My first love was the NY Yankees. And this iconic logo was the centerfold.

Few things in life thrilled little David Hardiman more than the pinstriped wonders known as the New York Yankees. I was a lovelorn 6 year old Little Leaguer when I first fell under the Yankees Big League spell. The New York Yankees were a legendary and scarce commodity in Syracuse; the club being located 200 miles to the southeast in the teeming metropolis of Gotham – home to the Empire State Building and Batman. My fanatical bond and romantic sentiments for the Yankees were fed by neighborhood friends, by cataloguing their exploits in scrapbooks (now thoughtfully displayed deep in a Syracuse landfill) and by listening to them on the radio or watching them on TV. Well, not exactly on traditional TV. Read the rest of this entry »

Money is, if not the root of all evil, certainly the soil of all evil. Here we see a formerly happy sapling weighed down by financial considerations.

It is a little known fact that Jesus Christ almost missed the Last Supper because of a jury summons. He was invariably rejected by the court because of his “I cannot judge thee, lest I be judged” sentiments. If only he’d been selected he might have lived longer and we’d all be coloring Easter eggs in July. Jesus was well ahead of his time. Before Christ it was like BC. His carbon footprint was practically zero. In fact when he walked on the beach he had no footprints at all. Sometimes I think (and I’m not alone on this) the man was a God. But how does Jesus’ experience relate to me? Well looking back I too would’ve done great things if a jury hadn’t gotten in my way. Who do they think they are – my peers? I mean judge not lest ye too operated a Ponzi Scheme. 

I, Sonny Upside, deserved better. Having received several offshore diplomas, I was knowledgeable, persuasive, and seemingly disinterested enough to evince an aura of certainty around whatever financial scheme I proposed. Investors wanted sure things in their wanton lives and I gave it to them by promising them not millions, but thousands in easy profits. Reasonable enough – right? My actuarially-tuned asset allocation strategy was shiftily constructed of hypes and dreams. It all seemed ironclad enough until Mr. IRS and Lady SEC started nosing around my second set of books. They said I should’ve done better crunching the numbers. Well if hindsight is 20/20, then embezzling is 10 to 20. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Friends,

Yours truly is working on a project and will be away for awhile. My posts will be intermittent at best. This is a writing project and not associated with prolonging the freshness dating of pharmaceuticals so they’re not flushed down the toilet rendering our seafood a school of drug-addicted fish. Please feel free to write or comment on anything I’ve written so far. And as I have more followers than bought the last Ringo CD, I’m sure I’ll be hearing from you.

Warm Regards,

David 💡

Why Mr. Hardiman. Please get a clue. Don’t you know who this is?

As an inveterate New York Times crossword puzzle solver, I’d hit a dead end with 28 Across. 8 letters starting with d and ending in s. The clue read “Certain numbers.” Hmmm, I pondered; unable to shrink “denominators” or stretch “digits” into 8 letters. Having spent an embarrassingly long time ruminating over it and having exhausted every internet crossword site, I decided to call the New York Times Crossword Clue 976 number where I’d get the answer to my clue and the closure I so dearly sought. At $2 per minute though, I’d need to be quick about it or I’d rack up certain enormous numbers. Evidently in my haste to expedite matters, I misdialed (mis-poked really) and unknowingly called a phone sex number. I should’ve known something was amiss when the lady on the other end said, “Listen honey, do you know who you dialed? You haven’t got a clue do you?”

“No. I do have a clue,” I protested. “I do have a clue and it’s 28 across…8 letters…certain numbers. Any ideas?” 

“We get this a lot of this sweetie. You misdialed,” she instructed me. “This is 976-KISS, not 976-CLUE. You need to dial certain numbers to speak to the proper party.” I quickly hung up.

Yikes! I’d accidentally called a phone sex operator and it was now part of my permanent record. I was unclean. I wondered if I wouldn’t be allowed within 100 yards of Taylor Swift or locked out of the Disney Channel. But as the experience settled in and my curious mind began to consider this industry as an economic entity, I did some research and began an examination of this unique service from a labor management point of view. What I discovered was worth reading all the way to the end. Especially if you want to know the answer to the crossword puzzle clue.  I did not realize the industry was on the cusp of unionizing. You can learn a lot from doing crossword puzzles. Here’s my report:   Read the rest of this entry »

Hi antiquarians. I’m doing some genealogical research for the Keebler Co., and was hoping someone out there might know how Cookie Gilchrist and Cookie Rojas are related? Is it by recipe or in some other way? I don’t think it’s by recipe because it looks like they use very different ingredients.

Also where can I get a pair of Cookie’s designer athletic eyewear?

I found these 2 hiding in my computer’s memory with the rest of my cookies.

Dear Great Sky God, 

Please forgive me Sky God. I know not from where I speak…plus I’m kinda drunk.

It’s me, Feathers-in-his-Head Hardiman again; your brave brave. I’ve been meaning to say a few things to you and what better time than when I’m drunk. I got my Vodka Medical card and I know how to use it. Why go to the doctor when you can self-medicate? Some self-medicate by embracing a higher purpose. I choose alcohol, and this letter is proof. 86 proof. Strong stuff that vodka. 86 proof is like 130% alcohol. My vodka of choice is called Absolut Blotto.  

And I’m drot that nunk either cuz I know how to face myself. In fact I’m feeling real uplifted cuz I’ve been reading a bunch of commencement speeches given by highly paid achievers to people of varying Degrees. Turns out you can achieve anything you want to if you’re real lucky, meet the right people and don’t spread any STDs. And unlike Little League Baseball, you don’t get a participation trophy for just showing up. Anyway that’s what Bill O’Reilly said at Liberty College in 2014. Tough love bullshit really. I’m sorry I used profanity Great Sky God. I didn’t mean to say “Bill O’Reilly.” Read the rest of this entry »

You complete me. Now get your ass over here.

This is how the day began at my Misinterpreters’ Disorder Anonymous Meeting:  

Me (to group):                      Hello, my name is David Hardiman and I suffer from  Misinterpreters’ Disorder.

Co-sufferers (collectively):   Hello David.

Me (visibly shaken):               What do you mean “Hello David?” What are you trying to say? I wish I remained anonymous.

With Misinterpreter’s Disorder (MD), the big things (relationships, schooling and parenting) I got. It was the little things (simple greetings, stop signs and expiration dates) I just couldn’t process. They took on a different and wholly unexpected meaning not at all related to my drug use (if you can call watching Hogan’s Heroes drug use). This newly discovered disorder is now covered by ObamaCare along with treatment for people who still belong to the Mark Hamill Fan Club. MD sufferers often misconstrue the cues in their environment and interpret them incorrectly. For example, the other night at a poetry reading, a woman leaned over and quietly sneezed in my ear. Not wanting to embarrass her I calmly said, “God bless you madam.” She looked me at me kind of funny and said, “I didn’t sneeze. I was just asking if you enjoyed haiku.” Read the rest of this entry »

Author and lady-Viking Siri Hustvedt

Reviewer extraordinaire and lady-Lesbian Terry Castle

That line is from the movie Jaws, where an incredulous Richard Dreyfus surveys the peculiar wreckage of a shattered boat and announces, “This was no boating accident.” And in a sense this could apply to Terry Castle’s review of Siri Hustvedt’s novel The Blazing World. That is, at first glance the decimated boat looks just like any other wreck, but upon closer inspection Dreyfus observes the imprints of shark teeth and the telltale splinters and concludes otherwise. Similarly, at first glance, Castle’s well formatted review looks just like any other review, but upon closer inspection, we see the imprints of snark teeth and the telltale heart of the reviewer and I conclude: “This is no book review.” It’s something much more interesting than that and I was on to it early – I could smell the blood in the water.

Read the rest of this entry »

Red Loin Hotels: Championing Gay Geriatric Sexuality for almost 2 weeks (In other words, we’re trying to increase our occupancy rate)

No matter how old you are, age is something you always have.  And as you approach your twilight years Red Loin Hotel chain recognizes the special needs homosexuals of a certain age may require. And that’s why not only are we gay-friendly, but we’re also LGBT-compliant even though we have no idea what the B or the T stand for. Our marketing department can worry about that. We simply want to get the message out to people who enjoy similarly equipped people, that we’ve taken concrete steps to ensure your stay with us is both memorable and unforgettable; even though memorable and unforgettable both mean the same thing. Our marketing department can worry about that. We had earlier taken wooden steps to ensure your stay with us was memorable, but we found the concrete steps were more enduring and so will you.

Therefore it is with great pleasure we present Red Loin’s gay-friendly amenities:  Read the rest of this entry »