Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

There are really 2 facets to getting up in the morning (if indeed it still is morning). First there’s the waking up portion (easy). Then there’s getting out of bed portion (not so easy). And this is where The 7 Stages Of Getting Out Of Bed come into play:

1. Shock – Why me? I didn’t ask to be born. Stupid horny parents.

 

2. Denial – Surely this alarm was meant for somebody who gives a sh*t.

 

3. Bargaining – If keep binge-watching Netflix maybe it will all go away?

 

4. Guilt – I shouldn’t have gotten in line twice when they passed out the “sleepy gene.” Oh well, ♫Cheer up Sleepy Jean ♫.

 

5. Anger – It’s still Obama’s fault.

 

6. Depression – I don’t even want to eat. I swear I’m going to stop feeding myself.

 

7. Acceptance/hope – Well all this thinking has made me hungry. And since I need money for food, alright I’ll get up and go to work. Next incarnation I hope to come back as a bed so I can lie around all freakin day – yeah that’s right I said “freakin”.

Watch for my next installment of Life Coping Skills when I illuminate the 7 Stages Of Discovering They Got Your Drive-Thru Order Wrong. When you’re 5 miles away.

What better way to ring in the New Year than with a new doorbell chime. I’d been wanting to make some changes in my life for a while because (to paraphrase Bob Dylan) ♫The chimes, they are a-changing♫. What better way to tell the world you’re getting your personal thing together than to swap out your 22-year-old doorbell chime. The traditional F-sharp to D-flat dyad would no longer do. I needed something that bespoke the changes that had happened in my life. I thought a C# to an A would say everything my heart couldn’t.

 

And you know something? Friends started to notice. They mentioned it to me; “Hey Dave. There’s something different about you and I can’t quite put my finger on it?” That’s when I showed them my new doorbell ringer and then they could put their finger on it. Then they understood. They would ring my bell with great certainty and remark “Now I no longer have to ask, ‘For whom the bell chimes?’ For it chimes for thee.” Heavy stuff. But I guess that’s what you have to go through when you break on through to the other side. Read the rest of this entry »

Well it’s that time of year again. No, not Amnesia Awareness Month, but Girl Scout Cookies Extortion Month, where citizens leaving grocery stores and banks are guilted into purchasing enough high-fructose cookies to power an aircraft carrier. There are some new varieties this year and I thought I’d highlight them for you:

1. Binge Mints
2. Heimlich Chokies
3. Nutty Doofuses
4. Transgendered Something er Others
5. WMDs (Wafers of Mass Delight)
6. Vegan Flytraps
7. Lemon Nothings
8. Extra-Gluten Peanut Clusters w/Benadryl
9. Fracture Snaps
10. Pralines ‘n Lint
11. Snickernipples
12. Whoopsie Daisies
13. LGBTs (Loganberry Treats)
14. Toucan Sandies
15. Three Can Ednas
16. Buttered Goobledygooks
17. Sugar-free Why Bothers
18. Upside-Down Right-Side-Ups
19. Powdered Snowglobes
20. Goiter Drops
21. Tagalogs (Available in Philippines only)
22. Forget-me-nuts
23. Double Stuff Oreogasms  (Women may have as many as they’d like, but men must wait at least 1 hour between cookies.)
24. Esophageal Conundrums
25. Silicon Wafers
26. Isaac Newtons

1. Yorkshire Terrorist – Won’t stop yapping till they get their wet food
2. She Wow Wow – Sofia Vergara-influenced breed
   

   Don’t raise your eyebrows at me.

3. Lhasa Ipso Facto – Asian lawyers’ favorite dog
4. Angela Basset Hound – Ike Turner had something to do with its creation
5. Alaskan Mostlymute – Rarely barks
6. Uaintnuthin’butta Hound Dog – Found mostly in the South, Cryin’ all the time
7. Teacup St. Bernard – A contradiction in terms. Like jumbo shrimp.
8. Borderline Collie – Not quite a Collie, but close
9. Cocker Doodle Doo – Howls when the sun comes up
10. Chilean Sea Basset Hound – A sub-species of Dogfish. Sleeps on a bed of spinach.
11. Greenish Retriever – Not quite green, looks seasick, recycles
12. Nissan – Formerly Dachsund (Get it? Datsun became Nissan)
13. Hairless Sheep Dog – A frightening-looking animal. At least it doesn’t shed.
14. Mess Hall Chow – Featuring its trademark Blue Tongue Special
15. Belgian Airhead – (courtesy of Steve Martin)
16. Random Doodle – exists only on paper and, fittingly, does it on the paper
17. Jewish Shepherd – Enjoys Flocks and Bagels
18. Not-so-Great Dane – Underachieving Scandinavian canine.
19. Shih Tzu! – God Bless You.
20. Nikita – Nike’s corporate repurposing of the Akita breed. All Nikitas are named Swoosh.
21. Miniature Toy Chihuahua – Due to size challenges, must be raised under an electron microscope

1. 

   Philosopher/vagrant sign says it all.

   Have worked for food. Now I’m hungry again.

2. It’s Obama’s Trump’s fault.
3. Your place or mine? I’m thinking yours.
4. If you can read this you’re too close. 
5. I’m the precipitate from trickle-down economics.
6. Down to 2 teeth-whitening strips. Anything would help?
7. Blew my MacArthur Genius Grant award money on whores and crack. Please help.
8. You should see the other guy.
9. I’m an optimist whose glass is 1/8^th How about some help with the other 7/8^ths?
10. Mistakes were made.
11. I used to fit into most overhead compartments. Now look at me.
12. Think of me as a tax deductible charity who doesn’t pester you with direct mail.
13. My inner dialogue is not free. Pay up.
14. Well I’m out of quips…and money.

The Berkeley City Council served an immediate cease and desist order to Bechtel Corporation in an effort to preserve the Spotted Hobo’s habitat. The council claimed the construction site, located at the Ashby Avenue underpass, is a natural spawning ground for the Spotted Hobo (Polka-dot vagranti) and its alteration could bring about the extinction of the group. The United Nations Commission on Compromised Wildlife has placed the Spotted Hobo on the endangered species list; one notch below the Goiter-Necked Parakeet (Magnum-thoraxed dinkus), but several notches above Syrian Refugees (Syrian refugees).

The Council believes that disturbing the Spotted Hobo’s biosphere would force the species to abandon their natural habitat and move to less accommodating grounds in the urban center where they’d encroach on stairwells already strained by populations of unemployed raccoons (Loafus mascara). The Spotted Hobo is a rare sub-species of vagranti who’ve developed their trademark “spots” by eating from doggy bags “gifted” to them by predatory capitalists exiting the many fine bistros of Berkeley. And while the well-heeled foodie set embraces the Spotted Hobo, other groups are quite fearful of the breed and are what we term “hobophobic.”

Lawyers for Bechtel Construction pleaded with the Berkeley City Council to reconsider their order and reminded them that the project was designed as a 400-bed homeless shelter and as such could absorb 8 times the number of displaced Spotted Hobos. The council refused the request and had the site re-zoned as an Indigenous Spotted Persons’ Habitat. Antioch (whose city has an open borders policy) offered to take in the Spotted Hobos, but Berkeley refused the offer stating, “The forced eviction of any species from their natural hunting and gathering grounds only serves to strengthen the oppressors and weaken the oppressed.”

When Bechtel Construction reiterated that the project was designed to house the very people they were so concerned about displacing, Berkeley Gender-neutral Council Entity, Trax Hillman remarked, “Logic has nothing to do with our decision. This is a reparation for Andrew Jackson’s forced removal of the Cherokee people along the ‘Trail of Tears’ in the late 1830’s. And if you don’t understand that you’re just one of the oppressors. We at the Council know why the caged Goiter-necked Parakeet sings. And as long as we have something to say about it, the Spotted Hobo will continue to live unmolested ‘neath, the bridges of Ashby Avenue where they’ll be protected by rapacious capitalists like Bechtel Corporation. Yes they’ll continue to thrive in their natural biota provided they’re fed by the doggy-bag toting restaurant patrons they’ve become dependent on as a primary food source.”  

Next week the Council takes up an application by Whole Foods for a store on Telegraph Avenue. Already the application is meeting strong headwinds as some members are calling for the Whole Foods to first open a Half Foods for one week and then the open other half the next week, so that by the end of 2 weeks they’d have a Whole Foods. Council member Hemp Wurther (who puts the “Q” in LGBTQ) explained, “Whole Foods is an admirable grocer and we’d be pleased to have them as a part of our nation. It is our intention however to have them showcase some of the less popular or disadvantaged food one week and then display the more adaptive mainstream foods the next week. Additionally, no matter which week a patron shops, all shall receive a participation trophy. And in case it isn’t abundantly clear already, we are doing this as a reparation for Andrew Jackson’s forced removal of the Cherokee people along the ‘Trail of Tears’ in the late 1830’s.”

What if the Rolling Stones had been a Chinese band and their Mandarin Chinese publicist was tasked with translating their Chinese song names into the American idiom? This is what those song titles might look like alongside their more familiar title:

1. Gratification (I am Unable to Obtain) No, No, No           Satisfaction
2. Copulation and Pharmaceuticals and Sway & Twist      Sex and Drugs and Rock & Roll
3. Impress Upon the Authorities, I’m an Alienated Youth   Virtually any Stones song           
4. Ignite Me (I’ll Continue Ceaselessly)                              Start Me Up
5. Chronology is a Champion of My Cause                        Time is on My Side
6. Beneath My Opposable Digit                                          Under My Thumb
7. We Celebrate Our Boorish Behavior                              Any Stones song
8. I’m Aware of our Music (And I Enjoy It)                          It’s only Rock and Roll (But I Like It)
9. Tiny Matriarchal Abettor                                                 Mother’s Little Helper        
10. We Choose to Rebel in an Anti-social Manner              Any Stones Song
11. A Sleepover – For Us, You Think?                                Let’s Spend the Night Together
12. Yu-Lin                                                                            Angie
13. Darkness for All to Share                                              Paint it Black and Sympathy for the Devil
14. Many Numerous Anxieties Deconstruct Me                  19^th Nervous Breakdown
15. Hoochie Koochie Lady Girl                                            Honky Tonk Woman
16. Chevaux Sauvages                                                       Wild Horses (Sung in French)
17. Jumpin’ Jack Flash                                                       Jumpin’ Jack Flash
18. Thank God It’s Friday                                                    Ruby Tuesday
19. Sweet, Sweet and Almost Black                                   Brown Sugar
20. Altocumulus Standing Lenticular Banishment               Get Off of My Cloud
21. The Mighty Oxen Doth Plow for Us                               Beast of Burden
22. I Demand Quarters                                                        Gimme Shelter
23. Your Choice, Sometime No Can Do                              You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Thank you masses of fans. And these Cascading Down Pebbles of Various Sizes (The Rolling Stones) have played music for you long time. Over 50 years now. I am being enjoying them too. We hope to visit your walled cities soon and perhaps group sing without hypo-allergenic face mask. All goodness to you ~ Yao Zhen-Foo, Publicist for Cascading Down Pebbles of Various Sizes.

 

Look for my next installment in the Things One Should Not Wonder About, when I discuss people who speak sign language with an accent. All Goodness to You ~ David Hardiman

In a rare show of bipartisan goodwill, the Clinton and Trump campaigns issued a joint statement today saying: “Indoor plumbing is the bomb.” The two camps were quick to paper over what few differences remained. For example, Clinton supporters tended to sit on the pot longer, brooding about global warming, while Trump supporters had a penchant for gold-plated seats and tweeting about how unfair the media are. The unanimity displayed in appreciation of the great porcelain altar was striking. Usually cracks appear early in these agreement, but the few cracks that did appear were quickly obscured by a great darkness that descended over the offending split as it eclipsed the seat.

Clinton Bathroom Fixture Liaison, Maria Higginbotham explained, “Bathroom activities are the kinds of things that bring us together and bind the country – not so we’re constipated, but you know what I mean. People need to be in a position (usually sitting down) to freely express themselves in the privacy of their own little booth where citizens do their duty and then pull the lever to send their choice into the public domain. And, in the absence of webcams, no one is watching whether you pulled the lever for #1 or #2.

“Morning evacuation is a universal ritual we all share in and have an equal stake in. Speaking of steak, it doesn’t matter that our supporter’s contributions tend to contain more ethically-sourced and sustainably-farmed organic matter and theirs is practically all Cheetos (It’s why they’re so orange). In the end though, it all goes to the same place. Just like our souls do. It’s a perfect metaphor for life.”

Trump Hair Wrangler, Katie Hallmark agreed, “While it’s true our constituency tends to admire our work for a moment longer before flushing and the other side would prefer to compost theirs, we recognize that both camps – no matter how deplorable we are or how uppity they are – quietly celebrate the vortex-siphon action of watching our morning contribution to the water treatment plant spin merrily down the drain till it disappears forever.

“Obviously we have more in common than we have in dispute. And while polling has shown our supporters tend to “bunch” and their supporters prefer to “fold”, in the end it doesn’t really matter. It’s of no consequence to the sewer.”  

Supporters of both camps briefly held hands and bowed their heads in appreciation of the non-discriminatory policies of toilets. They’ll take on anyone regardless of SAT score or whether or not they use their turn signal. They don’t discriminate, although I’m sure it wouldn’t be their chosen profession if they had a choice. They’re just built that way.

In a further sign of unity, both the Clinton and Trump campaigns were said to be preparing a joint statement on the virtues of baseball, hot dogs and apple pie.

 

 

Living in the shadow of a more illustrious brother is never easy. Just ask Jesus’s baby brother James of Nazareth. Sibling rivalry is one thing but try being in competition when your brother is the Son of God – “Hey mom, here’s an ashtray I made at school.” “That’s very good Jimmy.” vs “Behold Mother Mary, here are 5000 loaves of bread I made out of thin air.” A brother could develop an inferiority complex living in the shadow of such an overachiever.

Sibling rivalries run deep – sometimes even into the lives of fictional brothers. Case in point; Harry Potter’s younger and less publicized brother, Clarence. This black sheep wizard of the family was no miracle worker. The best he could do was transform a loaf of bread into 15 pieces of toast. It was difficult following in the broom exhaust of his high-flying brother Harry. For example Clarence was not admitted to Hogwarts due to low test scores on his WAT (Wizard Aptitude Test), so instead of Hogwarts, he attended Hogwash. Whereas Harry took advanced classes in Charms and Potions, Clarence took remedial classes in Pull-my-finger and Got-your-nose. It was very demeaning. At one point he even blew-up the Alchemy Lab trying to transform ice into water. This kid was limited. He couldn’t get a Bunsen burner straight. Some even suspected he was a Muggle and had no magical powers at all except for writing his name in the snow with his magic wand. Read the rest of this entry »