Posts Tagged ‘jesus’

1. Remember, Jesus didn’t graduate high school either.
2. I had nothing to do with the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. Well, almost nothing.
3. I don’t like social media influencers. I’m more of an anti-social media influencer.
4. I’m at my best when I’m eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
5. I don’t care what the court order says, I wasn’t stalking Marlo Thomas, Marlo Thomas was stalking me.
6. I’m a little anal in the kitchen. I make Tidy Joe’s
7. Since it’ll come out anyway. Remember, the word “manslaughter” has many interpretations
8. Since it’ll come out anyway. I have to ask, “Does this job require more than 7 fingers.”
9. Since it’ll come out anyway. I’ve visited the grave of Regis Philbin 28 times, but (and I think this counts for a lot), I’ve only visited the grave of Charles Manson once.
10. I think Groundhog Day has become a shadow of its former self..
11. The eggs I’ve eaten are now just a shell of their former selves.
12. Crystal Meth is not all it’s cracked-up to be.
13. Since it’ll come out anyway. You should know upfront that, when I’m in one of my moods, I like to wear men’s underwear.
14. Since it’ll come out anyway. I hope my conjoined twin Henry (embedded deeply in my left clavicle) is neither distracting nor disqualifying. And don’t worry. I’ll pay him out of what you pay me. Being just an elfin head and one feeble hand, Henry pretty much goes along with everything I say. I mean what’s he gonna do, go on a hunger strike.
15. Since it’ll come out at some anyway I should just tell you upfront I like to watch women breast feed….and it’s not even a sexual thing. It’s more about nourishing and healing the planet. Yeah, that’s it. It’s about healing the planet.
16. Since it’ll come out anyway. I have pictures of every Cat Woman there’s ever been. I’ve even visited the grave of Julie Newmar….and she’s still alive. At least according to the drone I have circling her home. 
17. I don’t really possess tangible humor. I just have a sense of humor.
18. For both our sakes, I’ll ask you to please read this resumé carefully as some of my menu items have recently changed.
19.  Based on this resumé, and even though this is not a medical emergency, you should probably call 9-1-1 anyway

Bonus Thought:

If there were cell phones at the time of Christ, I believe the apostles would’ve done a lot less following, and a lot more face timing: “Check out this sermon Paul.”

“Yeah Luke, he’s like standing on a little rocky prominence saying some really cool sh*t. Anyway, we should play Words with Friends. There’s an app for it.”

“Oh Paul, you really put the app in apostle.”

I love the smell of frankincense in the morning!

A band of Spaniards had come all the way from La Mancha to seek out the young Jesus, who was then ministering in Galilee. Over hill and dale they searched for the Messiah.
Spotting the Lord and his entourage walking in the distance, their leader beckoned to him:

The Man of La Mancha: Hey Zeus! Hey Zeus! Is that you?

Jesus and his apostles stopped and addressed the yearning acolytes. Peter gently corrected the man of La Mancha, “My friend, that is not Zeus. It’s Jesus. He is God, but he’s far from the Greek mythological God you’re confusing him with. Your group must be from Athens.

The Man of La Mancha: No sir. We’re from Spain and I know that’s Hey Zeus.

Peter: Hey Zeus? Oh, you mean Jesus. I get it. You speak Spanish and pronounce Jesus as Hey Zeus with a J that sounds like an H. Got it. Hey, be careful with that. I mean don’t go calling St. Joe, St. Hoe.

For those unfamiliar with the life and times of Jesus of Nazareth, I’ve provided some FAQs to help people reacquaint themself with the great Savior:

1. Did Jesus ever get stoned? No, but many times he came close to getting stoned when he ran afoul of the Romans.
2. Did Jesus write anything? Nope. All his gospels are “as told by.” Think of them as being ghost written – by the Holy Ghost.
3. Did Jesus have dates? Yes. Hundreds of them. He loved dates and they were a very abundant and cheap food source in the greater Judea area.
4. Did Jesus’s brother James, suffer from an inferiority complex? Yup. How could he not? His older brother was a light unto the world, whereas James once lit a manger on fire. Surprisingly though, James could change water into ice, but only if the temperature dropped below 32°.
5. Does Jesus have the ability to integrate the content of all your applications into one seamless platform? Child please!
6. Why doesn’t Jesus just return and shower the world in beatific love? He has. Several times, but most people are antagonistic toward this itinerant, long-haired hippie spouting off about doing unto others and loving thy neighbor. He’s had poor management of late – like Elvis did in the 1970s. Where’s an apostle when you need one.
7. How dark was Jesus’ skin? Let’s put it this way – he wouldn’t exactly be welcomed in some of his churches today.
8. If Jesus had a residency in Las Vegas, what would he perform? Well, he’d probably kickoff the show with Sermon on the Mount and maybe follow that up with a version of “Crocodile Rock.” He’d blow away illusionist David Copperfield’s disappearing spectacles. Instead of making an elephant vanish, Jesus would do the same with hate and anger. Great stuff. At the end of the show I’d envision a mic drop and then an ascension up through the proscenium arch.
9. Did Jesus have any tattoos? Yes. One. It read: WWMD – What Would Moses Do.
10. Did he throw a ball like a girl? No way. Not JC. In fact he could slingshot a rock better than David (not me, but the Biblical David,).
11. Was Jesus musical? Kinda. He could play air versions of all the popular instruments back in the day: air drums, air flute and a mean air harp. And yet he was scrupulous about never putting on any airs.
12. Who cut Jesus’s hair? A very young Barbara Walters.
13. Was Jesus at Woodstock? Inconclusive. He would’ve blended in so well with the rest of the hippies, nobody would’ve noticed except maybe Crosby, Stills and Nash who referred to him in their song Woodstock, “Well I came upon the child of God, he was walking along the road…”
14. Was Jesus aware of the dangers of asbestos? No…asbestos we can tell anyway.
15. Did Jesus get along with his father? Yes, although he thought his dad was kind of an absentee father, who was there in spirit only.
16. Do people still love Jesus today? Well yes, but people seem to love the “idea” of Jesus more than actually practicing his message of non-judgment, self-reflection, forgiveness and the Golden Rule. Many use his good name to fleece their flock of donations to buy mansions on the ground, instead of mansions in the sky.

The Christ boys: Jesus and James. Jesus displaying enlightened gospel. James hiding his rolled up report card.

James of Nazareth was the little known and far less celebrated brother of Jesus of Nazareth. As you might imagine, growing up in the shadow of the Christ child was not an easy thing to do. When your brother is the Son of God it’s hard to have a sibling rivalry. How do you compete?

James:           Mom here’s an ashtray I made at school.

Mom:              That’s very good James.

                        Vs.

Jesus:            Mom here’s an alternative universe of indescribable joy.

Mom:              Thank you Jesus!

Read the rest of this entry »

New evidence indicates the Virgin Mary was refused service at the Inn because she was a Jew.

The Immaculate Conception may be the most mysterious explanation a wife ever gave a husband for carrying someone else’s baby. But when God comes-a-knockin’, what are you supposed to say, “Not tonight Lord, I’m shampooing.” His will be done. If he can make the the Mississippi River and the Rocky Mountains, he can certainly make this serenely humble peasant from Nazareth. To those who dismissively say, “The Immaculate Conception is inconceivable,” I say go choke on your contradiction in terms. I mean you’ll doubt the Immaculate Conception, but you’ll fully embrace Pringle’s and OctoMom. What is wrong with you people?

Let the skeptics chortle in smug elitism at the improbability of the Immaculate Conception. My truth is in possessing a strong affinity for Nativity scenes. I’m drawn to them like a vegaholic to a salad bar. I’ve always been this way. Maybe it’s because I was born in a Bingo Parlor. Maybe it’s because my favorite hat is a crown of thorns. But for whatever reason, frankincense and myrrh were at the top of my Christmas list. Mom never new quite what to do with them so for about a month after Christmas she’d make us frankincense and myrrh sandwiches for our school lunches or F&Ms as we called them. My attraction to mangers is so compelling that to this day I sleep on a bed of straw. It’s very transformative. In fact I used to sleep in a chilly barn, but mother made me stop because I kept waking up a little hoarse. Read the rest of this entry »