Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Yes. Gratitude. I’d like to take a moment to bestow gratitude upon the following:

1. Second Responders – They get no credit at all – in fact I don’t even know who they are.
2. All my Facebook friends – Well, almost all of them
3. The Waltons – Especially John Boy and that cute Mary Ellen
4. Tiny Tim – The Dickens’ one and not the goofy one who tiptoed thru the tulips
5. Mother Teresa – Set such a quiet example of easy selflessness

In fact, let’s be thankful every day, all year. Not in an overly pious way, just in an “it’s cool to be alive” way.

And, most importantly, may God grant me the serenity & wisdom to understand my 14 streaming services: 4 of which I think I pay for, 5 which might be free or cost $38 each, 1 of which I access via a subdural chip they implanted on my person, against my will (part of my court-ordered probation) and the other 4 that all have pluses (+) at the end of them.

Yes. A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

Have yourself a merry little tryptophan-ic turkey day

1. Womanicotti – It’s much curvier than Manicotti, and more considerate too
2. Tonytoni – A street-smart pasta, shaped like Tony Danza
3. Buttaroni – A favorite of the Kardashians
4. Angel Nose Pasta – As you can well imagine, it smells heavenly
5. Bolo Tie Pasta – Far from Farfalle, it’s popular with cowboys
6. Knocky – Not Gnocchi, but similar
7. Cavatelli Savalas – Shaped like Kojak’s chrome dome
8. Testicallini – Usually served in pairs
9. Spaghetti F’s – If you liked Spaghetti O’s, you’ll love Spaghetti F’s. They are F’n good
10. Vomitcelli – This pasta often comes-up in conversation, and in actuality too
11. Microroni – Macaroni’s tiny little brother.

Buon Appetito Everyone!

 

Omitted

1. Lunguine – We can all breathe a little easier with this pasta shape
2. Service Dog Pasta – The world weary draw nutritional and emotional support while chowing down on pasta in the shape of service dogs
3. Angel Hair – A classic
4. Angel Pubic Hair – A curlicue classic. Did you know, that every time someone starts a podcast, an angel loses their pubic hair
5. Crazo – If you like Orzo you’ll love this looney tunes pasta
6. Crackatini –Not trying to be cheeky here, butt they’re Derriere-licious.
7. Scrotatelli – Much like ravioli, a pillowy pouch suitable for stuffing with meat or cheese
8. Tamponelli – People seem to use it about the same time each month.
9. Groinacolli – Favorite pasta of crotchety old men
10. Spermacetti – Make up your own joke (there’s only 5000)

 

1. Split Pea with Hamlet – To eat or not to eat. That, is the question.
2. Italian-Style Divorcing Soup – A bookend to Italian-Style Wedding Soup. These soups satisfy whether you’re coming or going.
3. Gayspacho – Made with same sex tomatoes. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back…to another soup that is.
4. Chicken Dumbo – One part chicken, one part elephant. I don’t think it’ll ever fly. Kinda ear-rie actually.
5. Greek Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From the Alpha to the Omega.
6. Egyptian Hieroglyph Soup – If you love sideways falcons, symbolic ankhs and more amulets than a box of Lucky Charms, you’ll love this Pharaonic soup. And if you don’t like Egyptian soup, well then Tut Tut.
7. Viciousoise – Not to be confused with Vichyssoise, Viciousoise is a cold and cruel potato soup
8. Cram Chowder – An Asian version of Clam Chowder
9. Tripe Bisque – Most people can’t stomach it
10. Maxistrone – Minestrone on steroids
11. Kit-n-Caboodle Noodle Soup – Oodles of noodles in Kit-n-Caboodle.

Toodles!

 

Omitted

• LGBTQ Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From L to Q. Can’t spell BLT w/o it

 

1. What Yappy Dogs Have Taught Me
   

   My friend has a swell head.

2. Men with Ringworm…and the Women Who Love Them
3. “On the Paper You Urchins!” On Toilet Training Dickensian Orphans
4. Mom Kept Me in a Refrigerator Box Till I was 8: Learning to Chillax Again in a Big Scary World
5. Born Under a Zero: Learning to Live Without an Astrological Sign
6. It Takes Two: Learning to Use the New 35 ft. Intestinal Flosses
7. Can You Eat Animal Crackers and Still Call Yourself a Vegan?
8. I was Born a Virgin, I’ll Die a Virgin:
9. From Shiplap to Beadboard – A Panel Discussion on Paneling
10. Monsieur Papillion Teaches Fencing – Mostly Chain Link and Stockade
11. Pharmaceutical Media Influencers Insist: You’ll Be More Popular than Ever, Once You Have Eczema

1. I Married a White Man – Wanda Calvert, a Baltimore washerwoman, explains how it came to be that she married a white man. The fact that she is also white makes the story very uninteresting.
2. I Loathe Lucy – Willam Frawley takes us on a dark journey into the seamy underbelly of Desilu Studios. He takes particular aim at “Little Ricky’s” incredible growth spurt. More specifically Mr. Frawley decries the implausibility of Little Ricky being born one season and showing-up as a wise-cracking 5-year-old in the next.
3. One Door Closes, Another Opens – An elderly female elevator operator from Pasadena is forced to retire after she accidentally inhales too much clumping cat litter. Her coworkers now call her, ♫The Little Old Lady with Emphysema.♫ When asked how she was doing the former elevator operator responded, “Well I don’t have as many ups and downs as when I was working.” In the British edition of this book, the little old lady is a lift operator from Wuthering Heights.
4. This Plant is Closed – The story of a Venus flytrap as seen through the compound eyes of a newly imprisoned fly. And yes, near the end, the fly does eke out a forlorn “Help me!”
5. This Plant is Closed – The story of a straw manufacturing plant as seen through the hole of the final straw. And when that final straw rolls off the assembly line, a visibly moved CEO picks it up and cries, “We’re closing now. This is the last straw.”

 

 

The Not So Good Ones

1. The Queen Elizabeth Phone Sex Tapes: Naughty, Naughty on the Telly – In these newly discovered recordings found in the rethatched roof of the Pig & Whistle Pub in Ipswich, the Queen is heard sharing tawdry talk with her palace guard Beefeater, Heathclyffe. Listen in sordid salaciousness as Heathclyffe refers variously to the Queen’s undercarriage as Her Majesty’s Pita, the Royal Gash and the Outback Downunder. Some question the tape’s authenticity. Especially since in the background we repeatedly hear someone picking up a phone and saying, “George Santos residence.”

 

2. Hair Raising Experiences – Pie weight salesman Osgood Pantene shampoos a woman against her will. Or did he? He says she agreed to it by bending over a portable basin he keeps in his wallet. She says she didn’t know what was happening until he had his sudsy fingers all up in her hair, but by then it was too late and she was all in a lather. This kind of thing happens a lot in the book so I can’t recommend it. I mean it’s just so lather, rinse, repeat. Still, this “He said, She said” shampoo story is Head & Shoulders above anything else we’ve read in the Bathic novel genre.
3. Letters of Pol Pot – People sometimes forget this little mass murderer who disappeared 1/10^th of Cambodia’s population in the 1970s – and just because someone screwed-up his take-out order (who orders blue curry?). In a pique of rage, he channeled his wrath into an indiscriminate cleansing of the population just to get rid of all the sloppy order-takers everywhere in the greater Phnom Penh region. His method was the very definition of overkill, but then again misplaced anger seldom achieves its goals. In this attempt to rehabilitate his legacy, Madam Wat, who ran the brothel Mr. Pot frequented, has released a trove of love letters the young and lovelorn Pol wrote to his favorite prostitutes. If this doesn’t make you reassess the diminutive despot, nothing will.

 

1. Eat, Pray, Spooj
2. Really? You’d Let Me Do That to You
3. When I Pretend You’re Someone Else I Love You Even More
4. You Slay Me: Especially Your Morning Breath
5. The Passionate Prenup
6. I Love It When We’re Dancing Cheek to Cheek. Can I Specify Which Cheeks?
7. I Said “Get in my Volvo” not My Vulva

 

The Not So Good Ones

1. The Telltale Vibrator
2. Truly: It’s Not Your Smell, It’s My Nose
3. The Tunnel of Love is Paved with Good Intentions
4. Necromancy in the Time of COVID: You’re Dead to Me

1. Being told you can’t be part of a Class Action Lawsuit because you have no class
2. Cocaine Bear
3. Being forced to binge-watch One Life to Live – this is especially tough for people who believe in reincarnation
4. A girlfriend who keeps putting air quotes around your penis
5. You crack open an egg and an angry lizard comes out and attacks you. You try to laugh it off, but soon discover – this is no yolk.
6. I wouldn’t wish You on my worst enemy – especially when you’re in one of your “moods”
7. A judge decreeing you must be catheterized for non-payment of a parking ticket
8. Another judge sentencing you to a year of circumcising elephants for not smiling when getting catheterized for not paying your parking ticket. Well, as far as the elephant thing goes; the pay might not be great, but I hear the tips are tremendous.
9. When trying to go to bed, you have to listen to an endless White noise loop of someone snoring
10. You have to perform at a “Gentleman’s Club” under the name of Candy Samples. Although the pay might not be great, I hear the tips are tremendous.
11. In writing a very important letter, your spellcheck doesn’t work, so the parole board fully realizes what an undeserving dipsh*t you really are
12. To get waterboarded with Yoo-hoo
13. Waking up on the moon
14. Having to put out a restraining order against the Dalai Lama because he’s after your sorry ass.
15. Where you believe that even though superficial evidence seems to indicate that you are just a person living in your body, completely separate and distinct from God and everyone else. That would be foolhardy…and narrow. Some people think this tip is tremendous.

1. Gropey – This all-hands dwarf couldn’t stop touching his fellow actors and was #metoo-ed off the set
2. Swiftie – This dwarf was always trying to shake it off
3. Mucousy – A real drip. Usually found quarantining w/Sneezy.
4. Phony – George Santos dressed as a dwarf
5. Limey – An Englishman dwarf who developed scurvy
6. Needy – A clinging little guy who suffered from abandonment issues
7. Blitzen – One of Santa’s reindeer that briefly got mixed-up with the Dwarfs.
8. Rashful – Poor little shy guy suffered from eczema
9. Dock – This other “Doc” enjoyed boating and would never come to work
10. Chang and Eng – Siamese dwarfs. Disney only paid them as one dwarf unit, but they demanded to be paid as 2 people even though they were attached at the hip. So they split – kinda.
11. Alky – Always drunk on the set and was let go. Later got a job as a Munchkin.
12. Specificity – He was punctilious, fastidious and precise. A real pain-in-the-ass.
13. Homey the Dwarf – A little too hip for his own good. He had one of those overly elaborate hip-hop handshakes that went on for like 2 minutes.
14. Stupido – An Italian version of Dopey. Always asking women, “Won’t you dunce with me?”
15. Tom Cruise – C’mon, he’s not that little. Give him a break.
16. Spacey – Smoked doobies on the set. Always forgot his lines. Very cool little person however and was the only one who could keep up  with Homey the Dwarf’s complicated 2-minute handshake.
17. Hunky – A sexy dwarf fireman who had his own mini-calendar. Not so much beefcake as he was vealcake
18. Dinky – Was TS (too small). Was actually a very rare “Toy Dwarf.”
19. Boney – Appeared as a Mexican skeleton in one of those Día de Muertos scenes
20. Snarky – It was one snide comment after another with Snarky. Would often remark to politically incorrect tall people that, “Hey, I can call us midgets, but you can’t call us midgets.”
21. Filthy – Hygiene issues caused him to be escorted from the set. In later years, Filthy was the inspiration for Charles Schulz’s Peanuts character “Pig Pen.” He lived off those residuals for years. When asked what he thought of Filthy, Schulz remarked, “He stinks. Wonderfully.”

Issued by Financially Malfeasant Publications, this newsletter is where the smart money goes to get stupid. At FMI we’re not bullish, we’re bullsh*t.

The following rumors are scuttle, butt may be true anyway:

1. JL Kraft Foods Inc. to open a string of Kraft Single Bars – a place where unattached slices of cheese can go to bond with other cheeses of its kind. The bars practice “safe cheese.” That is, each consenting slice agrees to have a protective sheet of wax paper placed between it and its partner to ensure things don’t get too sticky. And isn’t it ironic that these cheese bars can be such meat markets.

 

2. Changes at Good Humor and Friendly Ice Cream. Due to budgetary constraints each company has had to downsize. Good Humor Ice Cream will henceforth be known as Mildly Amusing Ice Cream – and that’s not funny. Meanwhile Friendly Ice Cream, unable to sustain its former level of goodwill, has been renamed Cordial Ice Cream. Seeing these once proud ice cream companies being forced to downsize, just melts your heart.

 

3. In a similar move, the Scrabble-like app Words with Friends, will offer a less collegial version for more aloof people who prefer to avoid emotional entanglements in their Scrabble partners – the new app is called Words with Acquaintances.

 

4. Elon Musk to sell Tesla. He plans to plow the proceeds into his latest visionary quest: Pie Weights – those small, oven-safe ceramic balls used in baking a pie crust. There’s a fortune at stake here. The news has already hit the street, and in after-hours trading, Pie Weight futures skyrocketed to almost 4¢ a ball. And there’s an estimated 30,000 to 40,000 balls out there so you do the math.

Can shower curtain weights and outdoor tablecloth weights be far behind? Pie Weight hoarding has already been reported at Marie Callendar’s. Musk added fuel to the fire commenting, “I’m all in on Pie Weights – the future is now and it screams Pie Weights.” Musk has already cornered the market on drapery weights, collar stays and ballast stones for ships.  

 

5. Warren Buffet to buy the Hansom Cab Company. “Right now there are too many ugly Hansom Cabs. What we need are handsome Hansom cabs,” said the elderly investor who then finished his big-piece jigsaw puzzle and was given some warm milk. He made the announcement with magnet magnate Earl Groat by his side.

 

6. Carl Icahn to lose billions by recklessly employing credit default swaps (CDS), essentially insurance policies insuring bonds against losses, tied to an index tracking bundles of loans to malls and other commercial properties, he sought to leverage the underlying bonds insuring the property to default. No one understood any of this. No one. Ever. But billions were somehow made by someone until they all realized they were just playing Monopoly. 

 

7. IHOP to raise prices of pancakes. In an effort to balance supply and demand for their signature breakfast cakes, IHOP is raising the price of a short stack to $9. An IHOP spokesthey justified the price hike by saying, “We had no choice. Our pancakes were selling like hot cakes and we were running out.” While the IHOP is increasing prices the DHOP (the Domestic House of Pancakes) is holding prices steady.