Author Archive

1. Great Great Great Grandmothers’ Day – Not nearly as popular as Great Great Grandmothers’ Day
2. Amnesia Awareness Day – The day when you bring your amnesiac a bouquet of Forget-me-nots.
3. Indigenous Twinkies Day – Celebrates Native Twinkies that once inhabited grocery store shelves before waves of predatory Twinkies invaded our stores. This day is a time to reflect on the harsh methods employed by the Invasive Twinkies in oppressing the Indigenous Twinkies. It’s all part of the cross-disciplinary field known as Critical Twinkie Theory.
4. Doris Day Day – Sometimes combined with Susan Dey Day and Sandra Day O’Connor Day.
5. Baby Toe Appreciation Day – Why not give the l’il fellow a day of recognition to go wee wee wee all the way home?
6. Siamese Twins Separation Day – Traditionally celebrated with a banana split
7. Nostril Appreciation Day – Without these twin orifices we’d just be a bunch of mouth breathers.
8. Amtrak Appreciation Day – Who doesn’t appreciate train travel…everyone
9. Unrefrigerated Mayonnaise Day – A celebration of the brown-tipped edges of room temperature mayo. Usually sitting out on the counter next to the warm and very spreadable butter.
10. Root Canal Appreciation Day – AKA Masochist Celebration Day
11. Tony Danza Appreciation Day – I’d rather have Tony Danza and not need him, than not have Tony Danza and need him.

And Finally…

       Orgasm Appreciation Day – Isn’t it ironic that this Day only comes once a year?

 

 

Oh, wait, I did think of these. I guess I wasn’t careful what I wished for.

1. Who makes a tornado chaser look smart?

          A volcano chaser.

2. What goes well with a shot of lava?

          A volcano chaser.

3. The Toast Restaurant Admits: “Bread and butter is our bread and butter.”
4. Pet Sleepwear Outlet Admits: “Our cat’s pajamas are the cat’s pajamas.”
5. Magnet Magnate Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
6. Cartoon Character Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
7. Crab Meat Admits: “Butter is drawn to me.”
8. Guy claiming to have a Horse Drawn Carriage Admits: “The carriage was really drawn by my daughter and not our horse.
9. Ticket Taker Admits: A fan into the stadium.
10. Woke Person Admits: “I may be woke, but I’m very groggy.”

11. Pièce de résistance Admits: “I’m just a piece of resistance.”
12. I’m always unnerved when someone yells at me, “Enjoy your stupid life.”

         How did they know?

 

Addendumb

1. My college roommate is the mature one. Unlike me, he eats his bread with the crust on and is able to sleep with the lights off.
2. News from the Highway: Prestressed Concrete Suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Plenty of blame to go around. Mostly it’s your asphalt.
3. Since when did “I know it like the back of my hand” become a standard for certainty. I couldn’t identify the back of my hand if it was a the lineup with other hands. Facial recognition, yes. Back of the hand recognition, not yet.
4. I just realized: I’m left-nostrilled. And I thought I was ambi-nostrilled for the longest time.

1. Bob: I hear that new brothel is having a soft opening this weekend.

         Jim: What else is new?  

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2. Innovative Way to Toilet Train Your Toddler

*Sung to the tune of “Going to the Chapel of Love”

Going to the bathroom and we’re, Gonna make pooo-ooopy.

Going to the bathroom where you’re, Gonna make pooo-ooopy.

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3. Veterinarian Fields a Question:

Dr. Moore, I know what it means when my cat licks my face – that she loves and accepts me. But what does it mean when my dog gives me a blow job?

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4. I see the Adult Book Store is hiring again. I don’t think I want to work there. The sign in the window says “Apply Deep Within.”

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4. A Doctor Without Any Bedside Manner Giving a Patient the Bad News

 *Sung to the tune of Lesley Gore’s “It’s My Party.”

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to,

Cry if I want to, die if I want to

You would cry too if you had Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

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6. Classic Lay’s Potato Chips are a very popular snack with Catholics who refer to Classic Lay’s as Missionary Chips.

Ben:    Where are you and Luke going?

Matt:  To Morro Bay.

Ben:    I didn’t ask when you were going, I asked where you were going.

Matt:  And I told you. To Morro.

Ben:    OK. Well then when are you going?

Matt:  Tomorrow?

Ben:    Yes, when are you going to Morro?

Matt:  I told you. Tomorrow.

Ben:    So you’re going to Morro tomorrow?

Matt:  Yup.

Ben:    OK. Where will you be dining?

Matt:  Oh, we’re going over to the Dockside.

Ben:    I didn’t ask you anything about Star Wars. I was just wondering where you’ll be eating.

Matt:  And I told you. Luke and I are going over to the Dockside near the Big Rock.

Ben:    I give up. May the Force be with you.

Matt:  No. May the 4^th was 2 weeks ago.

 

Cajun/Creole Creations

1. Coca-Nola – A cola drink sold only in New Orleans
2. Beignet – Taste-testers felt beignets were passe and stale. Many commented, “Beignet, done that.”
3. Jumbo Liar – Big, spicy Cajun dish filled with fat fibbers, porcine perjurers and luscious liars, all served-up with a generous portion of shellfish-ness
4. Dumbo – You’ll roux the day you try this Disney version of Gumbo. Disney’s Dumbo soup is the elephant in the roux-m no one wants to talk about – let alone eat.
5. Crayfish, Crawfish, Crawdads – I don’t know where any of them sing, but they do stick in my craw.
6. A-2-Fey – A Hip-Hop version of étouffée. Dish was doomed from the start when Tina Fey refused to endorse A-2-Fey.

 

Domestic Disasters

1. Fig Glutens – Great – if you’re a glutton for gluten
2. From the Makers of Planter’s Peanuts came an unsuccessful spin-off: Planter’s Fasciitis
3. Argue-la – A quarrelsome version of arugula. Made for some very angry salads.
4. Spaghetti É’s – The French version of Spaghetti O’s.
5. Twice-thawed Pizza – The makers of twice-baked potatoes discovered doubly-thawed and refrozen pizza wasn’t twice as nice
6. Flocked Flakes – Post Cereal’s answer to Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. It fared poorly in test markets. People said they were uncomfortable eating anything that had been flocked.
7. Pepperidge Farm Seahorses – Goldfish, yes. Seahorses, neigh.
8. Cannibal Crackers – Animal crackers, yes. Cannibal Crackers, bite your tongue.

 

The Hostess Ho Ho’s Franchise

1. Hostess Ho’s – Illegal in most states. Very expensive to buy. Even more expensive to touch.
2. Hostess Ho, Ho’s – The traditional tasty snack cake. Always popular
3. Hostess Ho, Ho, Ho’s – Santa’s yuletide snack cake. It was like Christmas in your mouth.

 

Gender Identity Foods

1. Bi-Curious Bananas – Very a-peeling. But will they sell? As you’d expect with Bi-Curious Bananas, they could go either way
2. Mom-sicles – Female version of the Pop-sicle
3. Womangoes – Female version of mangoes
4. Non-Binary Gingerbread Men – They no longer identify as cookies and are referred to as Gingerbread Thems

Robert Culp was a guest-murderer on Colombo in 4 different episodes. And even though he was serving 4 consecutive life sentences for those murders, each time he was somehow released only to murder again. For God’s sake man, who was overseeing his probation – his agent?

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When will we learn to lock up and throw away the script on these make-believe TV murderers so they’ll never pretend-murder again. Won’t someone take responsibility for Robert Culp’s crimes and admit, “Mea Culp-a.”

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Robert Culp is not the only actor to kill again and again. I’m looking at you Patrick McGoohan, Sir Anthony Hopkins and Norman Bates. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the actors and actresses whose parts were cut short, snuffed-out if you will, by the deadly scripts of unfeeling screenwriters.

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Fortunately, Robert Culp has passed on to that great casting couch in the sky where he is no longer able to cut short the parts of deserving actors who’ve been written out of scripts all too early because of his murderous handiwork. Instead, Robert Culp is now being driven crazy by deceased Peter Falk’s Columbo character following him around and relentlessly pestering him: “Aah, there’s just one more thing Bob…”

1. Streetcars named Desire
   

   Stella? Is that you?

2. Warning: Streetcars named Desire are usually followed by streetcars named Syphilis, so be careful with that Desire
3. The Hindenburg – Oh the profanity! Riders drop a lot of F-bombs. A word to the wise: It’s highly advisable you get off before the Lakehurst stop.
4. The Mustang Ranch Pleasure Dome Car – Depending on where you sit, it can cost $300 just to go 2 blocks – and that doesn’t include the tip
5. The Enola Gay – Don’t expect the operator to drop any F-bombs. A-bombs are another story.
6. The E Street Coli – Riders say it’s like being in NJ with Springsteen, but with food poisoning
7. A Horse Drawn Streetcar – It’s not an actual streetcar, it’s just a picture of a streetcar drawn by a horse

1. The Extra Virgin Virgin – If Olive Oil Can be Extra Virgin, Why Can’t People Too?
2. I Love Talking on the Phone to My Mother: And Other Lies
3. Moby Richard: The Politically Correct Version of Moby Dick
4. If You Won’t Trust Me with Your Emu, How Can I Trust You with My Ostrich?
5. Madame Ovary…. Flaubert’s masterpiece (Madame Bovary) reimagined against a backdrop of menstruation
6. The Ileum: Homer’s Reworked Epic Poem Takes a Heroic Journey Through His Digestive Tract
7. Seriously, Is There Anybody Out There Who is Not on the Spectrum?
8. Falling in Love with Your Type Face: Fonts I Have Cherished
9. 

   Feeling bookish and bike-ish.

   Hamlet and Eggs: Dr. Seuss Meets Shakespeare

10. A Thrower in the Oats…. The less successful sequel to A Catcher in the Rye
11. Sorry Earthlings, I’m Just Not that Evolved Yet: A Young Soul Apologizes for Being So Unenlightened F*cking Stupid
12. How to Win Friends and Influence Cannibals
13. Pretty, Pretty Good Expectations…. by Larry David not Charles Dickens
14. Tommy Quixote: Don’s Little Brother Tilts at Pinball
15. Can’t Count on Kant: Stories about Immanuel Kant’s Unreliability (May have inspired Better Call Saul)
16. Catch-99 Luftballons… Even Joseph Heller can’t resist Nena’s “catchy” German song
17. The Invisible Man…. I don’t see myself reading it
18. Blades of Leaves…. Whitman’s follow-up to his Leaves of Grass
19. The Miserables…. American version of Les Misérables
20. The Very, Very Good Gatsby.… The lesser-known prequel to The Great Gatsby
21. Sorry, I Thought it was a Drinking Fountain: And Other Bidet Mistakes
22. The Poetry of Vlad the Impaler…. Such a misunderstood tyrant. The newly rehabilitated Impaler displays his rapier-like verse in pointed ways. The sensitive skewer-master evinces a piercing understanding of the human condition. A great read – why not take a stab at it?
23. The Greatest Stories Ever Whispered: Pillow Talk at its Juiciest
24. Someday It’ll be 50 years in the Future: Things I Said 50 Years Ago
25. We’re All Non-Binary. We’re Just Choosing to Be Binary.
26. Lit From the Inside: The Karin Hardiman Story (Best Book Ever – Still Being Written)