Author Archive

It is often said that to lead a happy life you should, “Dance like nobody’s watching.” I get that. But with a twist. What brings me joy is to, “Write like nobody’s reading.” And based upon my Google Analytics of late, that statement has never been truer. There’s no denying what brings us joy. The heart wants what the heart wants.

So as I bathe myself in literary pixie dust in preparation for a writer’s journey into rapture, I find myself in my element. I’ve got my backlit keyboard, my predatory imagination and I’ve just cracked open a fresh ginger-hibiscus kombucha. I’m not only in my element, I’ve become an element: Hardimanium – a rare psychoactive literary element consisting of all Higgs bosons and a knowing smirk.

Now as I gently loosen the tethers mooring me to conventional and unspectacular wisdom, I feel the motivating presence of a million eyes not reading this. Such exquisite freedom. My gatekeepers have been put on administrative leave and in their absence no bureaucratic censor exists to burden my thoughts. The swirling excesses of my cerebral vortices are tamed only by the limits of the English language. 

Yes, it’s the perfect literary storm and the NWS (No, not the National Weather Service, but the Narcotized Writers’ Sanctuary) is calling for a lacerating Category 5 hurricane once the literary storm travels up your optic nerve and saturates your consciousness. But please don’t evacuate yourself just yet. I promise to keep you securely within the eye of Hurricane David, at an observationally safe distance from its high-velocity humor and killer premises. You might get a little wet, but that’s only in keeping with the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow who mused so eloquently: “Into each life some rain must fall.”

I thank you for the absence of your presence. How else can I write so uninhibitedly?

 

Cutting and Pasting My Inner Dialogue

What if the Pep Boys were Impressionists and not Auto Parts bobble heads? Instead of Manny, Moe and Jack, they’d be Manet, Monet and Jacques.

 

Are there boats that ship dead people to ports of final call? And if so, would that ship be a place where corpses are berthed? Cuz I would think it would be pretty difficult to berth a corpse…I mean the gestation period alone.

 

Amazing Feet: Marathoner wins race 7 years running.  

 

So I guess “new train smell” is just something I’ll never experience.

 

Things not often thought about: At the height of his popularity Elvis was drafted into the Army. And he actually had to go. No dispensation for the King of Rock & Roll. Can anyone imagine Eminem or Jay-Z having had to serve a 2 year hitch in the Army? “Nope, I’m sorry Mr. Mathers you’ll need to guard an ammo dump at Fort Benning for a couple of years.” Or…”Tough luck Shawn Carter, these potatoes won’t peel themselves here at Camp Granada.”   

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But a Car Appealing to our Hidden Prejudices Just Might.

 

These Are the Cars That Drive Men’s Souls

With the advent of social media, a clear-eyed discussion of the pressing issues of the day has been reduced to flame-throwing snarky comments at those you disagree with. These curdles of wisdom are also known as memes. Memes as in: ♫Me, me, me, me, me, me, memes! ♫. This scorched Earth policy leaves little room for conciliation and plenty of room for righteous indignation. The once deep reservoir of societal collegiality has been drained from the body politic leaving its citizens parched and petulant.

 

Not to worry however because this corrosive dynamic will be obliterated when polemicists of all stripes depart this surly world and pass through that transcendent tunnel of purifying white light you hear about from people who’ve returned from NDEs (Near Death Experiences). These briefly deceased trailblazers will tell you they can’t describe the rapturous splendor awaiting you, but if they could convey anything it’s that we’re all one in God and all this fussing and fighting serves no one. This is not some “Kum-bi-ya” moment for the nearly dead, but rather a “How did I forget that?” moment for the recently returned. Of course this does no one any good if they realize the greater reality when they’re on the other side and can’t tangibly express it when they return to their bodies. At least it’s comforting to know that it is our destiny to have our prejudices, self-image and core values all scrubbed clean by the astringent lather of eternal truth.

 

If learning the truth requires a cessation of earthly distractions then so be it. I just wish it took something less dramatic for us to recall our truer natures. Perhaps if people could have these epiphanies without dying. Maybe, like the aforementioned near death experience. Yeah, that’s it! An NDE – a Near Death Experience. I mean a near death experience never killed anybody – that’s how it got its name in the first place. It’s only near death, and not the actual death itself. That’s the long and hopeful view anyway. But as long as we’re 7 billion fussy people on Earth with wrongs to be righted, it’s a different story.

 

A story car marketers haven’t turned a blind eye to. So in keeping with our thinly-educated citizenry happy to revel in the one-dimensional smugness of what they’ve just cut & pasted on social media, automobile manufacturers have begun to target market their models not only to practical considerations, but also to political considerations. And in catering to these political views the new models have become decidedly tendentious as manufacturers accentuate the vehicular divide. These models may need a realignment soon because currently these politicars are made to crab either too far left or too far right. Some parents like to start their children out early in these biased models; similarly to how they might use corrective shoes to get their children to walk straight – except in this case it’s to steer them left or right.

 

For example, the new Ford Polarity proves that a car divided against itself can drive. It comes in 2 niche-marketed models: The all-new Ford Snowflake – very big in California. And its sister stablemate the brawny new Ford Extremist – makes a Hummer look like a Mini Cooper. These 2 new models promise to satisfy the left and the right while simultaneously irritating both.

 

The Ford Snowflake features a selectable horn option that blows very, very softly and says, “Pardon me, but could you please be more considerate. I mean both specifically in this traffic situation and generally in society?” It’s an apologetic mouthful, but what else would you expect from a Snowflake? Standard bumper stickers read:

1. I Brake For Immigrants
2. I Don’t See Color
3. I Tolerate Everybody But Those Ignoramuses.

 

Sold way over on the right side of the sales floor is the Ford Extremist. Its horn whistles Dixie when blown and its bumper stickers read:

1. If Catapults are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Catapults
2. This Truck Ain’t Got No Cup Holders, But It Does Have Beer Holders
3. I Like Things Just The Way I Imagine Them To Be.

 

With Ford segmenting the market politically, other manufacturers are following suit. Other politicars in various stages of production include:

 

1. The 2018 Kate Upton – Finally a model we can all agree on
2. Pontiac Partisan – You’ll never cross the center divide again in this model
3. Ford Compromise – The only car whose best performance is in neutral
4. Ford Zion – Runs on chutzpah and unleaded chutzpah. All gauges are read right to left and instead of a sunroof it comes with a little yarmulke on top. And yes, you can only buy it wholesale.
5. Lexus Libtard – For the well-educated male and limousine liberal who bristles at the inequities of life and donates generously to food banks and women’s shelters alike; all the while he’s pressing his 28 year-old single mom secretary for sex. This vehicle is also badged under the Hyundai Hypocrisy and is nicknamed the Charlie Rose
6. Hummer RWNJ – Runs on gumption and unexamined motives. A self-driving version was scrapped because it continually pulled to the right. Its hood ornament doubles as a bullhorn and its BOSE sound system is actually an echo chamber so the driver’s beliefs are continuously reinforced while motoring. When the GPS “Home” button is pressed the RWNJ routes you directly to NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia.
7. Deep State Dodge – Similar to their Stealth, only much stealthier
8. Toyota Tyrant – Runs on threats and intimidation. Hybrid version uses both narcissism and sociopathy as alternative fuels.
9. Tesla Bipartisan – What else would you expect from the Muskinator but transcendence, integration and a higher calling – all in a zero carbon footprint vehicle. This is a car with that visionary thing that looks beyond petty squabbles and intractable anxieties. Also comes in a Prozac version.

 

It is with abundant glee and unbridled something-er-other I celebrate the inanity and sweetness of life as suggested in this apocryphal marketing expose. If I focus on just the mean-spiritedness of life, it would drive me crazy and writing this satirical piece is how I like to be driven.

The Supreme Food Court at the CIA (The Culinary Institute of America) has a full menu of cases this session. They include the following noteworthy disputes and their abstracts:

1. Kevin Bacon v. Meat Loaf – Case to decide who’s the Alpha Carnivore
2. Pringles v. United States Sawdust Corporation – A case in which US Sawdust seeks recompense or at least some credit for providing half of the ingredients in Pringles “Potato” Chips.
3. Mr. Coffee v. Mrs. Butterworth – One glorious night of frolicking on the kitchen counter between a sweetly seductive Mrs. Butterworth and a highly caffeinated Mr. Coffee led to the birth of their little Baby Ruth. The question now arises: Who’s going to pay for Baby Ruth’s support? Until the case is resolved Baby Ruth has been placed in the temporary custody of Aunt Jemima – which in this case is located on the 2^nd shelf of the cabinet nearest the sink.
4. Venus Fly Trap v. Flies – Should be an open and shut case
5. Yam v. Sweet Potato – Case to decide if they’re the same vegetable – you never see them in the same produce section at the same time. The court expects Plant Psychologists to give expert testimony on schizophrenia in root vegetables.
6. Pepperidge Farms Mint Milano Cookies v. Alyssa Milano – Pepperidge Farms alleges “Unconscious copyright infringement” on the part of Ms. Milano. In order to eliminate further confusion between its cookie and Ms. Milano, Pepperidge Farm seeks to compel Ms. Milano to rename herself either Alyssa Marzipan or Alyssa Xanthan Gum. Ms. Milano’s is reluctant to comply stating, “Who’s the boss?” Tony Danza has filed a friend of the court brief stating: “I speak for millions of Americans when I say that there is no confusion here. If you put the two of them side by side there’s only one of them you’d want to eat.”
7. The Estate of Clarence Birdseye v. The People of the United States – The estate of Clarence Birdseye contends that the idea of freezing ffood or future consumption was theirs and theirs alone. Consequently they seek redress in the form of a 1¢ royalty on all food items frozen after 1953. Critics believe the case doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell. Birdseye lawyers claim it does have a snowball’s chance in a freezer.
8. Faberge Eggs v. Egg Beaters – Faberge Eggs believes the existence of Egg Beaters is an affront to all hard-shelled ova everywhere.  Faberge wonders why marauding gangs of Egg Beaters are still allowed to roam the dairy case with impunity as they wantonly crack shells and otherwise beat up on their oval brethren is an outrage. They find this brand of “egg on egg” violence unacceptable. “These are not good eggs,” says an attorney for the firm of Humpty and Dumpty. Faberge Eggs seek redress in the form of having all Egg Beaters confined to their cartons until breakfast time, when they’ll have their contents poured onto a skillet and fried rigid till they’re no longer a threat to anyone. In its defense, Egg Beaters lamented, “It’s not the way we’d choose to behave, it’s just the way General Foods makes us.”
9. Pillsbury Toaster Strudel v. Kellogg’s Pop Tarts – Convenience breakfast food turf battle heats up as Pop Tarts assert its claim as the original toaster pastry. Toaster Strudel’s attorneys intend employ the nuclear option and play the “Eggo Waffle card” if Pop Tarts maintain its exclusive right to dub itself the one and only original toaster pastry. Counsel for Toaster Strudel are incredulous at Pop Tarts duplicity – i.e., “How can Pop Tarts honestly maintain they hold exclusive rights to the ‘toaster pastry’ name when their own company manufactures a similar product – the Eggo Toaster Waffle? It seems Pop Tarts wants to have their waffle and eat it too. We say never. We say Leggo my Eggo.”
10. Honda v. Hyundai (I know not food related, but it was the only court date they could get)
11. Benadryl v. Peanut Farmers of America – Benadryl seeks to neutralize Peanut Farmers’ effort to impose their legumes on an unsuspecting public. Thus far the Peanut Farmers’ lawyers have been tentative in coming out of their shells.
12. Parsnip v. Turnip – This case is being closely watched by the Dirt Farmers of Appalachia, that will determine which tuber possesses the more bodacious ta-tas. This landmark ruling will decide once and forever whether a Parsnip or a Turnip has the best nips. The winner gets the tuber concession at Dollywood.
13. Margarine v. Butter – Margarine seeks a cease and desist order against Butter’s derogatory assertion that: If you think it’s butter, but it’s snot…It’s Chiffon.
14. Darryl Strawberry v. Halle Berry – Case is being watched berry, berry closely.

In summation, I don’t know how nutritious this amuse bouche is, but I do know one thing: It is food for thought.

Food Court Rulings 2018: Case Histories

 

World Food Court at The Hague

Mrs. Dalrymple vs Gerber Baby Food

Mrs. Dalrymple complained her baby’s strained peas were too chunky.

The World Food Court found in favor of Mrs. D. agreeing that indeed the peas were too chunky. To remedy the defect, the Food Court issued Gerber a restraining order.

 

Mall of America Food Court vs KFC

Mall of America Food Court found Kentucky Fried Chicken guilty of frequent and regular battery of its fried chicken. Exasperated KFC’s lawyers responded by asking the food court, “How else are we supposed to coat the damn birds if we can’t batter them?” Mall of America Food Court was unswayed by the argument and ordered KFC to pay $1 million to fund a Home for Battered Chicken.

 

Boise Food Court vs MacDonald’s Restaurant Corporation

Boise Food Court accused MacDonald’s of perpetrating repeated a salt on its French Fries. MacDonald’s contends the sodium-enhancing act was consensual and essential to the flavor of its deep-fried spuds. Boise Food Court disagreed and issued a No So Dium Order of Cessation.

 

Sarasota Food Court vs Minute Maid Orange Juice

Sarasota Food Court found Minute Maid Orange Juice’s pulp very thinly scattered and generally unfocused. As a remedy the Sarasota Food Court required that Minute Maid Orange Juice concentrate. 

 

Talladega Race Track Food Court vs The Milk Advisory Board

The City Fathers of Talladega requested the Milk Advisory Board to change the labeling on their cartons from Homogenized Milk to Heterogenized Milk. They cited a citizenry “uncomfortable” drinking from anything with the word “Homo” on it.

The Milk Advisory Board summarily refused the remedy claiming the Talladega Food Court was acting lactose intolerantly.

 

Milwaukee County Stadium Food Court vs Miller Brewing Company

Issued an injunction barring Miller Brewing Company from referring to its calorie-reduced beer as “Lite.” Milwaukee Food Court required Miller to call this diluted beer what it really is: Diet Beer. “What’s next,” Miller’s lawyers complained, “making it a requirement to pronounce each letter in the name ‘Worcestershire Sauce’?”

 

Yankee Stadium Food Court vs Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream

In the case of Yankee Stadium Food Court vs Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream, the Food Court held that Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream’s in-stadium advertising claim that “You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream,” was extravagant, fatuous and irredeemably self-serving – even though the ice cream itself was not self-serve (a legally semantic thicket).

After Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream pleaded nolo contendre to overstating their case of patrons “screaming” for ice cream, the Court required Haagen-Dazs to tone themselves down. Specifically the remedy barred Haagen-Dazs from claiming anything more than “Ice cream is a desirable treat that perhaps many, but not all enjoy. And although consumers of the frozen confection might request it in a voluble manner, rarely is it ordered while screaming.”

Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream is appealing the ruling to a higher court: The Court of Public Opinion.

 

Dessert

In summation, I don’t know how nutritious this amuse bouche was, but I do know one thing: It is food for thought.

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if Jesus was 3’6” tall

1. Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount would’ve been called The Sermon on the Mount in Elevator Sandals
2. At only 3½ feet tall, rising from the dead wouldn’t be such a big deal. Especially when compared to the aerodynamic forces at play in rising a full-grown Messiah.
3. {Esoteric Reference Alert, Dana} Chinese Christians would probably bind their children’s pituitary glands to reduce their HGH (human growth hormone) in hopes of keeping them small and delicate and therefore more spiritually desirable.
4. (#4 is not part of the list, just a cautionary note to self) I really shouldn’t mess with Jesus. He’s one of the few good guys whether in Regular or Mini-me size.
5. At the Last Supper, Jesus would’ve been sitting in a booster seat. Very bad optics on that one.
6. Astronomers would have to change the term “White Dwarf Star” to “Vertically Challenged Caucasian Star.”
7. So called “Body of Christ” wafers would be 1/3 smaller and contain fewer calories. Over the span of 2000 years, it is estimated the Catholic Church would’ve saved almost $200 in sacramental expenses.

 

Top 10 People with No Regrets

1. There are no people without regrets. Those who claim to be are liars.
2. Liars

 

Top 10 Celebrities Who Wish They Were Younger

1. All of them

 

Top 10 People Named Frank Briscoe

1. Frank Briscoe
2. Franklin “Frank” Briscoe
3. Artemis “Frank” Briscoe
4. Frank Briscoe-Mellencamp

 

Top 10 Least Popular Men’s Adult Entertainment Magazines

1. #MeToo
2. The Women of Bulgaria’s Prisons…and the Guards Who Love Them
3. Early Onset Cellulose
4. Cuticle Cuties of Calcutta (For the Fingertip Fetishist)
5. Harvard Law Review

 

Top 10 People Almost Named “Kayla Williams”

1. Kelly Williams
2. Caitlyn Wilmore
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass

 

Top 10 People Who Should Use Fanny Spackle to Fill the Top of Their Butt Crack When they Bend Over

1. No one wants to see that.
2. Carpet Layers
3. People Who Lay Anything

 

Top Ten Things Souls Say to God After He tells Them They’re Going to Be Reincarnated As a Black Man in Alabama

1. Really?
2. No c’mon man, really?
3. Whatever they’re paying you I’ll double it.
4. Well yeah, the idea of toleration is great as long as you’re not the thing that’s being tolerated.
5. How about Detroit, or at least California?

 

Top 10 People Who Have an Inflated View of Themselves

1. Snoopy… in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
2. Good Year blimp
3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass
4. I know. The first 2 aren’t people and the third one may or may not be a person, but I’m running out of ideas and this seemed like a good premise.
5. Napoleon Blownapart

 

Top 10 Something or Others

1. Something
2. Others

Sayonara Baby! (I’m in Japan now. Tokyo Prefecture. Chiyoda-Ku Ward)

1. TGITAs – Thank God It’s Tuesday Afternoon. Lots of Moody Blues.
2. A Confederacy of Donuts – The dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived paean to plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and serfs eat free. Ask about our Cotton Pickin’ Specials.
3. Gristle’s – Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Pulmonary Vein
4. The International House of Hoecakes – Our Hoecakes are blown out of proportion
5. Heimlich’s – A German tapas house, featuring small chokable portions
6. Hammertoe’s – Specializing in Pig’s Feet
7. A seafood restaurant called The Poop Deck – It’s not what you think. It’s worse.
8. Pig’s Feet – Specializing in Hammertoes
9. Grunty’s – If you love flushing, you’ll love Grunty’s
10. Abbatoir’s – Select your dinner from our livestock pen. Just point and click. All slaughtering done on site.
11. The Crossdressing Dairy Queen – Think twice about ordering anything made with cream.
12. Old MacDonald’s – Not affiliated with MacDonald’s. Featuring Farm to Table cuisine. 2 new locations – serving an Oink, Oink here and Moo Moo there. Old MacDonald has a restaurant. Eat, I eat, I owe.
13. PTRs – Parsnips, Turnips and Rutabagas. It’s like totally tubular.
14. The Pompous Ass – An architectural marvel. All customers enter through the rear.
15. LGBTQ? It’s Friday – Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
16. Tai Foid’s Bistro – A place where Employees Must Wash Hands, but they don’t
17. Original Grunty’s – Not an actual restaurant. I just like saying Grunty.
18. Grunty’s on Fifth – Once again, not an actual restaurant, I just like saying Fifth.
19. Cordial Ice Cream – A budget version of Friendly Ice Cream. If they become more profitable they promise to plow the money back into cheeriness. But for now they can only manage cordiality.

Bothersome and Encumbered Verbiage for a Saturday Morning

The Officially Revised Rules to the Sequel to Fight Club

The first rule of the original Fight Club was:

You do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of the original Fight Club was:

You DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

In this more charitable sequel, the rules have been updated to reflect a more tolerant pugilistic culture.

The first revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

1. You may obliquely refer to Fight Club.

The second revised rule of Fight Club Round 2:

2. You may OBLIQUELY refer to Fight Club.

 

Other rules/observations to the sequel Fight Club Round 2 are as follows:

1. If a participant is knocked out, the National Anthem is played so they will spring to their feet through patriotic peer pressure
2. All jock straps will be equipped with air bags to protect against accidental kicks to the groin
3. Chuck Norris is not allowed to compete in Fight Club (unless, of course, he wants to)
4. If a defeated opponent yells “Stop”, taps out or goes limp, the victor must pull down the loser’s pants and yell “Olly olly oxen free.”
5. Fight Club believes (contrary to whatever the American Society of Gastroenterologists might say) that the occasional roundhouse kick to the stomach is actually good for digestion. The same holds true for a right cross to the occipital lobe improving your vision. 
6. Even if you’re a delusional and alienated white collar worker looking for kicks, Fight Club is a really, really stupid thing to do – especially if you’re as good-looking as Brad Pitt
7. This list of rules doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless you’re familiar with Fight Club. And even if you are familiar with it, the list still doesn’t make much sense.
8. In Fight Club you may not use corncob holders as a weapon. However you may use armpit odor.
9. You are not permitted to quote from the Bible while your opponent is in a chokehold. However you may quote from Chuck Norris’s autobiography
10. The channeling of Bruce Lee is recommended. However the channeling of Brenda Lee…not so much
11. If you enjoy fighting recreationally, you might also like our sister group: Colonoscopy Club. The first rule of Colonoscopy Club is: You do not talk about Colonoscopy Club. The second rule is that, due to fumes beyond its control, Colonoscopy Club stinks.

1. Longness of Breath – Why get caught short?
2. Acute Baby – It’s better than an ugly one
3. Vowel Movement – Grammarians recommend 2 to 3 compacted vowel movements a day
4. Chronic Consonant Crowding – To be found in the word shrimp or shrank: 6 letters, 5 consonants 83.3% consonant compliant. Also found in the word catchphrase which has a whopping 6 consecutive consonants – take that syzygy.
5. Pancreatic Fondling – Who doesn’t? Y’know, when you’re alone and no one’s watching
6. Spinal Men-in Black – Greatly preferred over Spinal Meningitis
7. Medium Pox – Get the Pox size that’s right for you!
8. Atrial Fluffernutter – A disease that’s close to my heart
9. Myocardial Infantilism – I don’t even know what I’m talking about here I just like to say “Myocardial Infantilism.”
10. Stereo-nucleosis – Again, it’s greatly preferred over Mono-nucleosis
11. Mono-Poly – A great way to mispronounce Monopoly. Mono-Poly: where the accent’s on fun.
12. Fractured Fairy Tales – Broke my heart to read them
13. One Toke Over the Lyme…disease – When life gives you limes, you make limeade?
14. Help! I’m Coming Apart at the Seams – Well then, you probably need a good screwing.
15. Ack Knee – Greatly preferred to acne
16. Dry Hump – Starts around puberty
17. Lymph Penis Syndrome – Starts around Social Security
18. Freudian Dandruff – A syndrome suffered by flakes
19. Freudian Girdle – Sorry, another Freudian reference – I must be slipping.
20. Chronic Freudian Reference Syndrome – A unique disorder manifested by writer’s with supreme intellijence.
21. Detached Attitude – Could care less about this condition
22. Arrested Leg Syndrome – Gotta walk the line otherwise you get the boot
23. Hepa-tight-ass – When you can’t tip more than 15%
24. Foot in Mouth Disease – When you tell the truth by accident
25. Writers’ Gaffe – When you tell the truth by accident

Dr. Kelly Applewhite, President of the Mount Vernon Ladies Association, recounted her early days at the mansion when she gave tours. She remembers how smart aleck visitors would sometimes peer into the bedroom of George Washington and ask in mock seriousness, “Now is any of his body heat still in the bed?” Many in the tour group would chuckle which drew a furtive look of condemnation from a then youthful Kelly as the contrite wise guy realized he had crossed a line in referring to our illustrious forefather.

 

But maybe this loose cannon wasn’t off target with his flippant jest. In fact it has now been confirmed he hit the bullseye with his remark based on a Homeland Security team’s recent discovery. While on a mission to terror-proof Mount Vernon they were stunned by what they uncovered. The team was utilizing night vision goggles to securitize the national landmark from prospective defilers when specialists noticed an eerie glow emanating from the bed where the Father of Our Country expired on December 14, 1799. Upon closer inspection, and in tandem with expertise provided by Dr. Applewhite, it was conclusively determined through thermal imagery, that the slowly fading heat signature was none other than George Washington’s. The outline was unmistakable; right down to the peculiar heat signature on his left thigh where he’d had an abscess removed in 1793. A less distinct glowing mass to the left of the General’s was described as “of a matronly contour ” and is believed to be that of his loving wife Martha who had crawled into bed and kept vigil over the stricken chieftain that fateful night.

 

Birth of an Avatar

George Washington lives on in the hearts of his countrymen and now in the outline of his body heat still resident in the bed where he died. What lends further credence to this discovery is that it is well-known Martha never spent another night in that room or in that bed after her beloved husband died. She lived her last 3 years in a modest 3^rd floor dormer room heated by a Franklin stove. Records produced by the Mount Vernon Ladies Association who superintend the mansion and the General’s legacy, reveal that upon removal of George Washington’s lifeless body from the four-post bed, it was meticulously remade and sanctified so that no one else would ever disturb the sacred linen bedding where our first President drew his last breath.

 

Thermal image historic preservationists are working diligently to maintain the 219 year-old cooling outline of Mr. Washington’s body before it evanesces into the ethers. They are flatly astonished that this heat energy could be preserved and husbanded in one bed for over two centuries without supernatural intervention. Thermal preservationists said that based on even the most generous thermo-evaporative calculations, his body heat should’ve completely vanished by December 15, 1799. That leaves almost 219 years unaccounted for.

 

Whether a burning communal respect for the General was still providing enduring kindling for the outlined memory of our revered forefather, thermal preservationists weren’t saying. They do however, hope to heat the room to an optimal temperature whereby the dissipating heat of George Washington’s image retains a half-life of 400 years thereby preserving the great man’s thermal signature for generations to come. Of course in their exuberance to preserve a constant yet minimal temperature differential, thermal preservationists run the risk of overheating the room and co-mingling the ambient heat with George Washington’s body heat such that the delicate isothermic outlines of the General’s body lose their ghostly distinction and melt into each other. And while this disappearance would be a loss to posterity, it might be in keeping with the military bearing and sterling character of George Washington.

When and if George Washington’s body heat does surrender its warmth to the surrounding atmosphere, it will echo the words of General Douglas MacArthur who in his resignation speech before congress in 1952 proclaimed, “Old soldiers never die. They just fade away.”