Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

On the Menu Tonight:

The AppePfizer (brought to you by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals – a druggy division of Milton-Bradley) 

1. That I was once accused of trafficking in counterfeit stallion teeth. Neigh. Tis not true. I got them straight from the horses’ mouth.
2. That I was never able to get either foot all the way into my mouth. And yet people said I managed to do this regularly – whenever I spoke.
3. That my company selling erectile dysfunction drugs went out of business. Why? The competition was too stiff.
4. That I never met Helen Reddy’s Dingo – and now it’s too late. Fun Fact: Ringo had a Dingo named Bingo. He spelled it B-i-n-go, B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name.
5. That what I thought was an authentic Sharon Stone pubic hair (purchased and verified on eBay), turned out to belong to Wanda Sykes.
6. That when I shook the Pope’s hand with a joy buzzer, his Swiss Guard roughed me up.

Sorbet Palette Cleanser.

1. That most restaurants refuse to seat me when I enter with my service ostrich. But it’s OK for Mr. Aristocrat to come in with a handkerchief full of bugers in his pocket.
2. Finding out I had 2 days to live after purchasing green bananas
3. That my hefty investment in the Used Casket business, never got off the ground – in fact it never even got out of the ground
4. That even though I knew it was true, I could never prove Toni Tennile based Muskrat Sam on me. Screw you Darryl.
5. That my fanny crack is horizontal. Very awkward, unless you’re in Japan where its buttocks as usual.

The Entrée 

1. That after attending a Reba McEntire concert, I found out later, I was facing the wrong way

Dessert

1. That Jada Pinkett sent back the toupee I sent her. And then Wil Smith slapped me with a slander suit.

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Yes. Gratitude. I’d like to take a moment to bestow gratitude upon the following:

1. Second Responders – They get no credit at all – in fact I don’t even know who they are.
2. All my Facebook friends – Well, almost all of them
3. The Waltons – Especially John Boy and that cute Mary Ellen
4. Tiny Tim – The Dickens’ one and not the goofy one who tiptoed thru the tulips
5. Mother Teresa – Set such a quiet example of easy selflessness

In fact, let’s be thankful every day, all year. Not in an overly pious way, just in an “it’s cool to be alive” way.

And, most importantly, may God grant me the serenity & wisdom to understand my 14 streaming services: 4 of which I think I pay for, 5 which might be free or cost $38 each, 1 of which I access via a subdural chip they implanted on my person, against my will (part of my court-ordered probation) and the other 4 that all have pluses (+) at the end of them.

Yes. A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

Have yourself a merry little tryptophan-ic turkey day

1. Womanicotti – It’s much curvier than Manicotti, and more considerate too
2. Tonytoni – A street-smart pasta, shaped like Tony Danza
3. Buttaroni – A favorite of the Kardashians
4. Angel Nose Pasta – As you can well imagine, it smells heavenly
5. Bolo Tie Pasta – Far from Farfalle, it’s popular with cowboys
6. Knocky – Not Gnocchi, but similar
7. Cavatelli Savalas – Shaped like Kojak’s chrome dome
8. Testicallini – Usually served in pairs
9. Spaghetti F’s – If you liked Spaghetti O’s, you’ll love Spaghetti F’s. They are F’n good
10. Vomitcelli – This pasta often comes-up in conversation, and in actuality too
11. Microroni – Macaroni’s tiny little brother.

Buon Appetito Everyone!

Omitted

1. Lunguine – We can all breathe a little easier with this pasta shape
2. Service Dog Pasta – The world weary draw nutritional and emotional support while chowing down on pasta in the shape of service dogs
3. Angel Hair – A classic
4. Angel Pubic Hair – A curlicue classic. Did you know, that every time someone starts a podcast, an angel loses their pubic hair
5. Crazo – If you like Orzo you’ll love this looney tunes pasta
6. Crackatini –Not trying to be cheeky here, butt they’re Derriere-licious.
7. Scrotatelli – Much like ravioli, a pillowy pouch suitable for stuffing with meat or cheese
8. Tamponelli – People seem to use it about the same time each month.
9. Groinacolli – Favorite pasta of crotchety old men
10. Spermacetti – Make up your own joke (there’s only 5000)

1. Split Pea with Hamlet – To eat or not to eat. That, is the question.
2. Italian-Style Divorcing Soup – A bookend to Italian-Style Wedding Soup. These soups satisfy whether you’re coming or going.
3. Gayspacho – Made with same sex tomatoes. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back…to another soup that is.
4. Chicken Dumbo – One part chicken, one part elephant. I don’t think it’ll ever fly. Kinda ear-rie actually.
5. Greek Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From the Alpha to the Omega.
6. Egyptian Hieroglyph Soup – If you love sideways falcons, symbolic ankhs and more amulets than a box of Lucky Charms, you’ll love this Pharaonic soup. And if you don’t like Egyptian soup, well then Tut Tut.
7. Viciousoise – Not to be confused with Vichyssoise, Viciousoise is a cold and cruel potato soup
8. Cram Chowder – An Asian version of Clam Chowder
9. Tripe Bisque – Most people can’t stomach it
10. Maxistrone – Minestrone on steroids
11. Kit-n-Caboodle Noodle Soup – Oodles of noodles in Kit-n-Caboodle.

Toodles!

Omitted

• LGBTQ Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From L to Q. Can’t spell BLT w/o it

1. What Yappy Dogs Have Taught Me
   

   My friend has a swell head.

2. Men with Ringworm…and the Women Who Love Them
3. “On the Paper You Urchins!” On Toilet Training Dickensian Orphans
4. Mom Kept Me in a Refrigerator Box Till I was 8: Learning to Chillax Again in a Big Scary World
5. Born Under a Zero: Learning to Live Without an Astrological Sign
6. It Takes Two: Learning to Use the New 35 ft. Intestinal Flosses
7. Can You Eat Animal Crackers and Still Call Yourself a Vegan?
8. I was Born a Virgin, I’ll Die a Virgin:
9. From Shiplap to Beadboard – A Panel Discussion on Paneling
10. Monsieur Papillion Teaches Fencing – Mostly Chain Link and Stockade
11. Pharmaceutical Media Influencers Insist: You’ll Be More Popular than Ever, Once You Have Eczema

1. I Married a White Man – Wanda Calvert, a Baltimore washerwoman, explains how it came to be that she married a white man. The fact that she is also white makes the story very uninteresting.
2. I Loathe Lucy – Willam Frawley takes us on a dark journey into the seamy underbelly of Desilu Studios. He takes particular aim at “Little Ricky’s” incredible growth spurt. More specifically Mr. Frawley decries the implausibility of Little Ricky being born one season and showing-up as a wise-cracking 5-year-old in the next.
3. One Door Closes, Another Opens – An elderly female elevator operator from Pasadena is forced to retire after she accidentally inhales too much clumping cat litter. Her coworkers now call her, ♫The Little Old Lady with Emphysema.♫ When asked how she was doing the former elevator operator responded, “Well I don’t have as many ups and downs as when I was working.” In the British edition of this book, the little old lady is a lift operator from Wuthering Heights.
4. This Plant is Closed – The story of a Venus flytrap as seen through the compound eyes of a newly imprisoned fly. And yes, near the end, the fly does eke out a forlorn “Help me!”
5. This Plant is Closed – The story of a straw manufacturing plant as seen through the hole of the final straw. And when that final straw rolls off the assembly line, a visibly moved CEO picks it up and cries, “We’re closing now. This is the last straw.”

The Not So Good Ones

1. The Queen Elizabeth Phone Sex Tapes: Naughty, Naughty on the Telly – In these newly discovered recordings found in the rethatched roof of the Pig & Whistle Pub in Ipswich, the Queen is heard sharing tawdry talk with her palace guard Beefeater, Heathclyffe. Listen in sordid salaciousness as Heathclyffe refers variously to the Queen’s undercarriage as Her Majesty’s Pita, the Royal Gash and the Outback Downunder. Some question the tape’s authenticity. Especially since in the background we repeatedly hear someone picking up a phone and saying, “George Santos residence.”

2. Hair Raising Experiences – Pie weight salesman Osgood Pantene shampoos a woman against her will. Or did he? He says she agreed to it by bending over a portable basin he keeps in his wallet. She says she didn’t know what was happening until he had his sudsy fingers all up in her hair, but by then it was too late and she was all in a lather. This kind of thing happens a lot in the book so I can’t recommend it. I mean it’s just so lather, rinse, repeat. Still, this “He said, She said” shampoo story is Head & Shoulders above anything else we’ve read in the Bathic novel genre.
3. Letters of Pol Pot – People sometimes forget this little mass murderer who disappeared 1/10^th of Cambodia’s population in the 1970s – and just because someone screwed-up his take-out order (who orders blue curry?). In a pique of rage, he channeled his wrath into an indiscriminate cleansing of the population just to get rid of all the sloppy order-takers everywhere in the greater Phnom Penh region. His method was the very definition of overkill, but then again misplaced anger seldom achieves its goals. In this attempt to rehabilitate his legacy, Madam Wat, who ran the brothel Mr. Pot frequented, has released a trove of love letters the young and lovelorn Pol wrote to his favorite prostitutes. If this doesn’t make you reassess the diminutive despot, nothing will.

1. Eat, Pray, Spooj
2. Really? You’d Let Me Do That to You
3. When I Pretend You’re Someone Else I Love You Even More
4. You Slay Me: Especially Your Morning Breath
5. The Passionate Prenup
6. I Love It When We’re Dancing Cheek to Cheek. Can I Specify Which Cheeks?
7. I Said “Get in my Volvo” not My Vulva

The Not So Good Ones

1. The Telltale Vibrator
2. Truly: It’s Not Your Smell, It’s My Nose
3. The Tunnel of Love is Paved with Good Intentions
4. Necromancy in the Time of COVID: You’re Dead to Me