Author Archive

1. I’ve written something you’ve read.       See, told ya.
2. We’ve both gazed upon the vast cosmos and wondered, “Is the pizza guy ever gonna get here?”
3. We’ve assembled brand new BBQs using just the Spanish instructions. Now the only thing it grills well is Carne Asada.
4. We have overheard show dog breeders say, “Looks like we’ll need to anal bleach the Rottweiler.”
5. We both wonder if instead of giving GEICO 15 minutes to save 15%, we could give them 50 minutes and save 50%
6. We do more with less, but at campfires we do s’mores with s’less
7. We believe there’s a God someplace…probably in the Witness Protection Program
8. We believe Chevy Chase is no longer funny and is probably in the Witless Protection Program
9. Whenever we eat alphabet soup it seems to only contain the letters LGBTQ
10. Growing up we believed that Noble Gases were something emitted by royalty
11. We believe in Global Warming, but not in Global Parming. For example, no one should ever eat Liver Parmesan.
12. We’ve picked our friend’s seat – but only at a baseball stadium
13. By combining song lyrics we’ve both managed to ♫look at clouds in our coffee from both sides now♫
14. We forget the all-encompassing truth about…ummm…y’know…that thing…about love…y’know…c’mon, I know you know it

“How could it be found?” declares Mademoiselle De Lune. “It was never lost.”

I’d heard the quaint whispers: “They found Van Gogh’s ear.” Heard they found an ear – funny stuff. But this improbable discovery was no laughing matter. Rumors were rife and flew around like so much paint onto a Jackson Pollock canvass –  that the fabled ear of perhaps the art world’s most influential Impressionist had been found. These rumors did not demonstrate explicitly that the ear had been found, but created an impression that the ear had been found. Was this just an eerie case of life imitating art?

 

To dispel this absurd rumor required some sly sleuthing. Only then could it be relegated to the clickbait trash heap of e-history. But what if it wasn’t dispel-able. What if this cockamamie tale was true? It would turn the art world on its…oh what’s the word?

 

And that’s where I enter the painting. My name is Dr. Ellison Archibald Jones (of the Canterbury Jones’s) and I’m an untouchably tenured Art History professor at Balliol College at Oxford University in England. My lofty perch in academia allows me to indulge my deepest passion – locating, retrieving and otherwise restoring lost appendages to dis-armed or defaced sculptures.

 

Balliol College had always been very generous in rewarding me with sabbaticals due in large part to my prodigious fundraising skills and my popularity among art patrons. My recently published book Art: The 4^th R, has added to my fame and is now in its 3^rd printing (the first two printings being smudged).

To convey a sense of my expertise and qualifications in spearheading this caper, I’ve provided a brief résumé of my achievements: Read the rest of this entry »

Be it known to all men far and wide. Whether they be newly discharged from the military or just civilians on forever furlough; do not, I repeat, do not keep your hair so short that we can see the whiteness of your scalp. I’m telling you – it’s not a good look. It’s not a high and tight haircut. It’s more like a high and uptight haircut. It makes you look like your head is suffering from drought – like your skull is a chia pet experiment gone very, very wrong.

 

The buzz on buzz cuts ain’t good. Some of you ex-military types look like you’ve been using Crest Teeth-Whitening Strips on your head? Some of you guys look albino from the neck up and the face back. You look like you got your hair cut in a pencil sharpener or they’re prepping your skull for an operation.

 

Those of us who have no choice but to bare our balding pates get a pass on scalp exposure, but for the rest of my hirsute brothers, don’t be hair impaired if you’re follicle-advantaged. Don’t be scalp proud unless there’s no choice. Friends should not be able to see their reflection in your chrome dome.

 

Remember: If you must get a haircut, please trim responsibly or use a DH – a Designated Hairstylist.

 

Sung to the tune of the Moody Blues “Nights in White Satin”

♫Knights in white scalped heads

Never reaching for combs

Toupees with thick threads

Covering our chrome domes 

 

Cuz I’m Mop Topped

Yes I’m Mop Topped

Ooooh Mooop Tooopped♫

1. Honorable Discharge
2. Dishonorable Discharge
3. Spooj (depending on the circumstance, this can be an honorable or dishonorable discharge)
4. Medical Discharge
5. Bullets
6. Loogies
7. #1 & #2
8. Sneezes
9. General Discharge

Twitter’s Interdimensional Cosmos Division has granted DPIs (Deceased Planetary Influencers) the ability to make one brief public statement of 140 characters or less. In facilitating this “beyond the grave” communication, Twitter hoped to assist these eminent souls in clarifying their legacy while selling a Super Bowls’ worth of advertising alongside their extraordinary pronouncements. Then came the cosmic glitch.

 

Owing to unpredictable sunspot flare-ups and a determined Turkmenistanian hacker, all of these precious communications were blocked except for one tenuously fortuitous conduit located directly beneath my Barcalounger. This once in a 10,000 year alignment of oracular vortices below my recliner made me the only human privy to these momentous proclamations. I have taken great care in cataloguing and interpreting these nutritious communications and present them to a truth-starved public, with limited commercial interruption:

 

Jesus Christ – I was the Son of God. I exemplified sacrifice for others. I don’t need 135 denominations worshipping me. One is all you need. And let’s put it this way, there are plenty of Jesus Jrs walking the earth. I may have been beatific and all, but I’m no fool. My message is more than 140 characters. Consider it another of my miracles. Oh, yeah, and stop choosing sides out of anger. Stop exercising your will. Exercise my Dad’s Will. Get it? And don’t you be fooled by your seeming separateness.

Steven Jobs – We’re all just end users.

King Tut – Nice song Steve. BTW I wanted a simple headstone, but the Mortuary Cult of High Priests and the Pyramid-Industrial Complex wouldn’t let me. So peer amid my pyramid, and know that I think it sphinx.

Hitler –  My bad. Do over? Could you hook me up with Sigmund Freud? I’ve got a few psychological issues I’d like to discuss with this brilliant Jew.

Atilla the Hun – He’s still blocked by Twitter

Atilla the Son – I’d like to apologize for my dad. Y’know once you get to know him he’s really a very caring murderer. He killed more discriminatingly than you’d think.

Atilla the Mom – Well, we knew all along he was a special needs husband. We just didn’t know how needy he was.

Sponsored Ad: Get RING® doorbell cameras. See how many arm tattoos the delivery guy has when he drops off your package. We now rejoin extraordinary pronouncements from beyond the grave already in progress

Nikolai Tesla – Shocking. Just shocking what Elon Musk has accomplished. Oh, and Cold Fusion is possible. Neutron variance is the key. You’re welcome.

William Randolph Hearst – Rosebud

Otto von Bismarck – Oh I love Prussia. Prussia, Prussia, Prussia. And medals. And scary helmets with points on them. Schnitzel, Beer und Deutschland. Achtung baby! Germany is finally unified. What could possibly go…

Mother Theresa – I’m just relieving suffering. That’s the game while you’re here. There is nothing else to do. You do it without expectation. It ain’t saintly.

John Lennon – I know. I was complicated and arbitrary. You try being a Beatle and see how much balance is in your life. Loved Paul, George and Ring. Didn’t mean to work out my personal saga in front of y’all, but being a world famous Beatle I had no fookin’ choice.

Abraham Lincoln – Well that was a struggle. Don’t let me down now. Our federal union – it must be preserved.

Elvis Presley – Wait. Lisa-Marie was married to who?      Serious?

Ram Dass – I’ve left the world of form. Or should I say, it once left me. I now recognize my place alongside the Source. And you will too. PS: They have Twinkies here. I say again…we are not Twinkie-less in this dimension.

Jerry Falwell – I must recant, my earlier rant. You say my son did what with his wife?

Neil Armstrong – You get here by taking one small step, but it feels like a giant leap.

Lassie – I’m telling you there really is trouble down there at the abandoned mine. Jesus, it’s like we’re speaking a different language or something.

Marcel Marceau – ☮ ♥

William Shakespeare – I is one freaky Anglo man. Peeps been readin’ my words since forever. Thou doth adore me. With much ado you really do adore me.  

Carl Sagan – Let me provide some perspective. A million seconds is 11 days. A billion seconds is 31 years. A trillion seconds is how long it would take for North Korea to develop some common sense.

Secretariat – Being put out to stud was a good gig. But this. This place is better by several horse lengths. You can grow your fur long and you don’t have to keep your fet-locked.

Edgar Allen Poe – Let them eat crow. I mean raven.

Henry VIII – I was a royal dick. I promoted a religious schism and the separation of, not only church and state, but wives from heads. I’m a self-hating monarch. I vow to change my stripes…just as soon as I get out of this jail. On a side note, that Bill Shakespeare thinks he’s all that. He gets to be called a bard while I’m called a tard.

Muhammad Ali – Still pretty and still ain’t got no quarrel with them Viet Cong. Keep it ‘bout love when ya can. Don’t keep it ‘bout bouts.

Albert Einstein – You can’t quote me. There’s nothing left to quote. I’m travelling so fast that, as I predicted, my mass has become infinite. I’m everywhere. I’ve been folded into Eternity.

Joan of Arc – Vive la belle France!

Mr. Joan of Arc – What she said.

Not Dead Yet (Predicted Comments)

 

Donald Trump – I’m not going anywhere where I have to be accountable.

Hillary Clinton – It’s OK even though I really, really, really, really, really wanted to be President.

1. A triumvirate of university zoologists claim to have discovered a 3-humped camel. The discovery, of course, happened on a Wednesday. How they knew the camel had been humped 3 times is currently under police investigation.
2. Meanwhile Egyptologists are a little suspicious of Pharaoh Ramses II’s exhibit on tour in North America. They’ve discovered a hieroglyph that clearly translates as “Sorry, I left the Clamato Juice in the Oldsmobile.”
3. Love the Undo button in Microsoft Word. Now if only there was one for real life.
4. Actually I’m not “too lazy to organize this list.” I’m just honoring my incarnation. Yeah that’s it. Honoring my incarnation. I do that a lot lately. Especially as an excuse to stuff leftover bits into an eclectic assortment of ideas.
5. Man claims to have never once picked his nose. “It’s true” he said. “Not once. Maybe 1000 times but certainly not once.”
6. The trend of specialty retailing has become ubiquitous (thank you very much Synonym.com). For example Popeye’s is test marketing a new restaurant called Chicken for White People. It features half the spices and none of the fun.
7. In the San Francisco area, Burger King is micro-marketing Burger Queen’s. This extravagantly decorated restaurant sports…oh, never mind what it sports. The point is, the buns are more shapely than ever. And you can get a Whopper with 2 Patties: Patty Longo and Patty Sherman.
8. In the Bay Area, Karl Mender’s Collision Centers are offering 20% off on car repairs to anyone transitioning from one sex to another – it’s called Mender’s Gender Fender Bender discount.
9. The E-I-E-I-O corporation has purchased old restaurants from MacDonald’s and has retro-decorated them into Old MacDonald’s restaurants, for seniors who had a farm. They say it’s a can’t miss farm to table concept. With a couscous here and a couscous there. Here a cous. There a cous. Everywhere a couscous
10. Vascular Profiling? Studies show that minorities are subject to more Cardiac Arrests than whites. Clearly the Stop and Defibrillate policy saves lives, but is it trampling the rights of minority heart attack victims?
11. New Olympic Demonstration Sports
    1. Competitive Eating (followed by)
    2. Competitive Projectile Vomiting
12. Greeks I have known: Diabetes, Erroneous Views, PlayDoh, Soccer Tees, A Wrist Tottle and, of course, Osgood Drury
13. It’s less difficult to graduate from most colleges, than it is to find a parking spot near class
14. PU (Pace University) is on financial life support. A Pacemaker was installed and Pace has been told to make peace with its donors. William Makepeace Thackery is helping with hospice.
15. I sometimes read books cover to cover, and nothing in between. How else am I going to judge it?
16. I’ve wondered where my iPhone was…while it’s been in my hand and I was using it.
17. This Day on Earth: Today approx. 150,000 people will die. Approx. 50,000 people will experience their first orgasm. 99% of them will be men. Men are pigs.

I think I wore it best.

https://www.facebook.com/david.hardiman.7/videos/3847769012017206