Author Archive

1. Local Bank Stuck Up. Bank manager disagrees. Says employees aren’t pretentious at all.
2. Greta Garbo Places Personal Ad. Evidently she no longer vants to be alone.
3. Astronomer’s All Agree: Babe Ruth’s Head Couldn’t Possibly Get Any Bigger
4. Motion Pictures to be called “Movies”
5. Wretched Economic Conditions to be called “The Depression”
6. Curious Voters Demand to Know: “Why is FDR Always Sitting?”
7. Howard Hughes Starting to Act Weird. Former Housekeeper Says Crawl Spaces Filled with Jars of Urine.
8. Sigmund Freud Believes the Depression is Causing depression
9. Aviator Charles Lindbergh Crosses…His Mother – Marries Anne Morrow
10. Charles Lindbergh Likes to Fly His Plane Fast Against Others. Experts All Agree – He’s a Racist.
11. Nazi Germany Becoming a Little Too Well Organized
12. Italy Asks: WWMD – What Would Mussolini Do?
13. America Asks: What’s the Deal with the New Deal?
14. The Beatles Invade New York City. ////I know. It’s from the 60s, but I just love the Beatles.
15. Country Loses Productivity as Millions Waste Time Listening to the Wireless
16. John Steinbeck Encouraged to Change Book Title from The Wrath of Grapes
17. Mickey Mouse Still Wearing a Diaper Despite Being 7 Years Old Now
18. Sediment from Dust Bowl Packaged as Ovaltine
19. Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway Born. Will Grow Up to Become Bonnie & Clyde
20. Black Speedster Jesse Owens Wins 4 Gold Medals at Berlin Olympics. Indignant Hitler Fills Them with Chocolate.
21. Architects Hold Up Bank. Claim it’s the only way to prevent it from sagging.
22. Playtex Holds Up Mae West. Claim it’s the only way to prevent her from sagging.
23. Archaeologists Begin Search for Eleanor Roosevelt’s Chin.
24. Hindenburg Hoax Continues. Dirigible Seen Intact in Stuttgart. “Oh the Duplicity.”
25. Miss America Marries Mr. Universe. Gives Birth to Baby Ruth
26. Einstein Beginning to Wash Hair in Static Electricity
27. Prohibition Ends Today: Entire Country Hungover Tomorrow
28. Jazz Music and Marijuana Corrupting America’s Youth. One Must Be Made Illegal!

Separation of Church and State – yes. But nowhere does it say anything about separation of Church and Mouse. Witness Disney’s all new Promised Land theme park.

These days most kids view Vacation Bible Schools as a sentence to endure rather than a vacation to enjoy. They hope to avoid the drudgery of Deuteronomy by kidsplainin’ to their parents, “C’mon mom, there’s an app for it now.” For many people, Vacation + Bible + School just doesn’t add up. While to some it’s a celebration of scripture, to others it’s a well-intentioned holiday in hell. Separately each word of Vacation Bible School has great merit.  

Vacation: Good. Who doesn’t like a nice long vacation?

Bible: Also Good. Even though today’s modern reader must factor-in the ancient mindset of the benighted authors of the day who had no idea Tater Tots would forever change the way we think about potatoes.  

School: Mostly good. It’s an educational place where you can learn important things like how to ask out girls without having your voice crack.  

So separately the words are all good. But put them all together and what have you got – a recipe for “Is my sentence up yet?”

I doesn’t matter what you call it: Bible Boot Camp, a Vacation with God or a Holiday in Heaven, the words Vacation, Bible and School just don’t fit together – kind of like Reasonable Attorney Fees or Non-Stop Flight. So what is to be done about Vacation Bible Schools’ sagging attendance by an increasingly secular audience? As you might expect, the Walt Disney Company has an answer.   Read the rest of this entry »

“Just let me check your credentials and I’ll let you right in. You do have your credentials, right?”

While it’s true that Heaven’s eligibility requirements have remained unaltered since God first sneezed the Cosmos into existence 15 billion years ago (6,000 years ago for my orthodox Christian friends), a growing chorus of HOA members have begun to proclaim the right to print their own Golden Ticket to Heaven. HOA President-for-life and creator of the gated community, our Almighty Lord, was at a loss to explain the misunderstanding – especially since he thought he’d been preaching to the chorus the whole time. Through his chosen emissary and longtime Pearly Gate bouncer St. Peter, the Lord reminded us that, “The laws of the Cosmos are unbending and universally applicative. There isn’t some ‘Yeah, well Heaven’s requirements might apply to faceless masses toiling in the fields, but surely not to sophisticated, self-aware souls like me who were into the whole craft beer thing before it became mainstream’.” 

St. Peter went on to explain: “There is no work around for entitled souls that will catapult their privileged asses into the vault of Heaven. Your karmic résumé must reflect balance, otherwise you’ll be catapulted back into another birth till you wake up and smell the karma. Sometimes it stinks to high heaven and other times it’s your best friend to break you out of the illusion of separateness. It will even out. It must. It does. These are not my laws inasmuch as they are the laws. Don’t blame the messenger. I’m just passing it on. This link may be of aid: Paths to God (not preachy) Read the rest of this entry »

No Joke: This is Lapland’s Coat of Arms. Why he’s almost naked is beyond comprehension as is the cold up here in “The Land that Heat Forgot.”

Hallå, my name is Dàvvet Østend and I live in Lapland – the frozenest place on earth. Actually “live” might not be the operative word to describe existence here. “Survive” might be a better word. Lapland is an icy and forbidding landscape located on the fringes of Scandinavia, well north of the Arctic Circle, where nothing should be located except imaginary lines and Norse mythologies. Lapland is not a God forsaken land. It’s just a forsaken land – God doesn’t even bother with us. Neither does Google. They won’t even map us. Then again, aren’t God and Google really the same thing, except Google knows more about you than God does?  

Lost in Frost

Growing up here in “the land that heat forgot” my body temperature never rose above 95°. Hypothermia was the norm and 95° was the new 98.6°. I lamented the depths of my frozen plight to wise old Uncle Anders. And this esteemed tribal elder bestowed upon me his Nordic wisdom, born of years of frigid deprivation: “You see Dàvvet, up here in Lapland, we’re all just in between bowel movements. No more, no less.” As I slowly backed away from my dear old uncle I realized that the constant cold had left both his philosophies and his potatoes half-baked. Read the rest of this entry »

1. 

   Costco: A bulwark against consumer timidity. You know you love us.

   Whirlpool Water Hardener: Who wants soft water when these days you need all the minerals you can get. So what if your hair is always sudsy.

2. An actual size Map of the United States in 1:1 scale. A must when 100% accuracy is required. Folds neatly and fits into most any airplane hangar. Also comes in a thin sponge version you can soak in water to expand.
3. 12-pak Brunswick Bowling Balls: Makes a great stocking stuffer…if your stocking is made of tungsten-carbide chainmail. Possibly the last bowling ball 12-pak you’ll ever buy…and probably the only one too.
4. 5 gallon drum Visine Eye Drops: Comes with matching eye-drop cozy. “Visine. It gets the Red out.” Very popular in the dispensary community.
5. $500,000 Applebee’s gift card for $499,900 – a $100 savings! Note: Card expires 3 months after purchase.
6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plutonium: Try our trendy new Plutonium substitute and you won’t be able to tell the difference either. Comes with a lead codpiece.
7. Fresh from our in-store bakery: Above ground pool-sized Apple Pie. This economical deep dish pie comes in 1, 2 and 3 foot depths.
8. Drive-thru Artificial Insemination. Choose from a variety of heirloom quality baby batters. Complimentary turkey baster is yours to keep. Returns not allowed on this product.
9. 42 gallon barrel of Embalming Fluid. Don’t be caught short this season.
10. Gucci Shoe Lifts: Don’t be caught short.
11. Guccione’s Penis Elongater: Don’t be caught short.
12. Black & Decker’s Burglary Tools for Dwarfs: Don’t be caught short.
13. Hane’s Long Johns: Don’t be caught short.
14. Don’t Be Caught Short: A fun new board game from Milton Bradley.
15. 35 lb. lifetime supply of Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast. It’s dry and active – like an Alcoholics Anonymous member who exercises regularly.
16. Drive-thru Cremation for Pets. Pet must “no longer be with us.” Use your Frequent Cremators Card and get the 3^rd pet incinerated for free. Your choice of cinder granulation: Smooth or Crunchy. Tupperware Urn included.
17. Lifetime supply of Flintstone Vitamins. Note: This is a lifetime supply if your life were to end in 60 days.
18. Bariatric Surgery. Must weigh at least 450 lbs. naked, however clothing is greatly preferred.
19. Kirkland’s 13-foot Sub for $1.50. A highly versatile sandwich. You can eat it or operate the sub underwater.
20. Assisted Suicide Kit. Possibly the last assisted suicide kit you’ll ever have to buy. For obvious reasons, financing is not available. Guaranteed results otherwise we send over a guy named Vinnie to finish the job.
21. Book: TSA Frisking for Dummies. Frisk anyone without offending them. Or, if they want to be offended, learn that too. You’ll start by frisking yourself, then your pets and eventually you’ll graduate to the Air Fargo Passenger Hangar in North Dakota.
22. 88 lb. family-sized Wetzel Pretzel. This novelty pretzel comes with 6 lbs. of yellow mustard and a pretzel dolly for transport.
23. Give your kidneys a break with a Hasbro’s Personal Dialysis Your kidneys work hard 24/7. Why not giv’em a little vacation and let someone else do the blood filtering. Comes in regular or menthol for those who prefer minty fresh hemoglobin. May bundle with Mattel’s Go Anywhere Ventilator^© for even greater savings. Why should you have to do all the breathing all the time?
24. 45-pak Gillette Moustache Combs. These handy little combs can be used in grooming any number of bodily areas featuring short curly hair.
25. Space Tourism at down to earth prices. For $1,000,000 reserve a seat on an Elon Musk Space-X Rocket that takes you to the moon and back. Experience weightlessness while dining on Gordon Ramsey’s out-of-this-world cuisine. Note: $25 surcharge per bag (even when it’s weightless). May upgrade to a full space suit instead of just breathing from the little margarine cup mask that drops down once you leave earth’s orbit. Kosher meals available. Must be able to pass a zero-gravity bathroom activity test.
26. One metric ton Chex Party Mix. It’s the last metric ton of snacks you’ll ever have to buy – and probably the only one too. Great for bomb shelters and other apocalyptic living spaces.
27. Pallet of Trident Chewing Gum forklifted directly from our warehouse to your garage. Make great stocking stuffers…if for some reason you have to stuff 48 million stockings.

1. 

   Bumper sticker seen at a Renaissance Faire.

   Make Sparta Great Again!

2. You Have to Admit, Vlad the Impaler does make some good points
3. Pyramids are for Squares
4. Serf Lives Matter
5. Sodom is for Lovers
6. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults
7. It’s all Olaf’s Fault
8. Eating Rotten Apples Contributes to Global Worming
9. I got my rocks off at Stonehenge
10. My other wagon is a Cadillac
11. OK Renaissance…we’re waiting.
12. Enough with the spices already. Maybe we could spend less than 95% of our GDP in the search for seasonings and invest a little in sewage control.
13. DaVinci Fondled Me. #Et tu Leonardo
14. Question Charlemagne
15. Robin Hood is a Socialist Income Redistributor
16. Galileo thinks He’s the center of the universe
17. I visited BarbarianLand. The happiest place on God’s flat Earth.
18. I got debauched at Pirates of the Mediterranean.
19. All We Are Say-ing, Is Give Huns a Chance
20. If blunderbusses are outlawed, only outlaws will have blunderbusses
21. I never sleep alone…thanks to my bedbugs
22. May your fireplace always be sooty and your stool forever compacted
23. Make Soap, Not War
24. We really need the soap, what with all the soot and everything
25. Occupy King John! You try eating turnips 11½ months out of the year. No more tubers…Magna Carta now!!!
26. Occupy Valhalla! It’s almost 1063 and to date only a total of 3 Vikings have had any fun at all. Being Norse sucks.
27. The Plague is Gods Way of Punishing Free Thinkers
28. Does the concept of “germs” mean anything to you Neanderthals?
29. If blow darts are outlawed, only outlaws will have blow darts
30. Pat Paulsen for President
31. A heavier than air machine? It’ll never fly.
32. Queen Elizabeth the 1^st is a Royal pain in the arse
33. Guillotine has lost his head
34. When it says Libbys Libbys Libbys on the label, label, label, you will like it, like it, like it on the table, table, table.

1. 

   This would be everyone’s Coat of Arms.

   There’d be a Martin Luther Briscoe Blvd in every major city.

3. Jesus Christ would be known as Jesus Briscoe and when people were really exasperated they’d say, “Oh Jesus H Briscoe!”
5. If I said, “The artist formerly known as Briscoe” you’d know I was talking about Prince.
7. Abercrombie & Fitch would be known as Briscoe & Briscoe. Then again, so would Simon and Garfunkel.
9. Daniel Day-Lewis…Daniel Briscoe-Briscoe
11. And you can be damn sure Chuck Norris would still be called Chuck Norris!
13. Stormy Briscoe…’nuff said.
15. If you saw a long lost buddy in the distance at a baseball game and yelled out, “Hey Briscoe, is that you?” The entire crowd would turn to you and say, “Of course it is.”
17. 80% of late night talk show hosts would be named Jimmy Briscoe.
19. Muhammad Ali would’ve changed his name from Cassius Briscoe to Muhammad Briscoe
21. The happiest places on earth would be Briscoeland and Briscoe World.
23. Pharmacies would have one big plastic “B” bin for all the prescriptions to go in.
25. The FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals would become more difficult to track down.
27. On the other hand, if a criminal used an alias it would have to be Briscoe.
29. This Briscoe name thing is really no different than the way it is right now, having the name “Kim” in North Korea.
31. The Tom Hanks/bulldog buddy movie Turner & Hooch would become Briscoe & Hooch. But the Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep movie Kramer vs. Kramer would become Briscoe vs. Briscoe and would star Dustin Briscoe and Meryl Briscoe.
33. The fabled baseball poem Tinkers to Evers to Chance would lose some of its magic because Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
35. Even if everyone’s last name was Briscoe, Kanye West would still be known as an idiot.
37. Abbot & Costello’s classic baseball skit Who’s on First would morph into a pointless Briscoe’s on First, because every player on the field would be named Briscoe. The skit might sound like this:
    • Who’s on first?
    • It’s not Who. It’s Briscoe. Briscoe’s on 1^st.
    • I thought Who was the 2^nd
    • That’s Briscoe.
    • So Briscoe’s on 1^st and Briscoe’s on 2^nd, well then Who’s at shortstop?
    • Who is not the shortstop. Briscoe is the shortstop.
    • You mean to tell me if they made a double play it would be Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe?
    • But we like to call it Tinkers to Evers to Chance.

Now that I think of it, maybe it would be funny if everyone’s name in that skit was Briscoe. In any event the skit would be performed by Briscoe & Briscoe which is Abbot & Costello and not to be confused with Simon & Garfunkel. Read the rest of this entry »

These granulated spices are what drove much of the early explorations of man. A very risky business, but that’s how bad food tasted in the Dark Ages.
“Get me some flavor,” commanded the King. “I don’t care if you do sail off the edge of the earth.”

Give your fellow foodies Spice Rack Envy. At Herb’s House of Spices no seasoning is too insignificant, no flavor too arcane, no spice too exotic in marketing needless flavors to an increasingly demanding American palate. And thanks to the Food Network in elevating simple food prep to an exercise in must-have gastronomic satisfaction, Herb’s Spices has created more seasonings than you can shake a shaker at. In fact we’ve created a full line of Status Spices to impress your friends with your condiment acumen. These “all show, no go” spices are useless in the kitchen, but look great on the rack. A list of our popularly priced seasonings are presented below.

Herb’s Status Spices

1. Confectioners Cremains – Not what you think! Alright, exactly what you think. From our line of “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” spices.
3. Peanut-Infused Benadryl – Simultaneously creates and remedies anaphylactic shock in one convenient bottle.
5. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Marjoram – One pinch and you’ll agree: It’s not Marjoram. But I can’t believe it.
7. Black Pepper Matters – Socially conscious seasoning that recognizes the value of all spices.
9. Snalt –Imitation salt. For those on a sodium restricted diet.
11. Pulverized Granulated Powder – No known use. Created solely to induce not only “Spice Envy” but “Spice Awe” in busybodies who sneak peeks into your spice drawers. Disclaimer: Herb’s Spices believe no one should have an uninvited peek into your drawers.
13. Garlick Nuk – A stand-alone lickable Garlick Pacifier^® served separately from your entrée. For all those pain in the ass people who need to order everything on the side. Check out our full line of Lickables^® (some of which you must be over 21 to lick).
15. Mostspice – An economic alternative to Allspice.
17. Chinese 4-Spice – A budget Chinese 5-Spice at 80% the cost. Warning to Aluminum Allergy Sufferers: Chinese 4-Spice is made on machines also used in the processing of bauxite.
19. Papricka – A rude take on Paprika. Tastes great, but, just like sausage, you don’t want to see how it’s made.
21. Cardamom – Who the hell uses cardamom or even knows what it tastes like?
23. Cardadad – Patriarchal version of cardamom.
25. Turmeric – Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “Pass the turmeric,” I’d owe money.
27. Cannabis Buds – One pinch and you’ll understand why they are your buds.
29. A Dash of Kardashian – From what I’m told it goes down very easily.
31. Salt Paul – A religiously oriented spice alternative to Salt Peter.
33. Star Anus – As expected, tastes like sh*t.
35. Ground Chuck Berries – Limited supply. You do know he donated his body to science.
37. Demon Seed – From Lucifer’s groin to your table. Pure ick with just a dash of evil.
39. Ginger Spice – That would be Geri Halliwell from England’s Spice Girls and she’s not for sale.
41. Unattached Honey – Not really a spice. In fact, not really honey. Apparently this Unattached Honey enjoys short romances and long embraces. This spicy number can be found in the Personal Ads section of your grocer’s seasoning aisle.
43. Ground Molted Lobster Husks – A very popular seasoning among molted skin lovers who crave the briny, crunchy taste of Crustacea who’ve shed their exoskeleton. Note: Imitation Ground Molted Lobster Husks are also available for those who on the advice of a doctor are on a Ground Molted Lobster Husk restricted diet.
45. This is Not Your Father’s Fenugreek – New take on an old classic – the fenugreek, not your father.
47. Mrs. Dash’s Boy Toy, Mr. Abs – As expected it comes in a 6-pack and is available in shakable or Lickable^® form.
49. Finely Ground Pumice – A favorite in North Korea. It better be because it’s the only seasoning available.

… IT Technicians

Genesis: The Book of DOS

Inspiration is where you find it. Interpretation is quite another thing.

In the Beginning there were vacuum tubes. And from that darkness emerged transistors. And God swept over the face of these primitive semiconductors and lo, the silicon chip did appear. The Almighty, whilst toiling in his garage in the constellation of Palo Alto Minor, did build his Earthly platform from whatever he had laying around: chicken wire, roofing shingles and old Playboy magazines. Yea verily. He built it he did. And he saw that it was good. And on that first day of Build 1.0 he proclaimeth the Earth as an ethically-sourced, sustainably-produced, fair-wage platform suitable for populating with his children. And so it was. And he programmed them so that they were fruitful and multiplied. Some fruitier than others – especially in the area known as San Francisco.

But all was not kosher in Denmark. His vast design was soon deconstructed and copied by angels who had fallen from the vault of heaven and became known as “hackers.” They pirated his Will and twisted it into a gross caricature of his original intent. Thus was born Original Malware. And so the world grew, strewn with good and bad which was expressed as long strings of 1’s and 0’s. The once pristine World Wide Web, a platform of limitless potential, had become a saturated thicket of cat videos and ads for penis-hardeners. And mankind began to lose his identity and fall back into the illusion of his separateness from his source. So much so that when purchasing things online, he was required to tell Big Brother, “I am not a robot.” Man reminding his father he is not a robot – how poignant. Read the rest of this entry »

A Therapeutic Rant Enabling Me to Exorcise My OCD Demons

Sir Stephen Hawking to Carl Douglas: “Surely not everyone was Kung Fu fighting.”

Everybody was? Really? Didn’t Carl “one-hit-wonder” Douglas realize that perhaps somebody, somewhere was not Kung Fu fighting. How about singing the more accurately descriptive “a few people were Kung Fu fighting,” instead of the lazy, fits-all lyrics “everybody was Kung Fu fighting.” I mean if we allow this level of lyrical imprecision to percolate into society, where does it end?

The Rolling Stones lamentably sang ♫I Can’t Get NO Satisfaction♫ – really Mick, None? In England in the mid-60’s. I think everybody knows that Mick was getting at least some satisfaction. Alright, maybe not everybody knows it, but many people do. I don’t want to be accused of the same imprecision by using the word everybody when I should’ve said “a few people.”

Calling out and correcting these overblown and inaccurate claims is the domain of someone who prefers to make our universe as tidy as possible. Someone like me. No, I mean it. Someone like me. No really, I’m pleading with you: Someone like me damn it! See how dangerous the slippery slope of misinterpretation is when you casually employ inexact expressions?

Don’t STOP

It’s bad enough that STOP signs don’t change to GO after we’ve stopped. Those smug octagonal signposts think they can just command us to act and expect us to sheepishly comply. And when we do comply, then what? In the absence of a subsequent instruction I’d like to know what the expectation is. The peremptory command to STOP means just that. I see no interpretive wiggle room to assume that at some point we may GO. However millions do. I’m proud to say I’ve sat at STOP signs for hours waiting for some indication as to what to do after I’ve stopped. Usually an encouraging honk and a few words of encouragement from the exasperated motorist behind me is enough for me to, “Get movin’ assh*le.” Read the rest of this entry »