Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

1. Spelt, Millet and Amaranth: A Celebration of Ancient Grains
2. American Hammertoe: Tendon Lock in the Distal Phalanx
3. Greek Mythology: A Bunch of Made-up Stuff Not Worth Knowing
4. “Everything OK Hun?”: The Adorable Way in Which Husbands Try to Participate in Their Marriages
5. Thump, Thump, Thump: When the Washing Machine is Imbalanced
6. Elon Musk: The Man, the Fragrance
7. Salt, Sugar and Fat: The Making of President William Howard Taft
8. America’s Sinkholes: A Study in Spontaneous Depressions
9. Outcasts, Hermits and Loners: The Sad Few Among Us Who Do Not Have a Podcast.

***********And 2 Politically Incorrect Ones**************

10. A Fresh Look at the World’s Most Popular Canal: The Vaginal Canal
11. When Man First Began Walking Erect: The Origin Story of Homosexuality

1. Tagalogs – Sold only in the Philippines (now you’re talkin’ my language)
2. Sin Mints – Wickedly good
3. Sapostas – Saposta taste like Samoas
4. Pecan Sandinistas – Popular in Nicaragua
5. Chocolate Taints – This is one funky cookie
6. Do-si-dids – Past tense of Do-si-dos. Popular on the Square Dance circuit
7. Caramel Cameltoes – Must be 18 yrs old to purchase
8. Issac Newtons – The fig-filled treat for smarties
9. Aluminumfoils – Sister cookie to Trefoils. Fun to chew if you have fillings.
10. S’lesses – Slesses is S’mores. Sounds like I’m lithping

1. Fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot
2. Having plantar fasciitis and having Planters’ Peanuts
3. Being self-assured and having no idea what the hell’s going on
4. Eating chicken and eating something that tastes “kinda like chicken”
5. The left side of the road and the right side of the road
6. This One Will Hurt Your Head Alert: There’s a Thin Line Between: Getting a little Russian Dressing on the side and having your waiter bring you an actual small Russan guy putting on his clothes next to you

 

There’s a Thin Line Between:

1. Petting your kitty, or petting your pussy (C’mon people, get your mind out of the litter box. I’m talkin’ about cats)
2. Using the word “sesquipedalian” and just being a polysyllabic *sshole
3. Supreme self-confidence and cringing indecision
4. Being extravagant or just being extra vagant
5. Having said “Having said that” and saying “At the end of the day”….. and being an *sshole
6. Coveting thine neighbors cuticles and being mentally disturbed
7. Thinking that because you believe something makes it true. (It may be, but the truth doesn’t care what you believe. It’s just truth.)

 

There’s a Thin Line Between:

8. Knowing your hot water heater is actually a cold water heater and whatever the opposite of that is
9. Being an *sshole and using the word onomatopoeia
10. Believing the earth is flat and being stupid. (Actuality there is no line – you are stupid.)
11. Playing Words with Friends and playing Words with Acquaintances
12. Watching paint dry and just staring at a wall
13. Staring at a wall and meditating
14. Meditating and watching paint dry (Full circle folks)

 

And remember, just 1098 days till the next Leap Day! Woo Hoo!

 

1. 3 on 6 Basketball – Seems unfair and it is
2. Oh Give Me a Break Dancing – A counseling session where clear-eyed therapists try to persuade Break Dancers that, for God’s sake, Break Dancing is not a sport. I mean it’s a thing, it’s just not a sport
3. Blue Collar Fencing – Forget sabers, epées and rapiers. This fencing deals with stockade, picket and chain link.
4. Austrian Tossing – it’s no just for distance, accuracy matters too. Why toss Austrians? It’s easier than throwin’ Samoans.
5. Women’s Beach Volleyball Watching –This “sport” sees how long it takes a man to watch a women’s beach volleyball until he realizes they’re actually keeping score

 

Olympic Factoid:

Q. What nation is always first when the parade of countries marches out?

A. Greece. They began the whole Olympic idea way back when they wore laurel wreaths on their heads. The rest are alphabetic.

 

6. Naked and Catheterized – If you like this sport, urine luck. I mean, if you like this sport, you’re in luck.
7. Speed Hickies – Neck sucking has never been so popular. Not surprisingly the sport originated in Transylvania
8. Competitive Eating (aka Speed Eating) – In the hot dog eating event alone, Chowboys and Chowgirls will consume a 4-lifetime supply of pig polyps.
9. Snow Writing – A Winter Olympic favorite. After drinking 64 oz. of water and using only their “on board” apparatus, competitors must accurately write the phrase Winter Olympics in the snow. Early trials have shown that although men have better penmanship, women are better spellers. Heck, I’d pay to see that. Competitors must be careful not to run out of “ink.”  
10. Synchronized Snow Angels – Could be an excellent opportunity for The Vatican to finally field a team
11. 2-Person Mixed Bobsled Insemination – Another Winter Olympic event where a man and a woman desperately try to conceive a child as they frantically cling to one another while careening down the icy bobsled track. It’s hard to both steer and cohere, so they have to make their 3 minutes really count.

 

Olympic Factoid that is not true:

In the Popeye cartoon the Olympics were referred to as the Olive Oylimpics

 

Merry Xmas everyone and remember, some day it will be 10 yeas from now, so breathe easy (and I know I wrote “yeas” instead of “years”).

Q.   What do you call a southern guy who is a stickler for syntax?

A.   Grammar Cracker

.

Compound Words

1. Something
2. Sostupid
3. Forreal

Tripound Words

1. Nonetheless
2. Novomitzone
3. Yesforreal

Fourpound Words

1. 64 oz. (get it – 4 pounds?)
2. Sheonefinebitch
3. Youstillreadingthis

1. 

   That’s my goyl

   Olive Oylimpics – Thin, lanky women compete to look like Shelly Duvall did

2. Very Senior Games – Enjoy such geriatric sports as Speed Blinking and Pill Grinding. I hear they’re adding a new wrinkle this year.
3. Very Señor Games – Very Mexican guys see how fast they can play Mariachi music
4. The Hungrier Games – Competitive eating at its wurst
5. Game Games – Watch as contestants try to surpass Sarah Palin’s time in field dressing an elk
6. The Bored Games – Contestants see how long they can withstand the tedium of Chinese Checkers…and other board games

1. The truth I can handle. Your breath is another story.
2. Houston, we have a polyp.
3. Now do you understand why there’s a Sawzall on my nightstand?
4. If they make Ferris Bueller’s Day Off 2 ” Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and do laundry once in a while, you could run out of pants.”
5. Doggone it! If you can’t lend me a hand, then how about a paw?
6. But I don’t need a third nostril.
7. If they make The Wizard of Oz in Alaska: “There’s no place like Nome. There’s no place like Nome.”
8. Now you’re telling me we’re out of toilet paper? It’s too late.
9. You’re an *sshole because every time we talk you manage to work in the word “rawdogging.”
10. Abner! Get away from that teat now. That milk is for baby ocelots, not for you.
11. You had me at, “I’m a millionaire.”

I just hit 18,000 followers. Amazing that Facebook would let me create 17,852 fake accounts.

 

Found out the hard way:
There is no “eye of the avalanche“

 

Years ago, erotic records were played on pornographs. They were groovy. They had to be in order to be played.

 

Let’s all say wunderkind together. Ready? 1, 2, 3…WUNDERKIND!

 

I lost my eye protection again. I guess I’ll have to do a Goggle search.

 

Frog on frog violence is sometimes the result of Toad Rage

 

For the last time, strawberry traffic jam is not a flavor

 

Is there a difference between milquetoast, and milk toast?