Author Archive

A recently discovered love letter from William Shakespeare to Gwendolyn Fairskin, the nanny of his children, has or “hath” (as we slide down the slippery slope of Olde English) sparked great controversy and set Shakespearian scholars scurrying to verify its authorship. Did the venerable Bard of Avon write this revealing mash note to Ms. Fairskin? Moreover, did he author any of the magnificent plays attributed to him? I leave that question to the Bureau of Weights and Measures or whoever authenticates these things. All I know is; me thinks tis true – that this steamy epistle is the work of Shakespeare in love.

 

And if its discovery wasn’t startling enough, manuscript antiquarians have discerned a note scrawled on the outside of the folded parchment believed to read: “Alloweth not David Hardiman of Reno-upon-Truckee any view upon this missive.” Well tough luck Willie. Your prescience will go unrewarded as I dutifully present your heartfelt spasms to an adoring audience of enthusiastic Shake-o-philes.

 

Posing as a calibration technician for the Bureau of Weights and Measures I’ve gained access to the randy letter and carefully translated it from its original Pig Latin (he wrote it in code in case it was intercepted) to the more familiar Olde English, thereby allowing it to exhibit the expected Shakespearian rhythm we’re all comfortable with. T’would be imprudent to translateth otherwise. Read the rest of this entry »

There are really 2 facets to getting up in the morning (if indeed it still is morning). First there’s the waking up portion (easy). Then there’s getting out of bed portion (not so easy). And this is where The 7 Stages Of Getting Out Of Bed come into play:

1. Shock – Why me? I didn’t ask to be born. Stupid horny parents.

 

2. Denial – Surely this alarm was meant for somebody who gives a sh*t.

 

3. Bargaining – If keep binge-watching Netflix maybe it will all go away?

 

4. Guilt – I shouldn’t have gotten in line twice when they passed out the “sleepy gene.” Oh well, ♫Cheer up Sleepy Jean ♫.

 

5. Anger – It’s still Obama’s fault.

 

6. Depression – I don’t even want to eat. I swear I’m going to stop feeding myself.

 

7. Acceptance/hope – Well all this thinking has made me hungry. And since I need money for food, alright I’ll get up and go to work. Next incarnation I hope to come back as a bed so I can lie around all freakin day – yeah that’s right I said “freakin”.

Watch for my next installment of Life Coping Skills when I illuminate the 7 Stages Of Discovering They Got Your Drive-Thru Order Wrong. When you’re 5 miles away.

What better way to ring in the New Year than with a new doorbell chime. I’d been wanting to make some changes in my life for a while because (to paraphrase Bob Dylan) ♫The chimes, they are a-changing♫. What better way to tell the world you’re getting your personal thing together than to swap out your 22-year-old doorbell chime. The traditional F-sharp to D-flat dyad would no longer do. I needed something that bespoke the changes that had happened in my life. I thought a C# to an A would say everything my heart couldn’t.

 

And you know something? Friends started to notice. They mentioned it to me; “Hey Dave. There’s something different about you and I can’t quite put my finger on it?” That’s when I showed them my new doorbell ringer and then they could put their finger on it. Then they understood. They would ring my bell with great certainty and remark “Now I no longer have to ask, ‘For whom the bell chimes?’ For it chimes for thee.” Heavy stuff. But I guess that’s what you have to go through when you break on through to the other side. Read the rest of this entry »

The following is a compendium of unrelated scenes and observations demonstrating why this world is the kind of place you’d like to settle down and raise your cholesterol. Think of these scenes as thin slices of life served up on a bed of roses, or on a bed of nails; depending on how rose-tinted your glasses are. This anthology (now upgraded from a mere compendium) is formulated with your privacy choices in mind. Should you wish to opt out and decide not to read them, I will not share your personal information with any of my subsidiaries, affiliates or nephews. However I do maintain certain files that include pictures of you smelling something really funky when you thought no one else was watching. It may be the only leverage I have to persuade you to read this appetizer-sized literary snack. I’m not blackmailing you. It’s called scent-shaming and I’m not afraid to use it. By the way, do you prefer your scent-shaming in Pumpkin Spice or Stinky Pinky?

In any event, please place your tray table in the upright and locked position. Put your head in airplane mode and enjoy these complimentary in-flight observations. Remember: life is about the journey so whether you paid full retail for your seat or used your Frequent Fretters’ miles, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.

Caution: These observations were produced on equipment used in processing peanuts, tree nuts and dairy products. Consume them judiciously. Read the rest of this entry »

Well it’s that time of year again. No, not Amnesia Awareness Month, but Girl Scout Cookies Extortion Month, where citizens leaving grocery stores and banks are guilted into purchasing enough high-fructose cookies to power an aircraft carrier. There are some new varieties this year and I thought I’d highlight them for you:

1. Binge Mints
2. Heimlich Chokies
3. Nutty Doofuses
4. Transgendered Something er Others
5. WMDs (Wafers of Mass Delight)
6. Vegan Flytraps
7. Lemon Nothings
8. Extra-Gluten Peanut Clusters w/Benadryl
9. Fracture Snaps
10. Pralines ‘n Lint
11. Snickernipples
12. Whoopsie Daisies
13. LGBTs (Loganberry Treats)
14. Toucan Sandies
15. Three Can Ednas
16. Buttered Goobledygooks
17. Sugar-free Why Bothers
18. Upside-Down Right-Side-Ups
19. Powdered Snowglobes
20. Goiter Drops
21. Tagalogs (Available in Philippines only)
22. Forget-me-nuts
23. Double Stuff Oreogasms  (Women may have as many as they’d like, but men must wait at least 1 hour between cookies.)
24. Esophageal Conundrums
25. Silicon Wafers
26. Isaac Newtons

“Spike Lee to make an all-Black version of Hogan’s Heroes,” trumpeted the headline in Variety.  

As I breathlessly absorbed those sweet words that I’d waited almost 50 years to read, a lump the size of a Sherman Tank began to grow in my throat. Could this really be happening? I mean it wasn’t the Beatles getting back together, but it was close. One of my fondest boyhood memories was cozying up to the TV on Friday night at 8:30 to watch experience Hogan’s Heroes. The show had everything the pure heart of a 6 year old boy yearned for: good army men outsmarting bad army men, a bunch of secret agent GI Joes camping out in a barrack, and plenty of pretty frauliens inexplicably parading about in a backwater POW camp – who cared if it didn’t make sense? It made me happy. Still does. This new Spike Lee Hogan’s Heroes would make me even happier.  

Read the rest of this entry »

1. Yorkshire Terrorist – Won’t stop yapping till they get their wet food
2. She Wow Wow – Sofia Vergara-influenced breed
   

   Don’t raise your eyebrows at me.

3. Lhasa Ipso Facto – Asian lawyers’ favorite dog
4. Angela Basset Hound – Ike Turner had something to do with its creation
5. Alaskan Mostlymute – Rarely barks
6. Uaintnuthin’butta Hound Dog – Found mostly in the South, Cryin’ all the time
7. Teacup St. Bernard – A contradiction in terms. Like jumbo shrimp.
8. Borderline Collie – Not quite a Collie, but close
9. Cocker Doodle Doo – Howls when the sun comes up
10. Chilean Sea Basset Hound – A sub-species of Dogfish. Sleeps on a bed of spinach.
11. Greenish Retriever – Not quite green, looks seasick, recycles
12. Nissan – Formerly Dachsund (Get it? Datsun became Nissan)
13. Hairless Sheep Dog – A frightening-looking animal. At least it doesn’t shed.
14. Mess Hall Chow – Featuring its trademark Blue Tongue Special
15. Belgian Airhead – (courtesy of Steve Martin)
16. Random Doodle – exists only on paper and, fittingly, does it on the paper
17. Jewish Shepherd – Enjoys Flocks and Bagels
18. Not-so-Great Dane – Underachieving Scandinavian canine.
19. Shih Tzu! – God Bless You.
20. Nikita – Nike’s corporate repurposing of the Akita breed. All Nikitas are named Swoosh.
21. Miniature Toy Chihuahua – Due to size challenges, must be raised under an electron microscope

What better way to begin someone’s biography than for its author to prattle on about himself. I mean it’s important to break some literary rules, but to do it so shoddily seems rather unseemly and I don’t want to seem unseemly. I’d prefer to seem seemly. I’m stalling because I can’t possibly capture the multi-dimensionality of my dear friend Chris Gage’s human experience, so rather than attempting to paint a rich portrait of a man in full, I’m going to paint a diluted snapshot of a man in 1/16^th. I believe by setting the bar this low (capturing 6.25% of Chris) I set a metric (we don’t set goals anymore – we meet metrics) suitable to my talents. Besides, if this mini-bio flies off the shelves or, more likely, is digitally uploaded into people’s Kindles, I can follow it up with 15 more volumes at 6.25% each. With great swagger I might pause here and state, “You do the math,” but as you can see, I’ve already done it. Why do I undermine myself and then advertise it? Well at least you know what you’re dealing with here. Read the rest of this entry »

1. 

   Philosopher/vagrant sign says it all.

   Have worked for food. Now I’m hungry again.

2. It’s Obama’s Trump’s fault.
3. Your place or mine? I’m thinking yours.
4. If you can read this you’re too close. 
5. I’m the precipitate from trickle-down economics.
6. Down to 2 teeth-whitening strips. Anything would help?
7. Blew my MacArthur Genius Grant award money on whores and crack. Please help.
8. You should see the other guy.
9. I’m an optimist whose glass is 1/8^th How about some help with the other 7/8^ths?
10. Mistakes were made.
11. I used to fit into most overhead compartments. Now look at me.
12. Think of me as a tax deductible charity who doesn’t pester you with direct mail.
13. My inner dialogue is not free. Pay up.
14. Well I’m out of quips…and money.