Posts Tagged ‘things’
THINGS I’LL NEVER FORGET
June 11th, 2024 | 
Author: 1. Watching Babe Ruth’s home run trot around the bases and wondering how his tiny little ankles didn’t break under the strain of his hulking torso
2. Where I was when I first heard the word “delicatessen.” I know. You too, right. And then I found out you could actually shorten it to “deli.” Wow!
3. The day my mom brought home Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries. OMG. I mean Captain Crunch I got. I could wrap my mind around Captain Crunch. But the whole crunch berries thing was like pouring milk on the fire. And that singular event was pretty much the dividing line for everything in my life. Everything that happened before crunch berries and everything that came after crunch berries. You too right.
4. When Jan first said, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”
5. That time our dog threw-up in my mouth: https://davidhardiman.com/…/this-preposterous-anecdote…/
6. Seeing my grandmother naked. Well, how was I to know she pole-danced in her room for exercise.
7. My tea party playdates with my imaginary friends Little Debbie, Wendy and Waldo. Friends would ask, “Where’s Waldo?” And I’d say, “How can you not see him? He’s right there next to Wendy. There’s Waldo.”
I always invited Carmen Sandiego too, but she never showed. It’s like, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
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Incidentally: I’m still waiting for a reboot of “These Boots are Made for Walking”…listening Nancy Sinatra. If she can’t reboot “Boots” she can at least resole it. Then again, maybe I should just settle for “These Boots are Made for Walken.” Does the name Christopher Walken ring a bell – a cowbell.
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Things I No Longer Need to Be Reminded Of
1. That smoking is not allowed on airplanes, or in the lavatories. You may however, vape on the wings.
2. That occasionally, your spouse can be used as a flotation device.
3. That Twitter is now known as X. As in it’s an ex-useful platform.
4. That if I’m experiencing a medical emergency I should hang up and call Dr. Rick from Progressive Insurance
5. That too many “that’s” spoil a list and that’s that.
6. That there is no #6, and stop reminding me of that.
7. That “Too many cooks spoil the moth.” Fortunately cooks rarely prepare moth dishes. Maybe Buffalo Moth Wings, but that’s about it.
8. That Quinn Martin and Jack Webb were cut from the same cloth (that esoteric joke was for my own pleasure. I’m such a selfish sh*t)
9. That Sonny and Cher won’t be getting back together. At least not until Cher dies (I know…Boo)
10. That I won’t be getting back together. At least not until a few more sessions with my psychiatrist.
11. There is no #11. I mean there is a number 11, but just not in this list.
SOS: And if you can hear me Taylor, call me when Travis isn’t around. I’ve got news about Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Big News!
Things I Wish I’d Thought Of
Oh, wait, I did think of these. I guess I wasn’t careful what I wished for.
- Who makes a tornado chaser look smart?
A volcano chaser.
- What goes well with a shot of lava?
A volcano chaser.
- The Toast Restaurant Admits: “Bread and butter is our bread and butter.”
- Pet Sleepwear Outlet Admits: “Our cat’s pajamas are the cat’s pajamas.”
- Magnet Magnate Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
- Cartoon Character Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
- Crab Meat Admits: “Butter is drawn to me.”
- Guy claiming to have a Horse Drawn Carriage Admits: “The carriage was really drawn by my daughter and not our horse.
- Ticket Taker Admits: A fan into the stadium.
- Woke Person Admits: “I may be woke, but I’m very groggy.”
- Pièce de résistance Admits: “I’m just a piece of resistance.”
- I’m always unnerved when someone yells at me, “Enjoy your stupid life.”
How did they know?
Addendumb
- My college roommate is the mature one. Unlike me, he eats his bread with the crust on and is able to sleep with the lights off.
- News from the Highway: Prestressed Concrete Suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Plenty of blame to go around. Mostly it’s your asphalt.
- Since when did “I know it like the back of my hand” become a standard for certainty. I couldn’t identify the back of my hand if it was a the lineup with other hands. Facial recognition, yes. Back of the hand recognition, not yet.
- I just realized: I’m left-nostrilled. And I thought I was ambi-nostrilled for the longest time.