Posts Tagged ‘death’

Over the course of time there has been a need to stipulate the manner in which a future deceased person (the soon dead) shall distribute their worldly possessions. It has not been without its peculiarities. Here is a sample of some of the more unique bequests directed by individual estates:

1. Little Miss Muffet – Left her tuffet to Mother Goose and all her curds to the spider. At the reading of the Will, the spider was puzzled by receiving only the curds and complained to the lawyer, “No way?” To which the lawyer responded, “Whey.”
2. Jerry Mathers – He says he’s going to Leave It to Beaver
3. Earth – Is leaving everything to the Meek. I guess the meek really shall inherit the earth.
4. Kim Kardashian – She recently amended her Will. Instead of leaving it all to posterity, she’s leaving it all to her posterior. What an ass.
5. Mother Teresa – Saintly MT, having so generously given it all away before her death, she had nothing left to give and hence no Will
6. Kermit the Frog – He leaves his single-family lily pad to Miss Piggy. She’s in Hog Heaven now and consequently unable to accept.
   

   Me and yet another of my imaginary friends.

7. All Deciduous Trees – They leave their leaves to the Mulch God, I beleaf.
8. Dolly Parton – She’s leaving them to the Dollywood Orphanage. If for whatever reason they can’t accept them, they go to the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
9. Will-denier Robert F Kennedy Jr. said he doesn’t see a way he’ll ever have a Will. He then recanted when reminded that, “Where there’s a Will, there’s a way.”
10. Paul McCartney – He’s not making a Will. He’s just going to Let It Be.
11. Shirley MacLaine – The reincarnation lady left her entire estate to unborn Frieda Allsworth’s embryo, whose fetus she’s planning to inhabit in utero in her next lifetime. Careful Shirl. I hear the IRS is watching this one.
12. George Will – Left his Will to posterity. He’s now known simply as George.
13. Zombies – Because they’re Undead they need an UnWill in case they’re feeling Unwell.
14. The Alphabet – When it dies it’s planning on leaving everything to New Times Roman – at least from the letters I’ve seen.
15. Will Ferrell – Same as George Will. He’s leaving his Will to posterity and henceforth will become just plain feral.
16. Fannie Farmer – Fannie left her entire fortune of $100 million to her niece Candy, under the stipulation that Candy was to be presented it in an assortment of 1000 heart-shaped boxes with the money filling the 32 little ruffled cups inside.

Perhaps the fastest (though not the pleasantest) way to journey to the “other side” is via an NDE or Near Death Experience. NDEs are a transformative event where the souls of temporarily flatlined stiffs leave their bodies, behold otherworldly dimensions and then are miraculously ushered back to their once lifeless bodies. Some say an NDE removes all fears about death and replaces it with an unshakably affirming knowingness, more real than anything found on Earth.

• Pinterest user Sally Klein, who had a near death experience when a blowfish recipe went terribly wrong, said of her NDE, “OMG. It was like you were permanently perfumed with pumpkin spice. Can you imagine? It was no longer seasonal. It was Pumpkin Spice fulltime! Fulltime all the time!”
• Comic Con fanboy Calvin Turlock said of his Marvel-ous NDE, “The Marvel Universe is real. Superpowers are real – I took down Dwayne Johnson.”
• Amazon boss Jeff Bezos recounted his NDE, “It was amazing. I compared my financial situation with the Almighty’s and it turns out I have more money than God…no wait. That was my regular life here on earth.”

 

When we go over to the other side it seems we all go where we expect ourselves to go. Hmmmm. What if we had no expectation? Where would we go then?  

 

 

Whose Side Are You On?

 

Well currently we’re all on this side – at least for now. But eventually we’ll all be on the other side where we discover it’s all one; and there really isn’t, and never has been, an “other side.” Are we clear? NDEs are just the miraculousness of experiencing everything, everywhere, all at once. But is all this heavenly hyperbole really miraculous? – Meh. It’s only miraculous to us earthbound creatures pondering it all from this side.

 

 

It’s Just a Job

 

I’m sure the entities that superintend this cosmic function of bringing souls into and out of this world, don’t come home teeming with tender stories of mythic miracles like NDE experiencers do. More likely they come home smelling of the souls they’re shuttling back and forth all eternity – like a fishmonger might come home smelling of fish or a florist like flowers. It’s a hazard of the profession. Hustling souls in and out of the 3^rd rock from the sun is just a job for some. This supposedly extraordinary bookkeeping process of managing departed souls (of which NDEs are probably just a kinked glitch in the system) is only a portion of the overall operating system of the universe and merely the bailiwick these superintendents oversee. (You don’t have to believe any of this, but it’s probably true anyway.)

 

We poor slobs however, marvel in wonderment at this-couldn’t-be-happening-to-little-ole-me experience. NDEs are not something special happening to you, for you. I surmise NDEs are just part of a process to move souls in and out of bodies around the cosmos. There’s no reason to feel special or anointed if it happens to you. Don’t underplay it either. Just consider it. You’re a big part of the whole shootin’ match whether you think you’re tragically inconsequential or fabulously magnificent. You see the truth doesn’t require your belief. And I mean that in a good way. You don’t have to believe in something in order for something to happen. For example, I don’t believe in Santa Claus, but I still get presents at Christmas.  

 

On this earth, where we tend to get lost in the need to make permanent our personal identity, we’re regularly privy to maybe 2% of all the magnificence operating on the other side. Why this magnificence of the hereafter is so apparently distant and hidden from us I’ll never know. But it is – generally. The hereafter (hereafter referred to as the hereafter) is kinda like electricity. Most of us relate to electricity through on and off switches; barely cognizant of the humming transmission lines, generating plants and the eons it took to produce the gas, coal or oil (fossil fuels) firing them. The hereafter contains all the hidden electrical infrastructure. We aren’t allowed to see all of God’s electrical magnificence so we can stay focused on our jobs here on earth – whatever that may be. This model I present might not accurately describe matters, but it does provide 2 dimes – I mean “a paradigm.” That’s my 2 cents anyway. Moving on. Read the rest of this entry »

1. Wilma Cantwell groaned to death after reading my pun: “I was going to write this list in Times New Roman font, but it’s really not my type.”
2. In Compton, Dylan Barrett Browning was crushed to death in a vicious drive-by poetry slam. Investigators say there was no rhyme or reason to it.
3. Swami Baba Ganouj died when, after an out-of-body experience, he couldn’t get back in to his body again. In 3 attempts he failed to identify all the bicycles in a cosmic Captcha Code and got locked out. Enjoy the Astral plane Baba.
4. 

   Picture I always include in my resume. So what if I haven’t worked in 9 years. It’s who I am.

   In 1985 Sheena Loman was flabbergasted to death after sampling New Coke

5. A Marilyn Monroe impersonator died when she tried to reenact the famous subway dress scene from The Seven Year Itch and an unexpectedly powerful burst of air from the subway grating lifted her and her billowing dress into the path of an oncoming bus.
6. Finn Atwater died from being morbidly alphanumeric. Her Pinterest User Name was $5@H²0 (“$5” = a fin and “@H²0” = Atwater). RIP Finn.
7. In 1952, the actress Rita Hayworth was instantly vaporized by paparazzi when they simultaneously took 22 glimmering shots of her. She was gone in a flash.
8. Caleb Cushing of New York City turned to salt after accidentally seeing his grandmother doing naked hot yoga. He briefly became a pillar of the community – a salt pillar – till that same powerful burst of air that killed the Marilyn Monroe impersonator, blew Caleb to smithereens.
9. Patrick Dunder, died when he was peering down a railroad track to make sure no train was coming and the barricade arm came down and conked him on the head.
10. An absent-minded Grateful Deadhead dyed today when he realized he was wearing a white t-shirt. He tie-dyed.

1. Discovering too late, that what you thought would “make you stronger,” actually killed you
2. Cleaning the leaves from your gutter and getting hit by debris from a Boeing 777 engine
3. Asking Chuck Norris which of the LGBTQ letters he most closely identifies with
4. 

   Not for $1 million. $2 million. Not for all the cheese in Wisconsin. 

   Eating 3 consecutive meals at any restaurant featured on “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”

5. Challenging someone by saying, “Over my dead body.”
6. Falling asleep in Steve Bannon’s laundry hamper
7. Quicksand
8. Puncture wounds from taking a Meteor Shower
9. Getting gored when falling on a fire hydrant – during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain
10. Getting Gored to death while discussing carbon emissions with former Vice President Al Gore
11. Involuntary head removal due to a low hanging ceiling fan
12. Inhaling next to Kim Jong Un
13. Walking into a bar. Not the kind that serves drinks.
14. Drinking an out-of-season Shamrock Shake
15. Drinking an in-season Shamrock Shake
16. Experiencing a 9.5 earthquake in Ireland: aka a Shamrock Shake
17. Standing next to an amorous Randy Quaid when he realizes you’re under a mistletoe
18. Covering yourself in honey and standing too close to a mother birthing her bear cub
19. Covering yourself in asbestos and standing too close to a Saturn V rocket nozzle when it blasts off
20. Standing too close to Gwen Stefani when she peroxides her hair
21. Wondering too strongly what it’s like to free climb El Capitan
22. Arrogantly trying to prove “There’s absolutely no way the power is still on” by sticking your tongue into a circuit breaker
23. Getting sucked into an Escher print
24. Getting sucked into a conversation with Joe Rogan about MC Escher
25. Experiencing a fall from Grace. Note: Grace must at least 15 feet or taller.
26. Trying to find meaning in The Who song “Squeeze Box”
27. Self-inflicted wounds from poorly aiming your bullet points
28. Getting blindsided by a tumbleweed
29. Getting into the dryer just to warm up for a minute
30. Trying to Binge watch The Dukes of Hazard
31. Trying to Bitch watch Sex and the City
32. Getting “let go” from your job at a firing range

1. 

   Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

   They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.

 

2. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!

 

3. Is it me or are you really that tall?

 

4. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.

 

5. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler

 

6. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.

 

7. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”

 

8. Death is the ultimate mic drop

 

9. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.

 

10. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.

 

11. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.

 

12. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”

 

13. Was privileged to see America made great again.

 

14. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.

 

15. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.

 

16. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.

 

17. Thanks a lot Obama!

 

18. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}

 

19. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.

 

20. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”

 

21. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya? 

 

The matchmakers at GraveEncounters.com have created a corpse-friendly website for those dearly departed souls who are looking for love in the Afterlife. The graveyard has long been a dormant market for swinging singles, but with GraveEncounters.com’s patented NecroLink bandwidth and Blacktooth technology, the recently deceased can now pursue an affair of the heart long after theirs has stopped beating.  

As Celine Dion has so eloquently reminded us: Your heart will go on. And it’s not a cliché. Death won’t still the yearning heart from connecting with the One. Once having crossed over you’ll still retain that powerful urge to merge. And that’s why GraveEncounters.com has carefully screened over 8,000,000 profiles of dearly departed who are just dying to meet you. Alright, that was a cliché, but whether you’re recently deceased or have been a-moldering since before the wheel was discovered, we encourage you to browse our no-obligation preview page to find that special decedent who’s a match made in heaven. Enjoy the convenience of our “Virtual Mortuary” website where calling hours are 24/7. Who knows, maybe you’ll find love and no one will ever again have to pry your lover from your cold dead hands.

GraveEncounters.com: Because love shouldn’t have to end with, “Hey Doc, shouldn’t my liver be on the inside?”

 

A Sampling of Our Member Profiles

1. Lonely zombie seeks brainy type for companionship and more. Definitely more interested in your brains than your body.

 

2. Cryogenically frozen lady seeks a warm-blooded man to melt my cold, cold heart…and my other organs too. Please rescue me. I implore you. Your Ice Princess awaits her Prince Warming. Read the rest of this entry »

Growing old is a contradiction in terms. It’s more like “shrinking” old. Aging is like doing the bad kind of pucker-up. But before I pile on and make growing old sound like a death sentence (which it is), let’s remember it’s perfectly natural and obviously part of our architecture. Reaching one’s expiration date might seem unpalatable, but it can actually be quite tasty when we sugar-coat our terms and serve it up with a dollop of perspective. What’s actually being destroyed here? It’s the body and not the spirit. In fact they’re 2 completely different animals – one really is an animal (the body) and the other is eternal (the spirit). Isn’t that comforting? Maybe it’s cold comfort, but I find great solace in the natural rhythms of the universe. Of course I might not revel in the virtues of nature if I’m attached to a morphine drip because my self-driving car decided to drive myself off a cliff. But that’s another story (Note to self: Make next story about a suicidal self-driving car.).
Read the rest of this entry »

Professional sports leagues provide the best euphemisms for those souls who’ve dearly departed the playing field. For example, the NFL describes death as being placed on the “Permanently Unable to Perform List.” If you do not go gently into that good night, Major League Baseball will put you on the “Involuntary Retirement List.” And to the NBA death is that strange thing where you suddenly find yourself playing for the 6 feet and under league. And while some run in terror from the Grim Reaper, others see an opportunity in being Reaped by His Grimness. For instance, after your body has been repossessed by the Grim Repo Man, you no longer have to watch in disbelief while it slowly delaminates and its once sculpted contours begin to look like something you’d see in a Funhouse mirror. Death also makes you very easy to shop for at Christmas. I mean what do you get for the person who has no pulse? – Defibrillators? Read the rest of this entry »