Posts Tagged ‘religion’

1. 

   Half-baked ice cream meets my half-baked idea for a divinely inspired, holier-than-heck, frozen dessert. 

   Amish Barn Raisin’ – A very sober version of Rum Raisin

2. Quakers ‘n Cream – Vastly superior to Quakers ‘n Oats
3. Chunky Catholic – Ben & Jerry say they conceived of this ice cream immaculately. It’s filled with chunks of guilt, ribbons of redemption and dollops of dogma. Made from the milk of baptized cows, this ice cream is so decadent that eating it is actually a confessable sin: “Bless me father for I have licked.” 
4. Episcopal Popsicles – A tasty treat for the Frozen Chosen
5. The Nifty Swifties – No one can resist our new Overlord. She comes plain or dipped in sequins.
6. Televangelist Dough – Oh they’re rollin’ in it.
7. Pralines ‘n Puritans – You can tell which are which by licking them
8. Amish Garcia – Get your pious Grateful Dead fix satisfied with a sober scoop of this clear-eyed version of Cherry Garcia
9. Pentecostal Pecan – So good you won’t bother speaking in tongues; you’ll start licking in them
10. Rosicrucian Crunch – Mostly Boneless Ice Cream. An acquired taste. Like most religions, it’s usually acquired from your parents.
11. Rocky Road to Heaven – ♫You’re going to find your way to heaven is a rough and rocky road, if you don’t stop and smell the Rose-icrucians along the way♫
12. Heathen Heath Bar Toffee – Popular with Atheists. It’s topped with a blast of blaspheme and tastes positively sacrilicious.
13. Amish Cheesecake – I never thought the two could mix (the austere and the temptress). Comes with a racy Amish calendar in which some of the women appear bonnetless.
14. Russian Orthodox ‘n Hydrox – A smash up of the Eastern Coptic Church and proto-Oreos. A precursor to Oreos ‘n Cream. Not advised for those who are Putin-intolerant
15. Branch Davidian w/Cashews, Walnuts, Pecans etc. – As you might expect this Branch Davidian sect is absolutely filled with all kinds of nuts
16. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ice Cream – A frozen confection for disbelieving atheists
17. Double Dutch Reformed Church – This tasty little number is served in a little wooden shoe
18. Blended Mormon Clusters – Somehow manages to marry several individual flavors into one big happy family
19. Creaminess Is Next to Godliness – A heavenly ice cream from God’s lips to your cone
20. Hedonism – When the only thing you can’t resist is temptation.
21. Romulus and Remus Ripple – Rome’s founders will melt your heart and all over your hand if you don’t slurp them up lickety-split.

The following flavors are in the planning stages:

1. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
2. Jehovah’s Goiter
3. Jehovah Falls Down Goes Plop
4. Seventh Day Adventist
5. Third Trimester Adventist
6. Second Semester Dentist
7. Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please post on my wall a jpg of a whale with the comment, “I think Cephalopods have a swell head,” then (and only then) can we remain friends.
8. Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears, Oh My!
9. The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians…and the women who love them.
10. OMGs – filled with Emojis and acronyms
11. Vanilla Sex – Try it. A classic. It’s made with Love 

Alright, 21 full-fledged flavors and 10 flavors in the formulation stage is probably enough ice cream for one sitting. If you can find more flavors, that will be a scoop.

Tidy little bullet points. Creating an illusion of:
Ο Order
Ο Harmony
Ο Linear Perfection

Ο

Ο     

Ο     The sweet adage “Make love, not war” has been dismissed as an impractical pipe dream, but it does beg the question: Would we rather be at each other’s throats, or at each other’s gonads? And as I look around at my fellow man I think the answer is obvious. War it is!

Ο     It is often remarked by Culinary Anthropologists that some under-served populations do not have easy access to nutritious and affordable food. This condition is known as living in a food desert. For research-funding purposes however, this “condition” is sometimes rebranded as a “Food Desert Syndrome” – syndrome being a weighty term used by professors to in elevate “crappy grocery stores” to a social calamity so significant that they qualify for a National Science Foundation grant and can earn a 6-month sabbatical to study this self-created geography. Read the rest of this entry »

Best Seats in the House for Free Can’t Stem the Tide of Fan Apathy. Above: The faithful showing up in drove for Sunday services. But wait! There’s hope.

Including the NFL, there are almost 1200 religions in the world. And except for the NFL, all are having difficulty filling their stadiums as disenchanted fans abandon their seats for more secular pursuits. Religions  are competing for an ever dwindling number of newcomers and are having a tough time with their sales pitch as potential recruits demand more than vague promises of security and rapture:

“The truth is ours,” says the Mennonite. And we immediately think, “Isn’t mennonite an element in the Periodic Table?”

“We desire nothing,” peaceably declares the Buddhist beautifully attracting us with their completion backwards principle.

“I am infallible.” The Pope decrees. And we immediately think, “That’s nice Mr. Pope, but I’m due back on the planet earth now.”

“Why am I even in this conversation,” sayeth the atheist. Read the rest of this entry »