Archive for the ‘Lists’ Category

1. SMH – Shake My Head Industries. Helps people cope with all that’s happening around them.
2. STFU – Manufacturers of dog muzzles and gun silencers
3. LOL – A national bakery. They make clown pies that taste funny.
4. FAQ – How people in Boston say f*ck
5. YOLO – Publishes stories of Near Death Experiences. CEO says business is dead.
6. WTF – Makers of precision adult undergarments and medical supplies. Custom catheters, personalized pacemakers and digitized adult diapers.
7. ASAP – Makers of Speed Bumps and Stop Signs
8. FWIW – A Buffalo Springfield song
9. TBA – This company has big plans they hope to tell people about sometime in the future
10. DIY – An educational group for serial masturbaters
11. AKA – FYI, this company is known by many names
12. XOXO – Manufacturer of Huggies Diapers and Hershey’s Kisses

1. Remember, Jesus didn’t graduate high school either.
2. I had nothing to do with the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. Well, almost nothing.
3. I don’t like social media influencers. I’m more of an anti-social media influencer.
4. I’m at my best when I’m eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
5. I don’t care what the court order says, I wasn’t stalking Marlo Thomas, Marlo Thomas was stalking me.
6. I’m a little anal in the kitchen. I make Tidy Joe’s
7. Since it’ll come out anyway. Remember, the word “manslaughter” has many interpretations
8. Since it’ll come out anyway. I have to ask, “Does this job require more than 7 fingers.”
9. Since it’ll come out anyway. I’ve visited the grave of Regis Philbin 28 times, but (and I think this counts for a lot), I’ve only visited the grave of Charles Manson once.
10. I think Groundhog Day has become a shadow of its former self..
11. The eggs I’ve eaten are now just a shell of their former selves.
12. Crystal Meth is not all it’s cracked-up to be.
13. Since it’ll come out anyway. You should know upfront that, when I’m in one of my moods, I like to wear men’s underwear.
14. Since it’ll come out anyway. I hope my conjoined twin Henry (embedded deeply in my left clavicle) is neither distracting nor disqualifying. And don’t worry. I’ll pay him out of what you pay me. Being just an elfin head and one feeble hand, Henry pretty much goes along with everything I say. I mean what’s he gonna do, go on a hunger strike.
15. Since it’ll come out at some anyway I should just tell you upfront I like to watch women breast feed….and it’s not even a sexual thing. It’s more about nourishing and healing the planet. Yeah, that’s it. It’s about healing the planet.
16. Since it’ll come out anyway. I have pictures of every Cat Woman there’s ever been. I’ve even visited the grave of Julie Newmar….and she’s still alive. At least according to the drone I have circling her home. 
17. I don’t really possess tangible humor. I just have a sense of humor.
18. For both our sakes, I’ll ask you to please read this resumé carefully as some of my menu items have recently changed.
19.  Based on this resumé, and even though this is not a medical emergency, you should probably call 9-1-1 anyway

 

Bonus Thought:

If there were cell phones at the time of Christ, I believe the apostles would’ve done a lot less following, and a lot more face timing: “Check out this sermon Paul.”

“Yeah Luke, he’s like standing on a little rocky prominence saying some really cool sh*t. Anyway, we should play Words with Friends. There’s an app for it.”

“Oh Paul, you really put the app in apostle.”

 

 

1. When I give cashiers my credit card, stop saying, “Take it bitch”
2. Never make a poodle owner feel uncomfortable by saying, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not see all that disgusting red, crusty sludge dripping from your poodle’s eyes? Jesus, wipe it off lady.”
3. No more “free back rubs” to who’s ever sitting in front of me at church
4. It’s not a conversation starter to say, “Boy, my Aunt Clara…she can really go through a roll of toilet paper.”
5. Stop asking fat guys if they’re pregnant. And, unless you see a baby emerging from her body, never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

 

<Break> Hello friend, I’m glad you’ve taken the time to enjoy this list (now that’s polite – I’m learning)

 

6. I no longer go thru a Taco Bell drive-thru in reverse (but it was fun)
7. All roll-on deodorant must be applied with the roll-ees permission
8. When meeting someone for the first time, it’s not important to know whether they fold or bunch
9. All sniffing must be consensual – as in, “May I please sniff your ______ (body area you’re interested in sniffing)?” And wait for a response. Don’t just start sniffing.
10. No more asking Boy Scouts to “Pull my finger” (unless, of course they’re trying to earn a “Pull My Finger” merit badge)

 

Note: I still like to pick-up lunch at Burger King, and then go up to strangers and say, “Would you like to see my Whopper?”

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1. Merry Chlistmas everyone!
   I know. There’s Noel in Christmas

 

1. How Gullible are You?   IF YU Kan Reed THS, Y’ve alreddy wasted 5 sekonds of yur Lyfe. Zeriously

 

1. Ho Hum.
   Sitting around, doin’ nuthin’.
   I am now Bored Certified. And qualified to practice being bored at any NV hospital. Yes!

 

1. Best Labor Day Weekend Ever…even though it’s Memorial Day

 

1. What am I missing here:
   May the June 4th be with you?

 

1. “I have nothing to say right now. And it shows.”
   The above quip was written for David Hardiman by AI

 

1. I visited the Oreos website and a pop-up asked me if I’d accept their cookies.
   Of course. That’s why I’m there. For the cookies.

 

1. What if…Oh never mind. Then again, maybe. Right?
   Cuz, y’know, it could. In fact, it probably is.

 

1. This new Chinese restaurant is kinda glum. At the end of the meal, they give you an Unfortunate Cookie.    And, according to their website, you have to accept their cookies.

 

1. Q. What did John, Paul, George and Ringo drink at breakfast?
   A. Well, Beatle Juice of course.

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1. Remembering your first kiss. So what if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
2. The caramelized golden crusted corners of macaroni & cheese. Amirite?
3. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for that fraidy cat “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
4. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
5. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
6. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer franchises.
7. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes episode. Alright watching back-to-back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. I’ll admit it. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.

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We take a break for an 8-second uplifting chant: Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmm, Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm
and Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm

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8. After a shower, slickin’ back my hair and rockin’ the white man’s overbite while playing nude air guitar in the bathroom mirror. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
9. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
10. Costco: $5 for a whole cooked chicken, $1.50 for a 2 ft long hot dog and enough free samples to qualify as lunch
11. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low. Oh yeah.
12. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman costume. I know I’m not alone in that one.
13. Seeing Kevin Hart in a onesie. I’m sure I am alone on this one
14. Seeing the invisible man…at all
15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of Hollywood understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and presenter Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then BOOM! You realize…My God, she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.

Auuuuuuuuummmmm

1. Sophocles – A great Greek playwright
2. Testicles (rhymes with Sophocles) – A not-so-great maker of sacs

 

1. Pythagoras – A great mathematician and discoverer of a²+ b² = c²
2. Esophagus – This one may be a tough one to swallow, but he was a not-so-great chef.

 

1. Zorba the Greek – Broke plates and partied like it was 1999 BC
2. Zorba the Freak – Ate plates and partied like it was Y2K BC

 

1. Archimedes – Another great mathematician. Archimedes was so screwed.
2. Diabetes – He and his brother Pancreas were always slipping into not-so-great comas

 

1. Odysseus – Great Greek king and warrior of the Trojan War
2. Peristalsis – A not-so-great Greek. You may find this hard to digest, but Peristalsis was the mortal enemy of Vomitus.

 

1. Prometheus – A great Greek who brought fire into the world
2. Bursitis – A not-so-great Greek who brought rheumatism into the world  

 

1. Herodotus – A great Greek historian. Herodotus wrote in exquisite detail about the Persian wars.
2. Platypus – A duck-billed Athenian. Always in debt. He’d say. “Just put it on my bill.’
3. Platypussy – Platypus’s wife. Also known as Connie.

 

1. Anthony Quinn – He wasn’t even Greek although he starred in Zorba the Greek
2. Annette Funicello – I don’t even know what she’s doing in this list.

 

1. Moussaka – A great Greek dish of layered eggplant, ground beef and potatoes
2. Moose-saka – Same dish but with antlers. Not-so-great.
3. Meese-saka – More than one Moose-saka

These following movie sequels just didn’t have the big budget their more lavish progenitors did. And due to these budgetary constraints, the sequels suffered greatly. Below is a list of the cut-rate sequels and an explanation of where corners were cut.

1. Thawed — A low budget sequel to Frozen. Disney had hoped to at least call it Slushy, but they simply could not keep the temperature on the set below 32° and everything that was frozen, thawed.
2. A Few Things, Many Places, at Various Times — This sequel to Everything, Everywhere, All at Once tried, but failed to achieve the penetrating ubiquity of its originator. So instead of everything being everywhere, all at once, the best they could muster was a few things being many places, at various times.
3. Gone with a Gust — One strong blast of Southern air changes everything for Rhett and Scarlett. After that one powerful gust blew the set away (the blowing of Atlanta), the movie kinda peters out and came in at an economical 41 minutes instead of the original GWTW’s 3h 58m. Some said it should’ve been longer. Others said 41 minutes was enough. If you ask me, “Frankly, I don’t give a damn.”
4. Goodfella — De-pluralizing Goodfellas meant the sequel had to pay only one criminal. By focusing on one lone Goodfella instead of many needy Goodfellas, allowed them to save a bundle in catering, wardrobe and fake blood expenses.
5. (The Terrestrial) — No ETs (Extra Terrestrials) in this sequel. Just one inexpensive, low maintenance terrestrial.
6. 6 Annoyed Guys — This was the diluted sequel to the classic 12 Angry Men. With only 6 jurors, it wasn’t even a legal trial, but the producers just couldn’t afford to pay a room full of 12 Angry Men – let alone trying to sustain their anger at fever pitch for such a long shoot. The best they could do in this sequel was to keep 6 guys kinda annoyed for a while.

 

Now might be a good time to visit the lobby for a 1 lb. box of Milk Duds

 

7. The OK, the Not OK and the Homely — Moviegoers had trouble finding the good, the bad and the ugly in this Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western sequel to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
8. Mary Poppin — Maintaining the thin premise to this de-pluralized sequel to the Disney classic was difficult. Super nanny Mary Poppin visits her charges, but doesn’t stay long. She just pops in, hence the name Mary Pop-in. The movie didn’t do well, but they did make a fortune in merchandising jet-powered umbrellas.
9. Le Vert Kilometer (French sequel to The Green Mile) — Producers were able to save beaucoup Euros by only having to travel a kilometer (.625 of a mile) instead of the full green mile.
10. The Mildly Elated Pugilist — He wasn’t a Glad-iator, but he was happy enough
11. Neurotic — A very tame version of Psycho. Plot: A nerdy guy (Norman Bates) has a fascination with toucans and keeps boxes of long ago expired Froot Loops in a rocking chair in the attic. He’s harmless really and by no means crazy – just very neurotic. For example, instead of taxidermy his favorite hobby is scrapbooking pictures of Laurie Metcalf from Roseanne. Fairly benign stuff really, consequently there’s very little tension in the movie. There’s the obligatory shower scene where, after a her pickle ball tournament, Norman’s wife Beatrice cleans up real nice and Norman thoughtfully hands her a towel to dry off before they go out to dinner at Spago.

 

Visit the lobby for a movie-sized 2 lb. box of Sno*Caps that expired in 1999

 

1. Jerusalem Jones and the Temple of El Shalom — Don’t know if we needed this Semitic swashbuckler. But for those who do enjoy getting their swashes buckled, we see our Hebraic hero “Indy” trade in his battered fedora for a reverent yarmulke. And instead of fearing snakes, Jerusalem Jones has a strong aversion to ham.
2. Arm’s Length Encounters of the 4th Kind — Talk about an alien experience, these encounters are neither close, nor of the 3rd kind. This movie is the opposite of out of this world.
3. Bottom Chef — Doomed sequel to the TV show Top Chef. Talk about weak sauce. These chefs can’t boil water without burning it. The only thing well done on this show are the closing credits. The winning chef’s best recipe was calling Grub Hub.
4. UnTru — This sequel reimagines Truman Capote as a barrel-chested WASP, bedding down societies’ dames with a stroke of his mighty pen. And according to the ladies, his pen is mighty. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is completely miscast as the effete writer. And due to copyright infringement laws scriptwriters were only able to refer to Capote’s masterpiece as Brunch at Tiffany’s.
5. Back to the Present Time — Doc and Marty McFly travel in a 2019 Subaru Forester from the present time, to the present time. This lack of time travel makes no sense at all in this sequel to Back to the Future.. But since keeping it in present day makes set-building unnecessary and special effects practically nonexistent, costs were kept to a minimum.

 

Hey the lobby is empty now. Enjoy an 84 oz. Coke served in a popcorn tub.

 

1. It’s a Mad, Mad World — In this sequel, the world had gotten 50% saner so it was no longer a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.
2. To Nurse a Mockingbird — The Harper Lee classic To Kill a Mockingbird as told through the eyes of an idealistic veterinarian Atticus Finch who nurses an injured bird back to health in the Deep South. This sequel is just a bird-brained idea.
3. Arbor Day — Everyday Bill Murray wakes up in a tree, until he finally learns the true meaning of pruning
4. 1001: A Space Odyssey — Not a lot happening in this turn of the 2nd millennium sequel. After the opening scene where the ape tosses the bone skyward, they cut to some sooty hovels in the Black Forest where dwell the Visigoths or the Vandals or some such grimy neanderthals near what is now present-day Stuttgart. An errant Starbucks cup left on a blacksmith’s anvil and enough contrails to play tic-tac-toe on, ruin any sense of Dark Ages realism.
5. Some of the President’s Men — By the time they got around to filming the sequel, not All the President’s Men were still alive
6. 38 Dalmatians — Much cheaper to produce and clean up after 38 dogs than after 101 of these purebreds
7. Little About Eve — They pretty much covered it in All About Eve, and there just wasn’t much more to dish in this unenlightening, patchwork sequel.
8. It’s a Tolerable Life, No Really — In this follow-up to Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey tries to convince himself that his “meh” life is one he can put up with – especially if he can convince Mrs. Bailey to wear the new push-up bra he bought for her.

25. Rosemary’s Cabbage — A devilishly good sequel. After years of trying, Rosemary finally gets pregnant at the hands of her husband (it wasn’t technically his hands, but you get the point). However, because Rosemary is such a dedicated vegan, genes get crossed, and she gives birth to a cabbage.

 

Did you know that America’s largest trading partner is Mexico? Yes. Our commerce with Mexico is both Good & Plenty.

 

1. Higher Noon — This modern-day sequel to High Noon takes place at a marijuana dispensary called “We’d Love.” In the background we hear proprietor Seth Rogen saying, “Dave is not here man.”
2. 3 Shades of a Grey Ink — Far from the erotic vibrancy of 50 Shades of Grey, this monastic sequel takes place in a medieval abbey where monks sworn to silence handwrite biblical passages in 3 shades of grey ink. Of the 300+ monks at the monastery only one – a friar named Gregor – is permitted to talk. And even at that they only let Gregor chant.
3. The Codfather — Most of the so-called action takes place on the outer banks of Nova Scotia where underworld sharks vie for marine supremacy. The Codfather dismisses the sport fishermen in their fancy boats as a bunch of “air breathers.” In the end the entire school becomes the Codfather’s family and, out of respect, kiss his gills. A few hoodlum barracuda are whacked for trying to spawn with the halibut.

29. Sons of Beaches — Grittier sequel to Beaches.
30. Apocalypse Later! — A lazy, dawdling remake of Apocalypse Now. As one reviewer said, “Armageddon delayed is Armageddon denied.” In this sequel they just keep procrastinating the apocalypse. It’s infuriating. Here’s some typical dialogue:

Capt. Willard: Apocalypse Now?

Col Kurtz: Nah, apocalypse later.

Capt. Willard: OK, how about now?

Col. Kurtz: Nope, too soon.

 

And finally, in your last trip to the lobby, may I suggest an appetizing high mileage hot dog that’s been spinning on the same roller since bell bottoms were in