Author Archive

• Archimedes, angered at misplacing his toga, exclaims “Eureka, I have lost it!”
• Archimedes math problems keep multiplying
• Archimedes says he’s screwed! (think, think, that’s it. You have found it!)
• It has been determined that William Shatner’s body is 95% ham
• The bark of Dogwood trees is ruff
• Self-Check Out is very popular these days. In fact, hip psychologists now refer to suicide as Self-Check Out.
• “Someday it’s gonna be 50 years from now.” I said that on New Year’s Day in 1976.
• I have no idea what “brioche” is
• Overheard in a Starbucks. A Latte complaining to a Frappuccino about the unearned popularity of a new drink: “That’s all I hear these days, ‘Macha, Macha, Macha!'”

1. Louis XIV Presents: Jerk du Soleil
2. Just Jest I Guess
3. Surely You Joust (And stop calling me Joust…I mean surely)
4. Clowns to the Left of Me Jokers to the Right, Here I am Stuck in the middle with me
5. Oh how we love whatever God, our King tells us to Worship: And other ways to avoid beheading
6. Taylor Swift CPA: The IRAs Tour (Not a show, but a symposium on how peasants can retire early)
7. I Dream of Smallpox: Where to turn when the Plague is getting you down
8. Take My Common-Law Wife, Please!
9. J’ever notice how everybody’s starving cuz there’s no food: And other Silly Observations
10. Vlad the Impaler really Skewers his audience (not suitable for the blood averse)
11. “I can Sever that Head in 3 Whacks” Things frequently said on the “Name that Executioner” show
12. Soot: It’s NOT a Performance in Black Face, it’s just that our faces are so dirty. Soap has not been invented yet.

1. There shall be established one approved name for all grandmothers, and it shall be Nonni.
2. The Olsen Files to be released: It shall be publicly posted why Susan Olsen (little Cindy Brady) did not participate in the first Brady reunion movie. It’s been 38 years. The public has waited long enough.
3. Ken Burns shall make a 30 hour 10-part documentary on the history of balloon animals
4. Airport Lactation Stations shall time-share as Adult Visitation Cubicles
5. If you think it’s butter, but it’s snot…It’s Chiffon
6. Those who delayed the manufacture of mustard and ketchup bottles from being made in the handier cap side down manner, shall be brought to justice. If found guilty, they shall be hung by their feet…till all the fluid rushes to their heads.
7. The Road to Hell shall henceforth be paved with Amazon gift cards

In Order to Form a More Perfect Onion

8. Young people must experience one day per year where they become their 80-year-old self. Until age 60. Then they get one day at 20.
9. It shall be understood that the use of lead pipes caused the downfall of the Roman Empire. So too shall it be recognized that the advent of the Toaster Pastry has done similarly toWestern Civilization
10. In order to strengthen the moral fiber of this country, all thong bikinis are hereby outlawed (unless you happen to be walking by me)
11. Performative tests will be undertaken to determine if “Visine really does get the Red out.”
12. Henceforth, the word “performative” shall be outlawed
13. Be it known, Peeps may be classified as Service Animals and brought aboard hovercraft or other marine conveyances
14. All Bitcoins shall be filled with chocolate and covered in gold foil and given to nephews by uncles

Edited out Dirty Ones:

8. All men shall be barred from saying to any woman, “I’d really like to get to know your inner circle.”
9. Similarly, all women shall be barred from saying to any man, “I’d really like to help me lift your manhole cover.”

1. Nomads excel at anger management
2. Czechs use Venmo
3. The Assyrians were just regular Syrians, but with really big asses
4. The Finnish are done
5. In Warsaw they Pole dance
6. The Sea Anemone is the enemy of the Yemini
7. Q: If you go into a bathroom an American, and come out an American, what are you when you’re in there?
    A: European
8. There was a time all Cavemen lived in Man Caves, but not by choice
9. Loony people from the Amazon are called Brazil nuts
10. Loony people from Wales are called Walnuts

<You deserve a break>

11. People from Wales who don’t repay money they owe, Welsh on their loans
12. Japanese, Chinese and American knees all operate the same way.
13. Bedouins love mattress sales
14. In Kashmir they buy cashmere with mere cash
15. Swedish people are so saccharine. And I think that’s kinda sweet-ish
16. Is Israel really real? It is real. I mean, it Israel.
17. Never take Stonehenge for granite
18. Romans are now stationary. And yet they’re always roamin’
19. We could go, or we Kuwait. Your choice
20. Islamabad, and it’s not getting any better

<One more pit stop>

21. ♫Here’s to the New Delhi…Same as the Old Delhi♫
      Well at least the New Delhi has vegan options.
22. Newfoundland. “Hey look, we found new land. Great. Let’s pronounce it ‘New Findland.’”
23. Yukon be serious. I’ll have Nunavut.
24. Iraq my brain and I still can’t figure an easy way to say, “I’ve jogged?” “Well, how about Iran?”
25. No one stops talking in Babylon. They just babble on and brook no nonsense.

Not part of the list, but I understand sometimes rust does sleep.

 

When you’re voluntarily imprisoned in an airliner – buckled up and cinched in, seatback and tray table in the upright and locked position – one’s prevailing reality can change quickly. While you’re optimizing the miserly 11 cubic feet of space you’re allotted, seemingly trivial matters can swell into a wave of overwhelming stuff – a tsunami of tstuff that’s difficult to tsurf. Normally, a stable mentality can calmly navigate these matters. Then there’s me. Who, in this instance, managed to elevate what should’ve been a trivial custodial chore (tossing away a sliver of trash) into a Force 5 psychotic event.

 

 

My Tale of Airborne Angst

There’s something pacifying about having limited choices when airborne. You understand and are even comforted by these boundaries – like how a dog feels in its crate. I’m content to inhabit this space where you don’t have to contend with nagging nuisances. You’re just flying from point A to point B. There’s nothing to fuss over as you relax into your airborne limbo. And due to these pleasantly straitened circumstances, your life becomes simpler and naturally decluttered – like a cerebral cleansing where all the detritus of the day is blown away into the purifying Jetstream.

 

In these high-flying situations of clarity, little things mean a lot – a whole lot. And, in this case, a whole lot became way too much. At least it did for me. Because within this soothing swirl of airborne simplification I began hatching conspiracies where none existed. My susceptible mind became perturbed and, much to my chagrin, a bite-sized quibble, grew into an inedible hunk-a, hunk-a burnin’ hysteria. Allow me to explain.

 

Once upon a time, on a long flight to Maui, I had finished my Snyder’s Pretzel snack (good) and now I had that nasty little bag to discard (bad). Somehow, I failed to notice my flight attendant’s garbage run, as Gale darted down the aisle like a speedy donation collector at a big box church. How could I miss her billowing white Hefty bag signaling it’s time for the flock to donate their wretched refuse? Then again, maybe it was a Glad bag and not a Hefty bag. It all happened so fast I couldn’t be sure, and lord knows I have enough baggage of my own to deal with. Of course, the need for certainty on such a piddling issue like this Glad vs. Hefty baggage meant only one thing: I was deep down a rabbit hole, and my susceptible mind was now officially perturbed. For all I know, the garbage bag Gale whisked by me could’ve been a Kirkland brand. Yup, I was down a rabbit hole deeper than Alice in Wonderland. Pull up Hardiman, pull up!     Read the rest of this entry »

Disclaimer/Preamble/Full Disclosure: In this mostly fictionalized account of his life and times, I do little justice to William of Occam. But the present need for necessary distraction being so great, combined with my desire to provide such vital distraction; a gathering storm has arisen, and the approaching precipitate is set to rain all o’er you. And while I may deceive myself into believing I write these stories for some higher purpose, they usually end up triggering the same pleasure centers in the brain that are fired by cat videos. So although I do aim high, I generally hit rather low and end up hitting the funny bone in such a way that it gets tickled. To wit:

 

The Duke of Occam was a real guy who lived from 1287-1347, or should I say subsisted from 1287-1347 – it still being quite primitive in the last decades of the Dark Ages. In those bleak times a streaming service meant paying someone to ferry you across a river. It was a benighted time – I mean the spatula hadn’t even been invented yet, and people were so dumb, sometimes they forgot how to exhale and would die from asphyxiation. The breathing-challenged were advised, “Help is coming, but don’t hold your breath.” And the help finally did come in the form of Rudolph Heimlich of Nuremberg, who saved thousands by imparting his now famous maneuver for combatting “stuck diaphragm.”

 

Set against this squalid backdrop, the Duke of Occam managed to enjoy his life as a celebrated philosopher, as well as a despotic landowner. Remember, the idea of “benevolence” didn’t really develop until the arrival of the Renaissance in the 15^th century, and “despotic” had not yet become a disparaging term. It was just a standard issue descriptor of all landlords in that era. If you were a landlord in the 14^th century, the only template available was to act despotically. There was no room for wannabe despots in the cozy little Landlord’s Guild – unless you wannabe drummed out for lack of depravity.

 

If you yearned to behave benevolently in the 1300s, you’d be best advised to ferment mead in a monastery or spend 3 weeks trying to artistically compose a calligraphic “G” at the beginning of a Bible manuscript. Help was on the way here too, courtesy of another German polymath named Johannes Gutenberg who invented the printing press round about 1440. So, while the Duke of Occam’s full-time job may have been to despotically oppress the faceless masses he lorded over, he also had an emerging benevolent side that expressed itself through philosophy; and that’s how he came to formulate the clunky principle eponymously referred to as Occam’s Razor – more on that later. Read the rest of this entry »

1. Spelt, Millet and Amaranth: A Celebration of Ancient Grains
2. American Hammertoe: Tendon Lock in the Distal Phalanx
3. Greek Mythology: A Bunch of Made-up Stuff Not Worth Knowing
4. “Everything OK Hun?”: The Adorable Way in Which Husbands Try to Participate in Their Marriages
5. Thump, Thump, Thump: When the Washing Machine is Imbalanced
6. Elon Musk: The Man, the Fragrance
7. Salt, Sugar and Fat: The Making of President William Howard Taft
8. America’s Sinkholes: A Study in Spontaneous Depressions
9. Outcasts, Hermits and Loners: The Sad Few Among Us Who Do Not Have a Podcast.

***********And 2 Politically Incorrect Ones**************

10. A Fresh Look at the World’s Most Popular Canal: The Vaginal Canal
11. When Man First Began Walking Erect: The Origin Story of Homosexuality

Lest you think it wasn’t God’s intention for man to eat in the sky, there is biblical precedence for it. So it is written in Ezekiel 1:15:

 

And so it came to pass that Ezekiel saw the wheel

Way up in the middle of the air

And he saw that it was good

And was glad he had ordered the kosher meal

 

Dumb people (and there are far too many) often invoke Philistine logic when they say, “If man were meant to fly, he’d have wings.” Smart people (and there simply aren’t enough) counter, “Well we do have wings and they’re not so much God-given as they are Boeing-given.” And this discussion in comparative intelligence brings us to today’s topic: Air Fare, Pie in the Sky, Elevated and Plated. In other words, high-flyin’ airline dinin’.

 

Humans (which are found everywhere except for certain parts of Moscow) celebrate and appreciate the bonanza that food provides. Eating is such a vital event that a grateful public often takes a reverent moment to say grace before dining. Others adopt a more brutish view of the pre-meal benediction and gruffly declare, “OK peeps, dig in” or “Hey Brenda, you got any more a those hot sauce packets?” But regardless of whatever ceremony is performed before dining, most meals are taken in a chair while sitting at a table. And this is true whether dining in an airplane or in a kitchen. Again, in a biblical way; as above, so below. Except when you’re dining above, you’re 8 miles high and traveling at 450 kts, so it’s not exactly, “as above so below.” In any event, let’s examine the “above” part as we explore Fare in the Air.

 

 

A True Change in Cabin Pressure as Your Plane Transforms into a High Stress Restaurant

 

Once meal service is announced an aircraft converts from a sophisticated airborne passenger delivery system to a sophisticated airborne food delivery restaurant. Flight attendants transform into glorified waitresses working the front of the house and pilots on the flight deck become the kitchen staff, quietly managing the back of the house even though they have no duties as assigned. It’s a restaurant in the sky as its passengers become fuselage food fans. Meal service is a very welcome hour intrusion into a multi-hour flight. A complete distraction from your inner dialogue continually asking you, “Are we there yet?”

 

Are You a Fuselage Foodie? A Sampling of Airline Cuisine

 

Air Jordan

There’s a new Middle Eastern Airline called Air Jordan (not affiliated with Nike). They offer a Hummus Snack Tray that comes with dates. However, if you’re in a committed relationship and you don’t want any dates, you can order one with just crackers. Additionally, if you’re hummus-phobic, or, on the advice of a physician, are on a mashed chickpea-free diet, you can order your Hummus Snack Tray without a trace of enthusiasm.

 

Air Jordan is also experimenting with a regional take on the all-time breakfast favorite of ham and eggs. It’s seasoned for the Arabic tongue and is called Hamas and Eggs. A happy meal version for kids is flavored with storybook charm. It’s called Green Hamas and Eggs. There’s also the Bottomless Bowl of Hezbollah filled with shredded promises and candied Kalashnikovs. Air Jordan was said to be kitchen-testing a seafood dish but cancelled it after discovering the Jihad had had haddock. They continue to reach out to the Jewish state in a gastronomic way with Air Jordan CEO Phil Knight (not that Phil Knight) saying, “The thing of it is is, is Isreal willing to eat baba ganouje?”  

 

United Airlines

The kitchens of United Airlines are formulating a hemispherically appropriate continental breakfast. The continental breakfast items depend on the continent you happen to be flying over. If you’re over an ocean they won’t serve it at all, if you catch my continental drift. When United is flying from South America to North America, they sometimes abruptly swap out their continental breakfast causing a major continental plate shift from croissants and jam to yogurt parfaits. Oh and BTW, I encourage everyone to fly United, because no one wants to fly apart.

 

Aer Lingus

This Hibernian national airline serves a very traditional 7-course Irish meal. It’s a baked potato and a six pack. And it’s served without irony.

 

DebonAir

This opulent airline merged with the snooty French airline Savior Faire Air in 2018. They only offer 1^st class seating. Upon boarding, each passenger receives a complimentary jar of Grey Poupon. Oh, how the passengers love to tickle each other’s’ fancies by presenting an appetizing canapé to their seatmate and requesting, “Would you please Poupon this?” Very classy indeed.

DebonAir offers a Connoisseur’s Cheese Platter – 4 very soft cheeses wrapped in ridiculously thin aluminum foil that’s impossible to remove. The inability to remove this aluminum skin actually works in the passengers favor because it turns out the body needs trace amounts of aluminum in its diet, and you might as well get them in one big dose at 40,000 ft. than risk being caught licking your neighbor’s aluminum siding after midnight (been there). The cheese platter costs only $4.50 when purchased on the ground, but once the plane departs and climbs up into the stratosphere, so do the prices. Depending on how high the plane flies, costs can soar up to $18. At this price most cheese buyers become lactose intolerant and settle for the free pretzels instead.

 

China Air

They offer an all-to-authentic pupu platter. It’s fittingly served with buttered nose plugs and toilet paper napkins.

 

Vegan Airlines

Its menu is to DEI for (in the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion sense). Vegan Airlines signature dish is the Vegie Wedgie Salad consisting of Baby Lettuces, Impressionable Parsnips, Bicurious Broccoli and Gender Dysphoric Rhubarb. It’s usually served with a wink and a nod. Flavorless and unsatisfying low carbon footprint options are available: Watercress on Rice Cakes, Cous Cous Cous and Spilt Fritters (which is Spelt spelled wrong).

 

Ambiguous Air

This confused airline’s meal planners have devised a surf and turf befitting its’ dualistic status. This dish features a Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp and Elongated Short Ribs. Served with a tall glass of melted ice, this entrée will leave you wondering, “Why does my credit score take a hit just because I apply for a credit card?” Ambiguous indeed.

 

Illuminating Ruminating

Sometimes the repetition of an extraordinary event makes the exceptional seem mundane – a case of familiarity breeding unexamined complacency. But maybe the next time you’re enjoying a savory hot meal in the comfort of a padded seat at 40,000 ft. hurtling through the stratosphere at 450 kts while 4 feet away on the outside of the thin aluminum skin protecting you it’s -40° and the wind howling at 80 kts, perhaps you’ll have a renewed appreciation for your extraordinary circumstance.

If at the dawn of aviation, cabin crew members were originally called flight attendants instead of stewardesses, the term flight attendant would be viewed as a derogatory term. Yet in a twist of semantics the reverse has happened today whereby the job descriptor stewardess is somehow seen as defamatory and the term flight attendant is viewed as some kind of heroic euphemism, riding in to save the poor stewardesses from belittling job title infamy.

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I do not view the term stewardess as throwing shade at our airborne cabin crew – far from it. I believe the term flight attendant is more derogatory than stewardess. And I further contend that had cabin crew members been called flight attendants originally, there would be a backlash against this disparaging term. I could foresee an anti-flight attendant notion growing in the public mind along these lines; as in, “Oh, so you’re saying these vital members of the cabin crew merely “attend” to things on a flight. Well, how dismissive and demeaning is that?”

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I also speculate that over time, the clamor to alter the demeaning term flight attendant would become loud enough that a public consensus might arise whereby people would agree that we should convey appropriate status on these critical airborne workers. They do much more than merely “attend” to matters of flight. In fact, they superintend and oversee matters vital to the smooth running of a flight 8 miles high at 450 kts. These aren’t hall monitors. They are stewards of air safety, communication and service. They manage the front of the house while pilots manage the back of the house. Yes, aviation can sometimes be compared to a high-flying restaurant and if you’ve ever had the Hummus Snack Tray over Salt Lake City, you know what I’m talking about.

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But what should the flight attendants’ new job title be? Perhaps we should elevate their station by calling them stewardesses and stewards. To me the term “stewardess” better reflects their lofty status and is more respectful than calling them mere “flight attendants.” To me, the job title “flight attendant” is one step removed from “bathroom attendant.” Whereas the job title of steward or stewardess has a more noble cachet, as in: “George Washington was a worthy steward of our nation’s ideals.”

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Of course, as mentioned above, we all understand that when it comes to these aviation job titles, the exact opposite occurred. The supposedly insulting job descriptor “stewardess” has been eschewed and replaced with today’s preferred term “flight attendant.” Even while writing this piece, Microsoft Word kept suggesting I substitute flight attendant where I had used the word stewardess. Clearly, they know which way the semantic winds blow.

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And so, it is for numerous incongruous instances like the one elucidated above, that children think adults are cray cray and shouldn’t really be in charge of anything, let alone making job title rules. Allow me to take a moment to cite some other reasons why kids think adults are cray cray:

• Obviously, there is only one consciousness we all share, but adults have decided to express it in over 10,000 religions…and not one of them wants you to have any fun…except Disney, and they aren’t even tax exempt.
• Everyone agrees that Shakespeare’s plays are magnificent theatrical treasures, but few, if any adults, are actually willing to sit through one. What does that say to Jonas and Kylie?
• Kids also don’t understand why they must learn algebra when they’ll never have to use it…come to think of it, adults think the same thing…so why are we learning it?

I’m a distracted writer who has derailed his own story with talk of kids’ impressions of adult foibles. So let me get back on track here by reiterating that it is a peculiar twist of semantic fate that the term flight attendant has replaced stewardess as the preferred term in referring to a cabin crew member, when it just as easily could’ve been the other way around, if only they were originally called flight attendants.