Posts Tagged ‘food’

Lest you think it wasn’t God’s intention for man to eat in the sky, there is biblical precedence for it. So it is written in Ezekiel 1:15:

 

And so it came to pass that Ezekiel saw the wheel

Way up in the middle of the air

And he saw that it was good

And was glad he had ordered the kosher meal

 

Dumb people (and there are far too many) often invoke Philistine logic when they say, “If man were meant to fly, he’d have wings.” Smart people (and there simply aren’t enough) counter, “Well we do have wings and they’re not so much God-given as they are Boeing-given.” And this discussion in comparative intelligence brings us to today’s topic: Air Fare, Pie in the Sky, Elevated and Plated. In other words, high-flyin’ airline dinin’.

 

Humans (which are found everywhere except for certain parts of Moscow) celebrate and appreciate the bonanza that food provides. Eating is such a vital event that a grateful public often takes a reverent moment to say grace before dining. Others adopt a more brutish view of the pre-meal benediction and gruffly declare, “OK peeps, dig in” or “Hey Brenda, you got any more a those hot sauce packets?” But regardless of whatever ceremony is performed before dining, most meals are taken in a chair while sitting at a table. And this is true whether dining in an airplane or in a kitchen. Again, in a biblical way; as above, so below. Except when you’re dining above, you’re 8 miles high and traveling at 450 kts, so it’s not exactly, “as above so below.” In any event, let’s examine the “above” part as we explore Fare in the Air.

 

 

A True Change in Cabin Pressure as Your Plane Transforms into a High Stress Restaurant

 

Once meal service is announced an aircraft converts from a sophisticated airborne passenger delivery system to a sophisticated airborne food delivery restaurant. Flight attendants transform into glorified waitresses working the front of the house and pilots on the flight deck become the kitchen staff, quietly managing the back of the house even though they have no duties as assigned. It’s a restaurant in the sky as its passengers become fuselage food fans. Meal service is a very welcome hour intrusion into a multi-hour flight. A complete distraction from your inner dialogue continually asking you, “Are we there yet?”

 

Are You a Fuselage Foodie? A Sampling of Airline Cuisine

 

Air Jordan

There’s a new Middle Eastern Airline called Air Jordan (not affiliated with Nike). They offer a Hummus Snack Tray that comes with dates. However, if you’re in a committed relationship and you don’t want any dates, you can order one with just crackers. Additionally, if you’re hummus-phobic, or, on the advice of a physician, are on a mashed chickpea-free diet, you can order your Hummus Snack Tray without a trace of enthusiasm.

 

Air Jordan is also experimenting with a regional take on the all-time breakfast favorite of ham and eggs. It’s seasoned for the Arabic tongue and is called Hamas and Eggs. A happy meal version for kids is flavored with storybook charm. It’s called Green Hamas and Eggs. There’s also the Bottomless Bowl of Hezbollah filled with shredded promises and candied Kalashnikovs. Air Jordan was said to be kitchen-testing a seafood dish but cancelled it after discovering the Jihad had had haddock. They continue to reach out to the Jewish state in a gastronomic way with Air Jordan CEO Phil Knight (not that Phil Knight) saying, “The thing of it is is, is Isreal willing to eat baba ganouje?”  

 

United Airlines

The kitchens of United Airlines are formulating a hemispherically appropriate continental breakfast. The continental breakfast items depend on the continent you happen to be flying over. If you’re over an ocean they won’t serve it at all, if you catch my continental drift. When United is flying from South America to North America, they sometimes abruptly swap out their continental breakfast causing a major continental plate shift from croissants and jam to yogurt parfaits. Oh and BTW, I encourage everyone to fly United, because no one wants to fly apart.

 

Aer Lingus

This Hibernian national airline serves a very traditional 7-course Irish meal. It’s a baked potato and a six pack. And it’s served without irony.

 

DebonAir

This opulent airline merged with the snooty French airline Savior Faire Air in 2018. They only offer 1^st class seating. Upon boarding, each passenger receives a complimentary jar of Grey Poupon. Oh, how the passengers love to tickle each other’s’ fancies by presenting an appetizing canapé to their seatmate and requesting, “Would you please Poupon this?” Very classy indeed.

DebonAir offers a Connoisseur’s Cheese Platter – 4 very soft cheeses wrapped in ridiculously thin aluminum foil that’s impossible to remove. The inability to remove this aluminum skin actually works in the passengers favor because it turns out the body needs trace amounts of aluminum in its diet, and you might as well get them in one big dose at 40,000 ft. than risk being caught licking your neighbor’s aluminum siding after midnight (been there). The cheese platter costs only $4.50 when purchased on the ground, but once the plane departs and climbs up into the stratosphere, so do the prices. Depending on how high the plane flies, costs can soar up to $18. At this price most cheese buyers become lactose intolerant and settle for the free pretzels instead.

 

China Air

They offer an all-to-authentic pupu platter. It’s fittingly served with buttered nose plugs and toilet paper napkins.

 

Vegan Airlines

Its menu is to DEI for (in the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion sense). Vegan Airlines signature dish is the Vegie Wedgie Salad consisting of Baby Lettuces, Impressionable Parsnips, Bicurious Broccoli and Gender Dysphoric Rhubarb. It’s usually served with a wink and a nod. Flavorless and unsatisfying low carbon footprint options are available: Watercress on Rice Cakes, Cous Cous Cous and Spilt Fritters (which is Spelt spelled wrong).

 

Ambiguous Air

This confused airline’s meal planners have devised a surf and turf befitting its’ dualistic status. This dish features a Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp and Elongated Short Ribs. Served with a tall glass of melted ice, this entrée will leave you wondering, “Why does my credit score take a hit just because I apply for a credit card?” Ambiguous indeed.

 

Illuminating Ruminating

Sometimes the repetition of an extraordinary event makes the exceptional seem mundane – a case of familiarity breeding unexamined complacency. But maybe the next time you’re enjoying a savory hot meal in the comfort of a padded seat at 40,000 ft. hurtling through the stratosphere at 450 kts while 4 feet away on the outside of the thin aluminum skin protecting you it’s -40° and the wind howling at 80 kts, perhaps you’ll have a renewed appreciation for your extraordinary circumstance.

1. The Beefcake Factory – Run by the NFL’s Kelce Bros, the food is great and the service (as you might expect) is Swift.
2. Lizzie Borden’s Chophouse – Ghoulishly trendy place. Diners are losing their heads over it.
3. The Scarlet Lobster – They only serve lobsters that have committed adultery. Popular in colonial Boston.
4. 

   Cook up some profits with restaurant franchising. 

   Anna Phylactic’s – A shockingly good restaurant. Before you even sit down, you’re served a complimentary shot of Benadryl

5. LGBTQ? It’s Friday– Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
6. Schrempf’s Almost Vowelless Restaurant – Try the alphabet soup at Schrempf’s. More consonants than you can shake a spoon at.
7. Gag Order – The first rule of Gag Order is you don’t talk about Gag Order
8. Hamid’s House of Hummus – Not recommended for the hummus-phobic
9. Burger Queen– The place is such a drag. Try the burger with the special cross dressing. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back.
10. Heimlich’s– A favorite of Nazis, this restaurant features small, chokable servings
11. The Pompous Ass– Place stinks. After dinner, all diners must exit through the rear. Sometimes people get stuck and they can’t go for days.
12. BJ’s Restaurant – The place blows. Nuff said
13. Slaughterhome – Caring female butchers have made this Slaughterhouse, a Slaughterhome. Some throw pillows here, a splash of blood there and Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home – It’s all sumptuously decorated in Modern Carnivore. I mean it’s authentically paleo, but with cutlery.
14. Sinnabon – Eat just one of these sinful buns and it’s straight to hell
15. Thai Phoid – An Asian eatery where Employees Must Wash Hands. But they don’t.
16. Ruth’s Chris’s Steaks Houses – In a pluralistic society, this is the kind of steakhouse you gets
17. A Confederacy of Donuts – Both the dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived celebration of plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and servants eat free. Ask about our Cotton-Pickin’ Specials. A Confederacy of Donuts is a subsidiary of Cracker Barrel.
18. The ICOP – A place where policemen can go to get their pancake on

 

Edited Out: The following did not make the grade. I won’t be investing in these.

19. Downunder Steakhouse – Nothing at all like Outback Steakhouse, it’s the home of the Bloomin’ Bandicoot.
20. Cellulite Thighs – Dumplings, biscuits and bagels are the “thighs that bind” in this wholly owned subsidiary of The Waffle House
21. Gristle’s– Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Carotid Artery
22. Dyson Vacuum Factory Cafeteria – Place sucks
23. I Love Garden, Aisle of Garden, Isle of Garden – Not affiliated with Olive Garden
24. The Earth’s Crust – Each table features a small fireplace and mantel. And that’s where the cooks place the dishes of the Earth’s Crust’s, just above the mantle.

 

 

Cajun/Creole Creations

1. Coca-Nola – A cola drink sold only in New Orleans
2. Beignet – Taste-testers felt beignets were passe and stale. Many commented, “Beignet, done that.”
3. Jumbo Liar – Big, spicy Cajun dish filled with fat fibbers, porcine perjurers and luscious liars, all served-up with a generous portion of shellfish-ness
4. Dumbo – You’ll roux the day you try this Disney version of Gumbo. Disney’s Dumbo soup is the elephant in the roux-m no one wants to talk about – let alone eat.
5. Crayfish, Crawfish, Crawdads – I don’t know where any of them sing, but they do stick in my craw.
6. A-2-Fey – A Hip-Hop version of étouffée. Dish was doomed from the start when Tina Fey refused to endorse A-2-Fey.

 

Domestic Disasters

1. Fig Glutens – Great – if you’re a glutton for gluten
2. From the Makers of Planter’s Peanuts came an unsuccessful spin-off: Planter’s Fasciitis
3. Argue-la – A quarrelsome version of arugula. Made for some very angry salads.
4. Spaghetti É’s – The French version of Spaghetti O’s.
5. Twice-thawed Pizza – The makers of twice-baked potatoes discovered doubly-thawed and refrozen pizza wasn’t twice as nice
6. Flocked Flakes – Post Cereal’s answer to Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. It fared poorly in test markets. People said they were uncomfortable eating anything that had been flocked.
7. Pepperidge Farm Seahorses – Goldfish, yes. Seahorses, neigh.
8. Cannibal Crackers – Animal crackers, yes. Cannibal Crackers, bite your tongue.

 

The Hostess Ho Ho’s Franchise

1. Hostess Ho’s – Illegal in most states. Very expensive to buy. Even more expensive to touch.
2. Hostess Ho, Ho’s – The traditional tasty snack cake. Always popular
3. Hostess Ho, Ho, Ho’s – Santa’s yuletide snack cake. It was like Christmas in your mouth.

 

Gender Identity Foods

1. Bi-Curious Bananas – Very a-peeling. But will they sell? As you’d expect with Bi-Curious Bananas, they could go either way
2. Mom-sicles – Female version of the Pop-sicle
3. Womangoes – Female version of mangoes
4. Non-Binary Gingerbread Men – They no longer identify as cookies and are referred to as Gingerbread Thems

 Popular New Food Network Shows Part I

1. The Butcherlor: Young female carnivores vie for the affections of a hunky single butcher. Most get chopped. The winner is neatly tied-up in wax paper and then slid across a stainless-steel counter into the waiting arms of the Butchelor. Anyway you cut it, this show is a real meat market.
2. Queer Food for the Straight Guy: This show introduces breeders to LGBTQ cuisine. Watch as a straight guy is served a BLT where the B, L and T do not stand for bacon, lettuce or tomato. This is a sandwich you need to chew very, very carefully.
3. Baking Bad: A high school chemistry teacher turns to a life of baking bad, meth-based brownies in order to ensure his family’s financial security. He responds to others ridiculing his baking by saying, “I am the one who mocks.”
4. Mallard in the Middle: A Mallard Duck is stuffed between a turkey and a chicken creating the very first turducken. This turducken is then woefully undercooked. In fact, the whole show is kinda half-baked.
5. Alimentary My Dear Watson: Chef Sherlock Holmes takes his loyal assistant Dr. Watson on a gastronomic tour of London in hopes of detecting any trace of edible British cuisine. When Holmes asks his associate, “Do you also find the blood pudding dreadful?” Watson responds, “No sh*t Sherlock.”
6. Hogan’s Gyros: At the height of WWII a group of daring Greek commandos infiltrate Nazi Germany and open a sandwich shop in the Little Athens section of Berlin. The restaurant however, is really a front for sabotaging the Third Reich.
7. Naked and Sautéed: Two unclothed chefs are dropped in the middle of a Panda Express where they must whip-up a chicken stir-fry without singeing their dangling bits. Show is guaranteed to knock your woks off.
8. Parm to Table: An array of exotic parmesans is served-up including Koala Parm and Marm Parm (made with real marmoset).
9. The Webbed-foot Contessa: She walks like a duck and cooks like a duck, but she’s not a duck. Watch, as any criticism of her cooking runs right off her back. BTW, the Web-footed Contessa’s father, who is a disreputable doctor, has a sister show called “Quack.”
10. Trans to Table: This show spotlights nonbinary farmers who will only grow plants that have had their angiosperm reassigned
11. Foodies with Benefits: This tender Tinder show follows foodies who make a mess in the kitchen – and not from cooking food either.
12. Slaughterhouse to Nugent: The Food Network celebrates the diet of extreme carnivore Ted Nugent

 

***Palette Cleanser***

 

Popular New Food Network Shows Part II

1. Jellowstone: Stalwart Montana rancher John Dutton must decide between his love of family or his love of gelatin. And although at times Dutton can be sweet, he’s no Jolly Rancher.
2. Better Phone Joan: In this prequel to Better Call Saul, we see savvy culinary lawyer Joan Child (Julia’s granddaughter) lawfully protecting the copyrights of chefs’ recipes. When someone is stealing a proprietary recipe, chefs everywhere agree: Better Phone Joan.
3. Is it a Refreshing Lemon Ice or Icky Yellow Snow? : Taste means everything in this show where one wrong lick and urine trouble. Show is a real pisser.
4. Orange Chicken is the New Blackened Redfish: This New Orleans based show explains how orange chicken overtook blackened redfish in popularity. This NOLA show’s theme song is a modified version of the Kinks’ “Lola” – ♫NOLA, N-O-L-A, NOLA just like cherry cola ♫
5. The CIA’s Stolen Secrets: Top Secret recipes are stolen from the other CIA (Culinary Institute of America). If they fall into the wrong hands, it could ruin Beef Wellington for generations. You know what to do: Better Phone Joan.
6. The Brady Lunch: A widow and widower decide to pool their resources in opening a restaurant called Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Parents Carol and Mike work the front of the house while chef Alice does all the scut work in the back with the “help” of their bunch of 6 unorganized children. Alpha-kid Greg succeeds in unionizing the Bunch and they all get a 10 This is where the expression, “It’s like herding Brady’s” came from.
7. Bunsmoke: When the town’s only bakery keeps burning all the pastries, Sheriff Matt Dillon must figure out who’s the pyro-pastry perp. He remarks to Miss Kitty, “I’ve heard of Hot Cross Buns, but this is ridiculous.”
8. Weiner 8000: The Food Network’s Investigative Unit blows the lid off dangerously high mileage hot dogs spinning at 7-11’s across the country. Most have been rotating for over 8000 miles and are completely bald. Other hot dogs are so old they have meat in them from animals that are now extinct.
9. Taco Bell’s Really, Really Fast Run for the Border: Show features their new stomach-bloating “Farm to Toilet” menu
10. It’s Always Cheesesteaks in Philadelphia: In this delightful re-boot of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a maniacal Danny DeVito takes control of the restaurant association and forces cheesesteaks onto the menu of every single restaurant.
11. Mickey D’s: Show fantasizes what a restaurant would be like if McDonald’s and Disney combined forces. Menu items include Pitas of the Caribbean, Filet-o-Nemo, Egg McMouses, Frickin’ McNuggets and Cryogenically Frozen Walt Swirls. For those counting calories a Tinkerbell menu is available.
12. Whiners, Sit-ins and Hives: Guy Fieri dines with complainers, college protesters and beekeepers. Eventually they all end up eating crow.
13. Soup to Nuts: In this psychologically revealing show, unsuspecting diners begin their meals with some relatively tame chicken soup. Unbeknownst to them, they are progressively served foods that induce insanity. At the end of the meal, diners are absolutely nuts. “Soup to Nuts” is a favorite of lunatics everywhere.
14. Fingerling Earthling: Dr. Moreau meets Mr. Potato Head. A crazed plant geneticist creates a potato with human aspirations. The resultant spud seems more interested in collecting social security than in putting in a good day’s work. So what else is new?

 

1. Wavy Gravy – A stoner classic. It’s a regular gravy lake you stare at, and then you swear it becomes wavy.
2. Ham-murmurs and Hot Gods – A hallucinogenic take on America’s favorites. Dyslexilicious. Laminated menu with glossy pictures makes it easy for space cadets to point and order.
3. Sue Nami’s Tsunami of Tzatziki Sauce – Who cares how it looks. It spells great.
4. 

   ♫Take a sad brownie, and make it better♫

   Smorgasbord of Marshmallow S’mores – As good tasting as it is hard to say

5. Limp Biskit Infused with Viagra – With this special batter you can now pour yourself a stiff one.
6. Endless Loop of Froot Loops – One simply cannot eat it alone, but toucan.
7. Kraft Mellowroni & Cheese – Talk about your comfort food. This soothing dish is a favorite with low budget college kids.
8. The Candy Man Did – We always knew the Candy man could. Well, now he has: Everlasting Gobstoppers.
9. Lobster with Mother Jones Special Herbs – So good you’ll swear you’re molting.
10. MC Escher’s Bottomless Bowl of Tiny Cookies: A  jar full of increasingly Tiny Cookies that gradually dissolve into imperceptible granules. Then almost undetectably the cookie crumbs coalesce and start to grow progressively larger as the process repeats itself you come to realize you’re confined to a crummy oscillating universe.
11. 22/7 of a Pizza Pi – An irrational, irreducible pizza. In theory it can never be eaten, but it’s fun to try.
12. Who Cares What It Is, I’ve Got Serious Munchies – Just know that it’s chewable and non –toxic.
13. Beer Battered Bear Balls – You’ll never actually eat one. You’ll just convulse in laughter trying to say, “Please pass the Beer Battered Bear Balls.”
14. Kentucky Fried Corn – Makes a kernel proud. You’ll appreciate the play on words in your mouth even if it is kinda corny.
15. Tears in My Eyes Maui Onion – Hotter than Kilauea magma, this onion will bring tears to your already red eyes both for its chemical irritant and its superlative, layered beauty.
16. Cake – Just generic cake. Eat the whole thing and shut up. You know you love it. Simple carbohydrates will have you chasing prey on the Serengeti like a cheetah. Comes in chocolate and Wildebeest flavor
17. Peanut Butter and KY Jelly Muffwich – Again, just eat it and shut up. You know you love it. Comes with a side of Benadryl.
18. LGBTQ Rainbow Sherbet – So stunning in its colorfully icy plumage that most just stare slack-jawed until it melts.
19. Bacon Grease with Dippy Bread – Artery-hardening liquid joy. Must make out Will prior to eating.
20. Denny’s Slam Bam Grand Slam Ham & Clam Jam – Filthily spreadable. Comes with hairless buns.
21. Dinfast – That thing when you need to eat continuously from dinner to breakfast. We call it Dinfast. Depending on the time of day we also serve Fastlun and Lunner. Note: Brunch not available

The Supreme Food Court at the CIA (The Culinary Institute of America) has a full menu of cases this session. They include the following noteworthy disputes and their abstracts:

1. Kevin Bacon v. Meat Loaf – Case to decide who’s the Alpha Carnivore
2. Pringles v. United States Sawdust Corporation – A case in which US Sawdust seeks recompense or at least some credit for providing half of the ingredients in Pringles “Potato” Chips.
3. Mr. Coffee v. Mrs. Butterworth – One glorious night of frolicking on the kitchen counter between a sweetly seductive Mrs. Butterworth and a highly caffeinated Mr. Coffee led to the birth of their little Baby Ruth. The question now arises: Who’s going to pay for Baby Ruth’s support? Until the case is resolved Baby Ruth has been placed in the temporary custody of Aunt Jemima – which in this case is located on the 2^nd shelf of the cabinet nearest the sink.
4. Venus Fly Trap v. Flies – Should be an open and shut case
5. Yam v. Sweet Potato – Case to decide if they’re the same vegetable – you never see them in the same produce section at the same time. The court expects Plant Psychologists to give expert testimony on schizophrenia in root vegetables.
6. Pepperidge Farms Mint Milano Cookies v. Alyssa Milano – Pepperidge Farms alleges “Unconscious copyright infringement” on the part of Ms. Milano. In order to eliminate further confusion between its cookie and Ms. Milano, Pepperidge Farm seeks to compel Ms. Milano to rename herself either Alyssa Marzipan or Alyssa Xanthan Gum. Ms. Milano’s is reluctant to comply stating, “Who’s the boss?” Tony Danza has filed a friend of the court brief stating: “I speak for millions of Americans when I say that there is no confusion here. If you put the two of them side by side there’s only one of them you’d want to eat.”
7. The Estate of Clarence Birdseye v. The People of the United States – The estate of Clarence Birdseye contends that the idea of freezing ffood or future consumption was theirs and theirs alone. Consequently they seek redress in the form of a 1¢ royalty on all food items frozen after 1953. Critics believe the case doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell. Birdseye lawyers claim it does have a snowball’s chance in a freezer.
8. Faberge Eggs v. Egg Beaters – Faberge Eggs believes the existence of Egg Beaters is an affront to all hard-shelled ova everywhere.  Faberge wonders why marauding gangs of Egg Beaters are still allowed to roam the dairy case with impunity as they wantonly crack shells and otherwise beat up on their oval brethren is an outrage. They find this brand of “egg on egg” violence unacceptable. “These are not good eggs,” says an attorney for the firm of Humpty and Dumpty. Faberge Eggs seek redress in the form of having all Egg Beaters confined to their cartons until breakfast time, when they’ll have their contents poured onto a skillet and fried rigid till they’re no longer a threat to anyone. In its defense, Egg Beaters lamented, “It’s not the way we’d choose to behave, it’s just the way General Foods makes us.”
9. Pillsbury Toaster Strudel v. Kellogg’s Pop Tarts – Convenience breakfast food turf battle heats up as Pop Tarts assert its claim as the original toaster pastry. Toaster Strudel’s attorneys intend employ the nuclear option and play the “Eggo Waffle card” if Pop Tarts maintain its exclusive right to dub itself the one and only original toaster pastry. Counsel for Toaster Strudel are incredulous at Pop Tarts duplicity – i.e., “How can Pop Tarts honestly maintain they hold exclusive rights to the ‘toaster pastry’ name when their own company manufactures a similar product – the Eggo Toaster Waffle? It seems Pop Tarts wants to have their waffle and eat it too. We say never. We say Leggo my Eggo.”
10. Honda v. Hyundai (I know not food related, but it was the only court date they could get)
11. Benadryl v. Peanut Farmers of America – Benadryl seeks to neutralize Peanut Farmers’ effort to impose their legumes on an unsuspecting public. Thus far the Peanut Farmers’ lawyers have been tentative in coming out of their shells.
12. Parsnip v. Turnip – This case is being closely watched by the Dirt Farmers of Appalachia, that will determine which tuber possesses the more bodacious ta-tas. This landmark ruling will decide once and forever whether a Parsnip or a Turnip has the best nips. The winner gets the tuber concession at Dollywood.
13. Margarine v. Butter – Margarine seeks a cease and desist order against Butter’s derogatory assertion that: If you think it’s butter, but it’s snot…It’s Chiffon.
14. Darryl Strawberry v. Halle Berry – Case is being watched berry, berry closely.

In summation, I don’t know how nutritious this amuse bouche is, but I do know one thing: It is food for thought.

Food Court Rulings 2018: Case Histories

 

World Food Court at The Hague

Mrs. Dalrymple vs Gerber Baby Food

Mrs. Dalrymple complained her baby’s strained peas were too chunky.

The World Food Court found in favor of Mrs. D. agreeing that indeed the peas were too chunky. To remedy the defect, the Food Court issued Gerber a restraining order.

 

Mall of America Food Court vs KFC

Mall of America Food Court found Kentucky Fried Chicken guilty of frequent and regular battery of its fried chicken. Exasperated KFC’s lawyers responded by asking the food court, “How else are we supposed to coat the damn birds if we can’t batter them?” Mall of America Food Court was unswayed by the argument and ordered KFC to pay $1 million to fund a Home for Battered Chicken.

 

Boise Food Court vs MacDonald’s Restaurant Corporation

Boise Food Court accused MacDonald’s of perpetrating repeated a salt on its French Fries. MacDonald’s contends the sodium-enhancing act was consensual and essential to the flavor of its deep-fried spuds. Boise Food Court disagreed and issued a No So Dium Order of Cessation.

 

Sarasota Food Court vs Minute Maid Orange Juice

Sarasota Food Court found Minute Maid Orange Juice’s pulp very thinly scattered and generally unfocused. As a remedy the Sarasota Food Court required that Minute Maid Orange Juice concentrate. 

 

Talladega Race Track Food Court vs The Milk Advisory Board

The City Fathers of Talladega requested the Milk Advisory Board to change the labeling on their cartons from Homogenized Milk to Heterogenized Milk. They cited a citizenry “uncomfortable” drinking from anything with the word “Homo” on it.

The Milk Advisory Board summarily refused the remedy claiming the Talladega Food Court was acting lactose intolerantly.

 

Milwaukee County Stadium Food Court vs Miller Brewing Company

Issued an injunction barring Miller Brewing Company from referring to its calorie-reduced beer as “Lite.” Milwaukee Food Court required Miller to call this diluted beer what it really is: Diet Beer. “What’s next,” Miller’s lawyers complained, “making it a requirement to pronounce each letter in the name ‘Worcestershire Sauce’?”

 

Yankee Stadium Food Court vs Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream

In the case of Yankee Stadium Food Court vs Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream, the Food Court held that Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream’s in-stadium advertising claim that “You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream,” was extravagant, fatuous and irredeemably self-serving – even though the ice cream itself was not self-serve (a legally semantic thicket).

After Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream pleaded nolo contendre to overstating their case of patrons “screaming” for ice cream, the Court required Haagen-Dazs to tone themselves down. Specifically the remedy barred Haagen-Dazs from claiming anything more than “Ice cream is a desirable treat that perhaps many, but not all enjoy. And although consumers of the frozen confection might request it in a voluble manner, rarely is it ordered while screaming.”

Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream is appealing the ruling to a higher court: The Court of Public Opinion.

 

Dessert

In summation, I don’t know how nutritious this amuse bouche was, but I do know one thing: It is food for thought.