Archive for February, 2024

1. On a dare I once swallowed a quarter. And next morning, in the toilet, were 2 dimes and a nickel.
2. There are times I’ve let my cat lick my head for way too long
3. I’ve used a blood pressure cuff…but not just on my arm
4. That of all the 10 Commandments, I’m compliant with maybe 2½ of them
   

   Not so fast “Uncle” Ben.

5. I once had to blackmail a black male. I really had no choice. After all, I came into possession of documents proving that Uncle Ben didn’t have any nephews. He was no uncle, and the whole kindly uncle thing was just a starchy, corporate scam. I was just following one of the Commandments: I did not bear false witness. I just told the truth until Ben cried, “Uncle.” And here’s the kicker: the proof that Uncle Ben had no nephews was given to me by a niece of Aunt Jemima.
6. Probably 85% of the music I’ve listened to has been Beatle music (actually I’m not really ashamed, I’m proud {Actually I’m not proud or ashamed I just love charting/imagining the creative process that led to so many lush and fully formed songs. Their inventive journey if you will. Even if you won’t….I Will [Get it? – I Will]})

 

Reset: Things I’m Ashamed to Admit

 

7. I once held up a picture of Raquel Welch for almost 10 minutes…and with only one hand
8. On more than one occasion, we went back through a Wendy’s Drive-thru to tell them they forgot our French fries…even though they didn’t forget our French fries. What can I say? Back then we were hungry and poor, and we wanted more French fries damn it.
9. I’ve peed in one of the oceans. I don’t want to spoil that ocean for you, so let’s just say it was a very Specific Ocean.
10. This is a tough one to admit, but when I’m all alone, I like to wear men’s underwear (thank you Steve Martin)
11. I don’t know if I’m choosing to be heterosexual or that I’m simply heterosexual {That Herb Alpert cover convinced me}.
12. I’ve never once showered before getting into a pool. And I never will. I will, however, shampoo after my cat licks my head for 15 minutes as purr the 11^th Commandment: Thou shalt not allow thine feline to preen its owners head for a period not to exceed 12 cubits without lathering, rinsing and repeating. Yea verily, let it be so.
13. One time I picked my friend, and then I picked my seat, and then (even though I knew you weren’t supposed to do it) I picked my friend’s seat. Oh the shame.
14. I’m neither binary, nor non-binary. It’s just the way I am and they are. So there.

1. The Beefcake Factory – Run by the NFL’s Kelce Bros, the food is great and the service (as you might expect) is Swift.
2. Lizzie Borden’s Chophouse – Ghoulishly trendy place. Diners are losing their heads over it.
3. The Scarlet Lobster – They only serve lobsters that have committed adultery. Popular in colonial Boston.
4. 

   Cook up some profits with restaurant franchising. 

   Anna Phylactic’s – A shockingly good restaurant. Before you even sit down, you’re served a complimentary shot of Benadryl

5. LGBTQ? It’s Friday– Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
6. Schrempf’s Almost Vowelless Restaurant – Try the alphabet soup at Schrempf’s. More consonants than you can shake a spoon at.
7. Gag Order – The first rule of Gag Order is you don’t talk about Gag Order
8. Hamid’s House of Hummus – Not recommended for the hummus-phobic
9. Burger Queen– The place is such a drag. Try the burger with the special cross dressing. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back.
10. Heimlich’s– A favorite of Nazis, this restaurant features small, chokable servings
11. The Pompous Ass– Place stinks. After dinner, all diners must exit through the rear. Sometimes people get stuck and they can’t go for days.
12. BJ’s Restaurant – The place blows. Nuff said
13. Slaughterhome – Caring female butchers have made this Slaughterhouse, a Slaughterhome. Some throw pillows here, a splash of blood there and Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home – It’s all sumptuously decorated in Modern Carnivore. I mean it’s authentically paleo, but with cutlery.
14. Sinnabon – Eat just one of these sinful buns and it’s straight to hell
15. Thai Phoid – An Asian eatery where Employees Must Wash Hands. But they don’t.
16. Ruth’s Chris’s Steaks Houses – In a pluralistic society, this is the kind of steakhouse you gets
17. A Confederacy of Donuts – Both the dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived celebration of plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and servants eat free. Ask about our Cotton-Pickin’ Specials. A Confederacy of Donuts is a subsidiary of Cracker Barrel.
18. The ICOP – A place where policemen can go to get their pancake on

 

Edited Out: The following did not make the grade. I won’t be investing in these.

19. Downunder Steakhouse – Nothing at all like Outback Steakhouse, it’s the home of the Bloomin’ Bandicoot.
20. Cellulite Thighs – Dumplings, biscuits and bagels are the “thighs that bind” in this wholly owned subsidiary of The Waffle House
21. Gristle’s– Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Carotid Artery
22. Dyson Vacuum Factory Cafeteria – Place sucks
23. I Love Garden, Aisle of Garden, Isle of Garden – Not affiliated with Olive Garden
24. The Earth’s Crust – Each table features a small fireplace and mantel. And that’s where the cooks place the dishes of the Earth’s Crust’s, just above the mantle.

 

 

1. 

   ABBA, IKEA, SAAB – It’s all Swedish to me.

   Foamed a runway

2. Played Liars Poker with George Santos
3. Foamed Katy Perry
4. Heard a Latin Pig grunt in Pig Latin, “nkoi-a, nkoi-a”
5. Misspelled ABBA: AHBBHA
6. Seeded a cloud with loose change just to watch it rain pennies from heaven
7. Visit Michealangelo’s sculpture studio to see all the people he got stoned
8. Gazed adoringly into your lover’s yearning eyes and breathlessly uttered, “Darling, my generals are writing checks, only your privates can cash”
9. Looked into a mirror and seen the back of your head
10. Removed (or implanted) an IUD in an elephant – hopefully a female elephant
11. Foamed a latte, then swirled a portrait of Mike Pence onto it

 

And one more dastardly one that should never have crossed my mind:

• You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve…Had your girlfriend pooh-pooh any talk of anal sex

Breaking News…SPONSORED

Lately people have wondered why David Hardiman’s writing has been so f*cking f*nny. Well now we know. He’s been using black market literary performance enhancing drugs purchased on the Dark Web. But not just any performance enhancing drugs. Literary performance enhancing drugs or LPEDs include ProseAct®, Mypenzasord® and Cleverify®.

 

These LPEDs operate similarly to the way Mary Tyler Moore did – They can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. Likewise, these LPEDs can take a nothing idea and suddenly make it all seem hilarious: for example; Man Returns Defective $750 Bookmark, or Dogs are Now Doing It Missionary Style. Prose-doping (as it’s called by literary critics) may seem like an unseemly expedient, but it renders Mr. Hardiman less inhibited, more insightful and better able to write good.

 

Prose Doping: Writers (and Readers) Take Warning

I thought I’d take a moment to illuminate these literary performance enhancing drugs (LPEDs). They are for literary types determined to express all of creation in a single paragraph. It’s hallucinogenics for writers (yeah like I need anything more to activate my imagination). There are 3 main classes of prose doping:

1. Inhibition Uptake Inhibitors: such as Proseact® relieve the Super Ego from constantly judging and allows a greater flow of verbiage through the hypothalamus and on into the fingers. Side effects include a desire to run with scissors and a complete understanding of all 7 levels of Marriott’s Vacation Club points awards system.
2. Matrix Colliders: such as Cleverify® allow the writer to accelerate contradictory ideas around their brain like in a cyclotron, then smash them together at high speed and write about the scattershot results to produce something called “Quantum Humor.” For example, the sentence “We must exercise our Free Will,” just sits there, but after smoking Cleverify® I cunningly morphed it into: “We must exercise our Free Will. We have no choice.”
3. Euphoria Perpetuators: This class of “Hey Jude” drug allows the writer to take a sad story and make it better. Mypenzasord® activates the same neurotransmitters fired by stamp collecting, hitting a beach ball at a Yanni concert or the satisfaction from having flossed for 3 consecutive days (see a doctor if you floss for 4 consecutive days).

 

You’ve seen what these LPEDs can do for Mr. Hardiman, so why not contact Pfizer Pfarmaceuticals on the Dark Web and see which LPED is right for you.    

 

Disclaimer:

• Hardiman is a paid spokesman for Pfizer Pfarmaceuticals and their apfiliates.
• His favorite dish is Chicken Pfarmesean.
• According to 23 and Me, and through no fault of his own, Mr. Hardiman is the great³⁶-grandson of Pontius Pilate.
• If you are experiencing a medical emergency, put your head between your legs or (better idea), put your head between the legs of someone you really like.
• Hardiman sees nothing wrong with reverse mortgages for unsophisticated seniors as long as he’s profiting from them.
• Hardiman had nothing to do with the Lindbergh baby kidnapping (apfidavit on pfile)
• Hardiman has never googled “Ethel Merman naked.” Whether or not he ever googled “Ernest Borgnine naked” is a matter for the courts to decide.
• His favorite Mel Brooks movie is Young Pfrankenstein

 

All ideas contained herein are the property of Doogie Howser and the Dalai Lama. The previous sentence written under the influence of matrix collider Cleverify®.

1. The Butchelor – A meat cutter searches for romance amongst a pool of free-range carnivores. If the Butchelor is interested, he sends her a single long-stemmed short-rib. The Meat & Greets are fleshy affairs where competitors can get their pork-pulled or their chicken-jerked depending on whatever thrills your grill. It’s rare that a show in this medium, is so well-done.
2. Hogan’s Gyros – After the war Hogan and his heroes earn a fortune selling gyros. In a delicatessen spinoff, his brother returns from the Navy and opens a sub shop.
3. The original Broadway musical 7 Brides for 7 Brothers is reimagined in this Mormon TV version entitled 14 Brides for 7 Brothers. It’s double the fun. And it’s big’o me to say that.
4. The Vegelor – A bachelor vegetarian searches for romance amongst an assortment of hot tamales, sweet petunias and silky cheesecakes. But watch what you say in this Vegetable Garden of Eden, because one of the vegetarians may be a plant. The Beet & Greets allow us to get acquainted with this year’s crop. In keeping with the Garden of Eden theme, all the women’s girly parts are fig-leafed. In the final show, the Vegelor selects his prize vegetarian-ette by placing a blue ribbon on her melons and planting a big wet one right on her lips.

In The Golden Vegelor (a spinoff for older audiences), the produce is a little more puckered, so the entire show takes place in a crisper.

5. The School of Soft Knocks – 3 Trust Fund babies discover there are only 2 first class seats left on their flight to Aspen for a ski vacation. Odd man out, Reginald can’t cope with loss of privilege and goes berserk in coach, until he’s tased by an Air Marshal.
6. America’s Got Feces – Gastroenterologist Simon Colon hosts this outdoor paean to poopy where contestants must “go where no man has gone before” including outhouses, hollow tree stumps and port-a-pottys. I think the show really stinks and is a human waste of time.
7. Little House on Drew Carey – In this HGTV pioneer show, micro cabins are built on Drew Carey’s unoccupied body parts. They all sellout quickly because The Price Is Right.
8. M*O*I*S*H – A Jewish version of M*A*S*H where everything is the same except the mess tent is kosher. The breakfast special is usually “fakin’-n-eggs.” It served retail, but they can get it for you wholesale.
9. Who Wants to Be a Kidney Donor – So far the show has had no willing contestants. Those who have been shanghaied into donating are given free dialysis for life.
10. Homo, or No Homo – In this game show, a celebrity panel must use their intuitive gaydar, to determine if a contestant is straight or gay
11. Jewpardy – It’s a Hebrew version of Jeopardy. Better know your Torah from your Kabbalah otherwise you might end up wearing the dunce yarmulke.
12. Gilligan’s Clavicle – The Skipper’s little buddy disappears after going to the hospital to mend a broken collarbone. The hospital said it would be a 3-hour cure. A 3      hour     cure!
13. Perry Mason without Pants – New AI technology undercuts the authoritative arguments of Perry Mason by showing the humorless counselor parading around the courtroom in his boxers and sock garters. The whole premise wears thin until they do the same with his curvy secretary Della Street.
14. William Randolph Hearst Writes His Name in the Snow – To sell more newspapers, the egomaniac newspaper publisher tries to spark a war between Spain and the United States by writing saber-rattling messages in the snow. It’s Yellow Journalism at its worst.
15. Vern & Shirley – An updated reboot. This time Laverne is a transexual. Garry Marshall returns from the grave to direct.
16. Sign Felled – A show about municipal street sign repair featuring a kooky neighbor named Yield, an ex-girlfriend named Merge, a bald friend named George Costanza and a comic named Banksy. Try as the writers did to give the show some meaning, it’s really a show about nothing.
17. Naked and Unpaid – Hookers discuss getting stiffed by their Johns
18. DIY Colorectal Makeover – Membrane linings really pop in this mucousy look at real “interior” decorating. Gastroenterologist all agree, watching this show takes intestinal fortitude. Dr. Simon Colon really shines doing double duty in hosting this show and America’s Got Feces, although he says they’re both, “Sh*t jobs.”
19. My Cephalopod Has a Swell Head – An arrogant whale named Kanye thinks he’s “all that” till a kayak gets stuck in his blowhole. At one point he marries a whale with a really big tail – and that’s no fluke. Closed Captioning recommended since the whales speak only in sonar.
20. Simon & Simone – A reboot of Simon & Simon where Simon has “cut the cord” and is now Simone. Caitlyn Jenner runs the detective agency.
21. I Love Lipids – In this CGI generated reboot, a very chunky Lucy eats all the candy at the chocolate factory. Ricky, now ballooned to 330 lbs., loves her just the same, although he does say she has some, “Splainin’ to do.”
22. Money Laundering and Money Dry Cleaning – Available on the Criminally Tidy Network. The show gives the viewer a little too much information on methods of getting blood stains out of currency. In the pilot, Bruno’s unattended little daughter Sophie accidentally eats a Tide pod. Bruno takes his vengeance by putting a contract out on both Proctor & Gamble.
23. Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program – After singing like canaries, stool pigeons must enter a witness protection aviary. What better place to blend in, than in a Jehovah community where everyone is already a witness.
24. Seventh Day Adventist Sing Eight Days a Week – Thrill to the cognitive dissonance when Seventh Day Adventists Caleb and Bathsheba try to sing Eight Days a Week. This show is a spinoff of The Fifth Dimension Plays 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
25. Third Trimester Adventist – Pregnant Adventists try to cope with an ever-darkening Linea Nigra late in their pregnancy.
26. Hi Gene – It’s the dirty story of a dirty man. One look at him will have you shouting, “Hygiene…for Christ’s sake.”
27. Obituaries of People Who Died a Timely Death – No untimely deaths in this punctilious show. This reality show celebrates the deaths of people who died an altogether proper and timely death, after a short and painless illness. Nobody lingers or has “good days and bad days.” Nope. Instead, your aged body becomes obsolete faster than tailfins on a Cadillac and then you’re off to see the wizard. This show has somehow managed to make death attractive and cool. Mortuary school applications are up 44%. The show is hosted by former Spice Girl, Hospice.
28. The Real Dental Hygienists of Orange County – The sexy underbelly of dentistry is penetrated as cavities are filled, implants are inserted and patients give their eye teeth for just a moment of ecstasy. Well-endowed hygienists get right in their patients faces for really close-up cleanings, and let them play motorboat in the cleavage of their scrubs. One watch of this steamy show and you’ll start to doubt whether enamel really is the hardest substance in the body.                                  Show Notes: A plaque on the wall shows plaque on the teeth. Hygienist Carrie discusses caries. The on-set Breath Mint Coordinator is a Greek named Halitosis. Disbelieving patients say their cavities are pulp fiction. The calculus is that this show is probably a bridge too far, although the rinse and spit scenes are truly cathartic. In S2 E3 there’s a mix-up at the office when Kyra goes in for a simple teeth bleaching and leaves with her anus white as a ghost.
29. 30 Minutes – A budget version of 60 Minutes. There may not be enough hours in the day, but there certainly aren’t enough minutes in 30 Minutes.
30. Talkin’ Studebakers and Mumbly Peg – You’d think these two wildly divergent topics would not be entertaining – one hasn’t been manufactured since 1966 and the other a stupid juvenile delinquent knife game – and you’d be right. But one has to remember it’s a spin-off of the wildly popular Vivisections of Jack Webb’s Pancreas. Hosted by Joe Rogan’s nephew, Bile.
31. Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please post on my wall Woodrow Wilson’s 14-Point Peace Plan with the comment, “I have always tried to wear pants,” then (and only then) can I call you my friend.
32. A Face Only a Prostitute Could Love – Boris Maliface did not get in line when they passed out good looks. He nonetheless parlays his facial misfortune into a highly successful radio career. And when people want their watches stopped, he is asked to look at them.
33. The Guy Who Keeps Saying, “Y’know 1820 wasn’t that long ago.” – A niche show for people on the spectrum (way on the spectrum) who delight in time banditry
34. Dance Like No One’s Watching – And no one was watching. But unfortunately, cameras were watching and we all get to see what a spaz you are. A cameo by Seinfeld’s Elaine character puts everyone at ease.
35. Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears, Oh My! – Austere religions go proselytizing in the land of Oz. A church lands on a wicked preacher and yada, yada, yada eventually they discover they were home the whole time.
36. A History of Back Up Lights – Before the advent of the telltale beep, beep, beep, this was the only way to know a vehicle was traveling backwards. Fittingly the show is run in reverse.
37. The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians – Drier than a thousand desiccant packs, this is the kind of vanity show that is made when Moravian tycoon Uriah Jubilee dies and leaves his entire fortune to the Moravian AV Club.
38. No Really, Your Buck Teeth Make You Look Even Prettier – A scheming grifter tries to appeal to an heiress’s vanity. She’s on to him though. So she demands he form a friendship with singer Art Garfunkel. When he asks her why, the domineering heiress icily responds, “Simon says, form a friendship with Art Garfunkel.”
39. Vanilla Sex– A very mainstream show. People just can’t seem to get enough of Vanilla Sex. For example, at watch parties, traditional viewers watch the show in the missionary position. Passionless love scenes had the show’s Intimacy Coordinators encouraging the actors to be a little less Vanilla and little more Rocky Road.
40. If You’re Experiencing a Medical Emergency, Please Hang Up and Dial 911 – In this game show a panel of medical professionals must determine if a contestant is really sick, or just a Munchausen Syndrome addict seeking attention.
41. OMGs – filled with Emojis and acronyms, Snickers really satisfies (yes, I’m starting to lose it here, not that the rest of this list is exactly cogent).

 

Thank You for your attention to this mostly humorous analgesic. If you didn’t experience temporary pain relief from life’s travails, please do not hesitate to return it all to Costco for a full refund.

 

 

 

 

Author’s Cut. Edited Out:

 

• Thinking Outside the Box: You’re Just in a Bigger Box Because You’re Still Thinking – Turns out thinking is limited and concepts aren’t where it’s at, and that boundless, ineffable experience is our natural state…sponsored by Nvidia
• Please Listen Carefully, As Some of Our Options Have Changed – Married for 45 years, hilarity ensues when Sadie shocks Milton with some of the new things she wants to do to spice-up their sex life. You’ll laugh till you plotz.

 

 

1. 

   The National Holiday we don’t get a day of for (beautiful grammar there). 

   National Anthem sung by William Shatner

2. Halftime reenactment of Washington crossing the Delaware
3. Bring a smelt. Get a smelt. (Up to 5)
4. Knack tribute band performs “My Sharona”
5. Clothing Optional seating area
6. Larry Csonka moustache shave for charity
7. Goal Posts 3 feet wide
8. YouTube clip of Lucy lighting her nose on fire
9. Between 1^st and 2^nd quarter, fans to participate in 10-minute hymnal of “Bringing in the Sheaves”

HALFTIME

1. Helium rich environment so QB cadences sound like Mickey Mouse
2. Competitive Pork Rind (pigskin) eating contest
3. Smoking allowed for a change
4. Hologram of Pete Rozelle trying to pronounce name of Panthers RB Tshiminga Biakabutuka
5. Tom Cruise rappels down from scoreboard
6. Kim Kardashian’s Big Ass slide show
7. All private boxes open to the public
8. Pet friendly event
9. First 3000 fans get an above ground pool

Oh, I could go on and on. I already have.

My buddy Franco is not elderly. Norman Lear was elderly. Franco is ancient. He’s older than dirt – literally. He’s so old he still suffers from hearing loss from standing too close to the original Big Bang. But more noteworthy is that he’s the only person with 24 pairs of chromosomes (instead of the usual 23) – a genetic mutation caused by a very tempting apple his mother Eve probably shouldn’t have eaten. Well, she was warned, but that’s another story.

And on the genes of that 24^th chromosome were pristine DNA strands that prevented Franco’s bodily tissues from ever aging; so he’s never gotten old. He’s like one big stem cell. In fact, when he submitted his saliva for genetic testing to 23 and Me, the findings revealed he was related to everyone, everywhere, all at once. As a result, he’s the answer to the question: Who’s your daddy?

Not one to let the rich premise of a preposterous story escape my clutches, I decided to ask Franco about his many and varied experiences, lo these many epochs. And he enthusiastically shared with me great and colorful historical anecdotes I’ve highlighted below:

 

Franco is So Ancient That…

1. He rented the last room at the Bethlehem Inn on Dec. 24^th, forcing Mary & Joseph to camp out in the manger
2. Franco had a platonic relationship…with Plato.
3. His favorite soup? ­– Primordial
4. He came to America via the Siberian-Alaskan land bridge (that is, once he got his Bering Strait)
5. He used to call Methuselah “Junior”
6. When a young Alfred Nobel won a church raffle in Sweden, it was Pastor Franco who presented him with the first ever Nobel Prize
7. At different times of his life, he’s eaten various alphabet soups teeming with cuneiform, Cyrillic or English letters. He didn’t care much for the Egyptian hieroglyph soup – “too many ankhs, not enough ibises.”
8. It was Franco’s idea to humanize his tribal leader Atilla by nicknaming him “the Hun”
9. Same thing with Vlad. When the murderous tyrant wanted to instill even greater fear in his perceived enemies, it was the fertile mind of Franco who came up with “The Impaler.” And it stuck, so to speak.
10. In addition to his platonic relationship with Plato, he had a tactile relationship with Play-Doh. Oh, how he loves his homonyms.

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