Posts Tagged ‘funny’
These Mental Morsels are Quipilicious
June 29th, 2024 | 
Author: I know. There’s Noel in Christmas
In case you did, it was May 17th, 1997. (written on June 28, 2024)
Remember, you cannot email escargot.
Escargot can only be sent by snail mail.
(wait for it, wait for it)
It’s the same old goofy me, meeting the low bar of friendship we have.
Cuz, y’know, it could. In fact, it probably is.
Of course. That’s why I’m there. For the cookies.
May the June 4th be with you?
The above quip was written for David Hardiman by AI
Sitting around, doin’ nuthin’.
I am now Bored Certified. And qualified to practice being bored at any NV hospital. Yes!
Posted in 
Tags: 
Random Things That are a Kinda Funny and Mildly Provocative
Conversations You Don’t Hear Anymore:
- Sea Captain: These dodo birds are delicious.
First Mate: Yeah, and there’s so many of them we’ll never run out.
- The Skipper: Hey little Buddy, maybe you should spend more time in my hammock.
Gilligan: No and Hell No. I hope I’m never shipwrecked on a deserted island with you. Oh wait…damn it.
- Are you still on the phone?
No, you can use it now.
- Boy, my iron lung really gets in the way when we go camping.
- And when you meet Mr. Shakespeare, please, don’t call him Billy
- No one is going to want to pay extra for airbags.
- (Translated from Italian) Leonardo, there is no such thing as a heavier-than-air machine. That idea just won’t fly.
- There’ll be a Big Bang and galaxies will form and life will arise from a Primordial Soup and it’ll be so cool.
OK, but what would be the purpose of it all?
- (Translated from Ectoplasm language) An amoeba feeling horny and coming on to itself: I’m up for a little mitosis. Are you? Let’s have a little fun and split.
.
.
Addendumb
Conjugating the Verb “Amtrak” and “Amish”
Standard English
I Amtrak I Amish
He/she Istrak He/She Isish
They Aretrak They Areish
What Do You Call People From…?
1. Antwerp…. Twerps
2. Jacksonville…. The Village People
3. Amsterdam…. Amsterdamnits
4. Botswana…. BotsWannabees
5. Livermore…. Livermorons
6. Dubai…. Doobies
7. Auckland…. Awkwards
8. Gaza Strip…. Gaza Strippers
9. Bangkok…. People from “Bangkok” are simply embarrassed
10. Walla Walla…. Walla Walla Bing Bangs
11. Nantucket…. Side Note: I once knew a man from Nantucket
12. Las Vegas…. Vegans
13. Buffalo…. Carnivores
14. Transylvania…. Trans (But they identify as non-vampire)
15. Budapest…. Budapestilents
16. Paris…. Snooty
16. Reno…. Renoites
17. Denver…. Denverites
18. Overb…. Overbites
19. Beverly Hills…. Wealthy
20. Brussels…. Sprouts
21. Moscow…. Drunks
22. St. Petersburg…. The citizens formerly known as Leningraders
23. Duluth…. The Dulleth People on Earth
24. England…. Limeys
25. Lima…. Limays
26. Greece…. Slimeys
27. Pirate Cove…. Blimeys
28. Madrid…. Madreadfuls
29. Liverpool…. Beatles
30. Helsinki…. Helfloati
31. Kuala Lumpur…. Kuala Lumpers
32. Hanoi…. Hannoying
33. Juneau…. Juneau what? People from Juneau are very cold.
34. Eugene…. Eugenies
35. Delhi…. Delhicatessens
36. Seattle…. Satellites
37. Howe Cavern…. Stalactites
38. Detroit…. Detroiters
39. Mega-thyroid…. Biggoiters
40. Fargo…. Fargoners
41. Catville…. Pussies
42. Hamburg…. Hamburgers
43. Frankfurt…. They are the Wurst
44. Nome…. Young Ladies are called Misnomers. Natives are Eskinomes
45. Leipzig…. Nazis (yes, still Nazis)
46. The Hague…. The The’s
47. Rome…. Roamers
48. Xanadu…. Xanadogooders
49. Islamabad…. Islamabadasses
50. Memphis…. Memphistophelians
51. Miami…. Mimis or Mariah Careys
52. Richardville…. People from Richardville are a Bunch of Dicks
53. Tel Aviv…. Tell a Vivians
54. Baghdad…. Baghdaddies
55. Kazakhstan…. Kazakstanleys
56. Lisbon…. Lisbians
57. Dike, Ohio…. Dykes
58. Winnipeg…. Winni-margarets
59. Bonn…. Bonn Bonns
60. Narnia…. Narnians
61. Kalamazoo…. Kalamazoologists
62. Sweden…. Sweetish
63. Liverpool…. Hepatitispudlians
64. London…. Good-ole-blokes-fine-chaps-and-all-that
65. Yemen…. Yemeni (If you’re at war with them, they’re Enemy Yemeni)
66. Bethlehem…. Jesuits
And finally, if you’re from Earth, you have a limited time here so try to avoid grievances, judgments and people from Kalamazoo.
Epitaphs: They’re Killin’ Me
He’s in Jeopardy, but he’s wheely fortunate too.
Observations, Exaltations and Regrets from the Dearly Departed
Picture yourself standing on the grave, reading each one for the first time
- If You Lived Here You’d Be Home Already
- You should see the other guy
- Would you please go online and give Crandall Funeral Home 1 star on Yelp! They put me in here face down?
- What am I supposed to do now? Asking for a friend.
- Damn! I still had 7 shows left in my Netflix cue
- Here lies Beethoven. He was a great composer. Now I guess he’ll be a great decomposer.
- What? No cup holders! And they call this an afterlife.
- Just so you know, my coffin’s wood was harvested from sustainable forests and made by workers paid a living wage. OK. Now, I can RIP.
- If you’re reading this, would you mind get off my spleen?
- I know what you did last summer. And that’s why you weren’t in the will.
- I couldn’t afford this coffin, but what are they going to do – repossess it. The used casket market is dead.
- Life is too important to be taken seriously. Death, on the other hand, offers some very serious closure.
- If you think about it “The Sound of Music” was a really good movie, with a really stupid title.
- All part of the plan. Breathe very easy and I’ll see ya soon. Oh, and bring cup holders.
- We all here don’t push up daisies. They just naturally grow toward the sun.
- (I kept procrastinating and I died before I could formulate an epitaph)
- Whether you’re for or against Capital Punishment, we all eventually get the death penalty.
- It’s nice being able to sleep in
- It’s true. You can’t take it with you.
- Surprise! You don’t need to take it with you. It’s all here – except cup holders.
- I mean yeah, I’m dead, but I’m not dead dead.
- I wish they knew I was only kidding when I said I wanted to be buried with my cat.
- As a cremain I’m dating some really smokin’ “cinder-ellas” here. Why not, I urned it
- Reaching puberty was great and everything, but the rest of it…I don’t know
- Just so you know, God is in the process of “sorting’em out.”
- Well, that was a long way to go to make a point…And the point was?
- The first words everybody says here are, “I don’t believe it. Wow! I finally get it. How did I miss that?”
“Houston, We’ve Got a Problem.” And it’s Hurricane Harvey
From the “Too Soon” Dept.
Nothing but Big Prayers, Big Sponges and a little humor for our inundated Texas brethren
<<<< FNI: Fake News International presents >>>>
10 Abominations for which Texas is incurring the torrential wrath of God in the form of Hurricane Harvey
1. 9 lb. belt buckles
2. Having a city named Texarkana. Not to mention: Texlahoma, New Texico and Louisiexcess.
3. Ignoring little Harvey’s symptoms when he was just a manageable Tropical Depression and allowing him to develop into a full-blown Category 5 Psychotic Event. “The only place he’s calm is in his one good eye,” says Harvey’s mother Katrina.
4. Rampant heterosexuality: Whether it’s in the Garden of Eden or performed bareback on a mechanical bull, sin is sin and will not be tolerated.
5. Not letting us forget the Alamo. Alright we get it! We remember the Alamo although we don’t know why anymore.
6. Having a panhandle. What self-respecting state allows its citizens to live in a panhandle? Where are we – in the housewares department of a Wal*Mart, or in the bad ass state of Texas?
7. Making diners try to eat a 72 oz. steak in an hour (technically not Texas’s fault, but they never should have offered in the first place).
8. Selling 10-gallon hats that only holds 8 gallons of my 10-gallon piranha tank (learned that the hard way).
9. Letting Austin have all the fun
10. A bad job of keeping undesirables from crossing the border. Should’ve started by not allowing Lee “Harvey” Oswald back into Texas when the Soviet Union kicked him out in 1962.
HST (Having Said That), Hurricane Harvey’s landfall could’ve been a mistake. Maybe this rain of Biblical proportion was meant for Flint, Michigan. Their water system could use a good flushing.
