Author Archive

When Popular Mechanics magazine said, “You don’t need to reinvent the wheel,” he did it anyway. Mr. Hardiman ignored their calls for circular restraint and thought “outside the circumference” in reimagining the millennial old rolling disk. Drawing from the highest spiritual concepts available, Mr. Hardiman revolutionized the wheel by imbuing it with “the path of least resistance.” A creed perfectly suited to tire design. His new wheel rolls like it’s in a completely frictionless environment – like the atmosphere in a Stepford household. This wheel is so advanced, it’s always rolling downhill – both ways.

 

In perfecting the Holy Grail of geometric shapes he made it so round, so firm and so fully packed he didn’t know whether to roll it or to smoke it, so he did both and achieved a naturally perfect roundness last seen in the butt cheeks of Kim Kardashian (from what I’m told). Hardiman’s reinvented wheel is rounder, rollier and immaculately circular. How did he achieve the new wheel’s dynamic rollability?

 

Hardiman Explains

Similarly to decisions in the field of case law which contradict precedent cases of settled law, I just intuitively believed felt that the wheel was not a “settled invention.” It could be improved upon, if not reinvented altogether. I further postulated that since the root of all suffering is desire, I would remove that bugaboo from the equation for the circumference (C) of a circle by rewriting it from: C = 2 π r.  To: C = (2 π r – desire). Right there with a few nimble hieroglyphs, I excised the suffering, smoothed things out and imbued the wheel with the path of least resistance. Simple really.    

 

What’s Next?

After reinventing the wheel Mr. Hardiman takes on the napkin, sliced bread and those little desiccant packets you find in clothing. Then again, tinkering with these cultural mainstays would probably mean taking the path of most resistance.

This list is inspired by real life events: My new Honda’s tires were filled with nitrogen. True. There are many advantages to this option they say, but the only one I can think of is as an inspiration for this list. I wish tires were filled with helium so cars would weigh less. Hmmm…must tweet Elon Musk about this. In any event, here are some other options of equal or lesser value:

1. Ear-Piercing Back up Beeper – Back up with all the self-importance of a cement truck. With this “Can You Hear Me Now” feature they’ll make way for you even if you are driving a dinky little Corolla. 
2. Urn Holders – More than just an ash-tray. Take your loved ones with you wherever you go. Perched just above the window, your cindered loved ones will appreciate peering out to see what they’ve been missing. Rhino horn holders also available.
3. Intermittent Braking: This feature randomly disables the regular brakes thereby allowing drivers the heart-stopping thrill of trying to locate the emergency brake in a hurry.
4. Rear Stabilizer Bar – Serves Beer and Wine to passengers in rear. If under 21 Rear Stabilizer Bar also serves Capri Sun juice pouches.
5. Blackout Windshield – Available only to instrument-rated drivers driving in IFR conditions
6. Self-Driving Miss Daisy Car – Driverless car answers commands in Morgan Freeman’s voice. At the end of each ride, we all understand each other more deeply.
7. Glove Box Lobster Tank – Make every excursion feel like you’re going to the Red Lobster. Must have waterproof registration and waterproof of insurance.
8. Frontview mirrors – The perfect companion piece to rearview mirrors. Allows driver to turn around, look behind into a mirror, to see what’s in front of them. Helpful when you tire of just sitting and looking straight ahead. Note: This option is more of a conversation piece than anything else. Must be a complete idiot to actually use it.
9. X-rated Transmission Hump – Talk about racy. This adults’ only hump comes in two styles: Missionary and Doggy.
10. Ice Bucket Challenge Seats – A different kind of bucket seat. When you least expect it a shower of ice cubes pours down from the headliner. Comes in handy when feeling drowsy. Also supports ALS sufferers, although no one knows exactly how.
11. Phone Tree Announcement Changer – Ties in with iPhone and allows caller to erase the stupid part of the announcement that says, “If this is a medical emergency hang up and dial 9-1-1.” Also removes the “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.” Very satisfying.
12. 130-gallon Windshield Washer Reservoir – Fill it once and forget it. Adds a road-hugging 1000 lbs. of liquid ballast while lowering the vehicle’s center of gravity. Even in the windiest of conditions, never again worry about tipping over.
13. Heated Spare Tire – Some say it’s frivolous, but who doesn’t like a nice toasty donut.
14. Glass-Bottom Car – AKA The Reverse Sunroof. Instead of a window on the world above, you can now get a window on the world below. A clear acrylic sheet across the floorboards allows you to watch the world rush by under your feet. This way you can drive and keep your eyes on the road.
15. Pumpkin Spice Gas Cap – Who says petrol and squash aroma don’t mix?
16. Oval Tires – Great for evening out the most obtrusive of speed bumps. Guarantees your kids will be born dizzy.
17. Tom Carvel’s gravelly voice narrates the onboard GPS – Google him or substitute Harvey Fierstein if you’d like.
18. Old School Anti-ABS – This Anti Anti-Lock brake System removes the ABS requirement and allows you to “Make Breaking Great Again.” No more “so-called” controlled stops with this feature. Once you slam on the brakes you’re skidding till you stop, just like God intended.
19. Light Indicating Low Self-Esteem – The ultimate idiot light. If you’re insecure enough to purchase this option, then it deserves to stay on.
20. Digestive Gas Gauge – This digestive aid tells you exactly how much gas is in your system, or if you’re just full of sh*t. Must purchase companion “Slim-Fit” anal probe.
21. Fluid Level Cluster – Tells you exactly how much fluid is in your Bladder and whether you can make it to the next stop.
22. Engine-mounted Panini Maker – Leave hungry and arrive at your destination with a grilled Ham & Brie sandwich courtesy this feature that smartly presses a sandwich between the bottom of hood and top of engine manifold. Grill marks are etched to perfection. Think of it as a huge carbon footprint Panini maker.
23. Get the Option that never stops tinkling: Roof Mounted Wind Chimes. Make your vehicle a New Age Dreamboat. Who doesn’t like to tinkle?
24. Specialized 20-speaker Audio system that just listens. Then it empathizes and eventually counsels you on ways to overcome life’s obstacles. Must combine with self-esteem gauge.
25. Run Flat Goulash-filled Tires – Can substitute Tuna Noodle Casserole. Nitrogen not available.
26. Seats Treated with FartGard – Drive comfortably with greater peace of cheeks with this TMI feature. If you fart into it, it farts back. It detects, calculates and displays total number of farts in all seats and their relative humidity upon initial discharge. Again, more than you want to know, and it might make you queasy, but please, if you are experiencing a medical emergency, stop reading and call 9-1-1.

Good Bye Chicken Kiev, Hello Fowl Kyiv?

If you’re like me (which I doubt very highly) you’ve noticed a slow-building and insidious trend in the renaming of major global cities. Cartographers are calling this syndrome Global Conforming. This sop to the signage industry began with the ancient city of Peking, which overnight in the 70’s became Beijing, thereby eliminating Peking Duck as my go-to Chinese restaurant order (Under no circumstances will I ever order Beijing Duck). Then Bombay, India decided it couldn’t deal with its pleasingly exotic name and renames itself Mumbai. Mumbai – which sounds like you’re trying to say “Monday” with a mouthful of Novocain. Not a good look India. Or a good sound either. So now Bombay Sapphire becomes Mumbai Sapphire? Nope. I’m not drinking that jungle juice.

 

As an American against the unwelcomed name changing of major cities or (AAUNCMC), I propose we turn back the fonts of time to the way things should be. And that brings me to Kiev, Ukraine. Kiev was a national capital when dinosaurs walked the Earth (not really, but you get the point). Why in tarnation, or in any nation, has Kiev suddenly (and without permission) become Kyiv? Really? So long Chicken Kiev. Hello Fowl Kyiv. Johnny Cougar back to John Mellencamp – that I get. But this politically correct urban renaming is done with all the clinical sterility of a Stepford wife doing laundry. To me these unilateral name changes should be called what they are: The Signage Industry Full Employment Act. Read the rest of this entry »

1. 

   Cut it out.

   I’m living in fear that Jeopardy! does not have a succession plan for Alex Trebek. I’ll take Worry for $2000 Alex.

2. Same for “Wheel” and Pat. And don’t get me started on Vanna. That chick is 62 years old now. She’s been turning heads and letters for over 30 years now*. * I know, I know. She only touches the letters now.
3. I’m bothered that in Spain they speak Spanish not Spainish
4. I hear vegan Spaniards speak Spinach – at least those are the sounds they “produce.”
5. In France they speak French when they should speak Franch
6. In the Flemish region of Belgium they speak Mucous and the sidewalks are covered in it.
7. Speaking of speaking; at Gallaudet University they speak sign language without saying a word. When they want to scream they wear all CAPS. I mean they all wear caps.
8. I’m bothered that the Philippines is populated by Filipinos not Philippinos. How does Ph change to F?
9. The original bother: The whole 2 Darrin’s thing on Bewitched is still fresh in my mind. They think they can just replace a husband and not say anything. Just twitch your nose Samantha and order up a new husband. I’m still scarred.
10. I wonder if I lose my mind, what I’ll have left. This list probably. Hey wait a minute.
11. We act like we know everything when we should be saying, “I know that I know nothing.” Pinched this gem from Plato and for this I’m not really bothered.
12. Why is Peking now Beijing? Peking worked fine for 700 years. And yet restaurants still call it Peking Duck.
13. Bombay has become Mumbai. And yet top shelf bottles are still called Bombay Sapphire.
14. I only need 1 out of 10 letters sent to me. Maybe Vanna can turn back the other 9 letters.
15. Realizing that we’re all living on just the “crust” of the Earth makes me feel insignificant. What will my epitaph be? “I trod around on the outside of a big piece of toast till I died. Now I’m buried in one of its nooks and crannies.”
16. That Walter White is now just Bryan Cranston. That’s a really Bad Break.
17. If there’s one prevailing force pervading everything, why are there so many religions trying to describe it? I wish people would stop practicing their religions and just perform them. With all the practice they should know what to do by now.
18. Denali was Mt. McKinley now it’s back to Mt. Denali. What about the Nile? Will it now become Denial?
19. John Mellencamp was a Cougar now he’s a fruit (a mellen?). Oh bring back my Johnny to me.
20. These lists bother me. I think it’s preventing me from self-actualizing or something. Well at least I’m drawn to the unruffled sangfroid of Matthew McConaughey, so obviously there’s been some growth on my part.
21. Jennifer Aniston was jilted by Brad Pitt and is now the world’s oldest 26 year old. Yeah I’m bothered why I age and she doesn’t. Note to self: Must start putting Aveeno on my Corn Flakes.
22. Since we’re talking about Brad Pitt’s ex-girlfriends, I suppose I should now say something about Gwyneth Paltrow. But I won’t. I’m already knee deep in this Goop.
23. And don’t get me started on Angelina Jolie – a restraining order already prevents that.
24. The word “empty” should be spelled “mt”. There’s no clarity anywhere. I feel so, so, so mt.
25. Pluto is no longer a planet. Who has the right to demote a planet? I understand Pluto has adopted a symbol and is referring to itself as “the planet formerly known as Pluto.” And yes, I’m bothered by this. Oh, like you’re not.
26. I’m bothered that we don’t discuss the absence of Mother Theresa enough
27. I’m bothered that we don’t discuss the presence of the Dalai Lama enough
28. Bill Cosby seemed like such a nice man. But I should’ve known something was up when he shamelessly promoted New Coke.
29. There are a lot of people who were never caught doing really bad stuff; and they may even be doing it now. Then again I hear God does sort them out later, so in some sense I’m not really too bothered by supposedly unpunished Earthly indiscretions.
30. I’m bothered that everyone isn’t more like Mr. Rogers. If everyone was like Mr. Rogers, I could finally be a bad ass. Well, maybe not a bad ass, but at least feared more than PBS travel writer Rick Steves.
31. I’m bothered that we’re not supposed to be distracted drivers and yet municipalities allow glitzy outdoor billboards to timeshare between (for example) SPCA warnings and Wheel of Fortune ads. Causing me to at first wince at the cruelty to animals and then (once the timeshare switches) turn my head back to see what Vanna is wearing. Oh, I can’t text (fair enough), but you can keep my eyes off the road in the name of commercialism.
32. I’m bothered that I’m up to number 34 now and the Prozac is having absolutely no effect on me. I wonder why it was labeled “Lipitor.”
33. <Putting myself in timeout. I need a break. You need a break.>
34. I’m back and I’m running a temperature so now I’m hot and bothered.
35. I’m bothered that I misunderstood what celibacy meant and so for 45 years I never played sax.
36. And through this cathartic process of enumerating perturbations, discomfitures and whiny little misgivings, I’m cured. Thank you for listening. My New Year’s Resolutions are resolved. I’ll see you next year with a new, more elevated list: Why it’s All Good, Even When It Doesn’t Appear to Be All Good.

A United Nations report warns that Social Climate Change is drying up reservoirs of small talk faster than they can be refilled. This drought of amiable conversation has forced some chit-chat-challenged countries to opt out of small talk altogether, leaving their muzzled citizenry speechless. As more nations begin pulling the plug on small talk, it has created an unsustainable social climate of too many tight-lipped wallflowers clamming-up at too few social events. Anthropologists have named this dreary and dangerous planetary condition Global Boring. What was once an easy and friendly, “Hey, what’s up? How you doin’?” has morphed into a pained and stilted “Your separateness disturbs me. Please leave.” 

A worldwide drought of basic chit-chat has landed small talk on the endangered speechies list. It’s sad to think homo sapiens have devolved from erect and engaging conversationalists into slack-jawed text monkeys. If the current rate of stilted conversation continues, social scientists predict small talk will be extinct by 2050 and will be replaced by a few symbolic emojis expressing everything from “Excuse me good sir, may I use your chamber pot” to “Y’know a lint trap is just Banana Republic’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a new shirt.”

The only place small talk remains unchanged is in the bedroom, where the immortal exclamation of “Oh my God, oh my God, Oh…My…God!” is still breathlessly expressed as “Oh my God, oh my God, Oh…My…God!” This time-honored pledge of allegiance to each other, is indivisible; with liberty and just-ass for all. Read the rest of this entry »

Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed

Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time

1. If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
2. You should see the other guy
3. Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
4. What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
5. Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
6. Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
7. What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
8. Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
9. If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
10. I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
11. I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
12. Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
13. If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
14. All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
15. We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
16. (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
17. Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
18. It’s nice being able to sleep in
19. It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
20. Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
21. I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
22. I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
23. As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
24. Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
25. Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
26. Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
27. The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”

Breaking their silence after spending over half a century deciding when was the right time to “go public” with their bombshell, the Cowsills decided now is the ime and have issued a coordinated statement splashed across all their social media platforms (AOL, Yammer, and MySpace) declaring: “The Cowsills firmly believe the moon landing was faked. Not all of them, just the second one.”

 

Drummer Bob Cowsill went on to explain why the band waited so long to detonate their lunar bombshell, “We didn’t want our public stance to interfere with our bookings. And since we haven’t had any since 1983, we felt that now was a good time.” Bob then further explained the essence of the statement by breaking into the band’s 1967 signature hit The Rain, the Park & Other Things: “♫And I knew. I knew, I knew, I knew, There wasn’t a moon landing, landing, landing ♫.  

 

Of the three remaining Cowsill members (Bob, Susan and Paul) only 2 of them actually believe the moon landing was a hoax. Cute little Susan Cowsill (now 60) is the lone holdout. She believes Apollo 12 did land someplace besides earth, just not on the moon. In a prepared statement she said: “Now I’m no astronomer, but the moon is a fickle thing. Heck sometimes you look up and it’s not even there. So how could someone land on it if it’s missing?”

 

And in an unprepared statement Susan said: “These rehab centers really help. Especially after the 20^th stay.”

Meanwhile, in another part of the pretend world we sometimes inhabit, Partridge Family spokesman and former manager Reuben Kincaid referred all questions on the Cowsills’ statement to Partridge Family mother hen Shirley Jones who said, ♫C’mon get happy.♫

What’s next in the realm of eccentric announcements? Loretta Lynn claiming Dolly Parton wears a wig.  

 

Cowsills Proclamation Moves the Needle for Moon Landing Conspiracists.

There are a still a few Cowsill devotees in bomb shelters who have sent word through their Ham Radios that they “Received the Cowsill message and will adjust their lives accordingly.” Vegetarian Cowsill devotees in bomb shelters have been communicated similar messages through their Tofu Radios which they say sound just like Ham Radios.

 

“This is huge,” said an operator with the handle XTC4U. “We’ve been waiting for the Cowsills to weigh in on this issue for decades. When they talk, we listen. This just confirms everything we believed about NASA’s great Hoax – not on the first moon landing, just the 2nd.” When reminded that the Cowsills were a family rock band from the 1960’s who haven’t had a hit on the charts since 1970, XTC4U removed his homemade aluminum hat and responded with, “And you’re point is? My God, they’re the Cowsills. The COWSILLS damn it! Can you not hear me? They made this announcement on MySpace for Christ’s sake and now it’s gone larval.”

 

Other Ancient Rock Stars Late to the Party with Their Own Pronouncements

1. Predictably the remaining Monkees have come out against animal research on all remaining monkeys.
3. The Captain and Tennille released a rambling Manifesto (is there any other kind) deploring Daylight Savings Time: “Darryl and I find the imposition of enforced Daylight Savings Time oppressive and a promotion of Fake Time.” What makes their pronouncement all the more demented is that the Captain and Tennille live in Arizona where Daylight Savings Time is outlawed. They say they’re doing it for all the unborn children who could conceivably be late or early to preschool depending on whether it’s spring forward or fall back.
5. The Sex Pistols have come out in favor of allowing cars the option of turning not right on red, but left on red. They’re English so it’s really no big deal. They drive on the left side of the road anyway and they practice left on red.
7. Lead singer Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane/Starship is calling for the abolishment of slavery. The NAACP reminded Ms. Slick that slavery was abolished in 1865 saying, “That’s not too slick Grace.” While other more charitable members thanked for her insights saying “That’s Amazing Grace. Just Amazing Grace.”
9. Engelbert Humperdinck piggybacked or humperdincked (as piggybacking is referred to in England) on the whole “aging rock star pronouncement thing” and issued this peculiar statement, “I’d just like to say that although I’m not at all homophobic, I am uncomfortable being around people who are bilingual. In fact, I don’t even like flying on Aer Lingus. Please release me. Let me go!”

America Reacts Swiftly to the Cowsill Bombshell: “Ummm…What the hell’s a Cowsill?”

Calling this 50 years after-the-fact assessment from a long-forgotten band and “act of the utmost inconsequentiality,” America breathed a collective sigh of “We’d be more dismissive if this pronouncement thing even registered with us. It does not. This will never be one of those ‘do you remember where you were moments’ when the Cowsills announced they thought the moon landing was faked. What we need is less Cowsill and more cowbell.”

A Lot to Unpack Here. Let’s Get Started.

I’m always amazed when a paradigm-shattering event of monumental significance detonates in our midst, and then is promptly scrubbed from memory once the next day’s news cycle begins. I’m referring, of course, to the recent discovery of an interdimensional portal to a parallel universe. How is it that such a colossal spiritual windfall seems to have gone almost unnoticed? Thankfully both the dust and the amnesia associated with this monumental explosion has begun to vanish and it’s forcing people to reassess deeply held beliefs in fields ranging from the nature of God to the sport of competitive eating. So whether your interests lie in self-awareness or in self-engorgement, this revelatory portal has something to offer everyone.   

 

The very first portal to these parallel universes was accidentally excavated by little Timmy Cratchit when the eager lad was digging at the bottom of a box of Froot Loops in hopes of grasping its buried prize – a miniature Batmobile. Instead of the Batmobile he found something that was well beyond his grasp. Well beyond anybody’s grasp for that matter. Neither Timmy nor his soon-to-be concerned parents expected the 6 year-old to stumble upon the Holy Grail of entryways: a welcoming portal to unspeakable profundity. Read the rest of this entry »

Answer: Reckless Daredevil of course.

Why anyone would suggest Evel Knevel secretly ate a plant-based diet is beyond me. Although since this suggestion came from me, how can it be beyond me? You think you’re puzzled, think how I feel. And furthermore, is this any way to begin an action-packed story about the daring exploits of Evel Knevel? Clearly I’ve got work to do. First I have to win you back, and secondly I’ve got to write an entertainingly white-knuckled story about Evel Knevel soaring above the earth, if only for a moment, while straddling a fulminating 50 horsepower engine between his legs in a dangerous yet delicate ballet of man and machine. So yeah, I get it. This story would be a whole lot better if it didn’t include my inner dialogue.

 

But the fact that I meander, digress and can’t seem to get out of my own way says more about the author of this story (me) than any of Mr. Knevel’s audacious feats. Sometimes I don’t know what I like more: Evel Knevel or the idea of Evel Knevel. At this point however, I believe the writer of this piece (again, that’s me) does a great disservice to the King of Motorcycle Jumping by continually inserting himself into a story that’s supposed to be about Evel Knevel. So I protest my own presence here (man vs. himself?) and will try to vector hard towards reigning in my ego and dedicating what’s left of this piece to a celebration of Evel’s daring motorcycle jumps – spectacular jumps in which the King shattered numerous records as well as numerous bones. Read the rest of this entry »