no woman will come near you.
12. Why does the butler get his own his own pantry? It’s not fair. Butlers have got it maid.
13. Overheard in little Timmy’s tree fort: “How come nothing’s as fun as I used to think it was.”
14. Everyday you’re supposed to be grateful for the majesty of life. And I am. Immensely. But y’know eventually you pass on and there’s nothing left to feel grateful for every day. Is it enough to think so short term about gratitude? Is there some bigger picture I should have even more gratitude for now? Let me know. Signed, SleepFarter in Seattle.
15. Great sages have eminently declared: “The truth does not require your belief.” And yet I wonder if that’s true.
16. J’ever have one of those days where for some reason, you have to take your socks on and off like 8 times? Neither have I. If I ever did have an experience like that I think it would knock my socks off.  
17. I don’t want to “power through” anything anymore. I’d rather “path of least resistance through” things. Well maybe I could manage to power through the Bottomless Pasta Bowl at the Olive Garden or the Bottomless Stage Show at a Gentlemen’s Club
18. These 2 carnivores walk into a salad bar. The vegtender says, “We don’t get a lot of carnivores around here.” And the meat eaters say, “And at these prices you’re not going to get many more.”
19. 2 Vegans walk into a slaughterhouse. The butcher says, “We don’t get a lot of vegans around here.” And the vegans say, “This is quite a plant you’ve got here.”
20. We join this discount joke already in progress: 2 sets of Siamese twins walk into a walk-in closet and say, “We should really split.” And the closet-tender says, “I can give you half off.” And the Siamese twins say, “Perfect because we can only pay you 50% each.”
21. Consciousness is: The felt presence of immediate experience. Stick that in your navel and contemplate it.

My cup may runneth over, but my bucket is empty.

The phrase “I Hope Never To” should be repeated before each entry

1. Hear my doctor say “Don’t worry. It’s the good kind of” anything
2. Get confused when baking a flourless cake in the shape of a flower
3. Hear the captain say, “We’ve all made our peace with the Almighty up here on the flight deck. Probably a good idea if y’all did the same back in the cabin.”
4. Sleep in a barn and wake up a little hoarse
5. Sleep in my bed and wake up next to a horse’s head. (Godfather reference: If you give Johnny Fontaine that part, you’ll never have to worry about this.)
6. See my shadow move differently than I’m moving
8. Leave #7 blank…Damn it! Epic fail. And I was so close. #7 is un-intentionally blank.
9. Ride through the desert on a horse with no name. Or even ride through the desert on a horse whose name I knew, but subsequently forgot. And lastly, to ride through a car wash on a horse whose name I never asked and was never told.
10. Spend time at a petting zoo. Especially as an exhibit.
11. Be so retired that we start going out, not only to Early Bird dinners, but to Early Bird breakfasts – where of course we get the worms
12. Free climb El Capitan – No one has to climb it. And just because it’s “there” isn’t enough of reason. I implore you all to take El Capitan for granite – hard, unforgiving granite.
13. Walk on Hot Coals
14. Walk on Warm Coals
15. Walk into Kohl’s. Why should I? It’s all online.
16. Pick-up roadside trash on weekends in order to satisfy some Community Service obligations I didn’t deserve. Next time I guess I’ll ask permission before I try to free climb Kirstie Alley.
17. Have an air bag go off in a car I’m in (unless, of course, it needs to)
18. Accidentally get a glimpse of the godless lumpy landscape, floating in a sea of bluish hell in a Port-a-Potty waste tank. One errant glance and you’re changed forever. Too many among us suffer silently from PPSD: Post Port-a-Potty Stress Disorder.
19. Write a doctoral thesis contrasting Hunt’s Manwich Sandwich with Sloppy Joe’s. It’s a fool’s errand, like contrasting Mary-Kate from Ashley.
20. See any of my internal organs
21. Visit the warehouses where all the removed Confederate statues are stored
22. Touch the tips of both pinkies while each is in a separate nostril
23. Be assigned a probation officer
24. See Donald Trump naked
25. See Kate Upton clothed
26. Use “winter” or “summer” as a verb (As in: Oh, we winter in Cozumel and summer in Martha’s Vineyard.)
27. Get a call from my probation officer telling me: “My lawn gets mowed once a week and the trash goes out on Tuesday. We can talk about massage latter. Now get crackin’ Hardiman.” And before hanging up he sings: “For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felonnnnnnn. That nobody can deny.”
28. Move so slowly that I get run over by one of those 6-million lb NASA mega-transports while its rolling a rocket out to the launching pad
29. Help my Uncle Jack off a horse
30. Help my Uncle Jack off anything for that matter
31. Use the past as an excuse for current choices
32. Spend less than 10 minutes a day meditating (not thinking or cogitating)
33. Well, you made it this far. Congratulations. Now, post this list on your wall and fill in the blank #7 using the phrase “The Big Secret is there’s no secret.”