Author Archive
Pie-rotechnics
September 9th, 2013 | 
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McDonald’s Apple Pie filling circa. 1978.
Remember those insanely hot, deep-fried apple pies McDonald’s used to sell? The ones whose scalding apple lava filling was pumped directly from deep within the Earth’s core into the pie? Well I still have one I bought in 1978. And I plan on eating it just as soon as it cools down.
McDonald’s claimed these pies were, “Just like momma used to bake.©” And it’s true, if momma had a PhD in Thermodynamics and a nuclear particle accelerator to heat the thing to the plasma state, just below the gaseous state. Let me put it this way: These are the only pies ever made that had a half-life. MacDonald’s offered them in two flame-throwing fillings: Apple McMagma and (during the St. Patrick’s holiday) Shamrock Napalm. As mentioned, I purchased my pie in 1978 for 45 cents and the return on investment has been phenomenal. Just by setting it in my furnace, I’ve managed to heat my entire house with it for over 40 years. The only downside has been the loss of all my hair. Read the rest of this entry »
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Diarya
“Mom, I’m home. Mom. Mom!”
It’s not easy coaxing a demented fictional character to write a humorous piece based on a personal experience, but with the help of Dr. Brown’s Flux Capacitor (on loan from Back to the Future) I brought the whole project together with minimum time warping and maximum hilarity. Although Mr. Bates is nutso to the core, he’s kinda entertaining when he puts pen to paper. No one was hurt in the making of Diarya and the only casualty was melancholy. So without further ado I present to you with limited run on sentences:
Diarya – A remembrance by Norman Bates of Psycho fame.
Trust me. This is some good sh*t. Read the rest of this entry »
An Actual Anecdote
Zen and the Art of Cramification
I’d purchased a roundtrip ticket from SFO to JFK so I could watch my beloved Syracuse Orangemen (now known simply as the “Orange” owing to years of gender bias) take on the Penn State Nittany Lions at MetLife Stadium (known simply as “MetLife Stadium” owing to the millions they paid to name it). It was the opening game of the college football season and I was very excited to fire those neurons in the same area of the brain affected by cocaine. This is why football is so popular. It is a safe and legal drug – at least to watch anyway. Now, being 6’4″ and possessing a femur the length of a pool cue, I thought my airborne experience might be more comfortable if I upgraded to Economy Plus seating, where those few extra inches of leg room were stingily doled out like the gruel at a Dickensian orphanage. Read the rest of this entry »
Professor Steals God’s Identity. Claims, “Takes one to know one.”
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Who’s creating whom?
Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote our dear Lord. The Lord tweeted to his followers (which is everyone, except atheists) that he regrets any inconvenience to his children, but that he’s not responsible for the karmic debts rung up by his impostor. The credit firm Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating to Cash Only stating, “We recognize that our Creator is probably too big to fail, however, until his true identity is sorted out, it would be advisable for anyone doing business with the Almighty to do so on a Cash Only basis because right now, we don’t know him from Adam. His credit rating will be restored when Chuck Norris OKs it. Our exasperated Lord was heard muttering, “I may be able to move Heaven and Earth, but try getting your credit score upgraded – that takes an act of Norris.”
Read the rest of this entry »
The Education of James of Nazareth
The Christ boys: Jesus and James. Jesus displaying enlightened gospel. James hiding his rolled up report card.
James of Nazareth was the little known and far less celebrated brother of Jesus of Nazareth. As you might imagine, growing up in the shadow of the Christ child was not an easy thing to do. When your brother is the Son of God it’s hard to have a sibling rivalry. How do you compete?
James: Mom here’s an ashtray I made at school.
Mom: That’s very good James.
Vs.
Jesus: Mom here’s an alternative universe of indescribable joy.
Mom: Thank you Jesus!
Deconstructing an Essay While Writing It
“I can’t wait to read this when I can read,” thinks biscuit-cheeked Megan.
The first sentence of an essay often comes at the beginning and is probably its most important. The next sentence comes second, which is the same way a thoughtful husband makes love to his wife. The 3rd sentence is usually truant and can be found gorging itself at an all-you-can-eat buffet. So by the fourth sentence you need a catnap. Now the fifth sentence is where I try to arouse your interests in my story by slowly revealing its contours, but this amounts to no more than a pastie on the nipple of life. So by the sixth sentence the whole affair has grown a little tedious and that’s why the first sentence is so damn important.
Noiry, Noiry Night
“Nah. Smoke don’t bother me none at all baby. In fact my doc says I ain’t gettin’ enough tar as it is.”
What in the devil was she doing here? I thought we were done. Through. Over. But of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to pick mine in Anytown, USA. Sure Anytown was a nondescript place of generic citizens and cookie cutter houses. A sleepy little hamlet filled with sleepy little people – so sleepy their pupils didn’t even bother to dilate. It was a warm and comforting town where a guy like me could go to forget things. Forget things ya see. And that’s the way it was till I saw her angel face from across a crowded room. And then time stood still. I’m tellin’ ya it wouldn’t move. And when her eyes met mine all the bad times were forgotten. Like a bad memory washed from the sidewalk of life. Yeah that’s it. A bad memory washed from the sidewalk of life. Read the rest of this entry »
Ye Olde Steam Catapult
“If I can stretch this rubber band enough, we’ll launch this thing.”
When I think about nuclear powered aircraft carriers (which isn’t often) I marvel at the array of sophisticated technology fortifying these floating air bases. They’re replete with integrated warfare control systems, enhanced flight deck electronics and some really advanced cup holders. But the most important of all these technologies, the one that actually launches the $57 million F-18 Super Hornets, is perhaps its’ least impressive. I’m referring to that most primitive form of propulsion – the Steam Catapult. Even the name Steam Catapult does not inspire much confidence. Didn’t Hannibal use this contraption to throw big pointy rocks at his enemies in the Punic Wars? Compared to the leading edge technology hard-wired into a carrier’s DNA, the Steam Catapult is a special needs amino acid. Read the rest of this entry »
David’s Unbidden Lament
I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel so bad.
I’ve been alive for 52 years and in that time I don’t believe I’ve ever fully experienced what it means to really be Alive. Oh sure I delight in attempting the impossible, like finding nutrition in a Paula Deen recipe. I also revel in the occasional happy alignment of distant hope and nearby reality; like the recurring dream I have involving Julie Andrews and a ♫few of my favorite things♫. After washing the sheets, I reflect that these events are all evanescent flash paper moments calculated by God to keep me engaged in his little Milky Way art project while he avoids any explanations of why I might be participating in it. As far as achieving a quintessence that a particular moment exemplifies the true meaning of being alive, I’m left wanting or at least wandering. Read the rest of this entry »
Artillery of the Gods’
Father Father Mulligan explains it all.
When saintly Father Mulligan was canonized by the Catholic Church in 1991, all agreed he made the funniest looking cannon you ever saw. He wasn’t too happy about being a cannon either and hardly viewed canonization as a reward for years of dedicated pastoral service. It was preferable to the old days of enshrinement when the church would catapultize high performing priests. In later years they’d even bazookaize MVPs, so he breathed easier with simple canonization. What did he do to earn this place of honor? Well, according to the Catholic Hall of Fame Committee he was responsible for 3 miracles:
1. Somehow he got the roof repaired at St. Anthony’s without a donation drive
2. He is credited with preventing the Great Chicago Flood of 1964. That’s why you’ve never heard of it either.
3. And against impossible odds, he found a way for Michael Jackson to impregnate an actual female Read the rest of this entry »