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Ray Liotta’s agent is getting him some choice parts these days like the smoking cessation commercial for Chantix.

Chantix Warnings: 
1. Chantix may cause urine to form swear words in the toilet. 
2. If you’re not currently a communist, you will be after taking Chantix. 
3. Chantix is not recommended for aging actors hoping to spawn new careers.
4. After your 4th dosage you’ll realize Minnie Ripperton’s song “Lovin’ You” is about her daughter Maya Rudolph.
5. Whether you take Chantix or not you will Google #4.

Food for thought? Nope, lice for dinner.

No, not Micky, Davy, Peter and Mike. That’s the ♫Hey, hey we’re the Monkees♫ and a 50-year old reference to boot. The monkeys I’m referring to are the macaque monkeys whose habitat includes Snow Monkey Park in the thermal springs resort area of the Japanese Alps where the 1998 Winter Olympics were held. One doesn’t usually associate monkeys with Japan – especially Snow Monkeys luxuriating in hot tubs – but having heard tale of these Asiatic monkeys (a prehensile tail one presumes), my inquisitive nature drew me to their habitat. I guess in some sense I was Curious David.

The Journey to Snow Monkey Park 

“So what if they say I look like Nick Offerman.”

My lovely wife Karin (who I’m very grateful to call a willing cohabitant) and I decided we’d visit Japan. At least partially, because at 6’4”, I wanted to go someplace where I’d feel even taller. This may seem a peculiar criterion to some, but I’ve always enjoyed looming and/or towering and it’s much easier to tower in the Land of the Not Quite Risen People than it is here in the States.

In researching our journey I discovered we’d have to fly to Japan because the land bridge I’d planned on using to walk across the Bering Isthmus had vanished into the sea some 15,000 years ago. I have got to keep up on geologic events – even though many of them move at a glacial pace. Still, how did I miss that? So although this discovery was a setback, at least I now had my Berings Strait. As tour director and planning engine, Karin already knew this, but was wise enough to give me a long enough leash whereby I’d exhaust myself in frivolous research and then happily surrender to her well-planned itinerary. We flew non-stop from KLAX to RJAA (Tokyo) in only 11 hours. But with feedings, movies and pee breaks, it went by like 38 hours. Read the rest of this entry »

What is this a countdown: 20,19,18,17 etc.

As the New Year dawns I feel I must inform my friends of the resolution I’ve made – and no, it’s not the sexual reassignment surgery. The reports of my gender dysphoria have been greatly exaggerated.

No, this New Year I resolve not to be funny anymore. For some, like Dana and Sandy, who never got my humor to begin with, there’ll be no change. For others, who tolerated my humor with an easily maintained stiff upper lip, it will be a welcomed relief. And finally for those whose daily moods rise and fall on the analgesic potency of my so-called humor, well, we’ll always have 2018.

So here’s to promoting an Equilibrious New Year to everyone, everywhere. Let us carry on smartly, stoically and soberly.

Perhaps next year when it’s 2020 we’ll have a clearer vision of things. 

Anniversary Gifts for the 21^st Century

In response to Hallmark’s more traditional anniversary gifts, Sir Reginald Drumthwacket, the eccentric trendsetter of the normally hidebound Harrods’s department store in England, presents a decidedly peculiar alternative.

Sir Reginald Drumthwacket’s Most Judicious Guide to Proper Wedding Anniversary Gifts for inter-spousal commemoration of their marriage date. Ordered by Years:

1. Monogrammed His & Hers Catheters – Who wants to get out of bed every night to answer the call? Am I right? Nighttime collection can be purified while you sleep, and ready for recycling the next morning. Available only at Harrods.
2. Cancellation of Netflix Subscription – Now you’ll have the time to do something together besides watch TV (and the other thing).
3. Ancestry.com’s “Please Tell Me I’m Not Related to Hitler” family tree research kit.
4. An autographed copy of the book: Ventriloquism for Dummies. It’s autographed by the ghost writer of course.
5. 23andMe’s What Will I Die From? DNA Testing Kit – Give the gift that helps you determine which of you should buy more life insurance.
6. Single Use Paper Towel Shower Curtain – People think they’re stupid until they try one, which then removes all doubt.
7. Soothing Talcum Powder – Helps prevent the 7 year itch
8. 23andMe’s Could I Be Black? DNA Testing Kit for white people – Admit it. You know you wonder. 
9. Stilts – Don’t be caught short. They can elevate your marriage to a whole new level. Great fun when watching the movie Walking Tall.
10. 23andMe’s How White Am I? DNA Testing Kit for people of color – Admit it. You know you wonder. 
11. Crystal Blue Persuasion – Great gift. We’re told It’s a new vibration.
12. Brownish Stains on Fresh Linens – You’d be surprised just how popular these blemishes of questionable origin are becoming. Not a gag gift, although you may gag upon opening it. Choose from ochres, umbers and burnt siennas. Half the fun is using the post-shower curtain paper towel from your 6^th anniversary to clean the stains.
13. T-shirt Proclaiming: I’m Not Up to Speed on Anything.
14. Video of Annette Funicello singing “Monkey’s Uncle.” Annette Beach Boys Monkeys Uncle – Enjoy America’s early 60’s sweetheart as she sings and dances with the Beach Boys’ Mike Love. Thrill to witness Mike Love’s reluctant kind of dancing that make plodding zombies look like Mikhail Baryshnikov.
15. Tungsten – Not something you’d usually associate with matrimonial bliss, but metals in solid form are the new gold. Which, now that I think of it, is also a metal in solid form. OK just skip 13 altogether and go straight to 14, in kind of a Marital Leap Year. 13 is unlucky anyway.
16. An Annealing Oven – Why stand over a hot stove when you can be a kneeling?
17. Cellulite – Just like a diamond, cellulite is forever. Again, not something you’d normally associate with matrimonial bliss, but fat in solid form is the new lipid, which, now that I think of it, is also a fat in solid form. The point is, it’s better to receive cellulite from a loved one than from the tiramisu at the Cheesecake Factory.
18. Daylight Savings Time Piggy Bank – Save your sunshine for a rainy day.
19. Egg Beater T-shirts saying: I Was Scrambled at the Factory. Note: Wife Beater T-shirt no longer available.
20. An Empty Tin of Evaporated Milk – Well, what else would you expect? It’s evaporated.

    21. thru Infinity. Love – Remember, All You Need is Love

Forget about Snakes on a Plane. Cats on a plane is where it’s at.

Air travel can be fraught with lengthy TSA lines, final boarding calls and piddling little snacks even the Donner party would refuse. And that’s why after a whole minute of careful consideration, I propose the FAA reduce stress levels to the flying public by mandating that at least one highly trained service cat be placed aboard all domestic flights of over 2 hours. These soothing service kitties will go a long way toward tranquilizing a fuselage full of jittery passengers. I mean who among us would not be comforted to board a plane full of calming cats and watch the fur fly?

If boutique bookstores can have cats lolling languidly about the hardcovers, reminding us of our tranquil nature, why shouldn’t 737s have cats on seat backs and tray tables reminding us that maybe humans were meant to fly after all? What better way to soothe a fuselage full of fidgety fliers than to have a serene service cat entertain and relax them just by their presence. Each cat would be fully trained and tailored to their mission. For example, on overseas flights to Asia the airlines would employ Siamese Cats. In flights to Transylvania, Air Romania would use Scaredy Cats and in flying to San Francisco they’d use cats suffering from gender dysphoria. You get the idea. Heck, in Egypt, whose culture lionizes cats already, Egypt Air has actually qualified cats to fly in the 2 seat. And while lionizing cats may seem redundant, it’s more sensible than hero worshiping at a deli.  

Much like service dogs, these specially trained cats would be very companionable and instead of wearing vests that read “Service Dog, Do Not Pet”, they’d wear vests saying, “Service Cat, Do Not Lick.” That is, except when they’re in Ireland flying on Aer Lingus. On Aer Lingus using your tongue is not only acceptable, but is actually encouraged. As you can probably sense, the rollout of this “Flying Tigers” program will be problematic – littered with litter and filled with fur balls. 

Not just any cat would be allowed to join this litter box version of the mile-high club. Qualified fuselage felines would be composed, mature cats who’d pitter-patter down the aisle with their tails high and their dander low. Vetting these little flying tigers would be rigorous. But who would do the vetting? Why veterinarians of course. But not just any veterinarians. Retired military veterinarians. In other words, veteran veterinarians would vet. Read the rest of this entry »

At least 25 senior citizens were believed to have been shot this morning at a downtown Reno Walgreens Pharmacy. What we know so far is that they were all shot in the same appendage at close range and that miraculously every one of them has survived. Well no group has yet taken credit for the assault, no one is really disowning it either. This shooting seems to have been months in the planning. At a slowly arranged press conference, a Walgreens spokesman reminded everyone that each of these senior citizen voluntarily signed-up for their shot, just as they do every year during flu season: “We always shoot the old people first because they’re the most vulnerable population. Maybe ‘inoculate’ would be a better word to use than ‘shoot.’ ”  

As reports of the immunization circulated President Trump tweeted: “Had I known these senior citizens were in danger I would’ve stepped in and taken their shots for them.” The NRA had no comment on the latest in mass shootings except to say: “If hypodermic needles are outlawed, only outlaws will have hypodermic needles.”

Even in the wake of this mass shooting, Big Pharma is planning more nationwide shootings in order to protect the public from God-given pathogens. And the public seems willing to go along with anything that will shield them from the ravages of Cold & Flu season. A Big Pharma spokes-enabler said: “We firmly believe in shooting citizens for their own good. And that it’s vital to adhere to that portion of the 2^nd Amendment facilitating these shots – The right to bare arms.”

As usual, our thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who were shot.

A fresh, young face in the exciting field of Truancy Enforcement. Don’t be late. Start your career today. But seriously, be on time. It’s one of the requirements. 

Hello everyone, my name is Osgood Stickler, and in case you haven’t guessed by now, I’m a stickler. My father was a stickler and his father was a Stickler. He’d better be. He was born Johann Stickler in Bavaria. Well, in Munich actually. In fact he was born in a second floor back bedroom on 1352 Manheim Strasse in Munich at a latitude of 48° 8′ 13.7544” N and a longitude of 11° 34′ 34.0464” E. See, I really am a stickler. So is it any wonder I’d gravitate toward the not-quite-a-policeman field of a Truancy Enforcement – a profession to which my persnickety nature and exacting expectations are well-suited? Some might argue that if my last name was Vlasic I’d gravitate to a job in the field of cucumbers. But it’s not. So I’m a Stickler, not a pickler. 

Now there’s a vast difference between a stickler and a person who suffers from OCD. I’m the normal one. I don’t nitpick. Oh sure I might enjoy coloring inside the lines more than your average bear, but then again, what do we really know about average bears, let alone how they might color something. It has always been my tenet that if you do your duty and keep your nose clean, you’ll succeed. And it’s not just the nose. It’s other body parts too. But I think it’s important to start with the nose…and maybe include the ears. Basically you should keep clean any uncovered body part another person can see. The hidden parts, not so much – unless they start to smell worse than your average bear, but then again, what do we really know about the smell of average bears?  

My interest in enforcing truancy laws began in the early 80’s when Dr. Stephen Hawking’s less cosmic brother Ralph, published his groundbreaking book A Brief History of Truancy. Alright, it was groundbreaking to me at least. In this special interest book Ralph Hawking deconstructs the salient epochs of truancy and brilliantly relates the enforcement of attendance requirements to the universe as a whole. In this masterly tome, Ralph Hawking traces a general history of absenteeism, enforced attendance and just plain being AWOL. It’s broken down by distinct Truancy eras:

1. Truancy in Later Hominids: 40,000 BC-10,000 BC
2. Truancy Before the Beatles: 10,000 BC-1963
3. The Beatles: 1964-1970
4. Truancy, Truancy, Truancy: Truancy in the time of Marcia Brady: 1971-1974
5. Truancy in the time of Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors: 1975-present

Read the rest of this entry »

Philadelphia airport’s people mover voted Most Moving Sidewalk. Even the most stoic business people succumb to its poignancy.

A horizontal people conveyor at Philadelphia’s International Airport was voted Most Moving Sidewalk by the APA (Airline Passengers Association). This particular moving sidewalk is located in the lower concourse and has surprised many unwary riders by providing more than just a perfunctory ride from Terminal 3 to Terminal 4. Many unsuspecting passengers have boarded the moving sidewalk at one end composed and collected, only to find themselves a bawling heap of inconsolable emotion at the other end. Make no mistake about it: this is a very moving sidewalk. Airport surveillance video of this moving sidewalk shows that at about the 20 foot mark most people start to sniffle; by 60 feet they’re visibly weeping and by the time they arrive at the end of the line they’re clutching the handrail and crying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy.”

Many theories have been advanced as to why this sidewalk is so moving (besides the motor, of course). Some say it’s Philadelphia’s history of “brotherly love” that imbues the track with an overwhelming feeling of human fellowship. Others say it’s residual “Spirit of ’76” energy, whereby the sidewalk seems to be built over a whirlpool of patriotic fervor. Still others believe there’s some kind of emotional vortex permeating the interconnected treads. Even Dr. Phil was stumped when he was brought in to survey the situation, saying, “It is truly an ironic twist, that this flat, slow-speed sidewalk somehow offers a roller coaster of emotions – go figure.”   

Whether it’s called “assistive transportation for the be-luggaged traveler” or a “lateral respite for lazy-ass bipeds”, this moving sidewalk transports you in more ways than one. Sensitive fliers find its treads unaccountably poignant. “They’re not just horizontal people movers,” said a choked-up Jessica Caffrey after de-sidewalking on her way to Spokane, “They’re a human conveyor belt to profound emotion. Again, I can’t say it enough – this isn’t just a moving sidewalk – it’s a moving sidewalk. Right about the 60 foot mark you come to understand just how fleeting life’s journey is. And when I’m riding it I can sense the poignancy of the moving sidewalk as a metaphor for life’s all too short journey. Some say one can get a similar feeling on a certain Planet Fitness treadmill in Austin, TX. And I tried it, but it’s just not the same – all I did was get a little misty at the 20 minute mark doing 3.5 mph at a 2° incline. I mean it was a moving treadmill. It just didn’t find it that moving.”

The APA voted overwhelmingly for this sidewalk. A moving sidewalk at the San Antonio airport finished second, but all it did was to cause people to remember the Alamo. The Philadelphia sidewalk on the other hand caused passengers to be swept up in an epic emotional drama. So much so that this Philadelphia Airport moving sidewalk is staffed with a warning sign at its entrance and grief counselors at its exit. The warning sign reads: If you’re carrying a lot of baggage (emotional or otherwise) please avoid this conveyance. The Dr. Phil trained grief counselors at the egress point offer tea & sympathy.

So while this moving sidewalk continues to baffle experts with its emotionally moving experience, reports have begun to circulate that some of Philadelphia Airport’s toilet seats are also providing moving experiences; which is good news for the constipated who are now flocking to these restrooms on the lower concourse near Terminal 4 to find relief. After the catharsis of the moving sidewalk to Terminal 4 and a stint in the purgative bathroom they emerge a reborn passenger without any baggage at all, except their carry on.

Many are familiar with the term niche marketing where a company develops a product to more profitably entice an underserved segment of the market to emerge. Sometimes in attempting to serve a small demographic, marketers overreach (think Glade Coffin Fresheners) and sometimes they’re spot on (think Fidget Spinners). Consumers have been trained to appreciate products specifically tailored to their unique requirements. Tailoring products to individual needs makes them more desirable, but it also makes them more expensive and forces consumers to endure a bewildering avalanche of choices.

I mean could Levi Jeans possibly introduce any more “cuts” or “styles” to its lineup? I’m just trying to find a pair that fits, not one that I can pass down as a family heirloom. The dizzying barrage of never ending permutations on a theme is out of hand. For example, the National Beverage Council now estimates there are more specialty drinks on the market than there are people to drink them.

But in a continuous effort to placate consumer demand, create markets and generate profits, numerous products of dubious utility have come and gone. Some of these product introductions have a shelf life faster than a left Tinder swipe. While some new products emerge and are worthy of shelf space, most others are relegated to discount bins at The Dollar Store: which is where I recently purchased 12 rolls of pumpkin spice-scented toilet paper (leaves your ass cheeks jack-o-lantern fresh). So through the Freedom of Information Act (it’s not really free – it’s just an Act) and a Red Bull-fueled imagination, I’ve obtained a partial list of these disastrous product launches. This list demonstrates just how arcane and foolhardy some of these marketing schemes have become. And if you don’t understand my premise by now, there’s no hope for this piece.

New Product Marketing Blunders

1. Arm and Hammer’s Clumping Litter for Humans – Designed for people who want to potty like it’s 1999…BC. The litter sold well, but you just couldn’t train humans to use the damn box. Arm & Hammer should have stuck to baking soda.
2. Seagram’s Complimentary Cocktails – Seagram’s rightfully claimed that these “talking drinks” were the only complimentary cocktails that actually gave compliments. Years in development, these ingratiating cocktails curried favor with the drinker by uttering such complimentary lines as, “You look marvelous” and “I think she likes you.” Despite their agreeable disposition they were viewed as too toadying and were of no help at sobriety check points with such comments to law enforcement as, “Good evening officer. Why you aren’t out on disability like the rest of them?”
3. Habañero Visine – Latinos weren’t buying it and for good reason. Not only did it not “get the Red out”, it actually “put the Red in.” Major error.
4. Liquid Soot – From the makers of Liquid Smoke, this flavor enhancer was concocted for people who like their food splashed with the grimy tang of creosote. Originally marketed as Sootracha Sauce, this chimney-derived additive found limited popularity with a narrow demographic of Cockney chimney sweeps where it maintains a cult following to this day.
5. Good and Enough – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box of Good and Plenty candy with a few pieces taken out.
6. Senior Mints – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box Junior Mints well past its expiration date.
7. Cadaver Mints – This product failed once consumers realized it was just a box Senior Mints well past its expiration date.
8. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Sphincters – Tubular animal parts for the holier than thou. Made exclusively from the leftovers of the leftovers the dog food companies had already taken. Consumers didn’t take well to their slogan: We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel so you don’t have to.
9. Ghoulish Goulash – Sold only at specialty Halloween stores. Once opened it can also be used as a substituted for “gag vomit.”
10. Morton’s Epsom Salts – Claimed to season your food on the outside while simultaneously soothing sore muscles from the inside. It did the trick alright, but it tasted like pumice.
11. Non-Sequitur Peanut Butter – Just like regular peanut butter, but sold only in the Tool Corral at Home Depot. Turns out Milwaukee Sawzalls and ground legumes don’t mix.
12. Smuckers KY Jelly – Marketed as a “multi-use Jelly” it never captured the public’s imagination. It seems people didn’t care much for Kiwi-Yam Jelly spread on their bread or on their private parts.
13. Skippy Extra Chunky Granite Peanut Butter – For legume connoisseurs who like the crunch of real granite chunks in their peanut butter more than they value the teeth in their head. Marketed as a nutritionally complete peanut butter (one tablespoon provided a lifetime supply of all the minerals known to exist), the product was doomed from the start when the American Dental Association rated it ZM (Zero Molars).
14. New New Coke – Worth a 2^nd try; or so thought Coca-Cola. This New Coke redux made the unfortunate choice of using incarcerated Bill Cosby to once again act as pitchman – big mistake. He kept trying to doctor the drink.
15. Ostomy Friendly Hotels – Really? Venture Capitalists thought they had this one in the bag and showed great intestinal fortitude in funding a hotel for traveling ostomites, who themselves display little intestinal aptitude. Ironically the VCs ended up flushing a bundle of money down the toilet. Market research later showed this demographic was intestinally infinitesimal.
16. Coppertone’s 0 SPF Sunscreen for Epidermal Risk Takers – What’s not to like here? – Everything. With an SPF of 0, this was a sunscreen in name only. Coppertone wasn’t even throwing shade at the problem of sunburn.
17. Gibson 24-string Guitars – Scientific marketers postulated that if a regular 6-string guitar was universally popular, then a 24-string guitar would prove to be at least 4 times more popular – right? Wrong. This String Theory proved unworkable.
18. Downy Fabric Softener with Bluing for extra-Whiteness – Hmmm, Bluing for extra-Whiteness may sound like a contradiction in terms, but this scheme actually worked (the bluing counteracts the natural yellowing process in white clothing).
19. Breath Mints for Ventriloquists – A failed high concept breath freshener that one takes in order to freshen the breath of the person next to you. For example, it doesn’t freshen your breath, but, if thrown properly, it will freshen the stale breath of anyone who happens to be sitting on your knee. And Breath Mints for Ventriloquists cuts across levels of intelligence – it didn’t matter whether the person with bad breath was smart or just a dummy. Skilled and stealthy throwers of good breath can accomplish this feat while barely moving their lips – the throwee doesn’t even know what hit them. Despite its effectiveness, consumers shunned the product calling it, in the words of Einstein, “spooky action at a distance.”
20. Smith & Wesson’s Wound Salt – A wound-worsening rub that adds just a little more sting to the enemy when you’re “rubbing it in.” Consumers rejected this exacerbating cream saying it just seemed to add “insult to injury.”
21. Britta Portable Personal Hydration System – Too much of a good thing. While formerly parched consumers appreciated being fully hydrated 24/7, they complained the so-called “handy IV gurney” was unworkable while driving and its lines were always getting tangled up with the catheter bag: which was necessary to process the 5½ gallons of water the IV dripped into your system every day.
22. 3M’s 80-Grit Toilet Paper – Maybe it served its purpose for the first wipe, but after that it just irritated people.
23. SONY No Screen TVs – All the sound, tuning and clarity of a regular TV, but without the visual screen. Buyers were bewildered, “So did I just buy a radio?”
24. Clairol Same Shade Hair Color – None of the contrast with none of the highlights. Consumers found this dye, not to die for.
25. Sarasota Avionics Blackout Windshield Cover – This road blocking screen gave wannabe pilots the opportunity to drive under the canopy just like a real airline pilot encountering IFR conditions. However, even with the periscope option, this visually limiting driving aid generated excessive litigation and was pulled from the market.