Archive for 2020

“This is Really Beneath Me,” He Claims. “20,000 Leagues Beneath Me.”

The vanilla frosting covered North Pole in the movie Ice Station Zebra; conveniently relocated to sound stage 27 at 1225 La Cienega Blvd in Los Angeles, CA. Really windy when the fans are turned on.

Because I’m not drawn to drink or drugs, I think I’m more susceptible to other less conventional intoxicants. Case in point – my current addiction to cheesy submarine movies. Whether you consider this peculiar predilection a harmless hobby or a nautical neurosis, I’ll leave to your consideration. I do believe these underwater cinematic spectacles trigger the same neurons in my brain’s pleasure center that are triggered by drugs and alcohol in normal people like you (this may be assuming a lot). I’m as happy as a clam, sitting at attention in my marine mancave, watching soldierly submariners behaving like dutiful amphibians. My life coach says these cheesy submarine movies are beneath me, and she’s right. In one movie they’re 20,000 leagues beneath me.  

Don’t you find the term “cheesy” to be a lactose intolerant word? Your cheese is my caviar and I’ve found great happiness in those little underwater fish ova. Underwater things speak to me. Maybe I’m all wet on this issue, but where computers see a binary world of ones and zeros, I see a binary world of submarine movies and not submarine movies. I cannot fathom anything deeper than 2 categories of things. To my way of thinking you’re either part of the submarine movie universe or you’re just…the rest of universe. In the former category you’re part of the solution. In the latter you’re part of the problem. I consider myself a high-functioning person, if only because my 7-layer dip does not contain mulch as one of its layers. However, when I initially encounter a person, place or thing to be categorized, the first question I ask myself is: Does this thing serve the cause of the submarine movie universe; or is it just part of the boring, everyday cosmos? I ponder this question while figuratively submerged beneath the waves in my marine-like mancave.

Don’t you find the term “mancave” to be a caveman intolerant word? It can sound so unkind to a Neanderthal’s hairy ear. In any event, my marine mancave is like a magical aquarium outfitted with artifacts to render my above-ground underwater experience arrestingly authentic. And true to my submarine ways, I’ve spent money on it like a drunken sailor. There’s a sunken treasure chest, bio-luminescent lighting, a little bubbling man in a diving suit and some fishnets. Not the kind of fishnets to catch fish, but the kind of fishnets women wear to catch men – I mean I am a male and this is my manspace I’ve outfitted to suit my interests. And I employ the word “outfitted” with great binary precision. You see women decorate. Men outfit.  

Don’t you find the term “outfitted” to be a female intolerant word. Alright, I’ll stop with this running “intolerant” trope. Even I can’t tolerate it anymore. I guess that makes me intolerant of intolerance. But as I claimed earlier, I am high-functioning. I know the difference between being entertaining, and being repetitive. As I said earlier, I know the difference between being entertaining and being repetitive.

Rules of the Sea

 In order to qualify as a submarine movie, the film must feature, present or promote the following mandatory items: 

1. All sailors must have a visible arc of armpit sweat extending from the front of the shoulder to the back of the shoulder – even if they’re shirtless. 
2. For reasons known only to the tobacco industry, smoking in this confined, underwater gas chamber is not only allowed, but is encouraged. Hence the slogan: Join the Navy and get 3 lifetimes of tar in just one 3-month deployment.
3. All food is “chow” and served by a grizzled yet lovable mess cook, Sergeant Falco, who plates everything with a side of cigarettes and a dash of armpit sweat.
4. There must be a fraught scene where perspiring midshipmen gaze anxiously at the ceiling for what seems like an eternity as they await the latest detonation in a barrage of enemy depth charges. And when they do explode, they must make sudden phony movements in one direction as the hull absorbs yet another powerfully bogus explosion.
5. Smiling is prohibited (unless it’s ironic).
6. There must be some recognizable, but out of place actor in it – like Don Rickles, Wally Cox or Trini Lopez (oh, what that man could do with a hammer).
7. At some point an exasperated ensign exclaims, “I didn’t sign up for this sh*t.” He’s soon reminded he did indeed sign up for it. For a 4-year hitch.
8. At some point the hull will be breached and there’ll be a containable, yet harrowing flood in which 2 superfluous seamen (they didn’t have speaking parts) drown.
9. In the mandatory scene where the sub and its crew are plummeting to a potentially watery grave after taking one too many enemy depth charges, you realize it’s not their destiny to die yet. These men have got packs of unlit cigarettes to smoke and hampers of sweat-stained uniforms to launder.
10. There’ll be a lot of eerie sonar pings indicating we’re underwater and it’s a submarine movie. No pongs, just pings.

What’s in a Name

All submarine movies except one are about high stakes, underwater peril in the midst of mortal conflict. I’ll give you a moment to think which one that is. OK. Times up. It’s Yellow Submarine. Other submarine movie titles (some real, some perhaps invented) include:

1. Ice Station Zebra – A wondrously vague military moniker laid athwart a forbidding Arctic seascape. I’m swooning here. Calgon take me away – to the North Pole!  
2. Run Silent, Run Deep – Starring Burt Lancaster and Clark Gable. My God, 10 minutes in, before Mr. Lancaster even issued the order to “Take ‘er down ensign,” Lancaster had completely chewed the scenery (not an easy thing to do on an all steel boat). His overacting is all too easily criticized, but we owe a great debt to Lancaster, for without his example, William Shatner may never have honed his acting chops. Some say the actual title should be Run Silent, Run Deep, Run as Far Away from Burt Lancaster’s Acting as You Can. Confession: I couldn’t stop watching this underwater thriller. Little known fact: Before there were talkies, there was another Run Silent, Run Deep movie. It told the story of a mute philosopher who pondered profoundly while he jogged – true to its title he would: run silent, run deep. That film fared poorly. Why? – No submarines.    
3. Run Loudly, Run Shallow – This Mel Brooks parody of submarine movies belongs in the kiddie pool. Although the farting scene where, after a dinner of pork and beans the crew fills the submarine with so much noxious gas that they’re forced to surface, is hilarious. The rest of the movie stunk. Well, I guess that makes the entire movie a stinker.
4. Ships Oy Vey! – In this all-Hebraic sequel to the gentile Ships Ahoy! the nascent Israeli Navy is out on patrol everyday but Saturday. Admiral Nimitzowitz insists each sailor trades in their traditional sailor’s hat for a little white yarmulke with a teeny-tiny brim. Trademark Yiddish humor is on display when each deployment to sea is dubbed a “Jews Cruise.” Burt Lancaster visited during filming, but orthodox Jews refused to allow him on the set because, “He’s just too hammy.”  
5. Das Boot – German U-boat flick with plenty of surface tension as well as below surface tension. It starred venerable German actor Klaus Traphobic. Reports say Klaus Traphobic had trouble coping with the cramped quarters on the submarine.
6. Yellow Submarine – This Beatles submarine cartoon was much more upbeat than the Rolling Stones’ Paint It Black Submarine.
7. Up Periscope – This 1959 classic featured the impeccably well-groomed James Garner as Captain Morrel Rectitude. The line defining where Mr. Garner’s hair ended and his neck began is delineated with such expert tonsorial precision that the Navy is able to set their watch to it. In one scene the camera pans slowly over the bunks, and in the background I swore I saw a nude picture of Vivian Vance. Either that or it was a nude picture of Marilyn Monroe with Vivian Vance’s head taped over it. Being out to sea does something to a man’s head. Confession: Watched it twice back to back.
8. Down Periscope – Kelsey Grammer at his pettifogging best in this uneven salmagundi of hijinks and lowjinks. Note: If your lowjinks last longer than 4 minutes, stop watching and call your doctor. Note to the note: The word hijinks is one of those rare words with 3 consecutive dotted letters – like iiicarumba! In Down Periscope, Kelsey Grammer speaks very clearly, but sometimes Kelsey’s grammar ain’t so good.
9. Deep Periscope – Warning. Not a submarine movie, but a XXX sequel to Deep Throat.
10. Gee Your Armpits Smell Terrific – Again, not the kind of movie you’d want to take the family to.
11. The Hunt for Red October & Crimson Tide – 2 Cardinal-colored covert conflicts. Red-shifted wavelengths abound, proving the universe is still expanding. What is the proper length of a wave? Experts say about 3-4 seconds.
12. The Hunt for Red Skelton – When famed comedian Red Skelton fails to show up for a rehearsal, his agent starts looking everywhere for him. He eventually finds him safe and dry at a deli eating a submarine sandwich.   

Leveling-Off at Periscope Depth, Secure Quarters, Insecure Dimes, All Ahead 1/3^rd, Smok’em if Ya Got’em

Watching submarine movies…let me rephrase that, experiencing submarine movies brings me untold joy. I’d like to tell you about it, but then it wouldn’t be untold, would it? It would be “told joy.” And there are 2 things I promised myself early on: 1. I wouldn’t read Tolstoy and 2. I wouldn’t share “told joy.” No Tolstoy, no told joy (try saying that 3 times fast). And if that’s not high-functioning, I don’t know what is. You see in my long pioneering years of social distancing, well before it became popular, I discovered the importance of being scrupulously honest with my readers so I didn’t suffer their social ostracization. Unfortunately, due to my single-minded interest in submarine movies, social ostracization is something I’m all too familiar with. In any event, social ostracization is not to be confused with being oblivious to things by sticking your head in the sand. That’s called social ostrich-ization, and it’s for the birds. But I’m pleased to be able to differentiate the meaning between social ostracization from social ostrich-ization – even though it comes up infrequently. In fact it’s probably never come up until now. And once again I’ve gone overboard here, but going overboard might be appropriate given the nautical topic.   Read the rest of this entry »

Same as it ever was. The neverending urge to merge. 

Despite social distancing, quarantining and living every day like we’re in solitary confinement, we humans (and that’s most of you) remain desirous of intimate company. And although the invisibly menacing world of teeny-tiny viruses stand ready to devastate our dampest membranes (both in the lungs and in the loins), the sexual imperative will not be denied. The God-given urge to get naked with a loved one and perform the Heimlich maneuver is always in vogue – and in many other magazines too. And even though we are aware of the rational arguments against risky exposure, the absurd choreography of human love yearns to perform its irrational dance with a willing partner.

The underachieving and overbearing year of 2020 is driving us crazy. We were underprepared and overwhelmed by the Coronavirus, social injustices and the whole Aunt Jemima thing. By April, most of us were already asking for a “do over.” And as if 2020 hasn’t been cuckoo enough, you know what else drives us crazy? – the sex drive. It doesn’t so much drive us crazy as it drives us to distraction. You don’t even need a license to drive it – hormones will gladly steer the sex drive onto some very sketchy assfault. Since we all feel the urge to merge, it’s best to get a grip on yourself (or at least the steering wheel) and choose the merge lane that feels best for you.

BTW, I’ve never seen a hormone. I’ve heard one. But I’ve never seen one. Read the rest of this entry »

1. 

   130 is the new 75. Former Fine Arts professor Agatha Cranston studied Cezanne – in person.

   Nana with the See-thru Hands – She’s the best, but at this point she’s like looking at an X-ray

2. Insta-Gram – It’s what I called my new grandma when I was first adopted into the family
3. My Inheritance – I love her and everything but c’mon, daddy needs a new Honda
4. Crystal Methuselah – She’s very old and she used to have a little drug problem
5. Prunella – Oh my sweet and shriveled Nana. Why must you age?
6. Grammykins – My cuddly name for her. Especially if the Grammys are on that night.
7. Glam-Ma – She’s still very good-looking. Some friends even tell me she’s a GMILF. Whatever that is.
8. Milky-Eyed Matriarch – I mean whoa…”Got Grandma?”
9. Smells like Geriatric Spirit – Just applying the Nirvana classic to Granny’s unique aroma
10. Runs with Depends – What I call my active Navajo Indian grandmother who likes to jog
11. GrAnnie Oakley – She’s a big 2^nd amendment supporter. It’s like “Granny get your gun.”
12. Still Life with a Heartbeat – She’s a former Fine Arts professor who once studied Cezanne – in person!
13. Gramnesia – She sometimes forgets who I am.
14. Grandmummy – It’s what I call my Egyptian grandma
15. Make Nonni Great Again – She’s losing it and she loves Trump.
16. Nonni Nonni Luftballoons – My German grandma’s whose last name is actually Luftballoon
17. Gram Cracker – Grandma is from the deep South and she holds certain antiquated prejudices
18. Ba-Nana – Her first name Barbara, and she’s a grandma…you do the math.
19. Grandpa – You know how Grandmas tend to grow those chin hairs with age?
20. Kombucha Babushka – My Russian Grandma who drinks healthy beverages
21. ♫Hold Your Head Up, Woman♫ – What can I say? The dear woman’s head lolls to one side.
22. Catena with the Flaring Nostrils – I wish it were different, but she ain’t exactly ♫Nancy with the Laughing Face♫
23. Baba Ganoush – Well, her last name is actually Ganoush, and she likes the eggplant spread too.
24. Drama Grama – She used to teach acting classes so I thought the name fitting
25. My Favorite Neanderthal – She’s really old. Anthropologically old. She still calls the continents Pangea; and Jesus as, “That nice boy from Nazareth.”
26. That musty old woman who once stuck her tongue down my throat – Thank God she was only a Step-Grandmother and not blood.
27. Candy Dish of Interconnected Sweets – So what if she kept an old, dusty dish of hard candy around that, over the years, metastasized into one benign aggregate mass of candy. When she grew up, the woman had no candy.
28. Blue Hair with Feathers – My Cherokee Indian grandmother after the beauty parlor

“Somehow I just cant get it through my head that today is Tuesday.”

It’s called Stir Crazy.
The following is based on surreal events:
So I called 9-1-1.
A machine answered and said, “If this is a medical emergency please hang-up and dial 9-1-1.”
What the…?
This went on for hours.
I mean, this went on 4 hours.

1. Walt Disney – 65, Died peaceably and was cryogenically frozen thus making him a permanent member of Disney on Ice. In a cross-promo of epic proportions, Disney execs say they’ll thaw him out to coincide with the opening of Frozen 3, proving once again that Disney is no Mickey Mouse organization.
2. Giovanni Pietro – 54, designer of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which at that time was simply known as the Tower of Pisa. Always a favorite with the powerful Borgia and Medici families, he leaned slightly towards the Borgias. Mr. Pietro died from a fall at a job site in Verona. Doctors attended to him immediately, but it was too late. One eye was fixed and dilated and the other one read: TILT.
3. Detective John Shaft – 70, Beloved and respected fictional African-American detective. In Isaac Hayes theme song from the movie “Shaft,” he described Detective Shaft as ♫a complicated man♫. In fact Mr. Shaft died from complications of complications. His manager blamed the hospital for substandard care, saying, “He got Shafted.”
4. Jesus Christ – 33, Jewish preacher who developed quite a following in the Middle East (which at the time of his death was simply known as The East). Although paternity tests were inconclusive, his father is believed to be God. His mother Mary, while not quite as accomplished as his father, was no slouch herself and was considered immaculate by contemporaries. Jesus cause of death: Other people’s sins. Apparently he loved his flock so much, he chose to die for them in order to ease their burdens. Just like Shaft, Jesus was also a complicated man. Calling hours every Sunday, forever.
5. Jesus Christ – 33 and a few days. Well, we all thought he was dead the first time, but 3 days later he resurrects himself – like it was a miracle or something. Somehow he opens his tomb from the inside and rises straight up into the sky. It was a risk flying into the sky unmonitored and untracked, but fortunately there weren’t any airplanes back then so the only thing he had to worry about was a bird strike. The consensus was that if he can come back to life and ascend into heaven, bird avoidance might not be much of an issue. His obituary is open-ended pending a promised second tour.
6. Johnny Garza – 62, President of Garza Cement Products died, appropriately enough, from hardening of the arteries. His cardiologist said his arteries were soft and pliant when he came in, but by the time he got on the operating table they had hardened into rock. Attending Dr. Joe Gannon said, “I couldn’t even carve my initials in them – not that I was trying or anything.”
7. Adolph Hitler – 56, From self-inflicted wounds (mostly stupidity). His quaint attempt at sporting a little Charlie Chaplain moustache won him few friends. The decidedly non-Aryan looking and underachieving little corporal from Austria promised the Fatherland a restoration of national pride after his people were ravaged by hyperinflation and all those soft, smelly cheeses from France. He proposed a great network of roads for “People carriages” or “Volks Wagens” as he called them. Hitler also expanded the military as a bulwark against whatever it is you need “bulwarks” for.” All these malefactors were a recipe for calamity. And sure enough his other recipes included such favorites as Polish Blitzkrieg with Pogroms and Russian Blunder à la Napoleon. Not a complicated man – more a misanthropic loser who consolidated power by promising “2 bratwursts in every pot and a Volkswagen in every garage.” The potato farmers and beer-swilling peasants ate it up and the ruling class just couldn’t say no to this latter day charismatic Napoleon. In short order he established the invincible 1000 year Reich, whose invincibility lasted a full 12 years. He was also responsible for Germany’s second catastrophic defeat on the world stage in less than 27 years. As punishment for their bad behavior, the Allies told Germany, “You’re grounded” and sent it to 2 separate rooms for 44 years to reflect on just what they did. Eventually the bedroom Wall came a tumblin’ down and they were ♫reunited and it feels so good♫. Sure he built the autobahns, but Dr. Sigmund Freud believed his road-building scheme was really more Rage-paving than creating productive infrastructure. Dr. Freud thought the whole goose-stepping, Seig Heil thing was just his inner-Nazi acting out. He noted that the only healthy relationship the Fuhrer ever had with a female was with Brunhilde, his German Shepherd. Legend has it Hitler’s last words were, “I’d trade it all for just one more bite of mama’s spoon bread.” Years later Hogan’s Heroes and Mel Brooks would get their revenge on him and we’d all have a good laugh at this evil incarnate. Part of his legacy is that the least popular baby name for the last 80 years has been Adolph. And when was the last time you’ve seen a Hitler in the phone book? In fact when was the last time you’ve seen a phone book?
8. Phillip Seymour Hoffman – 46, Loved his life. Loved his wife. Loved heroin more. Heroin was his heroine. It happens. He’s not alone. Fans who miss him can still feel his presence by staring at his doppelgänger: Jim Gaffigan.
9. Thomas Sheldrake – 35, Died from complications of a bad business plan – owned and operated the Kissing Booth concessions at New Jersey nursing homes.
10. Kate Billups – 32, Pharmacist who enjoyed emptying prescriptions more than she enjoyed filling them. Only person ever to die from an overdose of Lipitor. Her blood became so thin, a paper cut caused her to bleed out. Never really liked her job stating she found, “all those little vials vile.” Strangely she enjoyed the music of Kurt Weill.
11. Wilma Parsons – 71, Ms. Parsons experienced serial gender dysphoria to such a degree, she underwent 4 gender reassignment surgeries. It died a Hermaphrodite attracted mostly to talk shows.
12. Chuck Norris – 80 and counting, Not gonna happen. Death is for mortals.
13. Generalissimo Francisco Franco – 82, Pompous ass. Being called Frank wasn’t good enough for him. Had to be called Generalissimo. Even by his wife while in bed. Well, this was before Viagra, so whatever hardens your arteries is your business. Led the conservative faction to victory in the Spanish Civil War in which thousands were killed including a guy who would’ve perfected Cold Fusion and another who would’ve made bickering obsolete. Thanks Frank.
14. Corey Blaine – 55, A COVID survivor. Ironically he died from suffocation when, after recovery, he put on his thickly protective breathing mask too snugly.
15. Harry Houdini – 52, Died from an overdose of semantics:
Who did?
Houdini did?
Who?
The guy in the trunk?
Harry?
I don’t know if he’s hairy or not, I just call him Houdini.
Who?
The guy in the trunk.
Oh, that’s Dini.
Who Dini?
Exactly.
What?
No, What’s the second baseman.
Well then who’s the guy that drew pictures of people extricating themselves from dangerous situations?
Oh, that’s the Escape Artist.
Who is?
Houdini is.
And I didn’t even know he could draw.

1. 

   While self-quarantining, recreate the mind and the body. And don’t worry, you’ll never miss these sports. body.

   Origami League – As expected, the league folded. That’s all they did. That created a financial problem. So the league just folded.

2. Professional Marbles Association – Not a Coronavirus related closing. They simply lost their marbles. 
3. Jewdo – Martial Arts for Semites. Was never really a hit. The sport was always underfunded as participants refused to pay retail.
4. Competitive Eating Club – This is a tough one to swallow. And I’m sorry I broke the first rule of the Competitive Eating Club which is, “You don’t talk about Competitive Eating Club.”
5. Uphill Skiing League – The league fought gallantly to avoid cancellation, but it was an uphill battle – both ways. 
6. Miniature Golf – No surprise here. Miniature Golf’s fan base had been shrinking for some time.
7. Competitive Balloon Animal-ing – Get this. It’s so popular now, Balloon Animals are actually expanding. Pop Culture I guess.
8. Air Hockey – Face it, the game blows. It has to, otherwise the puck would never elevate. Ironically, now that it’s unplugged, it doesn’t blow anymore.
9. Dwarf Tossing League – Always politically incorrect to begin with, this “He ain’t heavy, he’s my midget” gnome-hurling sport will be downsized and eventually replaced with the bulimic sport of cookie tossing.
10. Professional Snow Writing – Cancelled their season for 2 reasons: 1. Hygiene was always an issue and 2. Whether writing in cursive or block letters, women we’re always at an anatomical disadvantage. (I know… “ewwww” factor)
11. Speed Band-Aid Removal – A marginal sport at best, the Speed Band-Aid Removal owners just felt it was a time to heal rather than peel.
12. Speed Bikini Waxing – Instead of cancelling the season they took the easy way out and just shaved 2 months off it. They said it wasn’t so much a public health issue as it was a pubic health issue.
13. Speed Backstroke Racing – It went belly up.
14. Throwing a Tennis Ball with a Spaghetti Spoon League – The season wasn’t cancelled by dog owners, but by the dogs who no longer wanted to run a 5K just to retrieve some stupid ball. A Spokesdog commented, “Playing ‘fetch’ was fine for 20,000 years. Everyone knew their place. Now we’re supposed to run a marathon while our owners use a frickin’ catapult to throw the ball into the next zip code. Enough already. When we get gray around the snout, tossing a stick 30 feet is fine.”
15. Skeet Shooting Association– Decided to terminate the season in an effort to save dinner plates needed to serve the hungry. Briefly considered using unemployed dwarfs from the Dwarf Tossing League as alternative targets, but dwarf wranglers couldn’t toss them high enough and catapults were unreliable. And yes I do apologize to everyone for #15.
16. Hang Gliding Society – Experienced a fall from Grace. I guess they just couldn’t keep current But seriously, when Grace fell, the hangwriting was on the wall.
17. National Rowing Association – They will continue despite the fact that all rowers have had strokes.
18. National Sculling Association – This more intellectually empowered version of the National Rowing Association will continue their haughty ways even though these scullers are all a bunch of head cases.
19. Upside Down Kayaking in Scuba Gear – Someone loses a bar bet and suddenly there’s a sport. I don’t think so.
20. Major League Archery – Went bankrupt after losing a patent infringement suit to Target
21. Major League Treachery – A reality sport that also went bankrupt after a lawsuit from Arthur Treacher. Remember – Jeeves, Fish and Chips anyone?
22. American Fencing Association – Whether Stockade or Chain Link, they’ve all agreed to suspend operations. I may have mixed my swords with my pickets here. Well hopefully my rapier wit stays intact.
23. Badminton – Unfortunately it’s cancelled. However it will soon be replaced by Goodminton.
24. NERF Ball Stuffing – Not really a spectator sport, it nonetheless suspended operations due to hygienic considerations. Some franchises were folded into the HSL – the Hide the Salami League.
25. Whiffle Ball – The league closed and nobody batted an eye.
26. Waffle Ball – They ran out of dough. Now they’re toast.
27. Competitive Eating Association – Not affiliated with the Competitive Eating Club (which I shouldn’t have talked about in the first place). So what happened to the Competitive Eating Association? – They went belly up.
28. The World’s Oldest Sport – It will remain unaffected. In fact, it will likely increase in popularity because there will be fewer distractions. 
29. Kneeboarding – This water sport got very confusing. Participants thought they had to simulate drowning their knees with washcloths and water.
30. French Fry Bobbing Assoc. – What? You thought I’d create this list and not include this classic? Most participants looked like the Phantom of the Opera
31. American Bungee Jumping Association to Suspend Operations – What else is new. That’s all they did. Suspend operations.
32. Pro Bowlers Association – Couldn’t spare a dime and now they’re on
33. Free Climbing Kirstie Alley – The sport ended when Ms. Alley discovered 3 climbers at Base Camp, swinging from her hips.
34. Full Contact Chess – Sport was driven from the field when complaints rose from other less protected pieces about why the Knights got to wear helmets and everybody else was subject to CTE. One of the Bishops piped up, “I feel like such a pawn.” Another Bishop, already late for an appointment while finishing his Guinness at a pub said, “Check mate?”
35. English Steeplechase – Sport closed down when it was discovered that steeples didn’t run…and therefore certainly didn’t need to be chased.
36. Dressage – Isn’t dressage what RuPaul and his TV friends do? Am I confusing it with drag racing?
37. Equestrian – Closed up much to my chagrin. And I thought, “This is the dawning of the Age of Equestrian.
38. Spearfishing (The Angry Anglers) – This sport died from a self-inflicted puncture wound. Note: The one time I went spearfishing I did pretty well. I caught 5 spears. 1 asparagus, 1 Britney and 3 regular. Next time I went ice fishing and caught 10 cubes. Nearly drowned trying to cook them.
39. International Cow Tipping Society – The sport of cow tipping was disbanded when cows began demanding unaffordable 40 and 50% tips. The president of the society explained, “What irony. The cows we’re actually milking us.”
40. Australian Rules Hurling – I knew this one wouldn’t last too long. Who wants to watch a bunch of burly guys throwing up – and upside down to boot? Very disturbing.
41. Rhythmic Gymnastics – We all know what “rhythmic gymnastics” is a euphemism for. This oldest sport known to man is best left to lovers in the bedroom.
42. Patty Cake League – The Patty Cake League closed shop when the Baker’s man pay was cut. He considered it a slap in the face and began baking cakes slowly. The whole Patty Cake thing just didn’t work after that. They tried to secretly resurrect themselves as the Pat-A-Cake League, but people could hear this dog whistle. Besides, by then people had moved on to fist bumps.
43. Kick Boxing Club – It seems participants didn’t like the possibility of receiving a blunt force roundhouse kick to the head with enough kinetic energy to dislodge the nose of George Washington from Mount Rushmore. The club tried to cushion the blows by using a kind of boxing gloves for the feet, but kick boxers looked plain silly – tramping around like prancing dogs when you put booties on them. And I know…I’m breaking the first rule of Kick Boxing Club by talking about them.
44. Even Unparallel Bars – Too iconoclastic. Andy Warhol’s answer to the uneven parallel bars served no practical purpose other than to be provocative and to remind us that “This is not here.” Life is confounding enough.

Financial and moral bankruptcy makes Catholic Church ripe for the plucking.

In an unlikely marriage of high tech and high mass, Google Inc. has vowed to purchase the 2000 year old Christian start-up and convert it from a parochial relic of medieval luminosity, to a go-to search engine of latter day enlightenment. In other words to reimagine the Church, not as some vestigial sanctuary of last resort, but as a relevant refuge of first resort – and without all the resort fees.

Google promises to create an online spiritual haven far beyond the binary limitations of earthly design – a transformative resort where true seekers can purge themselves of barnacled beliefs and pardonable, but entrenched assumptions in preparation for boundary-dissolving experiences. These experiences, they say, will illuminate both the poignancy and absurdity of life’s predicament. And Google hopes to accomplish all this, not with a prophet, but at a profit.

Some say we should genuflect to our digitally savvy superiors and welcome them with a hearty “All hail the coming of our spiritual overlord – Wi-Fi? Why not?”  More cautionary voices insist we, “Slow down there Mr. Univac. Your glorified abacus is just an electronic toy here to serve us. Remember, you’re made in God’s image and not vice-versa.” These are the typical binary talking points you get on earth whenever transformative change is in the air.

Reflecting the volatility of their proposed purchase, Google’s bid was not filed with the SEC, but rather with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Crosses – or as it more commonly appears in writing: The Bureau of AT&✝. In their bid, Google pledges to create a welcoming, spiritual resort that honors all paths and not just the ones that hold rummage sales in church basements. A place where worshipers feel they’re on vacation instead of on trial. No longer will adherents have to nourish their souls on the stale, old piety of centuries old dogma. The Church, reborn under a new rubric, will become a divine haven where spiritual gamers (Google’s nomenclature for parishioners) can now operate in a cosmic resort of first resort. Read the rest of this entry »