Posts Tagged ‘open’

If a letter makes it to your mailbox with any of the following phrases, acronyms or hieroglyphs on it, you may send this JUNK straight to recycle:

1. ECRLOT – ECRLOT stands for Enhanced Carrier Route Line Of Travel. This is an internal code used by the USPS and designates a discounted postal rate for junk mailers. Although if you’re interested in “commemorative” orangutan plates from the Kingdom of Siam, maybe this letter is for you.
2. Electronic Service Requested – Junk mailer wants this vital mail forwarded to the correct person. Screw them and the air mail they flew in on.
3. Time Sensitive Material Enclosed – Junk mailer is attempting to promote a sense of urgency in marketing Urology Today’s new streaming service
4. Hand Deliver Only – All mail is hand delivered (unless it’s email). It’s part of the job. Don’t bother with this method, unless you’d prefer a hand job.
5. Whoever knowingly and willfully obstructs or retards the passage of the mail shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than six months, or both. (June 25, 1948, ch. 645, 62 Stat.) – This is supposed to legitimize and imbue the mailer with the imprimatur of authority by quoting a 75-year-old statute. Toss it.
6. You Poor, Dumb Sap. You Need to Buy this Crap We’re Selling – Points for honesty, but chances are you don’t need the elbow deodorant they’re peddling.
7. Doctors Without Bladders Fundraising Drive – Borders yes, bladders no.
8. From the Desk of Kanye West – Ye are not amused. Can it.
9. These Bible Foods Will Double Your Lifespan – Double your waistline maybe. Cast this mailer out into the darkness.
10. Resident, Occupant or Felon – Wouldn’t bother opening it. Of course if you are a felon, it might be of interest. Just sayin’.

1. The Museum of Unionized Worker Bees – Feel all warm and fuzzy watching Worker Bees toil, knowing they’re earning a living wage and have weekends off. Testimonial: Sting says, “Hive visited it and the buzz is justified.”
2. The Museum of Onionized French Soup – If you think this museum is cheesy, you’re right. From age 6 to 12…I mean…Fromage 6 to 12 months old is used.
3. The Museum of Ants that are Aunts – Genealogical arthropod wranglers pair ant nieces and nephews with their ant aunts. This museum has more personality than North Korea. Carpenter ants say, “They nailed it.”
4. Museum of Monkey’s Uncles – Slated to close. Curator taken aback by surprise announcement saying, “Well I’ll be a Monkey’s Uncle.”
5. The Museum of 64 Year-old Vanna White’s 1987 Playboy Pictorial – This Museum is guaranteed to turn heads. Everything is done to the letter.
   

   If this picture bore some relation to the list, I might have something. As it is, I’m just an American Idle.

6. The Museum of How Jesus Christ Might Appear if He Were Alive Today – Spoiler Alert: It’s Bradley Cooper
7. The Museum of Subatomic Particles – Are they even trying here? It’s just an empty room. You’re told they’re all in there (muons, quarks, bosons). The docents just keep encouraging visitors to, “Squint really hard.” Highlights include random Dust Bunnies that frolic as haphazardly as Einstein’s hair.
8. The Museum of Tom Jones’ Concert-used, Sweat-stained Handkerchiefs – Straight from Caesar’s Palace to your museum’s refrigerated display cases. When Mr. Jones was asked if this arrangement was a bit peculiar, he emphatically replied, “It’s not unusual.”
9. The Museum of Torn Ticket stubs – Includes torn tickets from Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice concerts. In a ridiculously redundant practice, it even has torn ticket stubs from The Museum of Torn Ticket Stubs.
10. The Museum of Game Worn….I ran out of ideas on this one. Make up your own joke and get back to me.
11. The Museum of Discarded Starbucks Cups – They’re all there: Generic seasonal Holiday cups that all but cancel traditional Christmas, Pumpkin Spice cups that all but make us want to hang up and dial 911.
12. The Landfill Museum – Warning: Don’t be fooled. It’s not a museum. It’s really just the Truxton Landfill charging you money to come in and tramp around. It is said that the landfill’s owners are white trash. They call the accusation, “Garbage.” The entire enterprise stinks to high heaven.  
13. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Medical Advice – Listen to hours of recordings of businesses unrelated to health care, advise callers that “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.”
14. The Museum of Outtakes from the Audio Museum of businesses with nothing to do with health care saying, “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and put your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.”
15. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Phone Tree Navigation Advice – Listen to hours of recordings where businesses advise callers to “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.”
16. The Museum of Remembering to Love One Another…Consensually – And to remember: We’re all just visitors.

Now that I’ve passed on I want to share something with you. Of course you can believe me – both of my eyebrows are raised.

I think it’s always preferable to die of natural causes. Unnatural causes are so unhealthy and dying of supernatural causes is so Hollywood. Anyway I died of natural causes – too much bacon grease in the blood – and I’m here to give a quick report from the other side. I expired in the early morning hours of Saturday March 14^th just missing the unlucky Friday the 13^th by only a few hours – dodged that one. The non-alarmist hospital conveyed my expiration with subtle understatement by gently explaining to my wife Loretta, “It appears your husband has embarked on a nap from which there is no awakening.” Read the rest of this entry »