Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

For those unfamiliar with the life and times of Jesus of Nazareth, I’ve provided some FAQs to help people reacquaint themself with the great Savior:

1. Did Jesus ever get stoned? No, but many times he came close to getting stoned when he ran afoul of the Romans.
2. Did Jesus write anything? Nope. All his gospels are “as told by.” Think of them as being ghost written – by the Holy Ghost.
3. Did Jesus have dates? Yes. Hundreds of them. He loved dates and they were a very abundant and cheap food source in the greater Judea area.
4. Did Jesus’s brother James, suffer from an inferiority complex? Yup. How could he not? His older brother was a light unto the world, whereas James once lit a manger on fire. Surprisingly though, James could change water into ice, but only if the temperature dropped below 32°.
5. Does Jesus have the ability to integrate the content of all your applications into one seamless platform? Child please!
6. Why doesn’t Jesus just return and shower the world in beatific love? He has. Several times, but most people are antagonistic toward this itinerant, long-haired hippie spouting off about doing unto others and loving thy neighbor. He’s had poor management of late – like Elvis did in the 1970s. Where’s an apostle when you need one.
7. How dark was Jesus’ skin? Let’s put it this way – he wouldn’t exactly be welcomed in some of his churches today.
8. If Jesus had a residency in Las Vegas, what would he perform? Well, he’d probably kickoff the show with Sermon on the Mount and maybe follow that up with a version of “Crocodile Rock.” He’d blow away illusionist David Copperfield’s disappearing spectacles. Instead of making an elephant vanish, Jesus would do the same with hate and anger. Great stuff. At the end of the show I’d envision a mic drop and then an ascension up through the proscenium arch.
9. Did Jesus have any tattoos? Yes. One. It read: WWMD – What Would Moses Do.
10. Did he throw a ball like a girl? No way. Not JC. In fact he could slingshot a rock better than David (not me, but the Biblical David,).
11. Was Jesus musical? Kinda. He could play air versions of all the popular instruments back in the day: air drums, air flute and a mean air harp. And yet he was scrupulous about never putting on any airs.
12. Who cut Jesus’s hair? A very young Barbara Walters.
13. Was Jesus at Woodstock? Inconclusive. He would’ve blended in so well with the rest of the hippies, nobody would’ve noticed except maybe Crosby, Stills and Nash who referred to him in their song Woodstock, “Well I came upon the child of God, he was walking along the road…”
14. Was Jesus aware of the dangers of asbestos? No…asbestos we can tell anyway.
15. Did Jesus get along with his father? Yes, although he thought his dad was kind of an absentee father, who was there in spirit only.
16. Do people still love Jesus today? Well yes, but people seem to love the “idea” of Jesus more than actually practicing his message of non-judgment, self-reflection, forgiveness and the Golden Rule. Many use his good name to fleece their flock of donations to buy mansions on the ground, instead of mansions in the sky.

 

If you have a burning desire to relieve the anguish of bereaved families, consider a career as an Ignition Mortician. If you value hefty profits, nifty puns and lethal clichés explore a career where your goal is to fire people every day.

Crematorium Franchise Bullet Points

• Experience the job satisfaction of watching your best work go up in smoke
• Job Burnout? Not a problem. In fact, it’s encouraged.
• Job Security? Not a problem. In fact, you get to fire people regularly.
• Urn while you Burn
• Enjoy killer benefits and clients with smokin’ hot bodies 
• Did you know you’re not supposed to cremate bodies in months that have “embers” in them?
• Job interviews are very thorough, but don’t worry, you won’t be grilled

Crematoriums – They’re the toast of the town.

 

Consider the Crematorium Franchise that’s Your Best Match

 

1. Return to Cinder – Is there a better way to say, “Elvis has left the building?” Than to say ♫Return to Cinder♫
2. Bereaved, Bothered and Bewildered – Helps families to grieve against a backdrop of Cole Porter music. Reviewers say ♫It’s De-Lovely, It’s De-lightful♫
3. Dust in the Wind Crematorium – Very popular in Kansas
4. Good Humor Ice Crematorium – Maybe it’s in bad humor, but the cone-shaped urns are available in waffle or wafer
5. Burning Man – Go out in a blaze of artistic self-expression in this final bonfire of the vanities. Ensure your funeral rite doesn’t go wrong by designing your own signifying pyre.
6. Next of Kin-dling – Popular with kinfolk in Appalachia
7. Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell – Have yourself anonymously cremated. What happens at Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell, stays at Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell.
8. Char Ming – Dynastic Chinese families crematorium of choice. Cremains returned in a little to-go urn.
9. Cremains of the Day – Designed to meet the funerary needs of literary aficionados
10. Blackened Blue Fish – Designed to meet the funerary needs of fish afishionados who’ve lost a tropical pet fish
11. The Uranus Society – Competes with the more established Neptune Society. As one might expect, the Uranus Society is a pain in the ash.

 

Don’t delay. Your future cremains to be seen.

If you’ve been carrying a torch for crematoriums, rekindle that old flame with a hot, new franchise. Again, in the words of Elvis: Crematoriums are ^♫Just a hunk-a-hunk-a burning love^♫

Cremation: Think of it as a different kind of Tinder

We look forward to hearing from you (even though we haven’t mentioned how to get in touch with us).

We’ll keep a candle burning for you in the window.

1. Through cell regeneration, 99% of my body’s cells are 10 years old or less. But somehow I’m 60. Not happy.

2. Real Vegans don’t vacuum Dust Bunnies

3. If Love is Love, then Gees is Christ

4. Yo-Yo Ma’s Mother’s day Message: Yo Mama, Love, Yo-Yo Ma

5. Feeling sic (sic).

6. Conversation held in total darkness: “We’re gonna be OK. I’ve got a handle on it now.” “No you don’t. And that’s not a handle.”

7. Years after her death a son sent his mother’s ashes back to the crematorium with a cryptic note reading “Return to Cinder.”

8. Montessori Schools have apologized for marketing a discount school called Montesorry

9. Somehow I confused Easter with Passover and celebrated the season by buying little chocolate rabbis. Oy vey.

1. Law and Order LGBTQ: The show is very complicated. No one can seem to keep it straight.

 

2. NYPD Bleu: New York’s finest fight crime in Paris. As you’d expect, NYPD Bleu is kind of cheesy. NYPD Bleu is recommended for viewers fromage 16 and up.
   

   That world weary look of $550K per episode.

 

3. From the producers of Dragnet comes AquaNet – a police drama made especially for women with unmanageable hair. AquaNet takes a deep dive into the murky waters of criminality. Perpetrators are pulled from the water looking like drowned rats while the lady cops who collared them emerge with perfectly coiffed hair.

 

4. From the producers of Adam-12 comes Eve-13, another law-enforcement show just for women: At first they were just ribbing the makers of Adam-12 to allow for a spin-off, and eventually Eve-13 was created from Adam’s ribbing. Adam-12 & Eve-13 are often shown back to back, although they’re usually found in the Missionary position. Either way it’s awfully sinful.

 

5. Bobbies: A very English cop show where the city of Staffordshire only hires constables named Robert. In this way all the Bobbies are Bobby’s. Where’s a Bobby when you need one? – in the Staffordshire Police Dept.

 

6. From the makers of Reno 9-1-1 comes Reno 4-1-1 – This show blows the lid off the steamy underworld of Directory Assistance Operators…and the men who love them. Some watch it and say, “More information please.” Others watch and say, “Whoa, TMI.”

 

7. The Po-po in NOLA: A New Orleans-based crime drama where the Lou-siana po-po eat po’ boy while policing. Rogue officers are accused of locking-up criminals in Cajuns. This is considered a Creole and Unusual punishment. Many viewers feel like they’ve seen this show before saying, “Beignet, done that.”

 

8. A new take on prison life is called Mechanical Fasteners in the Prison Workshop: This show is riveting – literally.

 

9. Ford Explorer SUV: Not really a cop show. Just an infomercial for the venerable Ford Explorer Sport Utility Vehicle. Many dyslexics mistake the title Law and Order: SVU for Ford Explorer SUV.

 

10. Placebo Police: Actors pretending to be police, fight and defeat criminals but only because the criminals believe the Police are real.

 

11. Who Stole My Stoll?: First World crime problems for wealthy victims. The original title was Who Scarfed My Scarf

 

12. Francis Ford’s Cop-ola: The crime-infested town of Corleone, Italy hires the mafia to run its police dept. In 1 week the crime rate drops to zero. Original title: A-cop-alypse Now!

 

 

A Variety of Apple Varieties

1. Red Delicious – Very American
2. Bloody Delicious – Very English
3. Rome Beauty – Known as the Sophia Loren apple. Curvy and sweet.
4. Johnny Rottenseed – English Punk Apple
5. LGBT Cutie – They say one bite of this forbidden fruit and you’ll never go back. Great apple, but it’s kinda hard to breed.
6. Golden Delicious – An American favorite
7. Brown and Not-so-Delicious – A prison favorite (actually a Golden Delicious that didn’t sell at the supermarket)
8. Fuji – Popularity is skyrocketing
9. Emoji – Popularity is 🚀
10. Pippin – A popular apple and musical. They almost produce the same thing: One generates applesauce, the other applause. Appleplause.
11. Macintosh – 32 bytes in every Apple
12. Gravenstein – Tomb in a tankard, the grave-in-stein apple is an IPA craft fruit
13. Granny Smith – Crisp and tart
14. Mealy Smith – Soft and bland. People with dentures swear by them or at least near them.
15. Vermont Black – A now extinct variety. It seems there are no longer any Blacks left in Vermont.
16. Pink Lady – Flavorful and sweet
17. Pink Ladyboy – Popular in San Francisco. Very Fruity. Also flavorful and sweet.
18. Dark Lady – A favorite of Cher. ♫Dark Lady laughed and danced and lit the candles one by one♫
19. That Ain’t No Lady, That’s My Wife – Henny Youngman helped to develop this apple
20. Fat Man – Atomically delicious. It’s the only apple that has a half-life.
21. Apple Corps – What’s a list without a Beatle reference?
22. Gala – A Gala day keeps the doctor away. A gal a day is plenty for me.