Posts Tagged ‘last’

Over the course of time there has been a need to stipulate the manner in which a future deceased person (the soon dead) shall distribute their worldly possessions. It has not been without its peculiarities. Here is a sample of some of the more unique bequests directed by individual estates:

1. Little Miss Muffet – Left her tuffet to Mother Goose and all her curds to the spider. At the reading of the Will, the spider was puzzled by receiving only the curds and complained to the lawyer, “No way?” To which the lawyer responded, “Whey.”
2. Jerry Mathers – He says he’s going to Leave It to Beaver
3. Earth – Is leaving everything to the Meek. I guess the meek really shall inherit the earth.
4. Kim Kardashian – She recently amended her Will. Instead of leaving it all to posterity, she’s leaving it all to her posterior. What an ass.
5. Mother Teresa – Saintly MT, having so generously given it all away before her death, she had nothing left to give and hence no Will
6. Kermit the Frog – He leaves his single-family lily pad to Miss Piggy. She’s in Hog Heaven now and consequently unable to accept.
   

   Me and yet another of my imaginary friends.

7. All Deciduous Trees – They leave their leaves to the Mulch God, I beleaf.
8. Dolly Parton – She’s leaving them to the Dollywood Orphanage. If for whatever reason they can’t accept them, they go to the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
9. Will-denier Robert F Kennedy Jr. said he doesn’t see a way he’ll ever have a Will. He then recanted when reminded that, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way.”
10. Paul McCartney – He’s not making a Will. He’s just going to Let It Be.
11. Shirley MacLaine – The reincarnation lady left her entire estate to unborn Frieda Allsworth’s embryo, whose fetus she’s planning to inhabit in utero in her next lifetime. Careful Shirl. I hear the IRS is watching this one.
12. George Will – Left his Will to posterity. He’s now known simply as George.
13. Zombies – Because they’re Undead they need an UnWill in case they’re feeling Unwell.
14. The Alphabet – When it dies it’s planning on leaving everything to New Times Roman – at least from the letters I’ve seen.
15. Will Ferrell – Same as George Will. He’s leaving his Will to posterity and henceforth will become just plain feral.
16. Fannie Farmer – Fannie left her entire fortune of $100 million to her niece Candy, under the stipulation that Candy was to be presented it in an assortment of 1000 heart-shaped boxes with the money filling the 32 little ruffled cups inside.

1. 

   This would be everyone’s Coat of Arms.

   There’d be a Martin Luther Briscoe Blvd in every major city.

3. Jesus Christ would be known as Jesus Briscoe and when people were really exasperated they’d say, “Oh Jesus H Briscoe!”
5. If I said, “The artist formerly known as Briscoe” you’d know I was talking about Prince.
7. Abercrombie & Fitch would be known as Briscoe & Briscoe. Then again, so would Simon and Garfunkel.
9. Daniel Day-Lewis…Daniel Briscoe-Briscoe
11. And you can be damn sure Chuck Norris would still be called Chuck Norris!
13. Stormy Briscoe…’nuff said.
15. If you saw a long lost buddy in the distance at a baseball game and yelled out, “Hey Briscoe, is that you?” The entire crowd would turn to you and say, “Of course it is.”
17. 80% of late night talk show hosts would be named Jimmy Briscoe.
19. Muhammad Ali would’ve changed his name from Cassius Briscoe to Muhammad Briscoe
21. The happiest places on earth would be Briscoeland and Briscoe World.
23. Pharmacies would have one big plastic “B” bin for all the prescriptions to go in.
25. The FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals would become more difficult to track down.
27. On the other hand, if a criminal used an alias it would have to be Briscoe.
29. This Briscoe name thing is really no different than the way it is right now, having the name “Kim” in North Korea.
31. The Tom Hanks/bulldog buddy movie Turner & Hooch would become Briscoe & Hooch. But the Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep movie Kramer vs. Kramer would become Briscoe vs. Briscoe and would star Dustin Briscoe and Meryl Briscoe.
33. The fabled baseball poem Tinkers to Evers to Chance would lose some of its magic because Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
35. Even if everyone’s last name was Briscoe, Kanye West would still be known as an idiot.
37. Abbot & Costello’s classic baseball skit Who’s on First would morph into a pointless Briscoe’s on First, because every player on the field would be named Briscoe. The skit might sound like this:
    • Who’s on first?
    • It’s not Who. It’s Briscoe. Briscoe’s on 1^st.
    • I thought Who was the 2^nd
    • That’s Briscoe.
    • So Briscoe’s on 1^st and Briscoe’s on 2^nd, well then Who’s at shortstop?
    • Who is not the shortstop. Briscoe is the shortstop.
    • You mean to tell me if they made a double play it would be Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe?
    • But we like to call it Tinkers to Evers to Chance.

Now that I think of it, maybe it would be funny if everyone’s name in that skit was Briscoe. In any event the skit would be performed by Briscoe & Briscoe which is Abbot & Costello and not to be confused with Simon & Garfunkel. Read the rest of this entry »