Posts Tagged ‘oscar’

In an effort to modernize and remain relevant to an emerging moviegoing demographic, the Motion Picture Academy of Arts & Sciences added some new and innovative categories this year. In case you missed them I’ve listed them below.

And the Oscar Goes To:

1. Best Undergarment in a Supporting Role – Tie. Dolly Parton’s brassiere and Dwayne Johnson’s jockstrap
2. Best Animated Short Subject – Danny DeVito
3. Most Unforgivable Sin – Aging
4. Best Original Score – That night Frank Sinatra nailed Marilyn Monroe in the back of his Cadillac
5. Best Movie Trailer – The Airstream 5000 (I know, wrong kind of trailer, but so what)
   

   He looks so…I don’t know what the word is…Statuesque.

6. Number of Movies in Which Tommy Lee Jones Appears Youthful – None
7. Movies We Wish Were Silent – Police Academy 4 and Fran Drescher Meets Gilbert Gottfried
8. Best Adapted Dessert from an Original Cookie – Oreos-n-Cream
9. Movies in Which There Are Gay People pre-1970 – None of them. None at all, except for Rock Hudson movies (although we didn’t know it at the time)
10. Best Adapted Screenplay Drawn from an Original Book, Painting or Poem Pertaining to a Cosmically Big Concept Existing Outside of Time that Bespeaks Something About Love or Creation or Some Type of Transcendent Experience That Could Never Really Happen on Earth, But is Made Into Some Indecipherable Movie Anyway that Bombs, but Later Develops a “Cult” Following – Sorry, I forgot what I was saying. Where were we now?
11. Actor with the Longest Fanny Crack – In a surprise: Peter Dinklage
12. Actress with the Deepest Fanny Crack – Rosamund Pike (based solely on scuttlebutt)
13. Worst Adaptation of the Name Susan – In The Godfather. When Vito Corleone’s henchman Luca Brasi tells the Godfather, “I am honored to be invited to your daughter’s wedding. Thank you Don “Susan” Corleone.
14. Worst Play on Words When Louis B Mayer won an Oscar – Making Him an Oscar-Mayer Weiner
15. Best Director – That Amazon guy who directs all those packages to their destination so rapidly and accurately. Whoa – can that guy direct or what! Although I hear what he really wants to do, is act.
16. Best Casting – When Dr. William Bailey reset and splinted Tom Cruise’s broken ulna on the set of Mission Impossible

Renamed Categories

17. Best Actor Award has been renamed: Best Acting by Someone with a Penis
18. Best Actress Award has been renamed: Best Acting by Someone with a Vagina
19. Best Foreign Film has been renamed: An OK Immigrant Movie Possibly Filmed by Undocumented Cinematographers
20. Best Costume Design has been renamed: Cool Ass Period Clothing by Either a Straight Woman or a Gay Guy

Notes: Eligibility for the In Memoriam section has been lowered to include people that are very sick.  

One of a kind statue. In fact it’s eunuch.

Notes from the Self-congratulatory

1. Glenn Close lost for Best Supporting Actress. She was close though. She always is. After all, she is Glenn Close.
2. It was later revealed she declined a marriage proposal from Glen Campbell because she didn’t want to be known as Glenn Campbell.
3. The rudderless, host-less ceremony had former hosts Bob Hope, Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal spinning in their graves. And even though Billy Crystal is still alive, he was so offended he went out and bought a casket just so he could spin in sympathy with Hope and Carson.
4. WTPC (Way Too Politically Correct): If you looked closely you could see that all the Oscar statuettes were wearing little tiny masks
5. In what can only be recognized as the 2^nd sign of the apocalypse, the queen of cinema, Meryl Streep was neither nominated nor in attendance. Be worried. Be very worried.
6. Best Picture winner Nomadland surprised, but did not anger little children, who when asked their thoughts said, “Me surprised, but no mad.”
7. Maybe I’m getting old (alright I am getting old), but I didn’t know 90% of the attendees in the audience. I’ve never seen so many strangers on camera since they showed a crowd shot of the Super Bowl. Would large print name tags be so god awful?
8. Sir Anthony Hopkins, who won for Best Actor, was a no-show. Rumour (yes, the English spelling)…Rumour has it he was holed-up with Ms. Streep. Now I’m just in outright panic mode.
9. I propose next year’s show be more of an extravaganza hosted by the descendants of Hollywood mogul Louis B Mayer. That way it would be an Oscar-Mayer production. Hot Dog! Now I’m in picnic mode.

“Happy to have made my acquaintance and so will you.”

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has awarded a special Oscar to dogs for their convincing portrayal of man’s best friend. Other creatures in the Animal Kingdom felt slighted by their exclusion, but admitted, “We can’t compete with those lovable brownnosers. They just completely rollover for humans. Literally. And once you start rubbing their belly and they begin that cutesy spastic leg kick….we’re toast. It’s no wonder they get all the chew toys they want. Like they need any more. As it is now the males carry around their favorite chew toy with them full time .” Read the rest of this entry »