I’ll always carry a torch for catalytic converters – an acetylene torch. I had to in my business. How else was I going to cut them out of the exhaust system?

Hello law-abiding citizens, my name is Eugene Clark and I was once a catalytic converter thief. My street name was Acetylene Gene and due to my dastardly deeds I had a carbon footprint the size of a crop circle. And while catalytic converters save the environment from ghastly gasses, they saved me from financial ruin. That is until I got caught platinum-handed by the Alameda County Sheriff while practicing my craft in a dark and unmonitored Costco employee parking lot. I had just harvested my 3^rd converter of the night when Officer Malloy collared me. I knew I should’ve stopped at 1, but you know how it is when you’re at Costco – you always end up getting more than you planned on.

 

Since that eventful evening I’ve gone straight. I mean I’ve always been straight, it’s just that I no longer steal for a living (unless you count not paying rent at my girlfriend Stacy’s trailer). The Alameda County Probation Dept. sentenced me to house arrest and outfitted me with a hi-tech GPS tracking ankle bracelet. That didn’t last. I kept torching it off and selling the bracelet for its precious metals and valuable circuitry (old habits die hard). The Probation Dept. finally clamped on an unforgiving manacle of worthless iron and I got the message. I’m housebound once again (trailer-bound really) which is no different than my life during COVID. As part of my plea bargaining sentence I’m duty bound to enlighten the public on the nefarious ways catalytic converter thieves operate and how citizens can protect themselves against such rank thievery.

 

To the School Children of America

Kids, as the theme song for the TV series Baretta advised, “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.” Of course Robert Blake, the star of Baretta, is in jail for murder so I don’t know how valid this line of reasoning is. Let me come at you another way. I believe it really hurts your grades to spend too much time trying to picture your teacher naked. It’s a short term benefit that’s not helpful in the long run. But if I could say something more instructive and useful to the school children (and the court does order me to do so) it would be this: Kids, don’t meddle with precious metals. Rare earth materials belong either in the earth or under a car in the exhaust-scrubbing catacombs of a catalytic convertor. A life of larceny will eventually catch up with you so you might as well get on the straight and narrow so you can avoid living in a tin can with manacled ankles.

 

What do catalytic converters do? Yeah, what do day do?

Catalytic converters are like the automobile’s liver. They filter out (convert) harmful and poisonous exhaust gases into relatively harmless compounds. More specifically they transform carbon dioxide, nitric oxide, nitrogen dioxide and hydrocarbons into more environmentally friendly carbon dioxides and water vapor by means of chemical reactions. As the polluting hot exhaust gases pass through honeycombed chambers coated with precious metals at temperatures of 400°, chemical reactions occur that essentially neuter the malevolent gases and convert them into less noxious vapors.

 

Catalytic convertors have a salutary effect on the environment depending on if you know the meaning of the word salutary. Some regard catalytic converters as solid state chimney sweeps. It’s worth noting that despite the ubiquity of catalytic converters, the average vehicle still produces roughly 8 tons of GHG (Greenhouse Gases) annually, mostly in the form of carbon dioxide. Now multiply that by 1.4 billion cars on earth and that’s a ton of CO₂. Actually it’s 11.2 billion tons – almost as heavy as Homer’s The Odyssey.

 

That’s what’s different about today’s global warming. It’s not some endogenous cyclical process. It’s a gross imbalance of 11.2 billion tons of CO₂ injected into the air annually. It’s not part of some organic long term cycle of heating and cooling that the Earth can naturally manage. The earth has never faced this level of unmitigated ecological imbalance since that asteroid impacted the Yucatan Peninsula 65 million years ago, wiping out the dinosaurs and injuring Barbara Walters. Barbara has since recovered, but the earth may not be able to recover from this avalanche of CO₂ as greenhouse gases slowly trap evermore heat. I’m not a doom and gloomer, I’m just stating it as a distinct possibility. It could be catastrophic. The only thing left would be Mt. Rushmore. Read the rest of this entry »

1. I stand with all paraplegics
2. Freedom is not dom, it just sounds that way
3. Beavers Lives Matter #JerryMathersMatters
4. I deeply care about things in an abstract, non-participatory sense
5. I’m passionate about slacktivism and clicktivism
6. If I knew what disingenuous meant, I guess I’d be angry
7. I donate money to many causes anonymously. Here’s a list.
8. I have high moral values…in public
9. I’m just a humble narcissist expressing his false modesty

1. I’m just a humble narcissist suffering from false modesty
2. Most appropriate song in the Ukraine: Crimea River
3. Warning to Anna Phylactic: The enclosed Ideas were written on equipment used in processing tree nuts
4. Henceforth all cities are forbidden to change their names. Listening Peking, Bombay, Kiev? Nobody needed to learn Beijing, Mumbai or Kyiv. Heck, I still call New York City, New Amsterdam. Sometimes I even refer to North America as Terra Incognita or simply the New World, but I’m an old soul. And you too P Diddy or whatever is the latest iteration of your name. You will always be Sean Combs. It’s bad enough your first name doesn’t have an “h” in it.
   

   I love my kitty. This picture has nothing to do with this list. I just love my kitty and I don’t care who knows.

5. You’d think the UCS (Union of Concerned Scientists) would have greater interest in this list. They don’t. These so called “Concerned Scientists” could care less. Hypocritical bastards.
6. If you don’t like this list, don’t humor me with that, “It’s not you, it’s the font” malarkey
7. My dog thinks these ideas are too clever by arf.
8. If when reading this list you experience dangerous waves of laughter, stop reading and dial 911…and please listen carefully because some of their menu options have changed
9. #9 removed by the Union of Concerned Scientist because they were concerned it was “too funny” and would lead to #8. Oh sure, I’m at my funniest and suddenly they’re all concerned.
10. #10 removed by the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Bladders. Well they can piss off.
11. My yogurt has had its acidophilus and bulgaricus culture removed by woke vegans. Just another example of cancel culture.
12. The Cyrillic Alphabet is hard enough, but the symbols ¥ĭŋŧŧƌƣǣȝȾɏɖɖ will lead you to Rune
13. What makes us human? Well we’re the only species to look at our Q-Tips or Kleenex after we’ve used them
14. I’m more aware of your pancreas than you think
15. When is it appropriate to donate something to Goodwill? For example, I have things hanging in my closet I haven’t worn in over a year: a really ugly vest and a couple of raccoons I found guilty of treason. Do I just give them away?

 

Note to Readers: David Hardiman is a multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content. He now refers to himself as the symbol “Ɵ.”

Hello again everyone. I am Ɵ (the multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content formerly known as David Hardiman). Glad to of made your acquaintance. No. That should have read: Glad to have made your acquaintance. Maybe it is the font after all.

 

Peace and Love,

Ringo

Top 10 (or so) Least Popular “White Noise” Ambient Sounds

1. Rain falling on a corpse
2. An endless loop of “Please listen carefully as some of our menu options have changed”
3. Waves crashing on a Land Rover parked too close to the shore
4. Nail guns operated by the Marine Drum & Bugle Corps
5. Wind blowing through an orphanage
6. An endless loop of “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911”
7. Morgan Freeman slowly enunciating, “Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Heeeeere kitty.”
8. A batter repeatedly hit on the ankle by a 95 mph fastball
9. A continuous sound of rubber being punctured by one of those “Caution: Severe Tire Damage” spikes.
10. The Gettysburg Address solemnly spoken in Pig Latin
11. A quartet of Leaf Blowers playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”
12. The sound of no hands clapping. AKA the Sound of Silence.
    

    Whatever get’s ya thru the night…It’s alright. It’s alright.

13. Christopher Walken reciting “Rock-a-Bye Baby”
14. The whoosh of toilets flushing
15. A 15-round recording of Rock’em Sock’em robots boxing
16. A veterinarian brushing Grover’s teeth. Grover is his assistant.
17. The zipping sounds of aestheticians administering a bikini wax

And if this list doesn’t put you to sleep, nothing will.

In 1975 at the tender and horny age of 14 I spied with my little eyes a glimpse of 2 glorious female breasts. At the time they were heaving provocatively and bathed in the pink smoky light of the Palace-a-Go-Go Lounge on James Street in my hometown of Syracuse, NY. These breasts possessed my ideal demographic – human, female, and naked. Through the eyes of a lovelorn 14 year-old, these priceless ornaments were like 2 Crown Jewels perched regally on the chest of a royal subject. I took one breathless glance at those twin charms and sighed “God Save the Queen.”

 

You may wonder what circumstances gave birth to a callow 14 year-old finding himself in a position to ogle a stripper gyrating onstage at midnight? Well the real story behind this wormhole into a forbidden dimension begins at the intersection of lust and wanderlust. Actually it began at the intersection of Wolf Street and 7^th North Street where my sister Gail had an apartment.

 

And that’s where our story truly begins. But before we pick up things at the Danforth Arms Apartments, some background is needed so you may understand my journey from being a student with plenty of homework and chores to do on a quiet Sunday evening at home, to an outlaw truant drinking in a salacious eyeful of Gypsy Rose Lee strutting her fleshy stuff across a smoky stage. I don’t want to tell the story too quickly or you won’t appreciate the journey. Now that I’m 60 I know how to pace myself in elucidating a story so you’ll better appreciate it. No longer am I an excitable 14 year-old prone to premature elucidation. Read the rest of this entry »

And I’m neither referring to NASA landing and operating 5 rovers on Mars (not to mention a helicopter), nor am I referring to the fact that an Airbus 350 weighing 620,000 lbs. at takeoff can stay airborne for 19 hours and fly 9700 miles. While I marvel at these stellar (and interstellar) achievements, what I am referring to specifically is something even more miraculous and decidedly earthbound. It’s probably the most miraculous feat of forever and for all-time. What I’m referring to is free soloist Alex Honnold becoming the first human to summit the 3200′ sheer granite face of El Capitan. And he improbably accomplished this without benefit of any mountaineering equipment except for a pair of really good rubbery shoes and a keen sense of which way is up.

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I use the term “the first human” advisedly because even though I’ve witnessed Mr. Honnold ascend El Capitan in the movie Free Solo, I still don’t believe it’s humanly possible to do what he did. Clearly his status as “human” is in question. Even hybrid human Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly” would have had difficulty traversing this unforgiving eminence. And Honnold made his ascent in only 3 hours and 56 minutes – or about as fast as it takes Elon Musk to manufacture 150 Teslas. So perhaps you can understand why, when I consider Mr. Honnold’s feat, I say, “Wait, did that really happen?”

.

Yes, it really did happen and there is much to say about this superhuman achievement. But words will only conjure a mental dimension of this experience and that’s why I’ve provided some video: Free Solo. It is a worthy exploration to comment on and marvel at this spectacle of indescribable derring-do. And as I share my sense of unalloyed awe at Alex’s outrageous feat and his courageous feet, I realize this endeavor is just business as usual for our uniquely wired Alex. He is not doing this with feigned swagger and false bravado. To Alex, this anti-acrophobic act is not some kind of flashy derring-do. It’s just…do. Read the rest of this entry »

CEO Heralds Cruella’s Tomb Town as “Hilariously Grave”

Coming on the heels of its popular Toon Town, the Walt Disney Corporation announced a ghoulishly new addition called Cruella’s Tomb Town. The delightfully macabre park is overseen by the wicked villainess who shows a cheerier side of herself. The park promises to combine the heart-stopping thrill of graveyard walking with the white-knuckling chill of mortuary science. “You might enter the gates of Tomb Town feeling becalmed, but you’ll leave feeling embalmed,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek in a cryptic XOOM meeting with shareholders.

A suitably morose Chapek said he hopes Tomb Town can pick up where Michael Jackson’s Thriller left off, but without all the adolescent sleepovers. “This is going to be bigger than gender reveal parties and kids are going to just love the ice cream served at the Tomb Town Creamatorium – it’s scooped into a cute little urn and sprinkled with Jimmys – Jimmy Hoffa’s.” Then, thinking his XOOM camera was off, Chapek took off his shirt and scratched like an ape.  

Early beta-testing of Tomb Town revealed a few kinks. For example an employee was arrested for indecent exposure while trying to lay a wreath at the grave of Hugh Hefner. Disney brushed off the whole affair as a simple case of “miscommunication.” In another incident, Tinkerbell bitch-slapped a heckling visitor while shouting, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you who’s a fairy.” But all these glitches were ironed out and now Cruella’s Tomb Town is a side-splitting celebration of cemetery satire, a bastion of boffo boneyard absurdity, a mecca of mausoleum mirth and a crypt of killer comedy. Who knew a happily morbid park could do all that?

Cruella’s Tomb Town features such amusing and macabre delights as:

1. The Hall of Animatronic Caskets where you can hear one casket say to the other, “Is that you coffin?”
2. Skeletons of the Caribbean – Enjoy a politically incorrect laugh when you hear the Japanese captain announce over the ship’s intercom, “This is your pirate speaking.”
3. Burial Pyramid of Calvin Burkhart – A tribute to the greatest triangle player the world has ever known
4. The Urn of Cinder-ella – Talk about return to cinder. On Saturday night the Spice Girls perform and at exactly midnight they all turn into Pumpkin Spice.
5. The Catacombs of Katy Coombs – They’re not Popes. They’re all Katies. Katies named Coombs. And who created these catacombs? – Katydid.
6. Bates Motel Attic of Taxidermied Animals – You’ll feel so unclean after viewing them, you’ll want to take a shower right there. Not a good idea. Park managers strongly advise you shower when you get home.
7. Plot of the Plotters of the Lincoln Assassination – You’ll plotz when you see their dastardly plots
8. Tomb of Dumbo the Elephant – Or is it the Elephant Man? Either way that’s one helluva trunk.
9. Cryogenic Crypt of the Cast of Frozen – Careful, there are some real ice-holes buried here
10. It’s a Really, Really, Really Small World After All – Burial ground for professors of quantum physics
11. It’s a Tall World After All – Burial ground of former Los Angeles Lakers
12. See the Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity – You know his face, but you can’t quite remember his name: It’s that guy from, you know, that show where he’s the father of grown-up Opie   
13. Tomb of the Well Known Vagrant – He accomplished little and amounted to even less, but just like a Cheers customer, everybody knew his name: Boxcar Willie
14. Grave of Peter Graves – Mission Possible. Very popular with boomers. The grave self-destructs every 5 seconds
15. Crypts of the Osmonds’ – We know. They’re all still living, but these are the coffins they plan to be buried in. Marie’s is a little bit country and Donny’s is a little bit Rock-n-Roll. Andy Williams is interred nearby.
16. Main Street Parade – If you thought the choreography in Thriller was stiff, wait till you see the Zombies lurch in this chilling celebration of the afterlife. Sponsored by Caucasian Boogie Co.
17. OB/GYN Land – Hear Nurse Martin sing: ♫Mary had a little lamb and the doctor was surprised♫
18. Crypt of the Transgendered Hermaphrodite – It’s a real Journey. ♫Any way you want it. That’s the way you need it. Any way you want it♫  
19. Buying a Big Box Casket from a Big Box Store – It’s like buying a moo-moo at the Dress Barn. A match made in heaven. Prepare for your post-existing condition today
20. Cadaverous Food Court – Business is dead and so are half the patrons in this light-hearted look at dining with the deceased. All the fast food restaurants are represented: Scary Queen, Dead Lobster, iHopped and of course the regular version of Waffle House.
21. See Bodies Lying in State – This mp3 file shows people lying in different states: Iowa, Tennessee and some are even lying in a state of serenity. And while some are lying in state, others are telling the truth. Not recommended for people that don’t like visual puns.
22. Tomb of the Unknown Narcissist – You really have to watch yourself in this one. Maybe you don’t know who he is, but he sure does. Even when he died he didn’t stray far from his body. Put it this way, when he died he was absolutely beside himself.

CEO Chapek believes the future belongs to the squeamish and that Cruella’s Tomb Town is uniquely positioned to capture this cultural wince factor. With the addition of Cruella’s Tomb Town, we’ll soon discover whether Disney can be both the happiest and ghastliest place on earth.