Author Archive

1. Through cell regeneration, 99% of my body’s cells are 10 years old or less. But somehow I’m 60. Not happy.

2. Real Vegans don’t vacuum Dust Bunnies

3. If Love is Love, then Gees is Christ

4. Yo-Yo Ma’s Mother’s day Message: Yo Mama, Love, Yo-Yo Ma

5. Feeling sic (sic).

6. Conversation held in total darkness: “We’re gonna be OK. I’ve got a handle on it now.” “No you don’t. And that’s not a handle.”

7. Years after her death a son sent his mother’s ashes back to the crematorium with a cryptic note reading “Return to Cinder.”

8. Montessori Schools have apologized for marketing a discount school called Montesorry

9. Somehow I confused Easter with Passover and celebrated the season by buying little chocolate rabbis. Oy vey.

Most of us are familiar with actor Peter Boyle, either as grandfatherly Frank Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond or as Gene Wilder’s clunkily dancing monster in Young Frankenstein. Prior to his death in 2006, Peter Boyle was always a welcomed presence in films and TV. He was a valued and respected B-list background guy. He was the kind of guy about whom a Hollywood agent might knowingly remark, “Peter Boyle will always make a beautiful dollar in this business.”

 

There are however 2 highly dispensable facts to know about him. And I present these superfluous oddities so I may keep my little corner of the world tidy and in doing so relieve my OCD. One bit of choice minutia deals with John Lennon and the other petty detail is a connect-the-dots cerebral feat of utterly inconsequential coincidences. So fasten your seatbelt everybody. Not for this tame piece, but just in general. I mean it’s a good idea to fasten your seat belt and that’s why I like to place a little Public Service Announcement in all my stories.  

 

John Lennon was the Best Man at Peter Boyle’s wedding. Imagine, John Lennon. Could Peter Boyle somehow be the 5^th Beatle? – Hardly. And if you ever heard him sing Puttin’ on the Ritz in Young Frankenstein you understand he couldn’t even be the 5^th Season for Frankie Valli. But as it was Peter Boyle became friends with John Lennon through his fiancé Loraine Alterman who was a writer for the Rolling Stone. She had befriended Yoko Ono. And when Peter Boyle married Ms. Alterman, he asked John Lennon to be his Best Man. Legend has it that Mr. Boyle also considered Leonid Brezhnev as Best Man, but the Soviet leader decided to remain Back in the USSR. As it was Peter Boyle chose well and the former Beatle won out.

 

OK so far? Good. Now savor that celebrity morsel while we move on to the entrée where I present a wholly unneeded examination of a string of insignificant theatrical coincidences in the career of Peter Boyle. The fact that John Lennon was the Best  Man at his wedding is evidence enough that Peter Boyle was not your average Joe – Joe being the operative word here. It is infinitesimally fascinating to note that in no fewer than four movies/TV shows Peter Boyle starred in, the name “Joe” appeared in the title. See below:

Joe – As a world weary misfit 1970

Crazy Joe – As crazy mobster Joey Gallo 1974

Tail Gunner Joe – As overly zealous commie-fighter Senator Joe McCarthy 1977

Joe Bash – As a jaded NYC cop 1986

 

For the love of Pete that’s a lot of Joe’s. Even for the love of Pete Boyle that’s a lot of Joes. There may be more Joe’s in his career that I’m unaware of. For example I don’t know what they called Dr. Frankenstein’s monster in Young Frankenstein – coulda been Joe Monster. I heard Peter Boyle refused the roll of Joe in Joe vs the Volcano for fear of being typecast.

 

In the short-lived (alright, barely-lived) TV series Joe Bash, the promotional tagline was hardly something to rally around or render it as must-see TV. It read: He steals donuts. He dates a hooker. He’s one of New York’s finest. He’s Joe Bash. Really? Yes, really.

 

Epilogue

Well, what have we learned after reading 135 pages on Peter Boyle and the uncanny recurrence of Joe roles in his career? Fortunately for you, I edited-down the original 135 pages to these 2, must-read pages. Think of it as the Cliff Notes to this story: Peter Boyle, John Lennon and Joe? I think condensing those less to-the-point, 133 pages into just 2 pages makes this piece more essence-y.

 

Highlighting the happenstance of the many Peter Boyle “Joe” roles is how I role. It’s my cup of tea. No, that’s not quite right. It’s actually my cup of Joe.

The universe, which is vast, has taken on new dimensions thanks to unwelcomed discoveries from that meddling Hubble Telescope. Just when I was getting comfortable with my place in the 200 billion galaxy cosmos, the Hubble discovers that it’s 10 times larger than originally thought, thereby making me 10 times smaller – thanks a lot Hubble ass-tronomers. Could you make a guy feel any more insignificant?

 

 

A galaxy is defined as a localized cluster of stars numbering between a few hundred million (10⁸) stars to one hundred trillion (10¹⁴) stars, each orbiting its galaxy’s center. That’s almost as many stars as Adam saw when he first laid eyes on that forbidden fruit known as Eve. Most galaxies are 3,000 to 300,000 LY (light years) in diameter (about the same diameter as Charles Barkley). Galaxies are separated by distances on the order of millions of light years from each other (about the same emotional distance between Atilla the Hun and his estranged son Caitlyn the Hun). And because our immeasurable inky playpen is so crazily proportioned, I began this little essay with the understatement of the epoch: “The universe, which is vast…”

 

A 60-year-old 3^rd Grader Discusses Light

By definition all discussion about light is illuminating. For example, a light photon is sometimes referred to as a wavicle because it possesses properties of both a wave and an icicle, I mean a particle. It travels at 186,000 miles per second – unless it’s in a construction zone, in which case it slows down to posted speed limits in order to avoid the double penalties. But for the life of me I don’t know why the photon would “play nice” and slow down to avoid a ticket – I mean who’s going to catch it? In theory nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, but I once saw a zebra sprinting at 186,001 miles per second. It’s true. Of course, at the time, the zebra was being chased by a lion doing 186,000 mps. Motivation is where you find it.

 

But these alphanumeric hieroglyphs I produce with droll ardency cannot touch the absolute enormity of the cosmos. To get some sense of its outlandish proportions one has to approach it with a measure of humor and unorthodox comparisons. For a down to earth, intergalactic comparison (love the mixed metaphor), our Milky Way has a diameter of at least 100,000LY. It is separated from its nearest galactic neighbor, the Andromeda Galaxy, by 2.5 million LY. To put this in perspective, 2.5 million LY is almost as far as PBS’s Rick Steves traveled in 2010. There’s a lot of vacant acreage out there in space just screaming to be developed. Of course no one hears those silent screams because in space there’s only the sound of silence. That might not be totally correct. I think Einstein, Goddard and Elon Musk have all heard the siren call of the eternal cosmic voice – Giuliani, Weinstein and Heinrich Himmler, not so much. Read the rest of this entry »

1. Law and Order LGBTQ: The show is very complicated. No one can seem to keep it straight.

 

2. NYPD Bleu: New York’s finest fight crime in Paris. As you’d expect, NYPD Bleu is kind of cheesy. NYPD Bleu is recommended for viewers fromage 16 and up.
   

   That world weary look of $550K per episode.

 

3. From the producers of Dragnet comes AquaNet – a police drama made especially for women with unmanageable hair. AquaNet takes a deep dive into the murky waters of criminality. Perpetrators are pulled from the water looking like drowned rats while the lady cops who collared them emerge with perfectly coiffed hair.

 

4. From the producers of Adam-12 comes Eve-13, another law-enforcement show just for women: At first they were just ribbing the makers of Adam-12 to allow for a spin-off, and eventually Eve-13 was created from Adam’s ribbing. Adam-12 & Eve-13 are often shown back to back, although they’re usually found in the Missionary position. Either way it’s awfully sinful.

 

5. Bobbies: A very English cop show where the city of Staffordshire only hires constables named Robert. In this way all the Bobbies are Bobby’s. Where’s a Bobby when you need one? – in the Staffordshire Police Dept.

 

6. From the makers of Reno 9-1-1 comes Reno 4-1-1 – This show blows the lid off the steamy underworld of Directory Assistance Operators…and the men who love them. Some watch it and say, “More information please.” Others watch and say, “Whoa, TMI.”

 

7. The Po-po in NOLA: A New Orleans-based crime drama where the Lou-siana po-po eat po’ boy while policing. Rogue officers are accused of locking-up criminals in Cajuns. This is considered a Creole and Unusual punishment. Many viewers feel like they’ve seen this show before saying, “Beignet, done that.”

 

8. A new take on prison life is called Mechanical Fasteners in the Prison Workshop: This show is riveting – literally.

 

9. Ford Explorer SUV: Not really a cop show. Just an infomercial for the venerable Ford Explorer Sport Utility Vehicle. Many dyslexics mistake the title Law and Order: SVU for Ford Explorer SUV.

 

10. Placebo Police: Actors pretending to be police, fight and defeat criminals but only because the criminals believe the Police are real.

 

11. Who Stole My Stoll?: First World crime problems for wealthy victims. The original title was Who Scarfed My Scarf

 

12. Francis Ford’s Cop-ola: The crime-infested town of Corleone, Italy hires the mafia to run its police dept. In 1 week the crime rate drops to zero. Original title: A-cop-alypse Now!

 

 

A Variety of Apple Varieties

1. Red Delicious – Very American
2. Bloody Delicious – Very English
3. Rome Beauty – Known as the Sophia Loren apple. Curvy and sweet.
4. Johnny Rottenseed – English Punk Apple
5. LGBT Cutie – They say one bite of this forbidden fruit and you’ll never go back. Great apple, but it’s kinda hard to breed.
6. Golden Delicious – An American favorite
7. Brown and Not-so-Delicious – A prison favorite (actually a Golden Delicious that didn’t sell at the supermarket)
8. Fuji – Popularity is skyrocketing
9. Emoji – Popularity is 🚀
10. Pippin – A popular apple and musical. They almost produce the same thing: One generates applesauce, the other applause. Appleplause.
11. Macintosh – 32 bytes in every Apple
12. Gravenstein – Tomb in a tankard, the grave-in-stein apple is an IPA craft fruit
13. Granny Smith – Crisp and tart
14. Mealy Smith – Soft and bland. People with dentures swear by them or at least near them.
15. Vermont Black – A now extinct variety. It seems there are no longer any Blacks left in Vermont.
16. Pink Lady – Flavorful and sweet
17. Pink Ladyboy – Popular in San Francisco. Very Fruity. Also flavorful and sweet.
18. Dark Lady – A favorite of Cher. ♫Dark Lady laughed and danced and lit the candles one by one♫
19. That Ain’t No Lady, That’s My Wife – Henny Youngman helped to develop this apple
20. Fat Man – Atomically delicious. It’s the only apple that has a half-life.
21. Apple Corps – What’s a list without a Beatle reference?
22. Gala – A Gala day keeps the doctor away. A gal a day is plenty for me.

 

Dan: We finally finished counting all the terrestrials on earth and the numbers just don’t add up.

Jill: How’s that?

Dan: Well, there were a few extra.

Jill: Extra-terrestrials?

Dan: Yup.

Jill: So strange to think you’d find extra-terrestrials right here on earth.

Dan: Yeah I know. The idea of extra-terrestrials is so alien to me.

Jill: Me too. Sometimes counting people just doesn’t make census.

1. Most popular machine at health clubs: The time machine. It takes years off your waist.
2. A wage slave living from Pay Day Loan to Pay Day Loan says they have, “Great interest in him.”
3. Prosthesis Magazine article: Amputee Plans Afoot
4. Uncreative designer is said to be “Staid of the Art”
5. Harvard History Department wants to “Have archaic and eat it too”
6. That restaurant is a tough place. The coat check girl’s name is Bruno.
7. Unruly lawn brought to Madame Wong’s Tips & Toes for tidying. It’s now a beautifully manicured lawn.
8. Pamplona, Spain is now sponsoring the Running of the Mascara. It’s so sad.
9. He’s so semantically aware, he’s been cut by sharp cheddar, rapier wits and pointed arguments
10. Fear of driving through a passageway with coworkers is called Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
11. Overheard at a bowlers convention, “Yeah, I’m getting my ball drilled Tuesday.” “Interesting, that’s the same day I’m getting mine buffed.”
12. Have you seen any fascists rolling 5 dice? No. I did not see a Nazi playing Yahtzee.
13. My favorite fetishistic fantasization is polysyllabic alliteration
14. Mature landscaping growing weary of immature landscaping in nearby development: “Gees, it’s out all night and won’t leaf us alone. Especially that Fraxinus. It’s such a pain in the ash. Oh well, life’s a birch.”
15. Lament of the amnesiac whose PC won’t load any more software: “Now I remember. I forgot to buy memory.”
16. I bet my Personal Injury attorney can beat up your Personal Injury attorney

• Until recently he thought Angina was a heart ailment only women suffered from

 

• Until recently he thought a Vulva was a very safe Swedish car.

 

• Until recently he thought a Menstrual Cycle was something schoolgirls rode from period to period

 

• Until recently he thought a Clitoral Hood was a place where very sensitive people hung out

 

• Until recently he thought Labia Minora and Labia Majora were constellations

 

• Until recently he thought the Ozone was a very sensitive spot on a woman. The O-zone.

 

• Until recently he discovered people were actually saying “At your service ma’am.” when all along he thought they were saying “At your cervix ma’am.”

 

• Until recently he thought Hymen was a greeting you might say to a bunch of workmen you’re walking by

 

• Until recently he thought Urethra was the first name of the Queen of Soul. Urethra Franklin

 

• Until recently he thought FallopianTube was a video-sharing service for women

 

• Until recently he thought a Tipped Uterus was a gratuity given to a womb that provided really great cervix. “Thank you for your cervix ma’am.”

 

• Until recently he thought Clitoris was a breath freshening chewing gum. Wrong. It was Clorets. The guy must be suffering from Cloret’s Syndrome.

 

• Until recently he thought Estrogen was a citizen of Estrogenia

 

• Until recently he thought a Hysterectomy was when you removed the laugh track from a sitcom

 

• Until recently he thought an Ovary was that little accent mark atop the letter é. An over é. 

 

I’m not convinced Mr. Hardiman is even trying to clarify these misapprehensions. Sometimes I think he just pays them lip service. Meanwhile, for some reason, he refuses to eat at any Black Angus restaurant.

 

1. Invisible people are so arrogant. They completely ignore me, so I just act like they’re not there.  
2. I always thought angina was a heart ailment only women could get
3. When someone in Vincent van Gogh’s family dies, are they referred to as Van Gone or Van Went
4. Victoria Secret is being sued in a case of the Negligent Negligee whereby Victoria Secret’s lack of proper warning labels on the erotic garment has led to thousands of unplanned pregnancies. Women are suing for redress…so to speak.
5. 

   “Anything new?”
   “Nope. You?”
   “Nope.”

   Since Cincinnati has no synonym for cinnamon, some assume Cinnabon is simply sinful.

6. An antonym for Anthony is Untony. Untony and Cleopatra – because opposites attract.
7. People always talk about round numbers, but 0 is the only round number and it isn’t even a number and it isn’t even round. It’s an ellipse. Lips are an ellipse. A Sideway ellipse. Thounds like I’m lithping.
8. Uncelebrated non-coincidences: Steve Martin and I have birthdays on different dates. Same with me and Jesus. No biggie.
9. You crazy.///No, you crazy.
10. Is a high knap blanket better than a high nap blanket?
11. Enamel paint has made such a difference and yet nobody wants to talk about it
12. You cray cray./// No you color with Crayola crayons
13. What’s the plural of plural – plurals? If you strung them together would you have a plural necklace. I have 2 plural necklaces.
14. I’ve given people plenty of Wedgies. Iceberg Wedge Salads that is. How I ever got them to fit in their ass crack I’ll never know, but that’s half the fun.
15. I’m not sure if I like concepts or just the idea of concepts.
16. Granite countertops have given purpose to so many people and you can’t take that for granite.
17. No really, you nutty, you off the wall son./// OK, I guess that makes me a Walnut. So shell me.
18. Stone fruit rocks./// No, it’s the pits.
19. Leave us readers alone./// No, the ideas…they’re coming from inside my head. I’m not scared, I’m just letting them out
20. And now a moment of silence for Kleenex and all it does for us with nary a complaint. Thank you martyred non-racial facial tissue. I kiss you and spew a slew of goo into your tissue. Quite the issue. Tis me or tis you? Probably tissue.
21. If there was an elephant in the room, everyone, and I mean everyone, would be talking about it.