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Issued by Financially Malfeasant Publications, this newsletter is where the smart money goes to get stupid. At FMI we’re not bullish, we’re bullsh*t.

The following rumors are scuttle, butt may be true anyway:

1. JL Kraft Foods Inc. to open a string of Kraft Single Bars – a place where unattached slices of cheese can go to bond with other cheeses of its kind. The bars practice “safe cheese.” That is, each consenting slice agrees to have a protective sheet of wax paper placed between it and its partner to ensure things don’t get too sticky. And isn’t it ironic that these cheese bars can be such meat markets.

 

2. Changes at Good Humor and Friendly Ice Cream. Due to budgetary constraints each company has had to downsize. Good Humor Ice Cream will henceforth be known as Mildly Amusing Ice Cream – and that’s not funny. Meanwhile Friendly Ice Cream, unable to sustain its former level of goodwill, has been renamed Cordial Ice Cream. Seeing these once proud ice cream companies being forced to downsize, just melts your heart.

 

3. In a similar move, the Scrabble-like app Words with Friends, will offer a less collegial version for more aloof people who prefer to avoid emotional entanglements in their Scrabble partners – the new app is called Words with Acquaintances.

 

4. Elon Musk to sell Tesla. He plans to plow the proceeds into his latest visionary quest: Pie Weights – those small, oven-safe ceramic balls used in baking a pie crust. There’s a fortune at stake here. The news has already hit the street, and in after-hours trading, Pie Weight futures skyrocketed to almost 4¢ a ball. And there’s an estimated 30,000 to 40,000 balls out there so you do the math.

Can shower curtain weights and outdoor tablecloth weights be far behind? Pie Weight hoarding has already been reported at Marie Callendar’s. Musk added fuel to the fire commenting, “I’m all in on Pie Weights – the future is now and it screams Pie Weights.” Musk has already cornered the market on drapery weights, collar stays and ballast stones for ships.  

 

5. Warren Buffet to buy the Hansom Cab Company. “Right now there are too many ugly Hansom Cabs. What we need are handsome Hansom cabs,” said the elderly investor who then finished his big-piece jigsaw puzzle and was given some warm milk. He made the announcement with magnet magnate Earl Groat by his side.

 

6. Carl Icahn to lose billions by recklessly employing credit default swaps (CDS), essentially insurance policies insuring bonds against losses, tied to an index tracking bundles of loans to malls and other commercial properties, he sought to leverage the underlying bonds insuring the property to default. No one understood any of this. No one. Ever. But billions were somehow made by someone until they all realized they were just playing Monopoly. 

 

7. IHOP to raise prices of pancakes. In an effort to balance supply and demand for their signature breakfast cakes, IHOP is raising the price of a short stack to $9. An IHOP spokesthey justified the price hike by saying, “We had no choice. Our pancakes were selling like hot cakes and we were running out.” While the IHOP is increasing prices the DHOP (the Domestic House of Pancakes) is holding prices steady.

You won’t get this. You shouldn’t get this. For sure you’ll never quite understand this actual response to a friend’s email that included requested pictures of his 2^nd floor garage winch (like a dumbwaiter) suitable for elevating heavy items to the loft and his recently purchased battered and used commercial GMC truck replete with utility boxes. My friend’s nickname is Dickie which has morphed into Diggie. He has a brother named Ted. There’s no tea in this missive, but maybe you can read the tea leaves and appreciate the algae bloom of ideas and references barely tethered to Earth. I know I enjoyed channeling them. This email was written and sent in one long unedited session on Oct. 11, 2023 (I think it was AD). Below is a copy for your delectation:

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Very cool stuff Diggie. 

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It would be nice to be you if it weren’t so wonderful being me.

That is the stupidest waiter I’ve ever seen and the truck w/the built-in tool boxes…boffo my man. Livin’ the blue-collar fantasy.

Good cool shit to have (I mean since we must have stuff). 

Appreciate the Hynde reference bigly. Was thinking of reminding you of same in our last phone tete á tete. BTW when you speak to your brother is it tete á Ted?

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As Mostly,

Neils Bohr

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And when I say Neils Bohr, I’m referring to both Neils (Neil and Neil Bohr). The second Neil was the parasitic conjoined twin of Neil, whose elfin head grew from the scapula area of the more fully formed Neil who consequently wore big sweaters to disguise his freeloading brother. The more retail Neil, whose theories on quantum mechanics we’ve come to revere even if he is bohring, made no mention of the other Neil until his then girlfriend and future wife Margrethe said, “Ummm, Neil, we need to talk.”

Neils’s (pronounced Neilzes) parents thought, since the kids were basically one packet or quantum, why not give them one name in keeping with their unitized structure. Am told by disinterested parties, and hence reliable sources, that the back shoulder seemingly parasitic Neil Bohr was really the brains of the outfit. Host Neil would write his equations on a blackboard, turn around and lift up his sweater, then let parasitic Neil critique them. They made quite a team, 2 heads being better than one. In sum, I suppose this distinction doesn’t really anti-matter. 

I’d say more, but my Chipotle Ranch Dressing just expired. I really must be going. But where shall I go? So Bohring.  

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Best,

Charlies Chaplin

And when I say Charlie’s Chaplins, I’m referring to both Charlies (Charlie and Charlie Chaplin). Those little tramps.

Over the course of time there has been a need to stipulate the manner in which a future deceased person (the soon dead) shall distribute their worldly possessions. It has not been without its peculiarities. Here is a sample of some of the more unique bequests directed by individual estates:

1. Little Miss Muffet – Left her tuffet to Mother Goose and all her curds to the spider. At the reading of the Will, the spider was puzzled by receiving only the curds and complained to the lawyer, “No way?” To which the lawyer responded, “Whey.”
2. Jerry Mathers – He says he’s going to Leave It to Beaver
3. Earth – Is leaving everything to the Meek. I guess the meek really shall inherit the earth.
4. Kim Kardashian – She recently amended her Will. Instead of leaving it all to posterity, she’s leaving it all to her posterior. What an ass.
5. Mother Teresa – Saintly MT, having so generously given it all away before her death, she had nothing left to give and hence no Will
6. Kermit the Frog – He leaves his single-family lily pad to Miss Piggy. She’s in Hog Heaven now and consequently unable to accept.
   

   Me and yet another of my imaginary friends.

7. All Deciduous Trees – They leave their leaves to the Mulch God, I beleaf.
8. Dolly Parton – She’s leaving them to the Dollywood Orphanage. If for whatever reason they can’t accept them, they go to the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
9. Will-denier Robert F Kennedy Jr. said he doesn’t see a way he’ll ever have a Will. He then recanted when reminded that, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way.”
10. Paul McCartney – He’s not making a Will. He’s just going to Let It Be.
11. Shirley MacLaine – The reincarnation lady left her entire estate to unborn Frieda Allsworth’s embryo, whose fetus she’s planning to inhabit in utero in her next lifetime. Careful Shirl. I hear the IRS is watching this one.
12. George Will – Left his Will to posterity. He’s now known simply as George.
13. Zombies – Because they’re Undead they need an UnWill in case they’re feeling Unwell.
14. The Alphabet – When it dies it’s planning on leaving everything to New Times Roman – at least from the letters I’ve seen.
15. Will Ferrell – Same as George Will. He’s leaving his Will to posterity and henceforth will become just plain feral.
16. Fannie Farmer – Fannie left her entire fortune of $100 million to her niece Candy, under the stipulation that Candy was to be presented it in an assortment of 1000 heart-shaped boxes with the money filling the 32 little ruffled cups inside.

1. I’m the inspiration for the song “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”
2. My middle name is Bathsheba
3. I’m just choosing to be heterosexual. I haven’t been able to pray the lay away
4. I know a guy who doesn’t have a podcast
5. All anyone says anymore is: Specificity is just marmalade without the orange rind. OMG, if I hear that one more time!
6. When I was younger I played my organ a lot
7. When I witness a warm, poignant moment, it doesn’t melt my heart. It melts my ear wax. So if you ever see glistening streaks flowing from my ears, you’ll know I’m either overcome with emotion or I’m suffering from otorrhea.
8. My left leg is two feet longer than my right. I’m just green-screened. Thank you CGI.
9. My two feet are both left-footed (this is why none of you have seen me swimming)
10. If you’re as stupid as me you’re still reading this
11. If I’m as stupid as you, I’m still writing this
12. Memo to Col. Jessup: I can handle the truth and I don’t need you on that wall
13. I’ll say it again: The Getty family is having Trust issues
14. The Israeli Supreme Court is known as the Jewdiciary
15. Can’t write more. Gotta run. The Beverly Hillbillies are on in 3 minutes
16. And I guess you can tell from #15: I still don’t know how to record anything from the TV

Lalo Schifrin is, among other things, the 91-year-old composer of the theme to Mission Impossible. He was born in Buenos Aires and was awarded a special Oscar for his body of work including the scores of such films as Cool Hand Luke, Bullitt and Rush Hour. Now here’s the beauty part of this whole “what are you doing in my bathroom” misunderstanding: I can stop talking about Lalo Schifrin anytime I want. I just don’t choose to not talk about Lalo Schifrin. It’s not a problem for me. I can quit anytime, at least that’s what I’ve learned at my LSA meetings: Lalo Schifrin Anonymous meetings.

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My so-called obsession is so under control, it’s not even funny. In fact, it’s just ridiculous to think some people (a Grand Jury in Los Angeles for example) believe I have a “Lalo Schifrin problem.” Now, years ago, I will admit, I had a bit of a Henry Mancini fixation, but through counseling and restraining orders I worked it all out. This whole Lalo Schifrin thing is a completely different animal, in that I got hit with the restraining order first and the mandatory counseling second. Completely different situation. My probation officer says this kind of journaling is helpful. It’s also a condition of my house arrest.

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Watch this: I think Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes is a great athlete. See, I went a whole sentence without, referring to, mentioning or otherwise focusing on Lalo Schifrin. I am cured. He’s the one with the David Hardiman problem. I mean that razor wire around his compound is hardly necessary – especially since I have a key to his service entrance.

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For me, not talking about Lalo Schifrin is Mission Possible. I’m so over Lalo and his stupid security guards. So when someone accuses me of being obsessed with Lalo Schifrin all I can say is: “Child Please!” Done. Over it. Next!

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You know, I find composer Danny Elfman intriguing these days. Maybe I’ll drop him a note from one of my fleet of drones. After all, he is the Elf Man – goo goo ga joob!

As the hospitality industry tries to create the illusion of a bargain, they’re offering barebones rates so low that they appeal to the cheapskate in all of us. To make-up for those unsustainably cheap rates, the industry brazenly lards the final cost with nonsense fees, phantom charges and superfluous costs to boost their bottom line. These fees are tacked on at the desk when you check-in. They often appear as a “Spa” fee or an “Accommodation” fee.

 

Just what these supplementary charges are for we may never know. Is it to fold the tip of the toilet paper into a little triangle, or maybe to ensure all the corpses have been removed from the beds? Shouldn’t they be doing this automatically? I mean the coroner would take care of any cadavers – the hotel wouldn’t have to lift a finger. It seems some of the dastardly fees are unrelated to anything the hotel is actually providing, but how else can they offer a 4-star experience at $100 a night that balloons to $250 after fees, taxes and gross profiteering? The following is a list of some of those extra charges hotels are marbling into their already fatty prices.

 

Disclaimer: Reader be advised, I provide this comprehensive list completely free of charge. Now if you’d prefer a list of the truly funny overcharges, I can provide them to you for a small “Enhanced Content” fee of $5.

 

Little Known Hotel Fees and Charges

 

1. Price Gouging Allowance: $50 – This fee helps greedy hotel owners laugh all the way to the bank
2. Web Cam Deactivation Fee $25 – By paying this fee to the hotel media troll you ensure your hotel stay will not be live-streamed on Tik-Tok. Warning: Be sure to pay the separate charge for turning off the bathroom cam.
3. Exhalation Fee: .001¢ per breath – Hotels say it’s a reasonable fee when you consider they give you all your inhalations free of charge. This fee can really add up. Especially if you and your partner pant a lot during relations.
4. Blanket Charge – Bring your own, otherwise expect to pay a cover charge for the blanket
5. Memory Bank Purge Charge $10 – Allows the guest to believe they’re the first person to sit naked on anything in the room.
6. Non-Operating Thermostat Improvement Fee: $10 – Since there has never been a thermostat in any hotel room ever that has borne any relation to what it’s set at and what the actual temperature is in the room, guests are highly advised to pay this fee in order to guarantee at least a 10° minimum variance.
7. Pee Fee: $5 – A must pay if you want the toilet lid unlocked, granting you access to the bowl. Otherwise good luck reaching the sink. Be sure to pay the separate charge that makes it possible to flush the toilet.
8. Doggy Spooj Abatement Fee: $5 – With so many hotels now being pet-friendly, this fee ensures that any Fido emissions have been completely expunged from the room. Always recommended you pay this fee for a Thursday night stay since Wednesday is Hump Day.
9. Envious Mini-Bar Staring Mitigation Fee $7 – Ensures your envious stare at the peanut butter-filled pretzels doesn’t register as a purchase. A highly metaphysical impossibility, but it does happen and the Mini-Bar Staring Mitigation Fee thwarts these overcharges.
10. Bed Scale Weight Recording Prevention Fee: $11 – This fee prevents your bed from recording your weight and making it part of your permanent record. It can affect your credit score and health insurance rates. So if your chubby that’s the skinny on this weighty matter.