Archive for February, 2017

Epitaphs in the Cemetery for the Terminally Ironic

  1. Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

    They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.

  2.  

    1. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!

     

    1. Is it me or are you really that tall?

     

    1. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.

     

    1. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler

     

    1. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.

     

    1. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”

     

    1. Death is the ultimate mic drop

     

    1. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.

     

    1. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.

     

    1. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.

     

    1. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”

     

    1. Was privileged to see America made great again.

     

    1. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.

     

    1. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.

     

    1. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.

     

    1. Thanks a lot Obama!

     

    1. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}

     

    1. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.

     

    1. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”

     

    1. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya? 

     

GraveEncounters.com Presents: Personal Ads for Dead People

Good news for dearly departed souls  (seen here jumping for joy). Love never ends. It just changes form.

The matchmakers at GraveEncounters.com have created a corpse-friendly website for those dearly departed souls who are looking for love in the Afterlife. The graveyard has long been a dormant market for swinging singles, but with GraveEncounters.com’s patented NecroLink bandwidth and Blacktooth technology, the recently deceased can now pursue an affair of the heart long after theirs has stopped beating.  

As Celine Dion has so eloquently reminded us: Your heart will go on. And it’s not a cliché. Death won’t still the yearning heart from connecting with the One. Once having crossed over you’ll still retain that powerful urge to merge. And that’s why GraveEncounters.com has carefully screened over 8,000,000 profiles of dearly departed who are just dying to meet you. Alright, that was a cliché, but whether you’re recently deceased or have been a-moldering since before the wheel was discovered, we encourage you to browse our no-obligation preview page to find that special decedent who’s a match made in heaven. Enjoy the convenience of our “Virtual Mortuary” website where calling hours are 24/7. Who knows, maybe you’ll find love and no one will ever again have to pry your lover from your cold dead hands.

GraveEncounters.com: Because love shouldn’t have to end with, “Hey Doc, shouldn’t my liver be on the inside?”

 

A Sampling of Our Member Profiles

1. Lonely zombie seeks brainy type for companionship and more. Definitely more interested in your brains than your body.

 

2. Cryogenically frozen lady seeks a warm-blooded man to melt my cold, cold heart…and my other organs too. Please rescue me. I implore you. Your Ice Princess awaits her Prince Warming. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Corporate America,

This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty. This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes waiting to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty.

It’s time we had a talk. I want you to know I appreciate <insert product or service here>, but that I will never memorize my 12-digit account number. Additionally, I don’t know my password, which has been changed three times in the last year and contains a Capital letter, a Number and a Diacritical mark of some kind so that it looks more like a swear word than a password. Finally I never need to listen closely to your automated phone tree just because “some of our options may have changed.” I never had the original options memorized to begin with and I never will.

Please help me simplify my life by just looking up my name and authenticating me by verifying the answers to my security questions. The answers usually being: “6 months” and “grave robbing.”

And the questions being: How much jail time have you served? and What is your favorite hobby? (Which incidentally is the same reason I did jail time).

If you would do that for me <insert name of corporation here> I would get back the 2 months of my life I’ve spent trying to tell you it really is me.

Now, before you go, if you’d like to take a survey expressing your level of satisfaction with this letter, press 1 for yes. If you don’t press 1 for yes expect another 8 minutes added to your hold time – just sayin’.

Thank You for Listening,

Your Loyal Consumer David Hasenpfeffer

Trump Administration Revamps Executive Branch to Reflect Current Political Realities

Who says you can't teach an old seal new tricks? Who says you can’t teach an old seal new tricks?

In a top to bottom reorganization of the Executive Branch, the Trump Administration began to repurpose cabinet level departments and certain governmental agencies to better reflect their new role in the Oranging of America. The following is a list of rebranded names that more accurately express the new breeze blowing through their corridors:

 

1. After months of DNA testing, The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been demystified and is now called The Tomb of Corporal Larry Weaver

 

2. Department of Labor has been outsourced to India

 

3. The Department of Defense will get back its old swagger and revert to its original name: The Department of War. Spokagandist Sean Spicer remarked, “It’s what the founders would’ve wanted.”

 

4. Department of Health and Human Services is now just an Urgent Care near Baltimore

 

5. The Bureau of Weights and Measures will now be recalibrated and known as The Bureau of Alternative Weights and Approximate Measures

 

6. The Department of Education has morphed into The Ministry of Propaganda Read the rest of this entry »