Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

As a college student I worked at a snooty little bistro called The Periodic Table – a restaurant renowned for its primordial soup and Big Bang Burgers. To say The Periodic Table caters to academia would be…ummm, the second sentence in this paragraph (sometimes I just don’t know how to finish a thought). But not only does The Periodic Table cater to academia, they also cater to people who…ummm want food supplied to an event they’re having. Again, sometimes I just don’t know how to finish a thought.

 

The Periodic Table has a superlative staff. Pastry chef Madame Kurie won a MacArthur Genius Award for twice baking half-baked ideas so they’d emerge from the oven as one fully formed idea. I probably could’ve used her help in the first paragraph. After all, she’s a stable genius. I’m just happy to be a wobbly virtuoso.  

 

Susan Williams, the sous chef, can be very argumentative. She often exclaims, “You don’t like my bouillabaisse? Sue me.” She’s shrewd. She knows no one will sue a sous chef named Sue?

 

With Covid-19 protocols in effect the social distancing between elements is a minimum of 6 atoms. It’s strictly enforced by nuclear bouncers carrying electron microscopes. The Periodic Table spun-off a restaurant called the Isotope. Managers mathematically determined the Isotope would last for 20 years, but signed a 10-year lease because they were smart enough to realize the unstable Isotope would have a half-life of 10 years.

 

The Periodic Table is a popular love nest for couples who are carbon dating. Chemistry majors love this semantic den of clever linguistics. For example, chem students can order their milk shakes in three states: solid, liquid or Massachusetts.

 

Most of the tips I received were of the “Hey, don’t do anything Einstein wouldn’t do,” variety. The fallout from working at the Periodic Table added gritty luster to my otherwise geek-dominated résumé (1^st chair high school triangle, Chess Club equipment manager, foster home for orphaned light sabers). Unfortunately the money I earned had a half-life faster than radium and I spent money like an “unstable Cesium-137 atom decaying in a nuclear chain reaction” (I never get tired of that old expression). And even though I spent most of the money on ginkgo biloba, I could never quite remember where it all went.

 

I hope you enjoyed this overture to my list of newly discovered elements. Elements that all have one thing in common. They radiate humor:

1. Shelium – Newly discovered sister element to Helium. Oddly enough when you inhale it, it makes your voice deeper. And even though Shelium is lighter than air, it always thinks it’s fat.
2. Fartium – At first it was thought to be a Noble Gas. But after just one whiff you knew…it ain’t so noble.
3. Cranium – This element is a head case
4. Copper – Not that kind of copper. In fact, not really an element at all. It’s what gangsters called a policeman in the 1930s.
5. Miseryium – Not much is known about this dark matter other than Miseryium loves company
6. Moronium – An element that only seems to affect other people’s intelligence
7. Acronymium – BTW, Scientists believe Acronymium stands for something, but FYI, they don’t know what…LOL
8. Belgium – Not an element. Just a shout out to the country of Belgium.
9. Tamponium – Tamponium will always have a seat at any Periodic Table – usually once a month.
10. Yumyumium – What Chinese restaurants sprinkle on food to make it taste better
11. Conundrum – Scientists are still trying to figure out just where this perplexing element fits in
12. Viagrium – A lot like zirconium in that it’s not an authentic rock-hard diamond, but no one seems to mind and actually appreciate it nonetheless. Warning: If its half-life last longer than 8 hours – see a mechanic – a quantum mechanic.
13. Blamium – It’s always somebody else’s element. Eventually decays into an Inferiority Complex.
14. Blamium-238 – A rare isotope causes complainers to reassess their lives and admit “mea culpa”
15. Sherlockium – Elementary, my dear reader. Also available in the sarcastic isotope, No Sh*t Sherlockium
16. Steakumms – Found in your refrigerator. At least that’s where I thaw it.
17. Mormonium – The only element that thinks it’s acceptable to marry with the electrons of more than one atom
18. Cofault – When cobalt decays and makes a mistake it becomes Cofault
19. Cobalt – makes you feel blue
20. Codependentbalt – enables cobalt to make you feel blue
21. Meme-ium – That thing where “We haz no cheezburgers”
22. Virginium – An element of unblemished purity. High concentrations found in Ivory Soap and Promise Rings
23. Tounguestun – When a taser accidentally hits your tongue
24. Palladium – Amphitheater shaped element. The Beatles played there in 1964
25. Homonymium – Sounds just like an element, but it isn’t. Prefers the orbits of its own kind, as opposed to Heteronymium.
26. Synonymian – An element that can be substituted for any other element
27. Cinemanium – What a drunk scientist calls a movie theater
28. Sinamonium – Too much of this element and you won’t get into Heavenium
29. Cinnamonium – Above a certain threshold and you develop and overwhelming desire to move to Cincinnati. Also tasty sprinkled on toast.
30. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is your relationship with yourself. Not an element. Just wanted to send you a little preachy reminder in an Oprah kind of way. I zinc it’s important to remember this.

1. 

   130 is the new 75. Former Fine Arts professor Agatha Cranston studied Cezanne – in person.

   Nana with the See-thru Hands – She’s the best, but at this point she’s like looking at an X-ray

2. Insta-Gram – It’s what I called my new grandma when I was first adopted into the family
3. My Inheritance – I love her and everything but c’mon, daddy needs a new Honda
4. Crystal Methuselah – She’s very old and she used to have a little drug problem
5. Prunella – Oh my sweet and shriveled Nana. Why must you age?
6. Grammykins – My cuddly name for her. Especially if the Grammys are on that night.
7. Glam-Ma – She’s still very good-looking. Some friends even tell me she’s a GMILF. Whatever that is.
8. Milky-Eyed Matriarch – I mean whoa…”Got Grandma?”
9. Smells like Geriatric Spirit – Just applying the Nirvana classic to Granny’s unique aroma
10. Runs with Depends – What I call my active Navajo Indian grandmother who likes to jog
11. GrAnnie Oakley – She’s a big 2^nd amendment supporter. It’s like “Granny get your gun.”
12. Still Life with a Heartbeat – She’s a former Fine Arts professor who once studied Cezanne – in person!
13. Gramnesia – She sometimes forgets who I am.
14. Grandmummy – It’s what I call my Egyptian grandma
15. Make Nonni Great Again – She’s losing it and she loves Trump.
16. Nonni Nonni Luftballoons – My German grandma’s whose last name is actually Luftballoon
17. Gram Cracker – Grandma is from the deep South and she holds certain antiquated prejudices
18. Ba-Nana – Her first name Barbara, and she’s a grandma…you do the math.
19. Grandpa – You know how Grandmas tend to grow those chin hairs with age?
20. Kombucha Babushka – My Russian Grandma who drinks healthy beverages
21. ♫Hold Your Head Up, Woman♫ – What can I say? The dear woman’s head lolls to one side.
22. Catena with the Flaring Nostrils – I wish it were different, but she ain’t exactly ♫Nancy with the Laughing Face♫
23. Baba Ganoush – Well, her last name is actually Ganoush, and she likes the eggplant spread too.
24. Drama Grama – She used to teach acting classes so I thought the name fitting
25. My Favorite Neanderthal – She’s really old. Anthropologically old. She still calls the continents Pangea; and Jesus as, “That nice boy from Nazareth.”
26. That musty old woman who once stuck her tongue down my throat – Thank God she was only a Step-Grandmother and not blood.
27. Candy Dish of Interconnected Sweets – So what if she kept an old, dusty dish of hard candy around that, over the years, metastasized into one benign aggregate mass of candy. When she grew up, the woman had no candy.
28. Blue Hair with Feathers – My Cherokee Indian grandmother after the beauty parlor

It’s called Stir Crazy.
The following is based on surreal events:
So I called 9-1-1.
A machine answered and said, “If this is a medical emergency please hang-up and dial 9-1-1.”
What the…?
This went on for hours.
I mean, this went on 4 hours.

 

1. Walt Disney – 65, Died peaceably and was cryogenically frozen thus making him a permanent member of Disney on Ice. In a cross-promo of epic proportions, Disney execs say they’ll thaw him out to coincide with the opening of Frozen 3, proving once again that Disney is no Mickey Mouse organization.
2. Giovanni Pietro – 54, designer of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which at that time was simply known as the Tower of Pisa. Always a favorite with the powerful Borgia and Medici families, he leaned slightly towards the Borgias. Mr. Pietro died from a fall at a job site in Verona. Doctors attended to him immediately, but it was too late. One eye was fixed and dilated and the other one read: TILT.
3. Detective John Shaft – 70, Beloved and respected fictional African-American detective. In Isaac Hayes theme song from the movie “Shaft,” he described Detective Shaft as ♫a complicated man♫. In fact Mr. Shaft died from complications of complications. His manager blamed the hospital for substandard care, saying, “He got Shafted.”
4. Jesus Christ – 33, Jewish preacher who developed quite a following in the Middle East (which at the time of his death was simply known as The East). Although paternity tests were inconclusive, his father is believed to be God. His mother Mary, while not quite as accomplished as his father, was no slouch herself and was considered immaculate by contemporaries. Jesus cause of death: Other people’s sins. Apparently he loved his flock so much, he chose to die for them in order to ease their burdens. Just like Shaft, Jesus was also a complicated man. Calling hours every Sunday, forever.
5. Jesus Christ – 33 and a few days. Well, we all thought he was dead the first time, but 3 days later he resurrects himself – like it was a miracle or something. Somehow he opens his tomb from the inside and rises straight up into the sky. It was a risk flying into the sky unmonitored and untracked, but fortunately there weren’t any airplanes back then so the only thing he had to worry about was a bird strike. The consensus was that if he can come back to life and ascend into heaven, bird avoidance might not be much of an issue. His obituary is open-ended pending a promised second tour.
6. Johnny Garza – 62, President of Garza Cement Products died, appropriately enough, from hardening of the arteries. His cardiologist said his arteries were soft and pliant when he came in, but by the time he got on the operating table they had hardened into rock. Attending Dr. Joe Gannon said, “I couldn’t even carve my initials in them – not that I was trying or anything.”
7. Adolph Hitler – 56, From self-inflicted wounds (mostly stupidity). His quaint attempt at sporting a little Charlie Chaplain moustache won him few friends. The decidedly non-Aryan looking and underachieving little corporal from Austria promised the Fatherland a restoration of national pride after his people were ravaged by hyperinflation and all those soft, smelly cheeses from France. He proposed a great network of roads for “People carriages” or “Volks Wagens” as he called them. Hitler also expanded the military as a bulwark against whatever it is you need “bulwarks” for.” All these malefactors were a recipe for calamity. And sure enough his other recipes included such favorites as Polish Blitzkrieg with Pogroms and Russian Blunder à la Napoleon. Not a complicated man – more a misanthropic loser who consolidated power by promising “2 bratwursts in every pot and a Volkswagen in every garage.” The potato farmers and beer-swilling peasants ate it up and the ruling class just couldn’t say no to this latter day charismatic Napoleon. In short order he established the invincible 1000 year Reich, whose invincibility lasted a full 12 years. He was also responsible for Germany’s second catastrophic defeat on the world stage in less than 27 years. As punishment for their bad behavior, the Allies told Germany, “You’re grounded” and sent it to 2 separate rooms for 44 years to reflect on just what they did. Eventually the bedroom Wall came a tumblin’ down and they were ♫reunited and it feels so good♫. Sure he built the autobahns, but Dr. Sigmund Freud believed his road-building scheme was really more Rage-paving than creating productive infrastructure. Dr. Freud thought the whole goose-stepping, Seig Heil thing was just his inner-Nazi acting out. He noted that the only healthy relationship the Fuhrer ever had with a female was with Brunhilde, his German Shepherd. Legend has it Hitler’s last words were, “I’d trade it all for just one more bite of mama’s spoon bread.” Years later Hogan’s Heroes and Mel Brooks would get their revenge on him and we’d all have a good laugh at this evil incarnate. Part of his legacy is that the least popular baby name for the last 80 years has been Adolph. And when was the last time you’ve seen a Hitler in the phone book? In fact when was the last time you’ve seen a phone book?
8. Phillip Seymour Hoffman – 46, Loved his life. Loved his wife. Loved heroin more. Heroin was his heroine. It happens. He’s not alone. Fans who miss him can still feel his presence by staring at his doppelgänger: Jim Gaffigan.
9. Thomas Sheldrake – 35, Died from complications of a bad business plan – owned and operated the Kissing Booth concessions at New Jersey nursing homes.
10. Kate Billups – 32, Pharmacist who enjoyed emptying prescriptions more than she enjoyed filling them. Only person ever to die from an overdose of Lipitor. Her blood became so thin, a paper cut caused her to bleed out. Never really liked her job stating she found, “all those little vials vile.” Strangely she enjoyed the music of Kurt Weill.
11. Wilma Parsons – 71, Ms. Parsons experienced serial gender dysphoria to such a degree, she underwent 4 gender reassignment surgeries. It died a Hermaphrodite attracted mostly to talk shows.
12. Chuck Norris – 80 and counting, Not gonna happen. Death is for mortals.
13. Generalissimo Francisco Franco – 82, Pompous ass. Being called Frank wasn’t good enough for him. Had to be called Generalissimo. Even by his wife while in bed. Well, this was before Viagra, so whatever hardens your arteries is your business. Led the conservative faction to victory in the Spanish Civil War in which thousands were killed including a guy who would’ve perfected Cold Fusion and another who would’ve made bickering obsolete. Thanks Frank.
14. Corey Blaine – 55, A COVID survivor. Ironically he died from suffocation when, after recovery, he put on his thickly protective breathing mask too snugly.
15. Harry Houdini – 52, Died from an overdose of semantics:
Who did?
Houdini did?
Who?
The guy in the trunk?
Harry?
I don’t know if he’s hairy or not, I just call him Houdini.
Who?
The guy in the trunk.
Oh, that’s Dini.
Who Dini?
Exactly.
What?
No, What’s the second baseman.
Well then who’s the guy that drew pictures of people extricating themselves from dangerous situations?
Oh, that’s the Escape Artist.
Who is?
Houdini is.
And I didn’t even know he could draw.

1. 

   While self-quarantining, recreate the mind and the body. And don’t worry, you’ll never miss these sports. body.

   Origami League – As expected, the league folded. That’s all they did. That created a financial problem. So the league just folded.

2. Professional Marbles Association – Not a Coronavirus related closing. They simply lost their marbles. 
3. Jewdo – Martial Arts for Semites. Was never really a hit. The sport was always underfunded as participants refused to pay retail.
4. Competitive Eating Club – This is a tough one to swallow. And I’m sorry I broke the first rule of the Competitive Eating Club which is, “You don’t talk about Competitive Eating Club.”
5. Uphill Skiing League – The league fought gallantly to avoid cancellation, but it was an uphill battle – both ways. 
6. Miniature Golf – No surprise here. Miniature Golf’s fan base had been shrinking for some time.
7. Competitive Balloon Animal-ing – Get this. It’s so popular now, Balloon Animals are actually expanding. Pop Culture I guess.
8. Air Hockey – Face it, the game blows. It has to, otherwise the puck would never elevate. Ironically, now that it’s unplugged, it doesn’t blow anymore.
9. Dwarf Tossing League – Always politically incorrect to begin with, this “He ain’t heavy, he’s my midget” gnome-hurling sport will be downsized and eventually replaced with the bulimic sport of cookie tossing.
10. Professional Snow Writing – Cancelled their season for 2 reasons: 1. Hygiene was always an issue and 2. Whether writing in cursive or block letters, women we’re always at an anatomical disadvantage. (I know… “ewwww” factor)
11. Speed Band-Aid Removal – A marginal sport at best, the Speed Band-Aid Removal owners just felt it was a time to heal rather than peel.
12. Speed Bikini Waxing – Instead of cancelling the season they took the easy way out and just shaved 2 months off it. They said it wasn’t so much a public health issue as it was a pubic health issue.
13. Speed Backstroke Racing – It went belly up.
14. Throwing a Tennis Ball with a Spaghetti Spoon League – The season wasn’t cancelled by dog owners, but by the dogs who no longer wanted to run a 5K just to retrieve some stupid ball. A Spokesdog commented, “Playing ‘fetch’ was fine for 20,000 years. Everyone knew their place. Now we’re supposed to run a marathon while our owners use a frickin’ catapult to throw the ball into the next zip code. Enough already. When we get gray around the snout, tossing a stick 30 feet is fine.”
15. Skeet Shooting Association– Decided to terminate the season in an effort to save dinner plates needed to serve the hungry. Briefly considered using unemployed dwarfs from the Dwarf Tossing League as alternative targets, but dwarf wranglers couldn’t toss them high enough and catapults were unreliable. And yes I do apologize to everyone for #15.
16. Hang Gliding Society – Experienced a fall from Grace. I guess they just couldn’t keep current But seriously, when Grace fell, the hangwriting was on the wall.
17. National Rowing Association – They will continue despite the fact that all rowers have had strokes.
18. National Sculling Association – This more intellectually empowered version of the National Rowing Association will continue their haughty ways even though these scullers are all a bunch of head cases.
19. Upside Down Kayaking in Scuba Gear – Someone loses a bar bet and suddenly there’s a sport. I don’t think so.
20. Major League Archery – Went bankrupt after losing a patent infringement suit to Target
21. Major League Treachery – A reality sport that also went bankrupt after a lawsuit from Arthur Treacher. Remember – Jeeves, Fish and Chips anyone?
22. American Fencing Association – Whether Stockade or Chain Link, they’ve all agreed to suspend operations. I may have mixed my swords with my pickets here. Well hopefully my rapier wit stays intact.
23. Badminton – Unfortunately it’s cancelled. However it will soon be replaced by Goodminton.
24. NERF Ball Stuffing – Not really a spectator sport, it nonetheless suspended operations due to hygienic considerations. Some franchises were folded into the HSL – the Hide the Salami League.
25. Whiffle Ball – The league closed and nobody batted an eye.
26. Waffle Ball – They ran out of dough. Now they’re toast.
27. Competitive Eating Association – Not affiliated with the Competitive Eating Club (which I shouldn’t have talked about in the first place). So what happened to the Competitive Eating Association? – They went belly up.
28. The World’s Oldest Sport – It will remain unaffected. In fact, it will likely increase in popularity because there will be fewer distractions. 
29. Kneeboarding – This water sport got very confusing. Participants thought they had to simulate drowning their knees with washcloths and water.
30. French Fry Bobbing Assoc. – What? You thought I’d create this list and not include this classic? Most participants looked like the Phantom of the Opera
31. American Bungee Jumping Association to Suspend Operations – What else is new. That’s all they did. Suspend operations.
32. Pro Bowlers Association – Couldn’t spare a dime and now they’re on
33. Free Climbing Kirstie Alley – The sport ended when Ms. Alley discovered 3 climbers at Base Camp, swinging from her hips.
34. Full Contact Chess – Sport was driven from the field when complaints rose from other less protected pieces about why the Knights got to wear helmets and everybody else was subject to CTE. One of the Bishops piped up, “I feel like such a pawn.” Another Bishop, already late for an appointment while finishing his Guinness at a pub said, “Check mate?”
35. English Steeplechase – Sport closed down when it was discovered that steeples didn’t run…and therefore certainly didn’t need to be chased.
36. Dressage – Isn’t dressage what RuPaul and his TV friends do? Am I confusing it with drag racing?
37. Equestrian – Closed up much to my chagrin. And I thought, “This is the dawning of the Age of Equestrian.
38. Spearfishing (The Angry Anglers) – This sport died from a self-inflicted puncture wound. Note: The one time I went spearfishing I did pretty well. I caught 5 spears. 1 asparagus, 1 Britney and 3 regular. Next time I went ice fishing and caught 10 cubes. Nearly drowned trying to cook them.
39. International Cow Tipping Society – The sport of cow tipping was disbanded when cows began demanding unaffordable 40 and 50% tips. The president of the society explained, “What irony. The cows we’re actually milking us.”
40. Australian Rules Hurling – I knew this one wouldn’t last too long. Who wants to watch a bunch of burly guys throwing up – and upside down to boot? Very disturbing.
41. Rhythmic Gymnastics – We all know what “rhythmic gymnastics” is a euphemism for. This oldest sport known to man is best left to lovers in the bedroom.
42. Patty Cake League – The Patty Cake League closed shop when the Baker’s man pay was cut. He considered it a slap in the face and began baking cakes slowly. The whole Patty Cake thing just didn’t work after that. They tried to secretly resurrect themselves as the Pat-A-Cake League, but people could hear this dog whistle. Besides, by then people had moved on to fist bumps.
43. Kick Boxing Club – It seems participants didn’t like the possibility of receiving a blunt force roundhouse kick to the head with enough kinetic energy to dislodge the nose of George Washington from Mount Rushmore. The club tried to cushion the blows by using a kind of boxing gloves for the feet, but kick boxers looked plain silly – tramping around like prancing dogs when you put booties on them. And I know…I’m breaking the first rule of Kick Boxing Club by talking about them.
44. Even Unparallel Bars – Too iconoclastic. Andy Warhol’s answer to the uneven parallel bars served no practical purpose other than to be provocative and to remind us that “This is not here.” Life is confounding enough.