Posts Tagged ‘headlines’

1. If I Swallow Him Whole, Can My Teacup Chihuahua Survive a Trip Through My Intestines? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
2. I Wish My Deaf Friends Would Believe Me When I Say It’s Good to Hear from Them.
3. I’ve Stuck My Tongue to a Frozen Pole. Should I Just Go About My Business? – Discover the Surprising Answer.
4. They Say You Sound Just Like an Owl. “Who?”
5. Should I Worry About the Tinsel in My Stool? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
6. Can You Breathe Easy Now That You’re a Lung Donor? – Find Out the Inspiring Answer.
7. Mike Pence has Asked Your Wife to Lunch. Should You Worry?
8. An Alderman has Parked a Bulldozer on your Foot. Should You Say Something? Find Out the Surprising Answer.
9. So You’re Starting to Think Maybe Hitler had a Point. Should You kill Yourself? – “Yup!”
10. We Taste Test the New Embalming Fluids. Find out What Body Part They Made Stiff.
11. Does Peppermint Bark Come from Trees? Find Out the Surprising Answer.

Whatever You Do Don’t Tell Anyone, But I’m Beginning to Think that the Only Conspiracy, is that There’s No Conspiracy.

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And Finally.

Allow me to quote little dogs everywhere when I say to you:

“Yappy New Year. Yappy, Yappy New Year Everybody, Everywhere.”

1. Local Bank Stuck Up. Bank manager disagrees. Says employees aren’t pretentious at all.
2. Greta Garbo Places Personal Ad. Evidently she no longer vants to be alone.
3. Astronomer’s All Agree: Babe Ruth’s Head Couldn’t Possibly Get Any Bigger
4. Motion Pictures to be called “Movies”
5. Wretched Economic Conditions to be called “The Depression”
6. Curious Voters Demand to Know: “Why is FDR Always Sitting?”
7. Howard Hughes Starting to Act Weird. Former Housekeeper Says Crawl Spaces Filled with Jars of Urine.
8. Sigmund Freud Believes the Depression is Causing depression
9. Aviator Charles Lindbergh Crosses…His Mother – Marries Anne Morrow
10. Charles Lindbergh Likes to Fly His Plane Fast Against Others. Experts All Agree – He’s a Racist.
11. Nazi Germany Becoming a Little Too Well Organized
12. Italy Asks: WWMD – What Would Mussolini Do?
13. America Asks: What’s the Deal with the New Deal?
14. The Beatles Invade New York City. ////I know. It’s from the 60s, but I just love the Beatles.
15. Country Loses Productivity as Millions Waste Time Listening to the Wireless
16. John Steinbeck Encouraged to Change Book Title from The Wrath of Grapes
17. Mickey Mouse Still Wearing a Diaper Despite Being 7 Years Old Now
18. Sediment from Dust Bowl Packaged as Ovaltine
19. Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway Born. Will Grow Up to Become Bonnie & Clyde
20. Black Speedster Jesse Owens Wins 4 Gold Medals at Berlin Olympics. Indignant Hitler Fills Them with Chocolate.
21. Architects Hold Up Bank. Claim it’s the only way to prevent it from sagging.
22. Playtex Holds Up Mae West. Claim it’s the only way to prevent her from sagging.
23. Archaeologists Begin Search for Eleanor Roosevelt’s Chin.
24. Hindenburg Hoax Continues. Dirigible Seen Intact in Stuttgart. “Oh the Duplicity.”
25. Miss America Marries Mr. Universe. Gives Birth to Baby Ruth
26. Einstein Beginning to Wash Hair in Static Electricity
27. Prohibition Ends Today: Entire Country Hungover Tomorrow
28. Jazz Music and Marijuana Corrupting America’s Youth. One Must Be Made Illegal!

12 Uplifting Internet Headlines

1. Trump to Nation: I was just doing this to get attention. Now I’m stuck being President. Be careful what you wince for. 

1. Elon Musk to Provide Free Flying Electric Umbrellas to First 100 “Mary Poppins” movie-goers.

1. Flint, Michigan Getting its Spark Back

1. Even if You Forgot the Question, Love is Still the Answer

1. Bend, Oregon Getting Things Straightened Out

1. Costco Surrenders to Popular Demand: “Alright already. We’ll remain in Christmas mode all year round now. We’ll be like a charming little Christmas village…in a big ugly warehouse,” says Mr. Costco

1. Moscow, Idaho to Change Name to Trump, Idaho

1. Shirley MacLaine to be Reincarnated as a Spunky Actress in Next Life: Wait Till You See What She Looks Like Then!

1. Philadelphia, PA admits Mistake: Will Now be Known as Filadelfia. No word yet on Worcestershire, MA.

1. Confused Internet Users Admit: So Much Time to Waste. So Little Time to Do It In.

1. Grilled Cheese Better for the Heart than Once Thought, says Kraft Cardiologist Group

1. Dogs are Really Just Saying Thank You When They Sniff Your Crotch. So are Husbands.