Author Archive

1. The USS Air Guitar – A USO ship where servicemen can practice their air-guitar playing skills far from the prying eyes of civilian landlubbers. All types of invisible air-instruments: air-tubas, air-triangles, air-kazoos, air drumsticks (chicken and the invisible wooden kind). Kindly note: Playing of the Skin Flute is prohibited.
2. The Chantix – Captained by Ray Liotta, this Big Pharma “Safe-Boat” is a place where smokers can go when suffering from the brutal side effects of Chantix. Whether you want to harm yourself or others, The Chantix is a free-floating safe haven for nicotine-deprived desperados. And all in a secure and welcoming environment free from the unforgiving sharpness of metal eating utensils.
3. 

   Why is the “ch” silent in yacht? Very confusingch. 

   The Conversion Therapy – Sail away a Christian and return a Jew. This is just one example of the transformative power of this specialty ship. It works on all types of individuals who want to change their affiliations. Note: Does not work on Gay men. In fact it tends to reinforce the orientation what with all those guys crammed into close quarters on a steamy ship with too few bunks and too many disco balls.

4. The Leakey Lucy – This is the aging yacht of the famous family of anthropologists – the Leakey’s. Friends are reluctant to sail on her because they say, “It’s a Leakey boat.” The Leakey family calls these frightened little hominids nothing more than “Neanderthals.” Dr. Richard Leakey has examined the ship from stem to stern and says (not surprisingly), “Even though she’s showing some age, she has really good bones.”
5. The STD – Flagship for the CDC (Center for Disease Control). This floating Petri Dish is usually under quarantine, however, the STD and her sister ship the Gonorrhea, are still popular with risk-taking bareback sailors. A word of advice: Stay topside and avoid plunging into the murky world “below decks.”
6. HMS Regicide – A killer of a ship. Not very popular with the royal family. Princes check in, but they don’t check out.
7. Holy Ship✝ – Thee choice of seafaring Popes and retired Popes too! The Vatican knows it would be easier for Popes to simply part the seas and walk to their destination, but that would be too Holy-wood.
8. Holey Ship – Swiss-flagged ship used in transporting their cheese.
9. Wholey Foods Ship – Jeff Bezos, pleasure craft/hobby horse. The view is free, but the food is g-astronomical.
10. HMS Foreskin – Under no circumcision should men of an uncut disposition board this ship.
11. The Lady Marmalade – Party boat for booze cruising
12. The Lady Marmalade Light – For those boats, who on the advice of a certified Shipwright, are on a sucrose-restricted diet
13. USS Bilge – A service convoy ship. Sailors stay pumped-up while listening to Mary J Blige. Not being glib, but Bilge’s blaring of Blige, obliges all to stay motivated.
14. Listing Heavily – What else? The corporate yacht of Craigslist.
15. The Bloody Vessel – A Red Cross Hospital Ship, true to its name. Transfusions galore – most of them voluntary.
16. The Capsized Challenge – The upside down brainchild of the Escape Room people, this inverted floating tomb is straight outta the Poseidon Adventure. You mission is to restore her to right side up in less than an hour or join Davy Jones in his locker. ♫There’s got to be a morning after♫
17. The Metastatic – Owned by the American Medical Association. The ship grows on you very quickly, although everyone is in complete denial about it.
18. “My Other Ship is a Cadillac” – A simple fishing trawler. For those who aspire to greater vehicles
19. The #metoo – She’s a beautiful and worthy ship. Advised you don’t touch anything on board without permission.
20. Frigate, I’m Angry – An ideal vessel for offloading your unmitigated hostility into international waters where it belongs
21. The Yellow Submarine – Very popular with cartoon characters and piloted by Captain Crunch.
22. The Border Wall Avoider – An unregistered speed boat. The crew of 2 is capable of cramming 15 “passengers” into the “cargo hold” designed for a set of golf clubs. Ideal for one way trips.
23. Can-do Canoe – The size of a Swiss Army knife, this multi-function Can-do Canoe can open beer bottles, clean teeth and shock telemarketers from a distance. Must have a gung-ho, fired-up, can-do attitude to operate.
24. Crawling Trawler – Powered by snails, this slow moving Trawler travels at (you guessed it) a snail’s pace. We don’t know why, but the company literature warns: “Do not get it wet.”

 Types of Legislatures by Locale

1. Washington DC – Bicameral Legislature: 2 Legislative Bodies. The House of Representatives and the Senate
2. Nebraska – Unicameral: One Legislative Body
3. Hershey, PA – Chocolate Caramel: Caramel Center enclosed in a House of Chocolate
4. Egypt – Bactrian Camel: Single Hump Legislature operates only on Wednesday (Hump Day)
5. Saudi Arabia – Dromedary Camel: Two Hump Legislature. Elected officials will walk a mile for them.
6. Old Soviet Union – Polit Bureau: The Bureau where apparatchiks gathered to use their rubber stamp
7. Russia – Put In Bureau: I’m sorry, it’s Putin Bureau. Where elected officials put in what Putin says.
8. Japan – The Japanese Diet: I’m not kidding. It’s actually called the Diet. And when Japan needs to rein in spending it’s called the Austerity Diet.
9. Germany – The Bundestag: Again, actual name. The Bundestag. German is such a beautiful language.
10. Iceland – The Frigidaire: Alright so I made that one up. So sue me.

Ray Liotta’s agent is getting him some choice parts these days like the smoking cessation commercial for Chantix.

Chantix Warnings: 
1. Chantix may cause urine to form swear words in the toilet. 
2. If you’re not currently a communist, you will be after taking Chantix. 
3. Chantix is not recommended for aging actors hoping to spawn new careers.
4. After your 4th dosage you’ll realize Minnie Ripperton’s song “Lovin’ You” is about her daughter Maya Rudolph.
5. Whether you take Chantix or not you will Google #4.

Food for thought? Nope, lice for dinner.

No, not Micky, Davy, Peter and Mike. That’s the ♫Hey, hey we’re the Monkees♫ and a 50-year old reference to boot. The monkeys I’m referring to are the macaque monkeys whose habitat includes Snow Monkey Park in the thermal springs resort area of the Japanese Alps where the 1998 Winter Olympics were held. One doesn’t usually associate monkeys with Japan – especially Snow Monkeys luxuriating in hot tubs – but having heard tale of these Asiatic monkeys (a prehensile tail one presumes), my inquisitive nature drew me to their habitat. I guess in some sense I was Curious David.

The Journey to Snow Monkey Park 

“So what if they say I look like Nick Offerman.”

My lovely wife Karin (who I’m very grateful to call a willing cohabitant) and I decided we’d visit Japan. At least partially, because at 6’4”, I wanted to go someplace where I’d feel even taller. This may seem a peculiar criterion to some, but I’ve always enjoyed looming and/or towering and it’s much easier to tower in the Land of the Not Quite Risen People than it is here in the States.

In researching our journey I discovered we’d have to fly to Japan because the land bridge I’d planned on using to walk across the Bering Isthmus had vanished into the sea some 15,000 years ago. I have got to keep up on geologic events – even though many of them move at a glacial pace. Still, how did I miss that? So although this discovery was a setback, at least I now had my Berings Strait. As tour director and planning engine, Karin already knew this, but was wise enough to give me a long enough leash whereby I’d exhaust myself in frivolous research and then happily surrender to her well-planned itinerary. We flew non-stop from KLAX to RJAA (Tokyo) in only 11 hours. But with feedings, movies and pee breaks, it went by like 38 hours. Read the rest of this entry »

What is this a countdown: 20,19,18,17 etc.

As the New Year dawns I feel I must inform my friends of the resolution I’ve made – and no, it’s not the sexual reassignment surgery. The reports of my gender dysphoria have been greatly exaggerated.

No, this New Year I resolve not to be funny anymore. For some, like Dana and Sandy, who never got my humor to begin with, there’ll be no change. For others, who tolerated my humor with an easily maintained stiff upper lip, it will be a welcomed relief. And finally for those whose daily moods rise and fall on the analgesic potency of my so-called humor, well, we’ll always have 2018.

So here’s to promoting an Equilibrious New Year to everyone, everywhere. Let us carry on smartly, stoically and soberly.

Perhaps next year when it’s 2020 we’ll have a clearer vision of things. 

Anniversary Gifts for the 21^st Century

In response to Hallmark’s more traditional anniversary gifts, Sir Reginald Drumthwacket, the eccentric trendsetter of the normally hidebound Harrods’s department store in England, presents a decidedly peculiar alternative.

Sir Reginald Drumthwacket’s Most Judicious Guide to Proper Wedding Anniversary Gifts for inter-spousal commemoration of their marriage date. Ordered by Years:

1. Monogrammed His & Hers Catheters – Who wants to get out of bed every night to answer the call? Am I right? Nighttime collection can be purified while you sleep, and ready for recycling the next morning. Available only at Harrods.
2. Cancellation of Netflix Subscription – Now you’ll have the time to do something together besides watch TV (and the other thing).
3. Ancestry.com’s “Please Tell Me I’m Not Related to Hitler” family tree research kit.
4. An autographed copy of the book: Ventriloquism for Dummies. It’s autographed by the ghost writer of course.
5. 23andMe’s What Will I Die From? DNA Testing Kit – Give the gift that helps you determine which of you should buy more life insurance.
6. Single Use Paper Towel Shower Curtain – People think they’re stupid until they try one, which then removes all doubt.
7. Soothing Talcum Powder – Helps prevent the 7 year itch
8. 23andMe’s Could I Be Black? DNA Testing Kit for white people – Admit it. You know you wonder. 
9. Stilts – Don’t be caught short. They can elevate your marriage to a whole new level. Great fun when watching the movie Walking Tall.
10. 23andMe’s How White Am I? DNA Testing Kit for people of color – Admit it. You know you wonder. 
11. Crystal Blue Persuasion – Great gift. We’re told It’s a new vibration.
12. Brownish Stains on Fresh Linens – You’d be surprised just how popular these blemishes of questionable origin are becoming. Not a gag gift, although you may gag upon opening it. Choose from ochres, umbers and burnt siennas. Half the fun is using the post-shower curtain paper towel from your 6^th anniversary to clean the stains.
13. T-shirt Proclaiming: I’m Not Up to Speed on Anything.
14. Video of Annette Funicello singing “Monkey’s Uncle.” Annette Beach Boys Monkeys Uncle – Enjoy America’s early 60’s sweetheart as she sings and dances with the Beach Boys’ Mike Love. Thrill to witness Mike Love’s reluctant kind of dancing that make plodding zombies look like Mikhail Baryshnikov.
15. Tungsten – Not something you’d usually associate with matrimonial bliss, but metals in solid form are the new gold. Which, now that I think of it, is also a metal in solid form. OK just skip 13 altogether and go straight to 14, in kind of a Marital Leap Year. 13 is unlucky anyway.
16. An Annealing Oven – Why stand over a hot stove when you can be a kneeling?
17. Cellulite – Just like a diamond, cellulite is forever. Again, not something you’d normally associate with matrimonial bliss, but fat in solid form is the new lipid, which, now that I think of it, is also a fat in solid form. The point is, it’s better to receive cellulite from a loved one than from the tiramisu at the Cheesecake Factory.
18. Daylight Savings Time Piggy Bank – Save your sunshine for a rainy day.
19. Egg Beater T-shirts saying: I Was Scrambled at the Factory. Note: Wife Beater T-shirt no longer available.
20. An Empty Tin of Evaporated Milk – Well, what else would you expect? It’s evaporated.

    21. thru Infinity. Love – Remember, All You Need is Love

Forget about Snakes on a Plane. Cats on a plane is where it’s at.

Air travel can be fraught with lengthy TSA lines, final boarding calls and piddling little snacks even the Donner party would refuse. And that’s why after a whole minute of careful consideration, I propose the FAA reduce stress levels to the flying public by mandating that at least one highly trained service cat be placed aboard all domestic flights of over 2 hours. These soothing service kitties will go a long way toward tranquilizing a fuselage full of jittery passengers. I mean who among us would not be comforted to board a plane full of calming cats and watch the fur fly?

If boutique bookstores can have cats lolling languidly about the hardcovers, reminding us of our tranquil nature, why shouldn’t 737s have cats on seat backs and tray tables reminding us that maybe humans were meant to fly after all? What better way to soothe a fuselage full of fidgety fliers than to have a serene service cat entertain and relax them just by their presence. Each cat would be fully trained and tailored to their mission. For example, on overseas flights to Asia the airlines would employ Siamese Cats. In flights to Transylvania, Air Romania would use Scaredy Cats and in flying to San Francisco they’d use cats suffering from gender dysphoria. You get the idea. Heck, in Egypt, whose culture lionizes cats already, Egypt Air has actually qualified cats to fly in the 2 seat. And while lionizing cats may seem redundant, it’s more sensible than hero worshiping at a deli.  

Much like service dogs, these specially trained cats would be very companionable and instead of wearing vests that read “Service Dog, Do Not Pet”, they’d wear vests saying, “Service Cat, Do Not Lick.” That is, except when they’re in Ireland flying on Aer Lingus. On Aer Lingus using your tongue is not only acceptable, but is actually encouraged. As you can probably sense, the rollout of this “Flying Tigers” program will be problematic – littered with litter and filled with fur balls. 

Not just any cat would be allowed to join this litter box version of the mile-high club. Qualified fuselage felines would be composed, mature cats who’d pitter-patter down the aisle with their tails high and their dander low. Vetting these little flying tigers would be rigorous. But who would do the vetting? Why veterinarians of course. But not just any veterinarians. Retired military veterinarians. In other words, veteran veterinarians would vet. Read the rest of this entry »

At least 25 senior citizens were believed to have been shot this morning at a downtown Reno Walgreens Pharmacy. What we know so far is that they were all shot in the same appendage at close range and that miraculously every one of them has survived. Well no group has yet taken credit for the assault, no one is really disowning it either. This shooting seems to have been months in the planning. At a slowly arranged press conference, a Walgreens spokesman reminded everyone that each of these senior citizen voluntarily signed-up for their shot, just as they do every year during flu season: “We always shoot the old people first because they’re the most vulnerable population. Maybe ‘inoculate’ would be a better word to use than ‘shoot.’ ”  

As reports of the immunization circulated President Trump tweeted: “Had I known these senior citizens were in danger I would’ve stepped in and taken their shots for them.” The NRA had no comment on the latest in mass shootings except to say: “If hypodermic needles are outlawed, only outlaws will have hypodermic needles.”

Even in the wake of this mass shooting, Big Pharma is planning more nationwide shootings in order to protect the public from God-given pathogens. And the public seems willing to go along with anything that will shield them from the ravages of Cold & Flu season. A Big Pharma spokes-enabler said: “We firmly believe in shooting citizens for their own good. And that it’s vital to adhere to that portion of the 2^nd Amendment facilitating these shots – The right to bare arms.”

As usual, our thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who were shot.

A fresh, young face in the exciting field of Truancy Enforcement. Don’t be late. Start your career today. But seriously, be on time. It’s one of the requirements. 

Hello everyone, my name is Osgood Stickler, and in case you haven’t guessed by now, I’m a stickler. My father was a stickler and his father was a Stickler. He’d better be. He was born Johann Stickler in Bavaria. Well, in Munich actually. In fact he was born in a second floor back bedroom on 1352 Manheim Strasse in Munich at a latitude of 48° 8′ 13.7544” N and a longitude of 11° 34′ 34.0464” E. See, I really am a stickler. So is it any wonder I’d gravitate toward the not-quite-a-policeman field of a Truancy Enforcement – a profession to which my persnickety nature and exacting expectations are well-suited? Some might argue that if my last name was Vlasic I’d gravitate to a job in the field of cucumbers. But it’s not. So I’m a Stickler, not a pickler. 

Now there’s a vast difference between a stickler and a person who suffers from OCD. I’m the normal one. I don’t nitpick. Oh sure I might enjoy coloring inside the lines more than your average bear, but then again, what do we really know about average bears, let alone how they might color something. It has always been my tenet that if you do your duty and keep your nose clean, you’ll succeed. And it’s not just the nose. It’s other body parts too. But I think it’s important to start with the nose…and maybe include the ears. Basically you should keep clean any uncovered body part another person can see. The hidden parts, not so much – unless they start to smell worse than your average bear, but then again, what do we really know about the smell of average bears?  

My interest in enforcing truancy laws began in the early 80’s when Dr. Stephen Hawking’s less cosmic brother Ralph, published his groundbreaking book A Brief History of Truancy. Alright, it was groundbreaking to me at least. In this special interest book Ralph Hawking deconstructs the salient epochs of truancy and brilliantly relates the enforcement of attendance requirements to the universe as a whole. In this masterly tome, Ralph Hawking traces a general history of absenteeism, enforced attendance and just plain being AWOL. It’s broken down by distinct Truancy eras:

1. Truancy in Later Hominids: 40,000 BC-10,000 BC
2. Truancy Before the Beatles: 10,000 BC-1963
3. The Beatles: 1964-1970
4. Truancy, Truancy, Truancy: Truancy in the time of Marcia Brady: 1971-1974
5. Truancy in the time of Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors: 1975-present

Read the rest of this entry »