Posts Tagged ‘test’

1. Womanicotti – It’s much curvier than Manicotti, and more considerate too
2. Tonytoni – A street-smart pasta, shaped like Tony Danza
3. Buttaroni – A favorite of the Kardashians
4. Angel Nose Pasta – As you can well imagine, it smells heavenly
5. Bolo Tie Pasta – Far from Farfalle, it’s popular with cowboys
6. Knocky – Not Gnocchi, but similar
7. Cavatelli Savalas – Shaped like Kojak’s chrome dome
8. Testicallini – Usually served in pairs
9. Spaghetti F’s – If you liked Spaghetti O’s, you’ll love Spaghetti F’s. They are F’n good
10. Vomitcelli – This pasta often comes-up in conversation, and in actuality too
11. Microroni – Macaroni’s tiny little brother.

Buon Appetito Everyone!

 

Omitted

1. Lunguine – We can all breathe a little easier with this pasta shape
2. Service Dog Pasta – The world weary draw nutritional and emotional support while chowing down on pasta in the shape of service dogs
3. Angel Hair – A classic
4. Angel Pubic Hair – A curlicue classic. Did you know, that every time someone starts a podcast, an angel loses their pubic hair
5. Crazo – If you like Orzo you’ll love this looney tunes pasta
6. Crackatini –Not trying to be cheeky here, butt they’re Derriere-licious.
7. Scrotatelli – Much like ravioli, a pillowy pouch suitable for stuffing with meat or cheese
8. Tamponelli – People seem to use it about the same time each month.
9. Groinacolli – Favorite pasta of crotchety old men
10. Spermacetti – Make up your own joke (there’s only 5000)

 

Everyone thought this batch of newly birthed jokes were unrelated – orphaned one-offs tossed out into the jokesphere by any number of anonymous quipsters. However, through forensic jokenetic testing, 23 and Me proved beyond a cackle of doubt that all these jolly jests had a common ancestor – me. Each quip had my unique comedic markers: too clever for their own good, amusing without being actually funny and mildly offensive without being redeeming.

 

I was initially chagrined by the charges brought in the Joketernity suit. And I vowed with insincere legalistic platitudes to “Vigorously defend my innocence and show that blah, blah, blah…” But now, having read the outstanding material contained in the suit, all I can say is…guilty as charged. I accept 23 and Me’s ironclad verdict. And since I am a responsible comedy writer, I’ll raise them as my own and pay joke support for each and every gag my fertile mind conceived. I don’t want these orphaned witticisms growing-up out on the streets, hustling for cheap laughs or getting enticed into a van by an evil jokenapper and being taken to a secondary location for hours of meaningless canned laughter.

 

As part of a joke-bargaining agreement I reached with the Court Jester, the court sentenced me to the opposite of a Gag Order. I was issued a Publicize Order, so my offspring jokes would see the light of day and be broadcast to as many people as possible. I’ve consented to take my offspring out on visitation days and expose them to a polite and chuckling society. In keeping with the spirit of this sentence I herewith, forthwith, and with withering wherewithal present my witticisms to the world.

 

Like a vegetarian mathematician, may these jokes be fruitful and multiply:

 

These are All My Children

 

The Lambshank Redemption

 

Lambshank Prison: Prison dieticians who fed prisoners shredded coconut found their recidivism rate no different from prisoners who were fed slivered almonds; thus concluding, “They’re both kinda nuts.” Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve always believed in the Native American notion that allowing someone to take your photograph is tantamount to letting them steal your soul. So you can imagine how I felt when I was forced (as a condition of employment) to submit a DNA sample (a small vial of saliva) to 23andMe for a complete genetic workup and public posting of my innermost helixes. I couldn’t avoid the molecular invasion fast enough. Not wanting to appear fickle, I sent them a sample – of my female cat’s saliva for DNA testing. Getting a thimble of cat saliva is no small feat in itself and perhaps worthy of a Nobel Prize for Expectorating.  

In any event I think the feline saliva sample may have skewed the results. The following is 23andMe‘s report:

 

Dear Mr. Hardiman,

23andMe has successfully processed the genetic material in your saliva sample and we can unequivocally issue the following findings; some of which are extremely surprising for a 57 year old Caucasion man. We are pleased to present the following results for David Hardiman – BA4956891376:

• DNA evidence strongly suggests you possess at least 8 more lives
• Genetic markers indicate your bathroom habits, while generally hygienic, are unorthodox to say the least.
• In coding your spiritual identity, it appears you are monotheistic and not pantheistic i.e., you seem to worship one really big ball of yarn rather than several smaller ones.
• You’re very needy. Well kneady actually. You tend to fluff your pillow for a full 30 seconds before settling into it.
• Hippocampus genes indicate you’re very comfortable being referred to as a “pussy.” In fact you seem to prefer it.
• DNA torsion modeling of your vertebrae indicates you are the only human ever able to lick the middle of his back
• In addition to your 2 regular nipples, you seem to also have 4 superfluous one.
• Based on tendon and ligament DNA, we estimate you should be able to long jump at least 94 feet.
• Not sure where we’re getting this one, but it appears your favorite form of transportation is to be picked up by the scruff of the neck and deposited at your destination. 
• Although you claim to be Irish-Italian, your ethnicity is definitely a combination of Persian and Siamese
• While you’re not able to grab things with your tail, you do indeed have one.
• Your 16^th gene indicates you clean yourself by a process of self-bathing. Geneticists refer to this activity as “tongue-in-groove” hygiene.
• Your facial hair is ample, as is your body hair. Your whiskers are few, but very long.
• DNA evidence shows you’ve spontaneously climbed up drapes
• Although at times it may be unasked for, you nonetheless tend to rub up against complete strangers. Unaccountably you seem to receive positive reinforcement for it. #Meowtoo
• It is not advised you French kiss anyone due to the pointy spiracles on your tongue.

If you have any questions about this comprehensive report please contact the 23andMe team. Just send us a note on a scratchpad. Based on our findings we’re sure you have many scratchpads scattered throughout the house.

Thank You for Participating,

Sheila Mangrove PhD

Executive Spit Geneticist

 

The entire adventure ended ironically. Based on 23andMe’s report, DOW Chemical thought I’d make an ideal account executive in the mouse extermination division of their rodent control department.