Author Archive

Bear-tipping Craze Strikes Appalachia

Ursine-toppling Mania Grips Region as Hillbillies Invoke Unknown Constitutional Amendment: “The right to bear tips.”

Groggy bear emerging from den just begging to be tipped.

Fifteen miles east of Dollywood Theme Park, in the backwater hamlet of Intelligence Gap, Tennessee, Purvis Cooter is excited about Hickam County’s upcoming bear-tipping festival. Early on the rural community was in a quandary over whether to fund the festival or spend the money on electrifying the town. They chose the festival and now the annual jamboree is the town’s major source of revenue – especially since the Fotomat closed. As the sister city of Pamplona, Spain, Intelligence Gap has reformulated Pamplona’s annual Running of the Bulls and calls its version The Tipping of the Bears. In 2012 Chuck Norris kindly refused their request to be Grand Marshall. Chuck Norris doesn’t tip bears. He just points, and they go down. Read the rest of this entry »

Bonkers in the Bunker: Hitler’s Final Days

Young Adolf, seen here in happier times. Note absence of malice.

With the recent discovery of Adolf Hitler’s Berlin bunker diary, scholars and skinheads alike have been combing the pages for insights into why the charismatic German Chancellor and spawn of Satan unleashed such evil. His diary was unearthed quite inadvertently when Disney broke ground for a new theme park in Berlin called “Maus Haus”. The handwritten journal catalogues how Hitler’s formerly unshakable belief in Aryan supremacy, miraculously transforms itself into a muddle of anxiety, so that ironically, by the end of the diary he sounds less like the ruler of the Master Race and more like a kvetching Jew. The same accounting firm that supervised the Oscar voting process (PricewaterhouseCooper) authenticated the diary, so we know it’s legit. Of course verification was made easier because of Hitler’s telltale handwriting – he dotted all his i’s with little swastikas.

Historians wonder what motivated Hitler. They speculate on Hitler this, and Hitler that. What I wonder is why Hitler is always referred to simply as “Hitler” and never as “Mr. Hitler”, as in, “Mr. Hitler then decided to invade his neighbor Poland.” Wait! Oh I see why. Mr. Hitler humanizes Hitler. Historians want to eliminate the possibility of a buoyant and fatherly “Mr. Hitler” rallying his nation to find their greatness after the humiliation of WWI. But one can easily imagine a title-less “Hitler” fanatically leading Germany down an inglorious path of self-destruction. Maybe that’s why there’s no Mr. Genghis Khan or Mr. Vlad the Impaler. Read the rest of this entry »

John Jacob Astor: America’s First Tycoon

John Jacob Astor was one of the 5 richest Americans ever.

John Jacob Astor (1763-1848) was America’s first multimillionaire. He made his fortune in the fur business, which at that time, was an honorable and necessary profession. In those mean, frigid times before the invention of Gore-Tex and Holofill, fur didn’t mean murder; it meant survival. Astor was a renowned furrier and his witty wife Sarah would often quip, “Oh you’re a furrier alright. In fact you’re furrier than anyone I’ve ever seen.”

Astor was born in Germany and emigrated to the United States after the Revolutionary War. He settled in New-York City, which at the time was just Manhattan and not yet the 5 boroughs we’re so familiar with today. Astor’s monopolistic fur trading empire stretched from the Great Lakes into Canada and all the way to the West Coast, which at that time was not yet part of the United States. That concludes the book report aspect of his life, which at this point has not yet become interesting. Read the rest of this entry »

 Lightning Strikes…Twice

Fellow Romantics and Normal People,

11th President James Knox Polk rocks my world and not because I’m stoned.

In life there are happy little things that appeal universally to everyone – like getting the crunchy, brown corner piece of macaroni & cheese or firing-up your Netflix cue on a rainy day. And then there are more esoteric things that appeal to a small clutch of peculiarly curated humans (yours truly among them) that make our hearts soar and our dreams toggle from wishful thinking to sweet reality. The experience I’m about to describe definitely falls into the latter category. It was my “macaroni & cheese moment” for the eccentrically endowed.

I have an extravagant interest in presidential history, so you’d not find it surprising I’ve grown especially enamored of the few extant presidential daguerreotypes taken at the dawn of photography (1839-1849). I’ve breathlessly examined these precious early daguerreotypes like a sculptor minutely studies the contours of his model to understand the interior superstructure supporting the external surface. I’ve pored over these images with wistful reverence, ardently projecting myself into the static black and white scenes to animate and colorize them while dreaming of meeting the personalities and experiencing the tenor of their times. And in all the time I’ve been doing this there has only been a finite number of images to enliven because (to paraphrase Will Rogers reason on why it’s a good bet to buy land) “They ain’t makin’ anymore.” Read the rest of this entry »

Epitaphs in the Cemetery for the Terminally Ironic

  1. Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

    They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.

  2.  

    1. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!

     

    1. Is it me or are you really that tall?

     

    1. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.

     

    1. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler

     

    1. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.

     

    1. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”

     

    1. Death is the ultimate mic drop

     

    1. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.

     

    1. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.

     

    1. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.

     

    1. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”

     

    1. Was privileged to see America made great again.

     

    1. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.

     

    1. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.

     

    1. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.

     

    1. Thanks a lot Obama!

     

    1. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}

     

    1. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.

     

    1. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”

     

    1. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya? 

     

GraveEncounters.com Presents: Personal Ads for Dead People

Good news for dearly departed souls  (seen here jumping for joy). Love never ends. It just changes form.

The matchmakers at GraveEncounters.com have created a corpse-friendly website for those dearly departed souls who are looking for love in the Afterlife. The graveyard has long been a dormant market for swinging singles, but with GraveEncounters.com’s patented NecroLink bandwidth and Blacktooth technology, the recently deceased can now pursue an affair of the heart long after theirs has stopped beating.  

As Celine Dion has so eloquently reminded us: Your heart will go on. And it’s not a cliché. Death won’t still the yearning heart from connecting with the One. Once having crossed over you’ll still retain that powerful urge to merge. And that’s why GraveEncounters.com has carefully screened over 8,000,000 profiles of dearly departed who are just dying to meet you. Alright, that was a cliché, but whether you’re recently deceased or have been a-moldering since before the wheel was discovered, we encourage you to browse our no-obligation preview page to find that special decedent who’s a match made in heaven. Enjoy the convenience of our “Virtual Mortuary” website where calling hours are 24/7. Who knows, maybe you’ll find love and no one will ever again have to pry your lover from your cold dead hands.

GraveEncounters.com: Because love shouldn’t have to end with, “Hey Doc, shouldn’t my liver be on the inside?”

 

A Sampling of Our Member Profiles

1. Lonely zombie seeks brainy type for companionship and more. Definitely more interested in your brains than your body.

 

2. Cryogenically frozen lady seeks a warm-blooded man to melt my cold, cold heart…and my other organs too. Please rescue me. I implore you. Your Ice Princess awaits her Prince Warming. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Corporate America,

This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty. This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes waiting to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty.

It’s time we had a talk. I want you to know I appreciate <insert product or service here>, but that I will never memorize my 12-digit account number. Additionally, I don’t know my password, which has been changed three times in the last year and contains a Capital letter, a Number and a Diacritical mark of some kind so that it looks more like a swear word than a password. Finally I never need to listen closely to your automated phone tree just because “some of our options may have changed.” I never had the original options memorized to begin with and I never will.

Please help me simplify my life by just looking up my name and authenticating me by verifying the answers to my security questions. The answers usually being: “6 months” and “grave robbing.”

And the questions being: How much jail time have you served? and What is your favorite hobby? (Which incidentally is the same reason I did jail time).

If you would do that for me <insert name of corporation here> I would get back the 2 months of my life I’ve spent trying to tell you it really is me.

Now, before you go, if you’d like to take a survey expressing your level of satisfaction with this letter, press 1 for yes. If you don’t press 1 for yes expect another 8 minutes added to your hold time – just sayin’.

Thank You for Listening,

Your Loyal Consumer David Hasenpfeffer

Trump Administration Revamps Executive Branch to Reflect Current Political Realities

Who says you can't teach an old seal new tricks? Who says you can’t teach an old seal new tricks?

In a top to bottom reorganization of the Executive Branch, the Trump Administration began to repurpose cabinet level departments and certain governmental agencies to better reflect their new role in the Oranging of America. The following is a list of rebranded names that more accurately express the new breeze blowing through their corridors:

 

1. After months of DNA testing, The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been demystified and is now called The Tomb of Corporal Larry Weaver

 

2. Department of Labor has been outsourced to India

 

3. The Department of Defense will get back its old swagger and revert to its original name: The Department of War. Spokagandist Sean Spicer remarked, “It’s what the founders would’ve wanted.”

 

4. Department of Health and Human Services is now just an Urgent Care near Baltimore

 

5. The Bureau of Weights and Measures will now be recalibrated and known as The Bureau of Alternative Weights and Approximate Measures

 

6. The Department of Education has morphed into The Ministry of Propaganda Read the rest of this entry »

Discovery of “God Particle” Prompts Equal and Opposite Reaction

So What Else is New?

Dateline: 4 July 2012, Geneva, Switzerland at CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research)

Dispiriting news from the world of Quantum Physics. Shortly after CERN research scientists confirmed the existence of the so-called “God particle” (aka the Higgs boson), a group of contrarian nuclear physicists calling themselves Doctor’s Without Scruples denounced the finding and proclaimed the so-called “God particle” to be nothing more than Cosmological Dandruff. Although there were many competing theories explaining the particle’s composition, Doctor’s Without Scruples believe their Cosmological Dandruff theory was Head & Shoulders above the rest.

As far as atoms go, this facility is absolutely smashing. As far as atoms go, the CERN facility is absolutely smashing.

What scale! What scale! A 17-mile loop.

Lead ion collision debris field - like you didn't know. Lead ion collision debris field – like you didn’t know. 

To everything CERN, CERN, CERN. To everything CERN, CERN, CERN.

Read the rest of this entry »

Can’t We All Just Get Along

 

"You got any Johnny Winter albums I could borrow?" “You got any Johnny Winter albums I could borrow?”

None of the other polar bears noticed the albino polar bear. Why would they? He blended right in and was all white with everybody. That is until one day somebody taunted, “Hey Rudolph, what’s up with that pink nose. You gonna guide somebody’s sleigh tonight?”

To which Rudolpho (he was a Spanish polar bear) replied, “I’m a polar bear just like you. Judge me by the content of my character not the color of my nose.”

A great lesson was learned that day and soon all the polar bears were holding paws and singing ♫I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.♫

The Coca-Cola Company then sued the polar bears for copyright infringement of intellectual property.

Are you kidding me? As Journey said in “Don’t Stop Believing”: It goes on and on and on and on…